why is she still coming around?

[jughead]

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my wife and i have been slit up for all most 2 months now and she is now coming around my home and calls just to small talk she still wearing her wedding band and rings i have got her, she was staying at a friends house and i was writing her letters but she was telling me she did have time to read them. but now she has her own place and she told me that she reead the last one i wrote her but hasnt the other ones but that "she can now?" why couldnt she read them before? i have made her cd's of love songs that i like and she has been listening to them also. i ask her today why was she waering the rings and reading my letters now and listing to the cd's ? and was there still a flame burning and she said yes. but what i cant figer out is if she wants it over then why all this still going on? if anyone has a clue let me know anyone know what i should do tell me also by the way i have been doing the no contact thing to lol

[chrysanthelien]

Hey jughead,

 

Your issue definitely doesn't sound easy. A couple of questions: has she indicated that she wants a divorce, or is she saying she wants to have some time to herself? What have you tried to get her to stay or to come home? And what kinds of arguments or fights have you had, and what do you mean when you say she said don't start trouble?

 

You mentioned she's left several times. It could be that she wants to be with you but feels suffocated and needs some time to herself, or it could be that she is tired of fighting or something else, and wants time away to get over you. It's hard to say without knowing more details. Is she the kind of person who would be completely honest and blunt with you, or someone who would try to shield you from the truth if it hurt you? Was there something that precipitated her moving out, i.e. a fight?

 

If she's not reading your letters, it probably is in your best interest to stop sending them to her. I would say continue to write them, because they help *you* to vent and deal with how you feel, but if she needs time to herself to figure some things out, sending her letters will push her away from you. She may want to focus on herself and not on anyone else, which does mean she wants to put your needs aside for her own for a time. On the other hand, when you were together you might have done everything for her, in which case I'd question whether she's the best thing for you anyway. I understand that you love her, but sometimes we don't love the person who is the best person for us. Are your friends and family telling you to move on because they don't think she's good for you?

 

You can't do anything to make her come back. To try is to be manipulative, which only backfires. Instead, I'd recommend asking yourself how you could be a better husband and a better person generally, and focusing on that. Yeah, I imagine it's hard to be a good husband if your spouse isn't there. But say, if your wife was on a trip somewhere, i.e. to visit her family or on vacation. What kinds of things would you do? Would you sit by the door waiting for her to come home? Would you be afraid she wouldn't come back? Would you have a nice dinner and flowers ready when she did get back, and ask her how her trip went? When you talk on the phone, do you sound happy to hear from her or do you sound desperate? It's possible she may never come home and you'll get divorced. But if that's true, at best she'll have found herself and you'll have the opportunity to find someone who loves you as much as you love them, and you'll still have your friendship with her. You can't force someone want to try to work things out with you, but keep in mind that happy and busy people tend to be more attractive to others.

 

Marriages don't last because people stay in love forever, but because they have certain foundations that they build on, like trust and commitment and respect. They also need to be able to grow as individuals even being in the marriage, or they either run off to be alone or get stumped in their growth and get angry. Married folks love each other but can fall in and out of love, back and forth. If she sees you as a friend, be her friend. Call her once in a while to see how she's doing, to see if she's doing ok, ask if she needs any help with things (don't ask if she wants sex), and just call to chat *once in a while*, as a friend would. She probably fell in love with you because of your friendship in the first place.

Take heart, hope that helps,

Chris

[take_the_reins]

Hey jughead,

i know this may seem a little harsh ... but mabye it is time to move on, you've said you've broke up 4-5 times before, and you didnt mention how you are together when your not fighting, mabye she is serious this time as shes got her own place and stuff, but i suppose if the good times make the bad times seem pointless, you should mabye try once more, but if it hasnt been working up till now .. what makes you think its going to work now? realising this could save you alot of heart ache in the long run! think about it!

 

Hope this was some help!

 

Take_the_reins x

[jughead]

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