Jealous of my best friend.

[Aznpincer]

Ok a bit of background before I get to the actual issue.

 

My friend Ranelle and I have been great friends since our freshman year in high school. We met in beginning band and both started on the clarinet. We got to know each other well through the year, and joined the actual marching band in our sophomore year. At the new beginning I considered us equal. In the sense that neither of us could drive, we both had crushes, and neither of us had a girlfriend. The girlfriend was the big one. Time passed and it came to our senior year. At this point both of us had gotten better at playing and marching over all. Still no driving of girlfriends, but crushes were there on a few girls in the school.

 

There was a girl named Mary in our clarinet section, she was nice and good looking and a friend of both Ranelle and myself. I had liked her the previous year in band but nothing major and got over that quickly, so we were just friends. As time went by Ranelle and Mary became a bit close. I had always been jealous of Ranelle's good looks and charm. He had a natural way with girls that I envied. And I was jealous of how close he could get to mary. As for me I was generally awkward around girls I didn't know, especially ones I had a thing for.

 

So I get this idea in my head that really now thinking back to it does not make sense, but back then it did seem to make sense to me.

 

"Maybe if I get them together I won't be so jealous."

 

Ugh. What a mistake that was. Again ugh.

 

So to set them up. At our first football game the band sat in the bleachers and I had him sit next to her. And I sat behind them. I would gradually push her sweater (which was between them) off the bench with my clarinet, he would pick it up for her, and I'd say things like "aww how sweet" and "how very gentleman like" and laugh.

 

Let's just say on that day the "crush seeds" were planted and they began to like each other.

 

There are more details and many more times while they got close but none are really worth mentioning.

 

So I did have one relationship this year. With a girl by the name of Bethany. I liked her a lot, but we only lasted 6 days. (I was a senior and she was a freshman parents were not happy). So we had to break up.

 

By the time this had happened Ren and Mary were even closer. He soon asked her out an they began to date.

 

So there I am, broken hearted, no girl, no love. And there he is, my best friend and his girl friend happy as can be.

 

I'm like "grrrrr.....". But I don't say anything and pretend to be happy for them. Well I was happy for them a bit. Slightly.

 

I don't like seeing them together, but I deal.

 

So it comes to their one month anniversary. He asks me to help shop for her gift, so I go with him.

 

Something about me, I never decline anyone who asks for my help. Even if we're on bad terms.

 

-edit-

 

And she loves it. -_-;;

 

So as of now (like today) senior year ended. And I feel like I've let myself down. No girlfriend, no licence, no love.

 

Yet he comes out with the girl of his dreams, a license, and a love. (not an exaggeration.)

 

Oh and did I mention? I didn't get to go to me senior ball (prom). Don't want to get into to it. No date, etc.

 

And he goes, and had an amazing night with her.

 

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So here we are at the end of the year. Just a few details, no I don't like mary more than a friend, and no i'm not gay for him. (Friends have asked that and neither is true.)

 

And distancing is not a solution since we do a lot of the same things together within school and out.

 

But I feel like I hate him so much. Like he's better than I am, and has so much more. And there is nothing I can do about it.

 

My one dream in life has been to find someone for me, someone I can hold and cherish. And for someone to be there.

 

He has that and more, AND HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR IT!

 

And the irony is.....I set them up and I have to live with that.

 

So i'm sorry if I'm not happy for him.

I'm sorry if I regret what I've done for him.

And I'm sorry that I hate him SO MUCH!

 

I just don't know what to do, when ever I see them together (like when we seniors visit the school) I feel like crap.

 

 

 

How can I deal with this jealousy? I think about this a lot, and it keeps me down a lot of the time. It makes me feel bad about my self. Like I shouldn't be hating my friend, and should be happy for him, but at the same time I hate him and can't stand him!

 

Please, what can I do?...

[sunflower_girl]

Are you going to college? If you are, you'll be able to meet so many new people...the whole best friend/love interest ordel will quickly no longer matter.

[LonelyMoondancer]

First off, I've got to say you're a great best best friend, for being able to put your friendship ahead of your jealousy.

Anyway, I know jealousy isn't something you can just turn off. But maybe try thinking that it's not your friend who's done anything to you, but it's just the opportunities he has that you wish you had? To hate him isn't exactly fair and won't do anything for you. He isn't stopping you from reaching your goals, he hasn't taken anything away from you... unless you count Mary, but you say you don't like her that way anyway. If you weren't friends with him, you still wouldn't have what he has. I'd say, just remember that it's up to you to get what you want. His happiness, or unhappiness, is irrelevant to your personal situation. Continue to be a great friend to him, and realize that you have it in your hands to go get what you want. Your friendship with him is completely separate. You'll get more positivity out of being happy for him and perhaps realizing that maybe the way everything kind of fell in place for him will happen for you- as long as you're also trying on your own.

[Aznpincer]

Are you going to college? If you are, you'll be able to meet so many new people...the whole best friend/love interest ordel will quickly no longer matter.

 

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I start college in the fall. And I hope you're right, though I've tried pushing this out of my mind and looking in hopes of a bright future, but I still end up feeling like..well crap. It's like I can't push it out of my mind even if I pushed my mind to it's limits.

[Aznpincer]

Thanks you for your reply as well.

 

I realize that this is my fault. The so called "hatred" I feel for him is completely irrational, and he's done nothing to me. Nor has he gotten in the way of any of my life's pursuits or opportunites.

 

But that realization isn't enough for me to simply drop the negative feelings I have for him.

 

It's like these thoughts I have a self defeating and obsessive. And whenever he does something better than I do, or whenever he beats me at something, I feel enraged inside. And I don't want to speak to, or see him at all.

 

It's like I am mentally unable to subside this jealousy of what he has.

 

Becasue it's what I've always wanted..

[LonelyMoondancer]

Would you feel better if that stuff was taken away from him? Or would it not matter, as long as you get what you want?

It's not that it's your fault- jealousy is always annoying and irrational. It doesn't do one ounce of good for anyone, especially not for the person harbouring those feelings. And you're right, realization is not enough to simply drop these feelings; on its own it usually isn't. During times when I've been jealous of someone close to me, I just try to focus my attention on the fact that the other person is happy. Usually there's at least a small part of me that's happy for that person. There's still the nagging jealousy, but I just do my best to not give into it. It sucks but it's better than nothing. Is there even a small part of you glad for your friend? At least you're not both in a rut!

Also, I know with the whole relationship thing, it's kind of tricky and a lot of it depends on timing, but if you want to drive, couldn't you? You could get your liscence whenever you want! For a lot of the things you want for yourself that you don't already have, you could probably start working on them right now.

[DaynNight]

Your situation is identical to the one that I am in. The only difference is the names and ages, and I did not make them like each other. Im about to be a senior in high school and my best friend is going to be a junior. The girl he likes is the one that i knew for many years. Im 17 now, turning 18 in september, and I knew her since I was about 7. I knew my best friend since i was 16. This girl always had a crush on me, and I had one on her, however I was always too shy to try anything. Now here comes my best friend, she meets him at a party that I invited him to, and the rest is history. Im turning into a person that I wish I never was. These two people are in love with each other and I am trying everything I can to stop it. I do not like her anymore, but the reason why Im getting mad at my best friend Is not just because he made the move on her, its because he's falling in love with her. She lives about 6 hours away now, and he tells me that they are "dating". She comes down to visit her cousin about 3 times a year. That is not a normal relationship. I told my best friend that he has no idea what she is doing at her school, who she is flirting with, doing things behind his back...But, he is willing to ruin his high school life by making a commitment to this girl. I told him that it is a mistake and not to go through with it and then he gets pissed off at me. He wants me to let him make the mistake on his own. I dont want to see him get hurt, but if that's what he wants, then so be it. All im trying to do right now is remain calm... The things that upset me are him being on the phone with her, texting her non-stop, and making her his top 3 on myspace. He doesn't even know the girl. I know I sound pathetic, but unfortunately this is the way my brain works. I wish I wasn't like this, i honestly do. Just don't forget Aznpincer, your not alone.

[Aznpincer]

Thank you for your reply. And I'm sorry mine is do late. I know what that feels like. But let me ask, are you jealous of them in any way at this point? Or are you just concerned about your best friend and what will possibly happen to him?

 

If you could go back knowing what you know now would you make yourself take the chance and ask that girl out?

 

And you don't sound pathetic at all. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.