Heartbreak and Confusion

[Dancergirl425]

May 31,2009...People usually identify me as passive, mature, sweet, etc. but how long can I continue to be this without exploding? I feel as though I am water in a dam ready to burst. I keep thinking if I ignore it, it will go away. When that doesn't work and I've lost all control I decide to control the one thing I can, eating. I tell myself that if I"m skinny I can conquer anything because I will have confidence. I will have no more troubles and everyone will like me.

 

I find it hard to believe that a relationship can go down the drain in only a month, but I am living proof that it can. I always knew I was insecure, but I never thought whoever I'd be dating would be. I guess that's why I originally was attracted to Alex. He was sensitive, something I had never seen in a guy before. I mean after how my last ex treated me I never thought I'd be able to trust a guy again, but seeing Alex vulnerable and sweet fooled me. Little did I know he was this way because he had been cheated on by his ex. I guess I should have known no guy was perfect. I even used to pinch myself and remind myself that he was too good to be true... But deep down inside I would hold onto that little piece of hope that I had discovered the world's best guy...and he was all mine.

[Dancergirl425]

June 4 2009... Just broke up with Alex. Although I'm upset I think I'm better off. Right after he texted me, "I'm f***ing done...going to my Ex's house". I assumed that meant a break up. So obviously I began crying. My dad was working in the room next to me so I blasted music to drown out the noise of my sobs. I briefly considered crawling into his arms and crying like when I was little, but then I remembered I never did that when I was little so it wouldn't be much comfort.

 

There is only one word to describe this break up...Ridiculous. It began because I never leave him facebook comments anymore. I swear facebook has become the worst website for this generation's relationships. It escalated to him yelling at me via text (another great relationship ruiner). When I told him I was crying because he dumped me he said, "I never said I was breaking up with you but obviously that's what you want if you're assuming it." I'm sorry but when someone says they're done and going to their ex's house what else was I supposed to think?

 

My mom keeps glancing at me threw her peripherals and she thinks I can't see her. I'm watching so you think you can dance with her on TV, but really I'm waiting for 29 minutes to go by so I can vent to her. She knows I only write when I'm upset. I'm sure my puffy eyes are a sign as well. Maybe I wasn't as slick when I was trying to cover up my crying with music before? It's probably the writing though. Whenever I write or bake it's because I'm extremely upset. I might as well have a big flashing arrow above my head with a sign that says "I'M DEPRESSED!!!!".

 

I just smiled at something on the TV and it felt wrong, but for some reason I'm ok. know I could just talk to Alex as friends but why put myself through that? I can still sever the ties right now with minimal hurt. Technically we decided mutually to go on a break and see what happens in a few months when he's back from his vacation in MA. But for right this second that seems foolish. Almost like climbing a ladder you know is broken. I'm just gonna come crashing down and I know it. The higher I climb the harder I fall. So why do I do this to myself if I know it's bad?

 

My sister was telling me today she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend because "she doesn't have time for this s***." meaning she's 28 and wants marriage soon. Me though...I don't have time for this s*** because I deserve better. Maybe I don't think my body is great, but my soul?... That's pretty good. I have tried to be rude, but I always feel bad and need to apologize. I even put others before me when I know they might not deserve that respect. I should be proud of myself and have more self worth so I can find a guy that will respect me too, but it's just so hard when you're 20.

 

I'm skimming Facebook because I'm bored...Alex says his Ex's name was Kelly, but why does his facebook say it was Shaina in old posts all the way back to december and before then. Why did he call her princess and call me that as well? Why did she write lyrics on his wall that was the song he once told me reminded him of me? Now that's what I call Sketchy.

[Dancergirl425]

I received a text from Alex last night asking for me to give him back his favorite sweatshirt and teddy bear. That sounded reasonable so I said of course I would give them back. He asked if I would bring them to his house. Only problem is I live 35 minutes away and never go in that direction really. I told him this and he said "Can't you make a special delivery?" When I said no he asked if I could mail it to him. When I told him that costs too much and that he should come pick it up from my house he just sent me back a . I'm sorry, but he dumped me why should I have to go drop his crap off at his house? I'm nice, but I'm not stupid. I know when not to be walked all over. I told him if I'm ever in the area that would be the first thing I'd do, but I'm not making a half hour trip to give him his stuff...see him...get upset...and drive home for a half hour. I've been doing good at healing and I don't need to break that streak I'm on. I've decided not to contact him and so far he's been contacting me once a day but mostly just to see what I'm up to..if I've been hooking up with guys. It' kind of annoying actually. He pretends that he cares about me but really he's just throwing me lines like "I think about you all the time" and stuff so that I won't ever be able to get over him. I'm thinking if this keeps up NC will have to be enforced because words like those hurt. Obviously I don't matter enough to him if he thinks about me all the time and doesn't do anything about it. Am I right or am I right?

 

Work's been good...aerobics classes have been good..friends have been great...might even go to a salsa club soon. I'm going to live life and forget this a**hole that thinks he can run my life.

 

Last night I went over my best friend's house. We sort of dated in High School but never actually were official. Then we went to college and had different relationships but always hooked up when we were home. Now we're currently both single (he broke up with his girlfriend and told me he had hopes we'd be together). I'm not going to act on this feeling right now because I know that it would be bad...rebounds are always bad. But I'm starting to think we could have a future. He listened to me vent about Alex for an hour last night. commenting in all the right spots and giving great advice. He just went through a difficult break up from his ex so he knew what I was feeling. He's always been the best friend a girl could ask for and great to all the other friends in my group. I'm kind of nervous to move out of the friends zone with him bc if it didn't work out Idk what would happen, but we always joke about getting married so I'm pretty sure it we'll be friends forever at the very least. Let me just take one day at a time for now.

[Dancergirl425]

June 9, 2009. I've been doing a lot better. Almost 100% myself again, but still feel a little sad here and there. I've been doing good with the whole NC thing...didn't text Alex at all yesterday, and didn't get any texts from him either. I am feeling like texting him now, but I know

1. If he doesn't answer back or is rude or doesn't seem to care I'll be upset

2. If he says he misses me it'll be upseting

3. If he just asks for his stuff back again i'll be upset

 

So really what would he say that could make me happy? I feel like it's a lose lose situation because all I want to hear from him is that he wants me back even if I don't intend on getting back together with him. Why do we ask for heartbreak? I think I'm going to text him..just keep it casual. It's hard to go from talking to that person every five seconds to nothing in a few days. This will be my trial run..if it doesn't work out I will continue with NC. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it.

[Dancergirl425]

turns out option 1 occurred. our conversation:

 

me: "hey"

him: "hi"

me: "what's up?"

him: "nothing"

 

o well... I tried. can't blame me for wanting to try