Writing to Vent and Heal

[chewy21]

Just wanted to post some writing I've done over the past few days since I found out that my ex who suffers from clinical depression didn't leave me to work on her problem- she left me for an internet relationship with a guy from Vancouver... and she lives in Texas. To me that just screams "I'm not in my right mind", but it's her decision, and she has to live with it. She will miss me; I'm positive of that. But these were some things I've written to move on. Be warned that the themes and words used are pretty mature. And no, I didn't send any of this.

 

The first was a poem:

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Blush.

Blush at his borrowed words and skewed emotions, you heartless harlot.

Get sloppy-sticky for your fantasy prince, while the shell of the man you slew cowers and cries in the corner.

Advance, knowing that your actions are not your own, knowing that you'll reap what you have sown,

Knowing that nowhere will feel like home.

Pretend until you believe that what you had, you didn't need.

Retreat from the mess that's in your head, bleed it out, and drink it away.

Forget the past to save your ass. The consequences are not yours to face.

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The second thing I wrote was a letter. I wrote it mainly for myself.

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After what I learned yesterday morning, I finally got some clarity on it all tonight. Either that, or maybe I just started to think about myself for a change instead of thinking about you, like I have for the last two and a half years.

 

I have no doubt that I loved you. I loved you more than I ever thought I could love another person. I loved you more than myself, and because I feel like I border on narcissism sometimes, that's really saying something. I like me. I like me alot. But I liked you more. I wanted more for you.

 

Our relationship has been cheapened by your treatment of it. There are three main reasons I feel this way:

 

1. You left me with complete disregard for what would happen to me as a result. You don't do that to roommates, let alone someone you claim to love.

 

2. You lied to me about the reason you left, causing me to go out of my mind for an entire month before you spill the truth. And even then, it wasn't an admission to me. It was a drunken comment at the end of one of your very public YouTube videos saying that you would be spending a week in October with Nathan.

 

3. You trashed a healthy, supportive, and special relationship with someone who truly loved you for an emotional affair with some guy on the internet who you've never met and who lives thousands of miles away. You did all of this for that, because your whole spiel about "leaving to work on my depression for ME" is seen now for the bull * * * * that it is. If you were really concerned about your depression, you would take the time to work on it, and you'd realize that if you can't do it with me, then you need to do it alone.

 

It truly amazes me that you did those things to me for some * * * * you've never met. It makes me feel like a doormat, like I'm the butt of some cruel joke. Everything I did when we were together was to try and help you. Yeah, I buckled under the pressure a few times, who wouldn't? But all in all, I'm proud of myself for what I endured. I gave you everything I had. And how do you repay me? By spitting in my * * * * ing face. You've basically told me that a shot at seeing this guy a few weeks out of the year and talking to him on the internet is WAY better than anything I could ever do for you. And it must be WAY better, because it was worth completely destroying me to do it.

 

I say all this while bearing in mind that you're * * * * ed in the head. You've got a serious problem, and you're not fully in control of your actions. You always made bad decisions, but usually I could make you see that they were bad, and usually you could feel that they were bad. I used to ask myself sometimes, "When does depression stop becoming an excuse?" I've got my answer. Right here. Right * * * * ing here, Jessica. I don't give a * * * * how goddamn depressed you are, you had no right to treat me the way you did. And it reflects on your childish nature that you did this all to me, someone who loved you with everything they had and was willing to do whatever it took to support you, for this stupid * * * * ing internet "relationship." * * * * you for that.

 

Even earlier today, I was still making excuses for you. I argued with my mom that even though you had done all this * * * * to me, I still needed to be there for you in case you needed me. I felt responsible because you'd opened up to me more than you had anyone else. I loved you more than I loved myself, and so I was still willing to sacrifice myself so that you might someday find happiness.

 

But you won't. What you're doing with Nathan is not going to help you beat your depression, it's going to help you feel better about being depressed. It's going to make you not want to work on it, because you'll feel like you don't have to. Yeah, it'll be nice for a while, to be with someone who accepts the fact that you're depressed, and who understands what you're going through. But pretty soon you'll start to realize again that you're not happy. You won't be happy until you beat this thing.

 

That was another reason you gave for leaving. "I'm not happy." No * * * * . You weren't happy because you were * * * * ING DEPRESSED. It had nothing to do with me or our relationship. You just wanted to leave so that you could be with somebody who didn't care about getting you healthy, but made you feel good about being ill.

 

I can't do anymore. I have nothing left to give. You pissed on everything I gave you while we were together, and now that we're not, you've still managed to take my dignity away from me. No more. No more lies, no more running around behind my back, no more taking advantage of me. I'm done. I've got to live for me now. And I'm pleasantly surprised that I still feel like I can do that.

 

All this... so you could have an internet boyfriend. You're unbelievable. And I deserve better than that.

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I've been doing better since I found out. Everything seems to add up now, and I don't feel like there's anything more I could have done to save our relationship. I also don't feel like there's anything I can do right now to help her. If at some point in the future she can show that she's changed and wants to help herself, then I would hope that I could offer my support.

 

Anyway, I'd like to read anything that you guys may have written to get all the pain out of your head and onto a sheet of paper (or a computer screen, either way). Looking forward to reading your work.

[Mamasita]

what i wrote when i was depressed i read months later and was totally mortified so i binned it all lol. painful angry stuff... just like urs.

 

the thing about depression - its a very selfish illness, i dont think Jessica would be capable of seeing what she was doing and what she was throwing away... i'm sure she'll look back on this one day and regret what she did, and by then it will be too late because u would be over it and have moved on.

 

cheers,

Reese

[COtuner]

Sorry you are going through this chewy. I can only hope she has not damaged your ability to love and be loved through her selfish actions

 

As to your question..... I have 167 draft emails to "him" that I never sent, written from just before our breakup until some time afterwards. Not quite ready to post them on the web - too painful to read and remember the hurt I felt.

[SecretLives]

This sounds really similar to my ex

 

....He suffered with depression and even though I threw EVERYTHING I could into helping and supporting him, he broke up with me after a year saying he'd never really got over the breakup with his ex wife.

 

Now I've just found out he's hooked up with some other woman just six weeks later. Feel like I'm back to square one now when just yesterday I thought I was pretty much over him.

 

It hurts like hell, but both your ex and mine will regret what they've done/ But like Mamasita says, by then we would've found love with someone else...someone who truly deserves us. It's them that are gonna have to deal with the consequences, face up to the fact they threw it all away.

 

I know it's hard but try to keep reminding yourself that.

 

One line you wrote-

What you're doing with Nathan is not going to help you beat your depression, it's going to help you feel better about being depressed.

 

That really sums it all up. And it's only a matter of time till the initial buzz of a new relationship wears off they'll be thrown back into the real world- and feeling cr*p all over again.

[chewy21]

Thank you guys for your responses.

 

SecretLives, your situation matches mine almost exactly. The only difference is small: she told me she was leaving to work on her depression instead of for this guy. I, too, found out just a few days ago, about a month after we split. And, like you, I was to the point where I was starting to heal (at least I felt like I was). Then I found that out, and yeah, back to square (-10). Now not only am I dealing with everything all over again, I've got anger and betrayal issues to deal with as well. It made it easier for a while, because everything added up and made sense, and it was clear that I had to move on. Yet today... I've kind of slipped backward. It's so screwed up that I still want her after everything she's put me through.

 

I'm working on it, though, and most of the time I'm fine. I'm just glad that this next weekend will be the last time I have to see her.

 

Again, thanks for your responses, though I'd still love to read some of what you guys have written down. I realize that sometimes that stuff can be private, but please post anything you feel comfortable sharing. I'd love to read it.

[Coyote9]

Very very powerful stuff...thank you for putting it here. I've had relationships end in ways that were completely unexpected, by ex's who ended up going right into relationships with other people, even though that wasn't what they told me. Like yours, both of my last two ex's left without even really being able to face me, leaving me a note or an e-mail to tell me that we were done. I think it's so hard to realize the people we loved were in fact not who we thought they were.

 

It sounds like your anger is actually helping move you forward and away from this, which is a good thing. I don't know any of the exact details of the woman I'd been seeing for 6 months who dumped me by e-mail about 5 weeks back. Usually, there's someone else, at least waiting in the wings. Your ex has done you a favor in that you know the real story, sad one that it is (for her). She sounds a lot like my most recent ex, fight down to the depression issues, always wanting a man to help her feel better about hersellf and addicted bascially to the intrigue of a new relationship.

 

She will tire of this guy to and likely continue her pattern...and you are free of it, even as I know it sounds like you love her deeply, you dodged a bullet here in not having to be continually hold up both ends of this relationship yourself. I'm glad you posted this...as I think the anger phase is really important for those of us who post here, who all too often put of ex's on a pedestle and suffer needless trying to let go when we've often been treated so poorly in the breakup and often in the relationship. Keep moving forward!

coyote

[chewy21]

Thank you, Coyote. Your post reminded me of the direction I'm headed: forward and away.

 

I was a little nervous about posting this, as usually the threads on here focus on the positive, and I thought that people might be a bit put-off by the tone of my writing here. But, that said, I don't think we should altogether ignore the anger phase that many of us experience. Just as with any other aspect of a breakup, it helps to get it out there and to empathize with others who are going through the same thing.

 

I'm glad you appreciated my post, and thank you once again for helping me keep my chin up and eyes forward.

[Coyote9]

I dug back a couple of years here and found a thread that has been a source of inspiration to me chewy. One of my "mentors" here when I first came to ENA was friscodj, who disappeared from the board early in 2008 for whatever reason...this is his letter to his ex and I think, especially as men, it speaks to us about the anger we feel but sometimes are reluctant to express...chewy, your post tonight reminded me of this one by friscodj, which helped me take my then ex down off of the pedestle I'd put her on, and realize I deserved better...

 

[chewy21]

Thank you for the link, Coyote. Yes, those are the kinds of things I want to read. Those are the kinds of things that help us realize what we feel so deep down that we can't dig it up enough to express it.

 

My hat is off to friscodj. I understand how deep he had to dig (and how long he had to stay in that hole) to come back with that letter. It was inspiring and enlightening. In all honesty, I think his thread may have rekindled some false hope in me, what with the girl on there reading his letter and deciding to take her ex back... but either way, it was a good read. Thanks again.

[COtuner]

Thank you for the link, Coyote. Yes, those are the kinds of things I want to read. Those are the kinds of things that help us realize what we feel so deep down that we can't dig it up enough to express it.

 

My hat is off to friscodj. I understand how deep he had to dig (and how long he had to stay in that hole) to come back with that letter. It was inspiring and enlightening. In all honesty, I think his thread may have rekindled some false hope in me, what with the girl on there reading his letter and deciding to take her ex back... but either way, it was a good read. Thanks again.

 

I just broke up from a GBT situation.... doesn't always work out for the best. In fact 2 other ENA friends of mine also had their GBTs fail. So stay aware that it most likely is false hope - I am too much of a romantic to say "never", and I would do it all over again myself were I back at that point - but stay in the "now".

 

BTW - re-reading that made me cry all over again (I first read it when I went through my original breakup) - it's an extremely powerful letter. It makes me feel horrifically guilty for what I may have put my guy through, but it also makes me hurt for what he put me through.