Indigo's whinging-(venting)-at-life thread

[Circe]

I love being able to whinge globally.. without really having to bother anyone with it. So here goes.

 

Whinge for the day.. Actually I have two whinges.

 

1) I am Sooooooooooo sick to death of all the people my age having quarter life crisis' and going off to travel the world or go do "charity work" and then considering themselves sooooo morally and spititually superior.

 

For all of you out there who manage to finance this charity work because you still live at home with your parents - just know that its actually your parents who are giving to charity here, not you. You are indulging your whims at the expense of actually buckling down into real life and keeping a job!!

 

YES - REAL LIFE, people - remember that? Or are you all so priviledged that you don't have to live in the real world? Get over yourselves - accept that life isnt always going to be full of excitement and meaning. Sometimes you just have to work for a living so you can put food on the table, build a house around yourself and your family and build some financial protection into your life and a future for your future kids.

 

Have you ever thought that there is real value in that kind of a life? That its not all just about going off to teach English in some third world country because you can't hack a 9-5 job and your parents will be here to support you when you get back.

 

2) What is it with some professional women who are horrible to other professional women in particular? It's totally disgraceful. There's a history of women treating future generations of women like crap in just about every walk of life and it needs to change.

 

Rant over.. whew..

[Circe]

I am in a bad mood. A grumpy, annoyed mood. If only it was the right time of the month, I could blame it on PMS - but I can't.

 

I need to do my class prep but I just can't bring myself to work up the enthusiasm for it so I keep procrastinating. My desk is a complete mess. I don't get to have lunch with H today and really should organise lunch with someone else so I'm not left here without a break but I can't be buggered doing that either.

[Circe]

Ok so it's Friday night and I kinda just wanna go hoooome. I'm tired. I've been a tiny bit off all day. I really don't wanna go out.

 

H is having drinks in his office (not very far away) with a couple of friends. It started at 5pm (now its 5:30pm). Of course, I was invited but I think it would be nice for him to have some time with the boys away from me so I've decided to just stay in my own work place until about 6:30 and then I'll go join him and we'll decide whether to just break it up and go home.. or all go out from there.

 

I'm secretly hoping that they all have plans and we get to go home. BUT last friday night we didnt go out because I reeaally just wanted to go home so it's only fair that we go out this friday night.

 

I just sometimes wish we could do our own thing. So i wish he could go out.. and i could go home. OR - he go out with the guys.. while I go out with one of my female friends. Just for dinner of course.

 

I think i find hanging out with H's friends a bit tedious sometimes. They are LOVELY guys but they are his friends, history with him, his bond - not really mine and friendships (when you dont see each other much) take a long time to grow.

 

But I think realistically, it's the eve of a long weekend - and what I need is a more pumped attitude. You can go home and lounge about any night, right? Should go out there and make some new experiences, even if they arent ideally the ones I'd chose to make.

[Circe]

I'm having an "I hate my job" day and if I don't get this off my chest I'll just sit here and either become depressed, or talk myself into believing I'm depressed.

 

I hate all the periods of having nothing to do and just sitting in anticipation of stuff I might or will have to do in the near future. At least if I was busy all the time I wouldnt have time to worry about that stuff.

 

I hate this feeling that everything I do is new to me. I hate this constant questioning myself and doubting myself and wondering if I have what it takes for this.

 

I just thought (professionally speaking) that my life would have more meaning than this. That it would be more rewarding than this. That I'd feel like my days were worthwhile. And for the majority of the time, I don't feel that way.

 

I am so happy with my life outside of work that it seems like such an enormous shame to feel like this during the true bulk of my days.

 

And yet walking away would make me feel like a failure and what on Earth would I walk towards anyway?

 

I wish, so much, that I could turn back time to 10 years ago and picked a completely different uni course.

 

Would that have meant that I never met my husband? The funny thing is, I believe I would have met him anyway.

 

I constantly live with this horrible feeling of "it's too late to change" living simultaneously with "it's not too late to change", again living simultaneously with "you are already where you are supposed to be".

 

 

[Circe]

This is the end of the second day in a row when I have felt sick to my stomach and chest heavy thinking about what I have gotten into professionally.

 

I cannot believe it was just weeks ago that I was sure this was the profession for me. I don't know what's happened. It feels like it's just hit me. I feel so trapped and .. sick at the pit of my stomach. Like a trapped worm. That's how I feel. Ive told H and he thinks it will pass and is worrying himself trying to find ways to cheer me up when I'm worried - it won't pass. It's the real deal. I'm stuck and miserable. How did this happen to me?

[Circe]

I am feeling a lot better today. I had a bit of a melt down last night, felt really upset about it all. Felt trapped. Felt like I had no other options now. Felt like my head is going to explode.

 

The bridge I drive over sometimes to get home has many lanes. Usually there are four lanes going in my direction but they increase/decrease lanes sometimes depending on whether there's more traffic going in or out of the city. I shifted into the furthest (fourth) lane without really thinking (i was upset over the work stuff) and as a car gently beeped me from behind, I realised that the four lanes had been shifted into 3 and I was now on the same lane as incoming traffic and that I couldnt shift back because the lane I'd originally been on was at a traffic stand still. Thank God for me there were no cars coming at me on that lane and I managed to squeeze my car back into the original lane before anything happened.

 

Wow. What a mess. I can't believe I was so careless.

 

Anyway so I talked to my husband and was quite upset last night. He sat silently for quite a while after I talked. Funny, the "me" from 2 years ago who was just starting to get to know him would have gone "why arent you saying anything? Why don't you care?" but the me now knows that when he's upset and worried he goes silent.

 

So, instead of taking comfort in any words he could have offered, I instead took comfort in knowing he was sitting beside me, holding my hand, caring about me, worrying about me, doing his very best to be there for me.

 

I eventually went to have a shower and I think that's when I started to get it. Sure this is an incredibly stressful job and sure you feel alone in that stress because of the massive bravado that everyone else puts on, but my challenge/task is to work through that stress and not let it defeat me. I can't keep growing as a person unless I'm constantly challenged. I have to keep learning how to manage the stress and to keep things in perspective and to not panick. When things get tough (for whatever reason, stress, temporary boredom, actual difficulty, worry, uncertainty) my first reaction cannot be to escape. Escapism is just a fantasy. I have to live in the real world.

 

Now for better or for worse, this profession is the one I chose.

 

I worked hard for 10 years to get where I am and it's a place I can be and should be and am proud of. I am not going to give up now because of all this doubt. No. I'm going to look this situation in the face and soldier on. My task is to make the best of what I have and to work with what I have - not to dream about escaping to the ephemeral "something else". That's the easy way out but you don't build character by taking the easy way out and you don't build a life that way either.

 

I made my choices and I stand by them. I do not undermine ten years of hard work and following both heart and brain by freaking out and jumping onto the life raft now. I do not abandon ship. That would be something to regret.

 

I don't know how all of that came to me in the shower but i started to feel a lot better afterwards. I had a nice night with H after that and this morning I do feel much more like myself.

 

 

[Circe]

Ahhh... ok well I had to run a trial today, which I lost.

 

I'm feeling sorry for the client but philosophical over all. This is the first time I've lost. I thought it would feel a lot worse than it does but I guess I can take comfort in knowing I did everything I could.

 

So this vent is about my opponent, the lawyer for the other side.

 

The last time i saw him was a few weeks ago. We'd been given a "provisional" trial date and the lot us (our clients, all the witnesses etc) had to turn up and just wait to see if a Judge became available to hear it.

 

We ended up waiting all day and so he (let's call him "AC") and I spent some time talking. We did the usual chit chat about work, where we had worked in the past, what sort of matters we usually did, etc etc.

 

I got the impression he was very much bragging but that's hardly unusual in this profession - then, we were talking about lawyers who do nothing but work all day long and never go home.

 

I made an off-hand remark saying "it must be because they don't have much to go home to". And he said "Well, I've been in a relationship for two years now and I'm starting to avoid going home."

 

The remark threw me. I laughed uncomfortable and that completely killed the chit-chat.

 

Now H and I have both read the book "not just friends". I have dealt with those kinds of issues in my past and I know how important boundaries are and how quickly things can slip from innocent to something just a bit more than innocent, to something wrong. And I wanted to know, going into our marriage, that my husband, had done some basic reading on the subject and had some knowledge on these issues.

 

One of the things the book talks about "windows" and "walls". You know, basic stuff really. You have to appropriate walls around your relationship and you shouldnt open a window for someone else to come in and the sort of thing that can give rise to a window.

 

Talking about the flaws in your relationship with a stranger can lead to opening a window etc.

 

Anyway so when I was speaking to my H that day I said "remember Not Just Friends?" and I recounted my experience with AC and said "as soon as he started talking about his relationship, and negatively too, I just had to shut the conversation down because it naturally felt a bit wrong. It just naturally felt a bit inappropriate..

 

Anyway so before the trial today I looked up the court details and noticed that this time, unlike last time, we had a proper time and judge allocated. We didnt just have to go in and sit down and wait. Now there is a term for having to just turn up and wait. It's called being on the "swinging list".

 

Now, I wrote an email to AC, letting him know which witnesses (on his side) I needed to be present for cross-examination and which witnesses I didnt need (so if they wished, they could just stay at home instead of taking the day off to sit in court). I concluded with "I see we have an actual judge this time and am very glad we aren't on the swinging list".

 

He replies with "I don’t mind swinging from time to time. (ha ha)"

 

Anyway, I did not reply. But it goes to show doesnt it? I think THAT is the kind of "flirting" which is inappropriate. People ask on this forum all the time, when is flirting (where one or both persons are taken) "inappropriate". I think that's inappropriate.

 

How do you draw the line? I really don't know and I guess other people would have completely different thoughts on whether any of that was inappropriate. But it definitely is to me. It definitely is to my H and all I can say is THANKGOD we share similar views because it could really be problematic if we didn't.

 

So do I think this guy was trying to crack onto me? Not so much but I do think he was drawing a line out to see how I'd respond. Totally uncool.

[Circe]

Why do I feel so crap?

 

I had a hard day in court yesterday. I knew it was coming so I spent practically the whole of Sunday (in addition to other time last week) preparing for it.

 

In order to compensate, my husband and I planned a really lovely Friday night and Saturday. On Friday night we took his dad and brother to my favourite neighbourhood restaurant for dinner.

 

Which was nice and all but

(a) I could have really used a glass of wine. Because his father doesn't drink I just figure its not polite to drink in front of him. I'm sure he wouldnt care less but anyway...

 

(b) Because my husband and his brother don't speak to each other during the week until we actually physically meet up, and my husband adores his brother, he spent practically the whole time chatting to his brother about sport (which my husband doesnt usually talk about or watch, and I know nothing about, but my BIL is really into). Which kind of just left me sitting with his dad twiddling our thumbs because his dad's not too chatty and is reeeeaallly hard to understand (accent). Of course we did speak to each other but there was substantial moments of boredom.

 

Not to say that I blame anyone for my boredom (of couse my H needs to catch up with his bro and of couse that was the natural venue for it) .. I simply say I was in fact bored so it wasnt that much of an "unwind" for me, especially without the wine!!

 

On saturday we'd planned to watch Transformers and then go to dinner at another local favourite.

 

That was all cool but for dinner, I ordered lamb shanks and we had mash on the side and my goodness it was a big meal. So when it got down to desert (what I'd been waiting for) - chocolate fandant, I was literally in pain from the second bite onwards. And the wine was crap.

 

So.. there's my vent. It was a nice weekend but I've had better and I think because my working days can be so stressful and depressing most of the time, I really need good weekends to keep me going. And it wasnt a bad weekend it just didnt give me the "release" or "kick start" that I need from my weekends to get me through the week.

 

And then Sunday I worked all day..

 

And then yesterday the hearing was difficult. I had my moments and I have a sneaking suspicion we'll win this one but of course, I'm me, so professionally speaking, I can't help but only focus on the things I should have done better.

 

I'm telling myself I'm learning from it all but it's not making me feel any better.

 

And then after that long day in court, my H had an invitation to the US consular-general's home - some dinner they put on in celebration of Independence Day (the first working day after 4 July). The Harvard Crocodilos were making a world tour and performed at the house - that was great. They were a very entertaining and very talented achapella group.

 

And the food was nice. Nice and piping hot on a cold day. BUT I tend to feel very uptight and unrelaxed at events where you meet new people and make "small talk". It's not that I can't do it its just that I'm not sure I really enjoy it. So there were lots of good aspects to it but it was also again just hard to unwind at the end of a long day because we were at an uptight function where we didnt know many people.

 

And then today I got a substantial chunk of work done so I should feel good but I just feel crap.

 

Sigh.

 

No idea whats wrong with me..

[Circe]

Well, things are not good. Not good at all.

 

 

 

I think I am hovering a few inches above the border of being depressed at work.

 

I feel so trapped. There are so many reasons why I feel like I can't get out of this job situation, at least for the next two years.

 

So many reasons why I feel like I can't instigate change.

 

On top of all those reasons, there is the additional reason that I simply wouldnt know what else to do.

 

I feel so trapped.

[Circe]

Well I am very, very sad today. It started last night when I got an email from a girl I once considered one of my best friends .. she meant so much to me and still does.

 

The email made it clear that she wanted nothing more to do with me. Not even a tiny bit more. Ever. But I still don't know why she's taken this approach. And I can never ask because she's made it clear she wants no more communication.

 

I felt very sad all of last night and the feeling has for the most part persisted into today.

 

Of course I feel like it must have been my fault. Like I must be a terrible, horrible sort of person deep down for such an old friend to act the way she has acted, not just in the email yesterday, but over the last year and a half.

 

 

[Circe]

Things are really, really not good.

 

I've started to feel a kind of apathetic indifference to work that's really not helpful.

 

Still feeling so very sad about my friend and her decision to have nothing further to do with me.

 

Still feel trapped in this situation. Want to see the way out, but can't.

[Circe]

Wow - what a Friday night.

 

I am not a drinker. I only even started drinking around the age of 25. Even then I rarely had more than two drinks in one sitting - and only ever drank on Friday night or one of the weekend nights.

 

Last Friday night however, it was time to celebrate. I'd had a massive victory in court and even I knew I had to mark it with some sort of celebration.

 

So, my husband and I and four other friends went out to a really charming little wine bar in the city to have a few drinks and a bite to eat.

 

We turned up at around 6:30pm and had a fantastic time, laughing, talking, drinking and eating until about 11:30pm. Throughout the course of the night, I had a bit of food and 4 glasses of red wine.

 

My goodness. Somewhere along glass 3 I was approaching drunk. By the end of glass 4 I was just inebriated. It was ridiculous! I had to hang on to my husband's arm in order to walk straight to the car, and I really cannot remember much of the drive home at all.. except that I involuntarily threw up all over myself and the car!!!!

 

My poor husband.. he helped me up the stairs and to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up again and try to get my skirt off to soak it with water (which the drycleaner told my H the next day only sets the stain - and basically stood by the running water for a long time unable to move.

 

I eventually decided to crawl to the shower and try to get clean. I of course, couldnt stand.. so I sat in the shower.. trying to adjust the water so it wasn't too hot or too cold.

 

My husband then came in. Apparently more than an hour had passed while I was there. He had cleaned up the mess in the car as well as he could and had apparently popped into the shower to see if I was ok a number of times. I couldnt remember ANY of this.

 

All I could remember was apparently the last time that he popped into the shower, a bit annoyed this time, saying "you have to come out darling, the hot water is going to run out, you've been in there for an hour".

 

To my completely drunken mind, I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought I'd been in there five minutes max and couldnt even move, much less come out. So I think I sulked and pouted and told him to go away.

 

He eventually convinced me to come out of the shower, wrapped me up in a towel and put me to bed.

 

I woke up feeling quite terrible. The room was spinning a bit, I had a head ache.. and just that awful feeling of "crap, what did I do to myself?".

 

I also felt terrible guilt for being mean to my H and saying "go away" when he was trying to help! So I apologised profusely and felt just terrible. He gave me many, many hugs, told me how much he loved me and said "my baby's had her first hangover!" and was just fantastic about it all.

 

Then he went and got me some food and a panadol in some water while I stayed in bed and as I sat in the mirror, looking at my hair.. which had gone from its natural straight to curly locks, in a messy heap over my head .. and thinking "oh my, I look like crap" he said "you look so beautiful right now" in the most sincere and loving, gorgeous voice. And when I asked how he could possibly say that he said my eyes had gone absolutely huge and he didnt know what it was, but I looked gorgeous.

 

So he's a champ and a half.

 

Eventually I felt better and had a shower and we drove in to his parents end of town where he got a hair cut and we then all went and had a massive spanish dinner and ate so very much food.

 

The next day, I had to do some coaching on Sunday morning.. and then we had cake for breakfast and then went to get the car steam cleaned professionally, as - oh my - it just stunk!!!

 

We were waiting for it to be cleaned over a coffee at the cafe attached to the cleaners. We talked about how I've been feeling job wise, what, if any difference my recent win makes, what the real issues were for me, whether it was really the job or my self-esteem and confidence in my ability to be in this profession etc.. and we also had much more light hearted chats joking around and beaming with pride at Jane (our car) as she got cleaner and more sparkly by the minute.

 

When we left, I left my wallat (stuffed with cash and all my cards) there on the table!!! The people who run that joint must be incredibly lovely and honest because they took our my drivers licence, looked me up on the white pages, and called to say they had my wallat!

 

We picked it up this morning before coming into work.

 

Last night we relaxed over the movie Collateral and Miami Vice and just had a nice time in together.

 

So yes.. a lot of calamity this weekend. my first drunken experience. my first hangover. paying a fortune to get car steam cleaned. losing wallat at car cleaners ... but it all turned out good in the end I guess and we still had a nice weekend when all was said and done.

 

 

[Circe]

Time for an update! It's hard to decide whether to put it in the "whinge" thread or "good stuff" thread.. but I think "whinge" wins.

 

I've had an INCREDIBLY busy two weeks (before this week). It's been a lot better this week and I'm so grateful for that.

 

The first of my two busy weeks was the toughest. I had a massive case that I had a very short time and very few resources to use to prepare for. I was working long nights and the whole weekend. But it was very important career-wise and something I felt I had to do and should be grateful for the opportunity.

 

What compounded that and made it very difficult is that my poor husband was going through such a tough time with his own career. He tends to get tunnel vision when things arent going as well as he would wish and for a variety of reasons, has standards so high for himself that even he (with all his brilliance and breathtaking ability - struggles to reach unless lady luck happens to be by his side.. and she isnt alway!).

 

Anyway it was really hard. I felt very pressured because I felt that I was reminding him (with my big case) of what he wanted but hadnt really gotten over the last 18 months - and the thought that I might be bringing him pain just by existing - was so hard to deal with. I tried not to think of it that way but it was really, really upsetting me.

 

He was also feeling extremely miserable. He'd burst into tears out of nowhere.. walk around looking like there was a death in the family.. feel exhausted all the time but without reason. Be unable to see that there was anything positive in his life (except me/us).

 

Despite having such a busy week, I tried to do as much for him as I could. I took time out of every day to talk to him and try to encourage him. Gave him lots of hugs and kisses. Try to be as encouraging and positive and supportive as possible. I tried introducing him to a few people who I thought might be able to help him out. I encourgaed him to consider seeing a counsellor and perhaps even taking some medication again for a little while.

 

He responded really badly to that.. he just really didn't want to do counselling again and definitely didnt want to "take medication just to be myself". It seemed to upset him so very much .. that I backed off from trying to push that route. After all - his health is something he has to make his own decisions about. I can't force him - nor should I. Nor would I want to. It's too must responsibility and its misplaced. I can give my opinion but it needs to end there.

 

So dealing with all of this on top of my big case and week of enormously hard work and long hours really took a toll on me.

 

After the case finished things came to .. a bit of a climax.

 

I did well.. everyone I knew was very happy for me. Now I did not expect my husband to be acting all happy for me because quite frankly he'd been stuck in tunnel vision for many many many weeks by then and it had really culminated to the worst its been in years - by that week. And all he could really think about was himself (how unhappy he was with his career).

 

So .. I didnt expect him to just shake all that off or anything.

 

But.. I think I underestimated just how much of a toll things had taken on me as well.

 

That afternoon, after the case finished, instead of celebrating, I spent 4 hours trying to comfort him. 4 straight hours of giving him really positive encouragement and support. But it was like talking in circles. He'd listen and come back to exactly the same position. "Everything's hopeless. I have nothing. I've failed. Everyone's let me down." (I have to say at this stage - although his career is not what he wants it to be - it's a whole lot better than a lot of people.. but thats not even nearly good enough for him).

 

Followed by anger with the situation.

 

Followed by saying he wants to quit.

 

I told him that if he eventually quitted I'd support the decision. If he wanted to do something that required moving away - I'd support that. Even if it meant giving up my career. BUT if he was going to make a decision like that it was not a good idea to do it while depressed. Thats the worst time to be making life altering decisions.

 

Now I have to repeat we'd been having the same conversation for months now.

 

Its been intense and difficult. For both of us.

 

So.. after 4 hours of it.. I snapped.

 

For the first time. I snapped and said "you're right.. maybe you are crap at this". And then walked away.

 

He looked at me so shocked and upset and hurt. But something had actually snapped in my mind. Perhaps my emotional reserves had just been completely depleted and I was in "shut-myself-off-self-protect-emotionally-cold-mode" or something but it was like a wall came down and I couldnt feel empathy anymore. All I could feel was anger.

 

He said "why did you say that?"

 

And I said "because you convinced me".

 

Then he told me that was a terrible thing to say. And then I really lost it. I told him he's been really selfish and blind these last few months. I listed all the things I'd done for him to help him out of the bind he's in. I mentioned how he's been unable to see any of that.. and unable to see past himself and that I was tired of it. Then I said "please leave". We were in my office.

 

And then he said it. He said B**** under his breath and walked off. He has never, ever, ever, ever, ever called me anything like that in his whole life. He's never even been angry at me. He's never told me off. He's never snapped at me just because he's annoyed. So that was big.

 

And given how depeleted and exhausted I was already feeling that was the last straw for me too.

 

I KNEW he was going to come back and apologise. I know how he is and I know it would not have been long before he deeply regretted saying that and wanted to make things better with us. The problem was -I don't work the same way he does. When I'm angry I can't reach out and be affectionate. I need space. Otherwise I will be cold. But seeing me be cold really hurts him.

 

So in order to avoid him coming down to apologise (without giving me sufficient time to cool off first) - I took my purse (but not my phone or my handbag) and left and went to my favourite bar. It's the bar of a rather classy hotel. It's the only bar I like because its quiet and safe.

 

So I sat down at the bar, faced away from the rest of the room and ordered a drink. The bar tender tried to engage in conversation but I kind of barred him (no pun intended) because I definitely didnt want to talk about it.

 

Shortly, a very pretty girl (my age) came up to me and said "I'm not a lesbian or anything but I'm new here and you look like you must be new here too". I told her no, this is my home city.. but we started talking and we talked for hours. She had broken off an engagement with her fiance who she'd been with for 4 years and basically cheated on him with a guy who also had a girlfriend. That had ended badly and now she was reconnecting with her ex-finace again - who still wanted to marry her very much. She gave me her business card and asked me to email her because she was trying to make new friends in the city.

 

Then she went away and I watched (onto my fifth drink now) a bunch of sleezy men try to hit on some girls.

 

Up until then I'd just emotionally tuned out all empathetic thoughts about my husband. For once I wasnt worried about what he was feeling. All i was thinking was how sad I was.

 

But then.. watching those men.. 11pm now (3 hours since I'd left my office) .. it suddenly all came crashing back. My normal self. It just hit me that I'd rather be unhappily with my husband - than anywhere else in the world. That I loved him so much that struggling with him was better than not struggling on my own - or anything else the world had to offer - as far as I was concerned.

 

Now 5 drinks may not be much for some people but its a LOT for me - as i'm not a drinker. 2 is my maximum.

 

Somehow though, I managed to make my way back to my office. I picked up my phone but the battery had died. So I used my work phone to call my husband. He sounded very anxious and said "where have you been?"

 

I recall slurring my way through an explanation of where I had been and who I had met and what she had told me and what I had learned from it all.

 

I then told him I was going to be home in a minute and jumped into a cab.. feigned being sobre well enough to get home .. and he carried me to bed, brought me water all through the night. Went and made me food cause I woke up in the night saying I was hungry. Told me repeatedly how much he loved me and that he was going to see a doctor to get some medication and a referral to a psychologist.

 

The next day when I fixed my phone I saw that at 9pm he had sent me a message saying " where are you hon? came to your office an hou ago and waited an hour for you.. and then walked the streets looking for you. Please be ok. I'm going to go to the doctor and get the meds/referral. I'm sorry for everything" and another at 10:30pm.. and many missed calls.

 

 

Anyway - so the next day he did go to the doctor, he did get (and has started on) the meds and he did get his referral and after being on a waiting list - is having his first appointment next week.

 

While he's still down about his career, he's nothing close to the shut down and 100% negative person he has been for the last couple of months. He now focuses on the good stuff in his life (us and the time we do have together that's free of work) and his perspective on the work situation (though still bleak) is noticeably better.

 

He's usually very affectionate but he's been even more so since then.

 

So thats how things are at the moment.

 

Its definitely not easy - life - its hard enough when you love each other so much and try so much.. I dont know how you'd do it if the love wasnt there.

 

We had a nice weekend last weekend. Saw some movies, ate out, took his parents to a fathers day lunch.. visited my parents.. cleaned the apartment together..

 

Tomorrow - half of our furniture is finally being delivered! We've been living in a practically empty apartment for the last month so its very exciting that it will soon be half furnished!