The other reason

[chewy21]

So I've been on here for about a month now. If you want my backstory, just check out the other threads I've started. There aren't many, and my original posts would be all you need to understand what's been going on with me.

 

This morning I watched a video on You Tube that Jess made last night when she was drunk. It was mostly a review of movies, but at the end, she mentioned that a You Tuber would be spending a week with her coming up in October. It was Nathan, the guy who she had been having video and voice chat sessions with toward the end of our relationship. Obviously there's something going on there, as I had suspected, but brushed off as me being paranoid and insecure. I mean, he lives in Canada and we live in Texas, what did I have to be worried about, right?

 

Anyway, I'm finally able to move forward because everything adds up, but I'm still incredibly angry that she wasn't brave enough to tell me that was one of the reasons she left. Instead, I've been strung along for the past month, wallowing in pain. But maybe it was worth it, because I now see that no matter how much we were in love, I'll be better off.

 

Thanks to everyone who's helped me through this, and I'd love to see your comments.

[hockeyboy]

Good to hear...and I also recommend yo stop looking at her youtube videos (and everything else)

[chewy21]

Thanks, hockeyboy. And your advice is sound; I hope I'm able to follow it.

 

Here's the letter I wrote to her, essentially ending it for me.

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Hey.

 

I'm just writing to tell you I finally got what I needed to move on. It took a month and you getting drunk to do it. But yeah, it figures that the one time I convince myself that I'm being paranoid or insecure... it turns out I wasn't. So Nathan's going to be spending a week with you...

 

So did you lie to me about leaving to work on your depression? Because if you're just replacing me with someone else to live for, you won't fix anything. You need to beat this thing. Otherwise you're dooming yourself to the same situation over and over.

 

I figured out why you always stayed in contact with Brian and talked to him the way you did. It's because you had no self-esteem, and you needed the validation. That's also why you post videos on You Tube, and why you're starting this thing with Nathan. Understanding that doesn't make it any easier, because it just proves that I wasn't validation enough for you. No one will be until you validate yourself.

 

But even though it's not me, I hope it works out with you and Nathan. I hope you're able to make that work and beat your depression at the same time. I tried, Jess. I gave you everything I had. There wasn't anything I wanted more than for you to enjoy life like I knew you deserved to. But, for whatever reason, what I gave you wasn't enough. I hope you find that in Nathan. You deserve to be happy.

 

I won't lie and pretend that I'm not angry. I wish you had told me straight up when you left that you were persuing something with him. That would have kept the pain and wondering from stretching out as it has. I knew there had to be some other reason. And there was. But I had to wait a month for you to get drunk and make a video before the truth came out.

 

I saw you favorited that Eternal Sunshine video. I actually watched that movie a couple of weeks ago. It was rough, but cathartic. That tells me that you at least feel something about what we've lost.

 

I still love you and care about you. I may never stop. Right now, I want to. I want to completely wipe my hands of all of this and say I'm better off. But the fact is that I still care what happens to you, and I want you to be okay.

 

One of the last things I told you in person was to try and remember the things I said to help you. I hope you do. I hope something I said makes sense one day and gives you the push you need to beat this thing. That's also why I hate to see you rushing into something so soon, because you need this time to reflect and try to better yourself, not only for yourself, but for whoever is lucky enough to get to share your life with you in the future.

 

But, for now, this is over for me. I'm not pining for you anymore because I've been hurt. Not because you're with someone else, but because you didn't tell me that it was at least part of why you left. I deserved to know that. I didn't deserve to go through the past month with the wound refusing to heal because all of the answers weren't there.

 

What happens in the future will just remain to be seen. I had actually typed up a letter to you yesterday, telling you how I was sure things could work out between us because we couldn't hide behind our love anymore. Of course, that was assuming that you left solely to work on your depression and self-esteem. Since you also left to start something new with another guy, it sounds silly now to read over it.

 

I'll miss you. I'll miss your friendship, I'll miss our inside jokes, I'll miss the ridiculous sounds we made to each other. But now I finally can realize that I am better off. You have got to get healthy before you'll be good for yourself or anyone else, and until then, I'm glad we're not in a relationship, for both of our sakes.

 

Thank you for sharing your life with me. You are still the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, both inside and out. I hope you get better. If I can help you in any way, let me know.

 

Bye, Jess.

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I'm starting to feel better after all that happened this morning. I'm glad I'm not so conflicted anymore. I knew there had to be another reason, and there it was. It hurts, but it's a hurt that I can see the end of this time.

[Effervescent]

I started crying when I read your letter. It sounds like something I would write to my ex, or rather sounds very similar to the letter I am writing to my ex. My ex didn't leave me for another person, instead he left me for a cult. It doesn't matter what the reason is, the pain and rejection feels the same. I am not planning to send my letter. I am planning to give it to his best friend. I only want my ex to get my letter when he snaps back to reality and leaves the cult. Right now, I refuse to show him that I care at all. It'll only make him feel better.

 

Chewy, I'm glad that you're feeling better and you've gotten your closure. You've accepted things for what they are now. That will help you heal a lot faster. I must admit even though it's only been two and a half weeks. I have come a very long way. I've been making a lot of improvements in my life and I don't really miss my ex anymore. I just feel a little sad from time to time now, because I know it'll be another few months, before I'm fully healed. Other than that, I should be ok. I've come to terms with a lot of my issues. I hope that you will too. We both need to move on with our lives, because that's all we can do.

[chewy21]

Hey Eff.

 

Sorry to make you cry. I guess our situations are so insane and similar that it hurts to hear someone else is coming from the same place.

 

But you're right, I'm in a better frame of mind now. As hard as it is, I'm thinking about me (singular) again, instead of us. I cried myself to sleep earlier this afternoon, and I felt a little better when I woke up. I think I needed to do that.

 

If things are ever going to improve for her, then she's going to have to realize at some point that she's got to give herself a chance to get healthy. I hope that happens for her.

[hockeyboy]

I started crying when I read your letter. It sounds like something I would write to my ex

 

...and it made me cringe.

 

I hope you didn't send that to her? If you haven't, keep it for yourself. If you have, well...what's done is done.

 

Reading that letter from an outsiders POV, all I saw was "I'm trying to act like it, but I'm not over you." That's what I took out of it.

 

Listen, I completely understand why you (and others in similar situations) feel compelled to write things like this. I've been there, a long time ago. I wrote stuff like this...I wish I hadn't.

 

Your not over her and that is fine. When you are over her...if you read this...you'll wonder if it was even you who wrote it.

 

Don't contact her, don't look at her pages...move on. Be active about it. You'll be fine...I think you know that...and when your down, remind yourself of just that.

[CRGMEM]

Sorry Chewy,

I read your post night before last. My cousin's wife is leaving him for someone she met on the internet. I think she's living in a dreamworld if she thinks that her connection with somebody thousands of miles away, that she had never met in person is a better alternative than trying to work it out with someone who has been there for her. I'm sad you had to find this out, but I hope it adds another reason to why it's better for you to move on.

And don't be embarrassed about the letter, it sounds like what I've been feeling too. If you're deeply in love with someone, you can't help but want them to feel better (especially if they're self-destructive)...but sadly, I just don't think they sit around worrying about what we're going through ourselves.

[chewy21]

Hockeyboy,

 

Thanks for your response, but honestly, I'm done playing mind games and trying to pretend to her and myself that I feel differently than I do. I sent the message before I ever posted it here, and I don't care if it turns her off, because those are just things she needs to know. She needs to know what she did to me, she needs to know I'm in the process of letting it all go, and she needs to know that if she needs my help that I'm not so damaged that I can't offer it.

 

CRGMEM said it in his last post: She's in a dreamworld. She's not in her right mind. It just screams "mental illness" for her to leave a loving, supportive, long-term relationship for a relationship over the internet with a guy thousands of miles away who she's never met. Realizing how bad this illness is skewing her judgement and affecting her mind, I can't just close the door on her if there's something I could do to help her get healthy. If that makes me clingy or if it means I'm feeding my misery, then that's just what people will have to say. The fact remains that I love her more than I love myself. I don't know if there's anything further I can do. I did everything I knew to do when we were together. If somewhere down the line she comes to some realizations about what she needs, then perhaps that's where I can help her. Until then, I am moving forward with my life. I finally have the missing reason why she left, and it's all reconciled, even though it doesn't change the fact that she's ill, nor the fact that I still love her.

 

I can take the pain of sending something like this and getting stonewalled by her for it. What I couldn't take is spending the rest of my life wondering if I could have made a difference in her life by expressing how I felt and what I was willing to do.