i give up

[scootermojo]

i'm so alone.

i have always been what some may describe as a "depressed" individual for most of my teenage and adult life. i always felt that i was moody, a byproduct of the genes that my a-hole dad gave me.

 

throughout the years, the only thing that ever kept me going was the thought that someday i would meet that special someone who just "got me," my soulmate. about ten years ago, i did! however, due to my severe emotional mood swings and my deluge into the deep, dark world of drugs and the fact that i was scared that i found "misses right" as my first long time girlfriend, we broke up after two years. i was just 21 and extremely immature when we finally called it quits. whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was extremely misinformed. since then, i have been chasing amy ever since.

 

during the following 8 years, i have carried this burden around with me everyday. the only thing that kept me going was the hope that i would find another. other girls came and went (mostly went), but i still had hope. that all changed in 2001.

 

it has become increasingly apparent to me that nothing is going to change, even though i have tried too. my out of control emotions has chased away almost all of my friends, got me fired from numerous jobs and plunged me farther into the bleak world of drugs and depression.

my oldest brother is a doctor and he suggests that i should start taking some anti-depressants and go see a psychiatrist. i have tried that but it doesn't work. my physical appearance has changed over the past four years to the point that when i look in the mirror, i can't stand the site of myself.

 

i also find it odd that we as a society need to diagose and prescibe medication to those who do not fit into what most deem "normal" behavior. how come we never hear about depressed animals? is this because in our society the "only the strong survive" rule does not apply due to all of the medical, industrial, etc., advancements? or could it be that i am just a moody, unmotivated, lazy loser with absolutely no goals in life?

 

i find it extremely hard to get out of bed everyday. i don't think that i can keep trudging along through my mundane, meaningless life anymore.

the reason that i have offed myself so far is because that although i consider myself an aethiest, i still hold out hope that their is some form of higher power out their and that if i do this, i would be punished eternally. sounds odd, doesn't it? man, i'm messed up.

 

does anybody have any suggestions as far as a "painless" way to kill myself. i'm all ears. i turn 30 at the end of this year and i can't stand the thought of feeling like this, looking the way that i appear and acting the way as i do as i turn the corner towards middle age.

[cbee]

I can't say I've ever felt quite so low as that. I really don't think that suicude is the way though. Have you thought of what it will do to your family and friends. You claim to be a loner and perhaps you mightn't have many friends now but it sounds as if the drugs may have driven away a few of the friends you did have.

 

My suggestion is to get off the drugs you seem so dependant on. Coming off a high is going to send you into the pits of depression every time. Someone looking for true love, looking for their soulmate, is probably not going to want to inherit somebody else's drug problem.

 

From there, you need to get a little more confidence. The best way to get this, I'll be the first to agreee, is by being in a loving relationship. Second to that is by getting out there and doing something for someone else. Go volunteer somewhere, help someone do work around their home, offer to walk a neighbours dog, write down the things that you want to accomplish in life, write down the things you want to change about how you look, work on this as if it were the most important thing in your life. Be sure to write down good things that you recognize in yourself. Are you good at drawing, singing or writing? Do you have a talent unknown to even yourself? Don't worry about who you think you want to be. Think of what you don't want to be and change those things, one at a time.

 

Don't cheat yourself. Millions of people would love to be back to age 30 again. Make yourself who you want to be.... the hordes of females will follow you because you're happy and confident and comfortable with who you are. A person who is looking for love does not want someone who is going to bring them down.

 

We all have doubts about ever finding "the one". Giving up is not the thing to do. Keep working at it.... if "the one" is not out there somewhere then we're all doomed! Hmmmm, could this be the latest form of natural selection? See who can tolerate lonliness the longest?

 

I've been through a mess of relationships in the past few years... believe me, being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. I'm living it right now (why else would I be visiting a relationship help site?) Just hold out, give yourself a chance and PLEASE, don't do anything drastic. I've seen what suicide does to those left behind and believe me, it is one of the worst things that can happen to a person - having someone they know and/or love take their own life. There are better ways to deal with your problems.

 

It sounds lame, but maybe a pet might help? The undying love of a dog (and it's undying need for your attention) may be just what you're looking for! I have a recently single friend that says his dog is an absolute chick magnet. Besides, it'll make you have a reason to get out of bed. You'll get a good walk, as will pooch. Be sure that you want to accept the responsibility though.... don't want anything to make the situation worse!

 

I still can't express how bad of an idea suicide is. Check yourself into a psychiatric ward or seek other professional help.... perhaps the doc you've been seeing was just not suited to your personality style. Don't give up. It's not the answer.

[bzborow1]

Howcome we never hear about depressed animals? Well that's because we can't talk to them! And if i'm not mistaken there are studies showing animals too exhibit similar emotional traits (feelings). I think it's an illusion if you think that your situation is apart from the norm. All of us have tough lives, get dumped, make mistakes....i've had 2 heart surgeries in the last 5 years (i'm only 23)....but what separates the "norm" from some abnormal situations is how you deal with it.

 

It seems you just refuse to see the positives in life, you blame your father for something. Although you can't change the past, you sure as hell can say to yourself, "i'm not going to let that bother me anymore" and try to move forward. You know it could very well be that you're a loser and lazy in life.....but those are things you can change if you work at it...it's an eternal struggle for EVERYONE.

 

I think suicide would be the cowards way out, and I would urge you to follow your brothers advice. The pills are good as a means to start off because they offer quick (although superficial) results. Life is far too important not to afford yourself the opportunity to succeed. You go to school to better yourself...you work to better yourself...so why and the hell can't you go to therapy...take some pills...or read books about this stuff....to better yourself?

 

Just go ask your brother for help.

 

GO.

 

Bill

[kuhl282000]

Hey Dude

 

Just when you think your at the end of your rope you tie a knot and hang on. The people in the World Trade Center on 9/11 would love to trade with you for one more miserable day. And you know when things change my friend ? That is when we change. Don't blame a gene from your father , we all get depressed. It is human nature. And studies have shown animials do get depressed. I have been depressed, and when i knew it. I went and got some help. My friend killed himself with a .38, and all he had to do was pack his bags and move out of his girlfriends house. He choose to splatter his brains all over the kitchen in front of her and her child. The was the chicken way out. I would rather die having sex with some hottie. My friend left the remains for everyone else to clean up. He had everything to live for. He choose very poorly. Start working out, get off the drugs. And start living. I liked what the other person said in their post. Get a pet.......i would go back and read that post again. that person had some wonderful insight on your situation. You can PM me anytime. I'll be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I have made many hear on the site. A lot of great caring people here. So don't be a stranger. and if you kill yourself I guess we won't be talking. That would be very sad. I'm sure you have a lot to offer in life. Thirty is very young, I would kill to be thirty again. And if you take the word God and spell it backwards....it spells dog......and they love you unconditially.......just something to think about.....get a grip man......you can do this thing called life...................and you know what life goes on, and so will you.

 

Kuhl

 

[Archith]

Hi Scootermojo,

 

Don't look for a special relationship in the future to come and save you.

Also, don't wait for some special event 'in the future' to happen and make you feel complete or help you overcome the feeling of inadequacy. Don't derive your sense of self and construct a "victim identity" from what has happened in the past. The past is anyway only a memory trace. In short make the present moment your focus. Remove the 'delusion' of "time". I suggest you read the book called "Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Check

out his website link removed. There are some excerpts from his books. I'd love to quote Eckhart in a detailed way but I might be violating copyright and I believe I have already done that once on this forum. Anyway...

Cheers...

Archith

"Beyond happiness and unhappiness there is peace"-Eckhart