The brain ticks.....

[Marton04]

Why do I not cry as much? Is it because this is the 2nd time he's done this to me so I've cried all my tears the first time or that I'm still in denial about the whole thing or because I'm finally accepting it?

 

I'm confused - maybe it's a bit of all of the above?

 

He says he needs some time before he can talk to me again but that in itself confuses me as to why he would want to talk to me again if he's broken up with me? I told him he owes me this much to break up with me face to face but he still hasn't done it and it's been 2 weeks NC now.

 

Maybe because I think we're gonna talk in future that this is giving me a bit of hope but they could have just been words - I don't want to hope though.

 

Is anyone out there feeling the same?

[littlestar]

Living on false hope can prove more painful in the future.

[dreamwarrior]

The more someone hurts you the stronger your survival instincts surface......no more tears okay ! The time is for you now...go with the wind and soar !

[Marton04]

Littlestar - I know I can't live on hope but as much as you don't want to, you know there is just a tiny percentage that still lives in hope

 

Dreamwarrior - maybe you're right.. he has hurt me the 2nd time and maybe this time round, my defense mechanism is stronger than it was in the past and thus the tears aren't coming around as often. Of course, I still hurt deeply on the inside but for me it's kind of like "what can I do now?" - the situation is out of my hands so I just have to try to move on with life. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes.. whatever happens happens.... (I just need to keep repeating that to myself when my brain starts to analyze and overthink too much)

[COtuner]

My ex cannot let go. He has quite literally contacted me more in the last couple weeks than in the past year combined. Although I do not want to GBT. So behavior is never predictable - people all respond differently.

[Lauren.xo]

Well I'm on the second time of heartache with my ex. The first time I was a mess for four months... This time I still cried and did a bit of wanting him back for a week, but I feel stronger. I still cry and feel deeply hurt... But I'm not nearly the crazy mess I was last November. I am not saying to myself that it hurts any less, but I think its more a realisation of who he is. Letting go of hope, and acceptance is harder the second time though, IMO. I think it is harder because you know that they came back the first time, but then we just have to remind ourselves, do we want a 3,4,5 time. When is enough, enough.

[Marton04]

Well I'm on the second time of heartache with my ex. The first time I was a mess for four months... This time I still cried and did a bit of wanting him back for a week, but I feel stronger. I still cry and feel deeply hurt... But I'm not nearly the crazy mess I was last November. I am not saying to myself that it hurts any less, but I think its more a realisation of who he is. Letting go of hope, and acceptance is harder the second time though, IMO. I think it is harder because you know that they came back the first time, but then we just have to remind ourselves, do we want a 3,4,5 time. When is enough, enough.

 

Hi Lauren,

 

We are in the same boat then - second heartache with the same ex! I was a mess last time it happened too and even went to see a counsellor.

Like you I have my moments now but that's only IF I allow the bad thoughts to overwhelm me which I haven't done much this time around - just because I know how much it hurts to do that.

 

You are right.. since this has happened the 2nd time round, it's made me finally open my eyes to the fact that this guy really has issues. Last time I guess I was so happy that we got back together that we kind of swept everything under the carpet and went on our merry way. BUT he never dealt with these issues and here I am again, heartbroken due to the same reasons.

 

As much as I love him and want to be with him - I can't stand in his way this time. He needs to sort himself out first and because I don't cry as much, I don't know if it's because I still have a bit of hope that he's going to get better or that I'm finally accepting it? There is such a fine line there for me and I'm finding it hard to distinguish which one it is. Maybe it is both and like you said, I think it is harder to let go and accept this time around because last time it happened, I NEVER thought he would come back but he did and a part of me thinks he will again. I still hope that he loves me enough to want to get help and later down the track contact me again... SIGH.....

 

However to contradict myself, a part of me also thinks this is it. He's never coming back because even though I know he loves me, he doesn't want to put me through the pain of it all again - everyone told him not to contact me last time but after a month and a half of NC, he wrote me an email because he said he missed me so much and now I'm convinced it's going to be longer before I even hear from him because I suspect now he'll actually be listening to people's advice not to contact me.

 

When is enough enough? I dunno Lauren... Sometimes I think this time is the last time. I can't go through it all again because it hurts so much to give your all to someone and for them not to give it all back to you, and then sometimes I think I love him this much that I am willing to be there for him while he gets the help. Despite thinking all this, at the end of the day, he chose to let me go and chose everything else over me. So I'm not going to sit here and try to convince him to still be with me and fawn over him like I did last time - I realize now that if he wants the space and time, I can't do anything but give him that.

 

I hope we can support each other through our second heartbreak

[Marton04]

My ex cannot let go. He has quite literally contacted me more in the last couple weeks than in the past year combined. Although I do not want to GBT. So behavior is never predictable - people all respond differently.

 

Hi Cotuner,

 

I remember you posting to my past threads back in the days of my first break up

 

Anyway, is your ex the dumpee or are you? And what's GBT?

[Lauren.xo]

Your doing the right thing. I mean, what I think about is... Is love really enough. I know I love my ex, but he can't give me it fully back. I am sick of heart ache... I don't want to go through this feeling again. I mean they already feel we will always be there, so how do they really learn? With it being the second time there comes so many questions. I put A LOT of time and energy into my ex. In my thoughts and my mind, he was the last guy for me... So rebuilding my thought process is a struggle every day. My friend once told me a quote. It makes me very sad but I believe it to have truth. "a man will not change for you unless you walk out, and he will only change for the next girl, not you because you truly need to be gone for him to change"

[Marton04]

I used to think love was enough but now I'm not so sure anymore. We give everything to our exes but it's not even enough for them - they want more. More of what? I dunno.... I was going to marry my ex also and I thought he was "the one" and now I have to think of myself as being "single" - it is such a hard thing to come to terms with. Will they ever learn? Who knows? However what I have learnt is that you can't force them to want to be better - they need to want it for themselves. Right now they are probably having a great time having no responsibilities but after the novelty of it dies down, that's when they will open their eyes. I believe the quote that your friend told you is sort of true.. I don't think they will change if you are constantly in the picture - so remove yourself totally. Cut off all contact, let them lead the life they think they want to lead and then take it from there. Try not to predict what's going to happen in the future.. noone can know until it happens.

[Effervescent]

I don't believe that love is enough anymore. My ex told me that he loved me and he said he knew that he could and would be happy with me for the rest of our lives. He said that he didn't think he could love anyone as much as he loved me. However, he said that wasn't enough for him. He said he wanted his ideal girl and I just didn't fit the mould 100%. He said he wanted to keep looking until he found a girl that fit his ideal 100%.

[Marton04]

I don't believe that love is enough anymore. My ex told me that he loved me and he said he knew that he could and would be happy with me for the rest of our lives. He said that he didn't think he could love anyone as much as he loved me. However, he said that wasn't enough for him. He said he wanted his ideal girl and I just didn't fit the mould 100%. He said he wanted to keep looking until he found a girl that fit his ideal 100%.

 

I feel for you too Effervescent - mine said exactly the same thing. Wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives, loved me to death but now has said he wants a girl who's able to go out with him till 3-4 in the morning drinking - like that's really important to him. I said he should have stayed with his ex if he wanted a girl like that! I just think his priorities are all screwed up right now. I don't believe love is enough now. I just think you need to have the same personalities and lifestyle because I was more a homebody and he liked to go out all the time. I don't mind going out but I can't do it every week. And esp. if we were suppose to be saving for a house which of course isn't happening now but there comes a point where you actually want to grow up and be more responsible. It's just he didn't want that responsibility and commitment now.

 

Your ex is never going to find a girl to fit his ideal 100% - there isn't a perfect match for anyone out there. It's just whether or not you are both willing to make it work if you have things going against the relationship - I did, my ex didn't.

[Lauren.xo]

Your last post really hit home for me. You are very right about allowing them to live this "free" life that they want to live. That is what my ex wants, he wants "0 responsibility with no one to think about or to worry about talking too"... The only reason I haven't been strong to let him have it, is because I no if he messes up with other girls, I can't forgive. I just have to remind myself that he will do what he wants, me being in the picture doesn't change anything but only makes him comfortable. Besides, for me I am at my end. I am done with this guy. I still struggle though! Good luck. You sound like your on a great path.

[Lauren.xo]

I don't believe that love is enough anymore. My ex told me that he loved me and he said he knew that he could and would be happy with me for the rest of our lives. He said that he didn't think he could love anyone as much as he loved me. However, he said that wasn't enough for him. He said he wanted his ideal girl and I just didn't fit the mould 100%. He said he wanted to keep looking until he found a girl that fit his ideal 100%.

 

That is classic. That is what my ex makes me feel like. That there will always be some girl who can be "prettier" then me, or "closer" to where he lives. Its BS. They won't find their 100% ideal girl. Its a cheap way to leave, just like my ex.

[Marton04]

Your last post really hit home for me. You are very right about allowing them to live this "free" life that they want to live. That is what my ex wants, he wants "0 responsibility with no one to think about or to worry about talking too"... The only reason I haven't been strong to let him have it, is because I no if he messes up with other girls, I can't forgive. I just have to remind myself that he will do what he wants, me being in the picture doesn't change anything but only makes him comfortable. Besides, for me I am at my end. I am done with this guy. I still struggle though! Good luck. You sound like your on a great path.

 

I'm glad my words helped you a bit.... trust me I struggle with it everyday but I'm choosing to not allow it to affect me as much. Last time it happened, I was so overwhelmed by the heartache that I had an anxiety attack and couldn't cope at all.

Our exes want to have no responsibilities at all, they want to answer to noone, they want a "carefree" lifestyle and as much as that hurts us, we can't stop them from doing this. Let them do it, let them feel like crap the next day when they're hungover and regretting it. My ex kissed another girl during our last break. Here I was crying over him and he went to a bar and kissed another girl...I only found this out when he broke up with me 2 weeks ago!!

 

Anyway, they will do what they like at this moment in time, we can't stop them and for us to still be there for them while they do this - they're only taking advantage of our love and it makes us look weak. So remove yourself from the picture and move on with life. Take each day as it comes as I do - we'll struggle together. If you ever wanna talk more, you can always PM me

[Lauren.xo]

Ah, so similar! My ex also kissed a girl when I was sitting at home, crying thinking of every way to get back together. Really disgusts me. I am and will let him live the lifestyle he so badly wants. I will not be his comfort blanket through his hangovers as I try to win him back. Nope. We are in the same boat! Thanks, I def will PM you! If you want to PM me anytime, feel free! We can do this! And do it with respect for ourselves the SECOND time .

[Coyote9]

Living on false hope can prove more painful in the future.

 

Boy...that's the understatement of the year..excellent point littlestar...I think during a breakup, our brain chemistry gets completely changed and that false hope is very much like a brain twitch...I'm still fighting it a month out of my breakup, and I think in some ways, it intensifies for a time as we do NC and really go through withdrawl from out ex and our situation...the sooner we can move away from thinking about them or getting any information even about them, the sooner we can heal. Contact, even indirectly, can fan those flames of hope and simply continue to burn us...

[Marton04]

Tell me about it Coyote - I just saw the ex's sister tonight for dinner and no fault of hers as she casually mentioned things in the conversation that I didn't know about but I feel like it's put me back to square one all over again. For about 2 weeks, I didn't allow myself to cry as much and continued to just move on with life. However hearing these things tonight as devastated me and has made me lose all hope actually..

[Lauren.xo]

Just remember, why wouldn't they be living this great life right now.. It is what they wanted. I am sure it will quickly not be as good as they thought soooooon enough.

[Marton04]

Just remember, why wouldn't they be living this great life right now.. It is what they wanted. I am sure it will quickly not be as good as they thought soooooon enough.

 

Do you think Lauren? Right now, I'm sceptical about all of that now... I just think he'll be loving his new life for a long time to come... I have absolutely no hope at all anymore.. that's probably a good thing right now isn't it?

[orchidbloom]

If he's happy or not, it doesn't matter anymore. My ex found someone within a week too, maybe not as hard as being on a break and kissing someone. Still I find that I keep reminding myself that his happiness is no longer my responsibility or my concern. MINE is.

 

It sucks though. I have a hard time believing it.

[Marton04]

If he's happy or not, it doesn't matter anymore. My ex found someone within a week too, maybe not as hard as being on a break and kissing someone. Still I find that I keep reminding myself that his happiness is no longer my responsibility or my concern. MINE is.

 

It sucks though. I have a hard time believing it.

 

It's funny how easy it is to say these things but when it actually comes down to believing it yourself and to carry out these actions, it's much harder. I try to remind myself that I don't care, that he's no longer my problem - somedays are better than others though

[Effervescent]

I think my ex is enjoying his life right now, or at least he think he is. I'm sure everything appears to be perfect for him, because he thinks this is what he wants. What keeps me comforted is the fact that myself and EVERYONE around him (except for his cult members) knows that he is making a mistake and they know he will regret it, when he snaps out of it. The only thing that makes me sad from time to time is the fact that he might rot away in this cult for the rest of his life and never realize it.