Was it cheating? Where will it go? Am I a spy?

[unitke]

Three years ago I intercepted and email chain between my wife and her HS boyfriend who happens to live in the same city. The email was sexually explicit and hinted at hooking up. I voiced my displeasure and I dropped it. A few months later my wife and I share a wonderful evening at a friends wedding. I notice a strange phone number on her auto-dial. Well, she had called him and email confirmed they were chatting again. I again confronted and asked her to stop. She said there is a lot of "Unresolved things" in their relationship that does not involve me.

 

To make a long story short.... the sexual email continued and after one other attempt, they finally hooked up a couple weeks ago. I was out of town and came home early to be at the place where they were to meet. I watched them have a wonderful time together having drinks and go out for a nice dinner. I was relieved when all they did was hug when the left although I did over hear them tell each other "I love you".

 

I hinted around the next couple days that I knew what happened till I finally told her. She immediately accused me of being spy, that she has no life of her own, and it took awhile for her to accept some blame.

 

She maintains the fact she did not "Cheat" but I have caught her in so many lies about this situation that I wonder if she is hiding other things. This is supported by calls to and an incident with a common friend who my wife has flirted with.

 

Last week it came to a head when the email continued and I lost it. If it was not for our kids, I would not be willing to work it out. She said she was extremely sorry, she was wrong and she would not do anything again.

 

I was extremely hurt and she cannot put herself in my shoes. She wants me to trust her and it is hard. I know it is tough to be a stay-at-home mom with three kids but I have given her everything she ever wanted and now she wants "To be her own person."

 

This weekend I found the HS boyfriend's phone number in her purse. I have no idea how long it has been there but I feel guilt for spying, I feel guilt I have not done enough, but most of all I feel a lot of pain. I keep asking the same questions.... Was what she did cheating? Where will it go and will in continue? Should I be labeled a spy when the past dictates I cannot trust her?

 

HELP

[sphinx999]

Sadly this does come under the title of spying, but you can learn from it. She wants freedom, why don't you ask whether she would like to get a job or join some clubs so she is not stuck at home all the time dwellig on the past and she is not so bored.

[woopsydaisy]

I really dont know what to say........but for one thing i would be really really hacked off.

 

You asked was she cheating?

 

Something is definetly going on and she commited emotional infidelity with this guy thats for sure.And she said this is none of your business!!.,,,what a cheek...... shes your wife how would she react if you did the same!....i know this is not funny and your going through alot of pain.The fact is that her past relationships are in the past...full stop .Ok their is nothing wrong with still being friends with exs but when she has to lie to you about things their is something seriously wrong.And thease e mails..i would call that cheating, even if she hasnt done it in the flesh shes still commited a form of adultery.

 

Ok its wrong to go round snooping......but the fact is you found something...it seems she carnt let the ex go......i think youve been very brave not letting her go.I know their is kids involved and it makes it really hard...but this has to stop i carnt blame you for not trusting her...i dont know if i could forgive her.First and formost she needs to stop lying and regain back your trust...its going to be really hard.But she has to decide whos more important the family she has now, or some other bloke.

 

Keep strong and dont take no more crap....its not fair on you or the kids.

[sweetharmony]

i agree with woopsydaisy. this is definitley a form of cheating. whether or not it was in the flesh, she has betrayed your trust. She is commiting emotional fidelity to the highest degree. friends with exes are okay. i still speak with mine. we send each other e-mails (on rare occasions), but I would never send anything sexually explicit. yeah the whole spying thing isn 't something I'm an advocate for, b/c sometimes you look too deeply when you shouldn't- like friends' numbers, old photos, etc... but apparently the signs you have are legit and you've already spoken to her. I would try and go to couple's counseling to see if you can work this out. Ask her in a nice way- not confrontational, don't get upset. Perhaps there are other things she is depressed about. she might have this fantasy in the back of her mind about her first love and maybe she is not happy with her reality. mundane, married life can be pretty boring and she's holding onto her past when everything was perfect and puppy love. no big issues, baggage, no obligations, bills, children, mortgage, taxes, etc... communication is the key. Counselling would help.

[DiglyD]

You do not have an ordinary case of cheating. Its much worse...its an affair that has been going on for a long time...it makes no difference if its dinners, secret meetings, sex or just email. For the last 3 years there is and has been a guy in her life other then you. Open your eyes.

 

Listen, no matter how much this hurts you need to realize that she is cheating on you, was cheating and will be cheating if tis pattern does not end. The fact is that she has chosen not to change any of her actions, but instead she continues to pursue a romantic "relationship" behind your back. You are letting her do it and she has no regard for your feelings and no thoughts about the consequences of her actions.

 

If you do nothing, eventually she will leave you for this guy and it will be worse for you. She has no respect for you now. She lost respect for you. There can be no love, there can be no relationship, and no acceptence without RESPECT. Now, she is just using you, until she develops enough courage and confidence to leave you. She is using you now, until she builds enough safety with the other dude, and enough assurace that she won't be alone, to come to you and tell you she wants a divorce. Right now she is not ready to leave or maybe she likes the situation. There is no rush for her...she gets to have the best of both worlds. Either way it does not matter, you are loosing out on this deal.

 

She begun her activity 3 years ago or even earlier and has done nothing to correct her actions, despite your words with her. You have let her continue this pattern because you did not put your foot down hard enough the first time you discovered this behivor. Now she knows that she can get away with it, and expects you to act in predictible ways. She expects you to do nothing drastic. She knows that the kids are an anchor and that you are weak and will continue to take it.

 

On top of that, she is manipulating you, and attempting to place blame not on her but on you. She is accusing you of spying. Thats great, you're her husband, and she has betryed a trust and at that point it is perfectly acceptable, yet she is accusing you..... If I cought my wife talking to someone romantically via email, or saw her with someone having a relationship behind my back, and then she attempted to accuse me of spying I would throw her butt on the street. Yes you have kids, yes you love her, yes you have years together, BUT and here is the big but, she is USING YOU, and in her mind its ok, becasue you keep taking and taking it all like a punching bag. Put you foot down, and call her on her BS. Show her what her actions are doing. SHow her that you will not put up wit hit and be firm. Don't plead with her, don't ask her, don't work things out, kick her out for a while so she comes to her senses. This is a time for you to be strong. She is destroying your family and you are letting it happen right before your eyes. Worse she is trying to make you into the bad guy, and if you don't do something about it, soon you will begin to believe it. Women have a way of twisting words and thoughts around so they make sense to you even when they are BS. You are being led-on.

 

Trust me on this, if she has done as much as you have described, she has done much much more but she will never tell you unless you truly press her. She will deny and deny and deny it on her mother's grave , until you call her on it and show her how serious you are. Only then will she break and admit something. Even if you are not strong, you got to bluff, and be good at it, like poker. You need to have her fold. She won't tell you the truth because of her guilt, because she does not want to hurt you, and she is in a defense mode right now. She will lie to everyone, you, her friends, her ex highschool boyfriend, it does not matter who...just to protect herself. She has put hersef in a situation from which she can't get out with truth so she is lying to eveyone and everything around her. If someone gets caught, they panic, and go into defense mode. They are trying to save their own skin. This is what she is doing now, trying to cover her tracks and save her own butt. This is why she is accusing you of spying and telling you its none of your business, and downplaying the seriousness of the situation. She is trying to displace blame and cover her wrong doing. DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS, BUT INSTEAD, LOOK AT WHAT SHE DOES. See beyond the obvious, study her behivor. Act accordingly based on what you saw her do, not based on what she says. She will say things that will make sense to you and you will believe them, but deep down you already know that its all bs, she has done things and continues to do things that are wrong. Don't allow your mind to make excuses for her to help justify her actions. Don't give an inch. Dude, she cheated and is cheating. This is the reality.

 

She said that this "does not involve you?" Do you see something wrong with this picture? SHE IS YOUR WIFE. Of course it involves you. Come on, wake up man., You are living in a dream, you are deluding yourself. All the clues are staring you right in the face. Remember cheating is a different thing to different people. To her it might be full on sex, or some definition that will justify to herself that she is not cheating, ...to you it might be a romantic dinner and her stroking the guys neck and telling him how much she loves him. She cheated, she broke your trust. She acted on her desire and thoughts of being with somoene else. That is MOTIVE. Its evidence. She is no longer and never was faithful. She is having an affair and has been for the last 3 years. When are you going to realize this and do something about it? Are you going to just let it bother you for the next 3 years? Don't use the kids as an excuse to excuse her behivor. The kids will be alright. It all depends whether you take action or sit by and let circumstances dictate how your life turns out. Either you are a participant in your life or a bystander. Right now you are just watching the movie unfold right before you, and its not unfolding in your favor.

 

Aparently you wife was either bored, unhappy in some way, or just wanted some excitment. This is what an affair provides. It provides escape from rutine. This guy fell into her world at the right time and she took advantage of it. Maybe having kids, and being in a marriage has made her feel trapped and like a prisoner. Maybe you have been busy and have not given her enough of your attention or love. Yes you are at fault too. She might have gotten bored, or just wanted romance or excitement in her life. You didn't provide whatever she was looking for. Its exciting to her now to have this secret meetings, have sex secretly (and I am sure she had it), and send these romantic letters behind your back. This is providing an escape and outlet from what her life has become. Its killing your family in the process. One day she will realize it.

 

Ask yourself where is this heading? If you continue on the same path doing what you have been doing, and she will continue her behivor where will it lead? Where will you be in 6 months? Where will you be in a year or 2. What will she be doing? Where will your kids be? Is anything going to change? Are you going to be happier? Will this other guy disappear, and if he does will she stop or will she find another guy to talk to? Are you happy with what is happening? How much more are you going to take and let her get away with? See the big picture, see where this is going, and compare it to where it might go if you 2 separate or at least if you take firm action to change her behivor. Remember nothing is set in stone. Just because you take action does not mean that htings will be bad forever...eventually everything improves.

 

If you love her then fight for her. Risk everything to gain everything. Do not be afraid of failure. Don't be afraid of loosing her. Remember people never realize what they have until they either loose it, or come to the brink of loosing it. You are scared that your marriage might fall apart. Reality check here, its already apart and it has been apart. Now its edging closer and closer to its end. You should be scared that if you don't do something, if you don't act, you will loose her forever. You should be scared that you will end up with nothing in much worse shape hating yourself for not doing something about it and letting it all happen. Even in the worse case situation...that you divorce, you and her and you kids will still be better off then if you stay in a relationship where you provide her with a roof over her head, and she is running around town with another dude. Don't be the guy left without a chair when the music stops playing.

 

Do you think she will honestly change her behivor just becasue you asked? Do you think she will change her behivor just becasue you go to counseling? DO you think she will change if she has not changed in the past, and if she has been doing this for 3 years? Of course not...She needs to experience loss or fear for anything to happen. She needs to discover for herself what her actions are doing to her life. Right now she has the best of both worlds. She is living rent free. Show her that she cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

There are 2 ways out of this. Either you cut her loose so that life teaches her a lesson and file for divorce, or you distance yourself from her for a while so fear begins to take over and maybe makes her realize that she lost something good. You need to make her believe that her world is about to crumble and you will no longer tolerate any of this.You must be serious, and confident that you are willing to walk away from her at any moment. She must be on her own dealing with the consequences of her actions for a few months so she has the time to realize what she so casually threw away. Time and distance have a funny way of making people turn around. Counceling won't teach her this, talking with her will have no result especially if it did not in the past, and nothing else will. The time for working things out is over. If she wants you to talk things out tell her that if she wanted to talk, she should have cut her behivor out 3 years ago. Time for talking is over my friend. Its time for action. She needs to experience you no longer providing support, and she needs to go back to her secret lover, and find out how he is going to react when she now becomes his problem to deal with. She needs to see what he is going to say when she tells him that you decided to leave her. Once he figures out that he now is stuck with her, with all her unstable emotions do to you seperating yourself from her, he will distance himself from her. She will then start to panic, and be alone for the first time in years, finally coming to terms with what she has done. This and only this will wake her up. Nothing else. To this guy she is seeing, this might be not a serious thing either, but fun or sex, and escape from his established life. I know this sounds harsh, and divorce is a strong thing, but you must realize that your case is not just an ordinary case of cheating. This has continued for years. No matter how you try to justify it to yourself your wife should not be sending romantic anyting to any ex boyfriends and meeting them for romantic dinners for 3 years. You don't have to divorce her, just separate for a while and cut off all contact, so that distance might clear some things. Leave the kids with her, or the parents. All you need is like 2-3 months of alone time, just don't tell her you plan to return. Let her wonder what you are doing. Let her wonder whether you are sleeping with someone else. Let her jealousy build. Let her panic build. Remember when something is scarce is becomes infinitely more valuable. Become scarce, and show your wife your true value that she has forgotten. Make her regret her actions, or if she dosen't at least cut your losses early before all of this consumes your sanity. Either way this will improve your life in the long run. If it does turn sour, you wil lat least walk out of this a wiser man, and the next time you wil lsee the signs early on and put a stop to them. On top of that your wife will forever be left with shame and guilt, and your kids won't let her forget it.

 

End the cycle. Be a man. Show her what her responsibility as a wife and a mother is. If she can't figure it out get out of her life until she figures out what it cost her. Show her the price she must pay for her betryal of your trust. Don't get mad, don't get angry, don't be soft....just call a divorce attorney, or place the court papers in front of her and tell her you filed. Its that or just pack your bags and leave. it depends on how far you are willing to go to show her what you think. Stand up for your beliefs. Stop putting up with the crap or it will destroy you. Yes for the final time, what she is doing is cheating. Now that you have your answer deal with her. This isn't a game. Its your life, and its the life of your kids. You are the man and you have to put it back together. She won't do it unless she either looses you or comes to the brink of loosing you and realizes the error of her ways.

 

Remember this pattern will not end, it will continue until she leaves you, and she will leave you if she laready told you that "she wants to be her own person". The answers are all right in front of you. Cut her loose. You should have done it when you found the phone number in her purse.

 

If you come to terms and build trust again, and decide to remain together, look within yourself and reflect on what you have been doing wrong. Fill her world with what she was seeking in the first place. But do this only after you have become strong and showed her that you are the one who she wants to be with. Not before.

[sweetharmony]

Yes, I agree with madcat 619. Originally I stated that counselling would work. I just hate to say the obvious, because to me divorce is such a strong thing. I believe that anyone can change, but yeah, you have to scare her. she's been doing this for three years and it hasn't sunk in that it's wrong yet. Three years is way too long to put up with that. She needs to realize that you aren't going to put up with that crap. she needs to realize what she lost and counselling probably won't do that. she does need to be scared for a while. the whole scarce thing is ture- she won't realize what she had until it is gone. She can't have her cake and eat it too. and when she told you, "it's unresolved issues that doesn't involve you."- I wouldn't stand for that. Of course it involves you. yeah, she's treating you like a doormat and she's not expecting you to do something drastic, so she's continuing her behavior and she thinks it's okay. She is living in this fantasy world and if she does leave you for him, I guarantee she's not going to be happy. the fantasy world will crumble too and reality will set in and it will be much worse for her in the end. not only will her fantasy hit a boring plateau, but she will have broken up a good marriage and separated her kids for it. The three to four month thing seems reasonable. I wouldn't file for divorce yet if you love her, but that's up to you. Just pack your bags and leave- but make sure you talk to your children. you don't want them to think their father has abandoned them.

[Mork]

Hey man you sound like a good guy, but you have fool written all over you. Kick that Ho to the curb and get a women who you can trust. There is an old saying that "men and women can not be friends because sex gets in the way" Of course she either wants to nail this guy or she has already. She may be doing you occasionally but it is him she is thinking about. Cut your loses and save your sanity.

[Tortured Soul]

Ive always had a belief that everyone has someone from their past that they wonder "what might of been"...I was the victom of my very own therory as my wifehad an adulterous affair that ended my 9 year marriage and was very hurtful not only to myself but my three wonderful boys.

 

To all the people out there who seem to have all the answers i pose this question???Have you walKed in "UNITKE'S" shoes or traveled down the mysterious ,lonely,heartbroken,jealous ,depressed road he is forced to travel.....It is easy to sit behind our computers and have all the answers,but i have traveled the road and totally understand where he is coming from.....It is easy to say kick her out,get rid of her,let her go,but a hurt person thinks differently....

 

Emotionally i believe everyone is different...What might kill one person emotionally,will not even affect the next person...We are all made up differently....We cannot blame unitke for wanting to make things right especially given the circumstances of wonderful children involved!!!He obviously loves his wife very much and wants to make things work...It is,however,important that he does read her body language and feel that he is loved or whatever comes out of her mouth may not be credible....The lies force the hurt partner to be suspicious of every little trip to the store or every little meal at the chicken wing resteurant down the road.....

 

I tried to save my marriage and it failed not because i didnt want it to work but because she thought she missed out on something...I look back at some of the things i was willing to do at the time (my wife became pregnant by the former bf and i actually considered acting like it was ours and raising it as my own until she demanded him being able to see the child regularily)....FI look back at that scenario and think how foolish i was to even consider...It is easy for me to ay that now because i am not traveling the lonely,heartbroken,jealous ,depressed road that unitke is now.....Keep your head up brotha,moniter her actions ,kkep being the good parent and husband !!!If the signs continue to point in the direction of infedility then i would take more drastic measures...I would just not do it yet...Try reading the book"After the Affair",it would help to know your not alone....Find something to feel good about yourself...If you find some new lingere she bought try tossing it in the fireplace,worked for me...

 

Its a "Lonely War" out there but you are not alone!!!

 

 

Look to your left and i might not be there,Lokk to your right and i might not be there,but if you ever fall ill be there to catch you!!!

 

Tortured Soul

[woopsydaisy]

You are right tortured soul...everyone is diffrent and everyone is unique and it is very easy to make judgements when you dont know the full story.

 

i myself have to say i have never been in that situation especially with kids etc.The reason i replyed to the post was that it was obvious that untike was looking for some help..and by going on what untike said their was obviously something wrong going on.I can only say for myself what i would do, and submit my own view of things by going on the what was submitted..and i know thats very easy to say when im not in love with that person.But i think that it is obvious from the replys what have been posted that certain behaviour coming from one person in a relationship is not acceptable..and one can only put up with so much before action needs to be taken and advice sought.

 

Im not trying to justify my own personal response .and im not also saying that certain reponses are right or wrong.just that it is good to have opinions and then, or if to decide on what to do next.