Problems with my boyfriend? Or is it just me...

[skittlesfae]

Okay so this might end up a little long, as I've been feeling there have been problems for a few months now...

 

First off, starting with before the problems. When we first started dating, and shortly before also, we'd talk for a few hours a day. Then after a bit, it tapered to an hour a couple times a day. After maybe 2 or 3 months it was down to an hour with mostly silence. Now... I barely get to talk to him for 20 minutes a day if I am lucky. The past two days, I didn't get to talk to him until late at night and only for maybe 20 minutes with mostly silences. And, not to mention, he was talking to people in Xbox Live while on the phone with me! We don't talk about anything anymore, not how our days went, what we did... Anything. Doesn't seem to matter if I try to initiate a conversation or not, we still don't actually TALK.

 

He won't tell me how his day went, won't tell me a single thing about his day, until I ask him a couple times. I am afraid he'll get upset about me asking more than once, almost like I am being nosy or nagging... But he's said that is what he wants, that when he says stuff like it's none of my business, or nothing, or whatever, that he is joking and that I don't ask him questions after so he doesn't tell me still.

 

Another thing he used to do was call me the minute he got in the door, and when he couldn't I'd worry but I'd wait. And when he was able to call, he'd give an explanation. And it'd usually only be after maybe 30 minutes, anyway.

 

But.... lately he hasn't been. At, say, 10 at night, he'll call and I'll ask when he got home, he'd give a time like 9ish or earlier... I'd ask why he didn't call to let me know he was home and he'd just say "I'm sorry" or "I don't know". Like today, he texted me two hours ago saying he was off work.. It takes an hour to get home, he rides with his sister, he knows I know how long it takes........ Yet, he still hasn't called, or even texted, saying he's home. So I decided to look up his GamerCard on Xbox, and he is on playing a game! Oh and by the way, I looked an hour ago... Just checked again, still on. So I am just like, wth is going on...

 

If I hadn't thought to look at the stupid xbox website, I would be sitting here wondering where he was, if he was okay, if he got in a wreck, what was going on........ Like usual.... But now I am sitting here wondering, will he let me know he's home, or will it be ten at night again before I even get a call???

 

Okay, think I'll stop here. Any more elaboration needed, just ask...

 

[edit]:

Okay... Not quite done. I'm wondering if this is me just being too clingy or expecting too much? I don't feel it is, because he has not once asked me to give him space, or asked to not talk for a while or anything... Yet he's basically doing exactly that, not calling me when he says he will and not calling me the entire day, when I KNOW he playing his Xbox or talking to other people (friends) which I don't care if he does that but it'd be nice if I knew he was so I wasn't wondering if I would get to talk to him or not. If he acted this way the entire time we've been together [5 months btw] it wouldn't be such a big deal... But this is new, actually ever since he got an xbox live subscription and a bunch of new games. I thought it was because of his schoolings, as he was in school every week night, and I work every week day. But he's been out of classes for about two weeks now...

 

I'm wondering if I should text him asking why I haven't heard from him yet, that I figure he shoudl be home by now...... Or just let it be and wait? I'd call but............... chances are he'll either ignore me or cut the phone off. Which, he did yesterday. He says it was because I got an attitude that morning, and he decided he wasn't going to call me because of it. But.... he was playing Xbox during that time. Was he playing Xbox because he decided not to call me, or had he decided not to call because he was busy with the Xbox andjust used me having an attitude as an excuse is what I am wondering....

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[_Asti_]

Have you communicated these issues to him?

Does he know these are problems for you?

Thats the first step to working through an issue and coming to an agreement or compromise.

[Scooby Girl]

I think this is his way of saying: back off, I need space, you're being overbearing, leave me alone, you're too available for me and the like.

 

I don't think it'd be too hard to say that I think he's loosing interest.

 

I don't think he knows how to tell you how he's feeling so he goes about it in this way. Sort of just ignoring you.

 

You can either back off, and give him space, let him miss you a little or you can continue until it blows up in your face.

[skittlesfae]

Have you communicated these issues to him?

Does he know these are problems for you?

Thats the first step to working through an issue and coming to an agreement or compromise.

Well that's the problem..... I prefer to communicate in person but I only see him once a week mostly... and on his terms...

 

I'm trying to figure out how to go about talking to him about it. I've mentioned a few times that I like to know if he is home, otherwise I wonder if he is okay or not (we've almost got in a wreck five times riding with someone in the past 5 months... And I alone almost got in a wreck 4 times riding with someone... And my family have almost been involved in a wreck several times the past 5 months. People around here drive VERY recklessly, so I worry..... Especially since he rides from work an hour away from here, yknow?)

 

Anyway... I did tell him last night that I felt like he didn't want to talk to me because he waited til around 10:30 to call, and said he was going to bed. He said he did want to talk but I had an attitude that morning so he decided not to call. Then, I mentioned the other day with him not calling me at all when I called him at 12 and he was sleeping (he called back at 3am for 5 minutes because he had woken up...) And I said that I understand if he was upset that I had an attitude yesterday, but he had said he'd call the other day but didn't until 3am, so I just felt like he didn't want to talk...

 

I'm trying to decide whether to back off (MORE) or to try to talk to him. I am tired of having to wait until HE is ready to talk.... Why should it only be when HE wants to talk?? He could at least answer my calls and say I'm busy call you later. especially considering I only will call that once, knowing any more would bother him... It's not like with his ex where she'd call about 10 times, AFTER him saying he'd call her back and she'd call like ten minutes before the time he said he'd call her by........ I only call after it's been like, an hour minimum, sometimes 3 or more hours depending on the time....... I just don't understand sometimes.....

[skittlesfae]

I think this is his way of saying: back off, I need space, you're being overbearing, leave me alone, you're too available for me and the like.

 

I don't think it'd be too hard to say that I think he's loosing interest.

 

I don't think he knows how to tell you how he's feeling so he goes about it in this way. Sort of just ignoring you.

 

You can either back off, and give him space, let him miss you a little or you can continue until it blows up in your face.

 

 

Sort of addressed a bit of this in my reply to the other poster....

But, I'll add a bit more....

 

I am and have been backing off, trying to give him as much space as it seems he might need..... But it's not doing anything. It's just making him call less and try to see me less. Which, I guess if that's what happens then I'll have to accept it or try to change it or just move on.... I don't know I'll see I suppose... But I haven't called him yet, it's been almost two hours since he should have been home (since he HAS been home...)... And I'm glad I know he's on his xbox or i'd be worried something happened to him....... I was considering texting him asking why i haven't heard from him yet, that i figured i would have two hours ago..... but that's just stupid because i know he's on his game and he'll either ignore it or decide to wait even longer to call because of it or whatever...

 

So, I'm just going to wait and see if he's going to call or not, maybe wait til 8 or something, then I'll call or text him asking whats up...

 

I'm just wondering if maybe this is him deciding not to call me until I try to communicate with him to see whats going on... Ya know? Because it's something he will do.... sort of test me I guess I don't know.

[_Asti_]

I would ask him what he is comforable with.

What is his ideal relationship communication. What for him is normal in a relationship.

Then lay it out of what your expectations/wants are.

 

Maybe the two of you have completely different expectations and wants, and thats what it seems like.

 

And if thats the case, there will need to be compromise, or acceptance if you wish to remain.

I hate the phone, but have no problems making acceptions for my parnter, never have. I enjoy speaking to him. And he knows my limitations and my dislikes about it, and appreciates my efforts, and understands when I'm just not in the mood.

Its a compromise, something we do for the sake of the relationship.

 

If there's a conflict here in your wants and expectations, there needs to be a compromise for the two of you, or settling for this from him...and I don't think you should.

[Scooby Girl]

Well it certainly just seems like you care a great deal about him and your relationship and he couldn't care less.

 

You're doing all the work he's doing none. You're trying to make him love you, and get him to make you a priority but he doesn't want to.

 

I hate to tell ya but I think the end is near.

[rocio]

I find that the less talking you do, the more talking they do.

[_Asti_]

I find that the less talking you do, the more talking they do.

 

Or...they just don't care enough to make the effort to 'pick up the slack' so to speak.

I'm not for games..or whatever...but if one isn't being involved...stepping back and see if they step up. See how much they care.

[rocio]

it's not about playing games. men and women are just different. we tend to talk a lot and dominate the conversation, which can lead to men withdrawing either because they just don't find all your topics interesting, or because they feel overwhelmed.

 

Become comfortable with a little bit of silence and independence, and you'll find the man will come looking for conversation. They love to talk too, believe it or not.

[skittlesfae]

Well it certainly just seems like you care a great deal about him and your relationship and he couldn't care less.

 

You're doing all the work he's doing none. You're trying to make him love you, and get him to make you a priority but he doesn't want to.

 

I hate to tell ya but I think the end is near.

 

That's what I am worried about... I'm trying to not worry so much about it, and just go with the flow and see where it takes me/us, but I don't know. It's hard

 

He told me the other day that he thinks I deserve better. I asked better than what, and his response was better than him. Which is what I figured he meant. I told him, no, repeated it every time he said that I do. And I said that if he feels I deserve better THAN him, maybe the issue is that I deserve better FROM him. And he said that he'd try/is trying. And..... since then, it's gotten worse. So now I'm thinking, was all that just bs, manipulation, playing games and all? Or is he just freezing up, thinking he's not going to be able to do for me what he feels he needs to?

I told him that it worried me that he said that, and he seemed to know what worried me about it because he said "I'm not going to leave you, I just think you deserve better. And I don't want you to leave me...." Ughh I feel like he just doesn't care though. I'm wanting to contact him right now so bad, but it's worthless to do so especially knowing he's busy in a game.... I hate being so torn.

[skittlesfae]

I find that the less talking you do, the more talking they do.

That's exactly the problem though.... I am not one for talking to begin with, I am perfectly comfortable with a little silence during a phone call when it's someone that I care about and am comfortable with the way I am him. But a little info I didn't mention earlier was, one time we were on the phone for maybe 2 and a half hours (say a few days to a week ago). Awesome right? Well it would be, if two of those hours weren't him in an Xbox live party (where a bunch of people are in a room on mic).... which btw I know because i heard him talking to them, not becaues I was looking on his profile thing...

[_Asti_]

Does he want to be a better boyfriend?

Sounds like he's rather addicted to his gaming, no offence.

He places video games higher than his relationship.

 

If he isn't going to step up, and be a good boyfriend, then cut the ties. Nothing is going to change.

He's acknowledged he's a crappy boyfriend, but does nothing to change it.

He has to want to change, and does his behavior reflect it? No.

 

Talk to him again.

Are there things you want to be different? Maybe voice those things, and see what he does.

Anyone who gives a crap and wants a relationship to work, will make the effort and make it work.

It just seems like he doesn't care and would rather be playing games. At this rate, he WILL lose you, and he seems ok with that. He knows he treats you poorly, and you remain, so to him..its almost saying like its ok. Nothing has changed, he still behaves poorly, and you take it.

 

He needs to work at this just like you are.

Until then, its a one sided relationship...and no one wants to be in a one sided realtionship. Its only just a matter of time before you realize that you do desreve better, whether from him or in a relationship in general and move on.

 

He just can't seem to balance video games and a relationship, and thats pretty sad, no offence!

[skittlesfae]

Does he want to be a better boyfriend?

Sounds like he's rather addicted to his gaming, no offence.

He places video games higher than his relationship.

*snip*

He just can't seem to balance video games and a relationship, and thats pretty sad, no offence!

 

 

None taken. Because that is what I feel. Know how long he's been playing Call of Duty 4? Almost 3 hours. Yesterday, same. He just got Xbox Gold a few days ago (which i found out from his myspace status and his xbox motto thing... didn't even say, HEY BABY guess what I have Gold now, isn't that great?? lol) I just sent him a text saying "home yet?" okay........... granted a bit dishonest on my part, obviously I know he is. But I didn't know what else to say.

 

He'll be on his game, I'll ask what is he doin, he'll say nothing. Or he'll say can I call you back, I'll say okay, then I ask what he had to do he'll say nothin or whats it to you (seems joking but, you know how that goes). [[edit: the following happened last night btw...-->]]Although, he did call back after maybe 30 minutes, which for him is a first in a while, and when I asked what he had to do he first said what, then i repeated and he then said 'I had to take a shower'. Then I said "without me? awww" and his response being (also joking) 'you'll get over it'. Sooo it was a bit of a step up yesterday. But not much. I'll see, I suppose, right?

 

But yes. He is obviously addicted to his games... -_- argh.

 

[[Oooh and as a side note: I feel honored... The game he's been playing for the past 3 hours is the one I bought for him maybe a month ago! Heh heh. Oh and it's the only game he's played the past day or two it seems. Amusing, somewhat.]]

[_Asti_]

I'd be returning the damn game! Not feel honored.

Maybe pick your gifts wisely next time

[skittlesfae]

I'd be returning the damn game! Not feel honored.

Maybe pick your gifts wisely next time

 

 

haha. Yeah. That was sarcasm by the way.

And... I don't have the receipt anymore. D'oh!

Oh and it was sarcastic feelings of honor... Though I am glad he is at least making use of it I suppose.......

I'm actually kind of pissed that a game that I bought him would replace me though. Kinda ironic, really.

 

Game was like $60, I spent a week debating over getting it, then in a spur of the moment I was like IMA GET IT! And then I debated over returning it for a day or two, then in a spur of a giving moment was like, nahhh I'll give it to him. He acted all like he didn't want me to because it was too much, and that I could return it if I wanted to, and he kinda acted mad because he felt bad. Hm. If things head down hill, think I should ask for it back and sell it used at GameStop or something? Or just consider it a loss? Since it was just because, not for like a birthday or event or holiday or anything...

[skittlesfae]

Update: He is now currently playing Fable 2, a game he bought maybe 2 or 3 months ago.. Which is about how long we've been having issues. Which further leads me to believe he has a game addiction and places his Xbox over me......

 

[[edit: not to mention not responding to my text asking if he was home.... 30 minutes after sending it... o.O ]]

 

[pheebs]

if you feel you can't speak to him about this right now, i would 'disapear' for a few days. Stay busy, dont contact him, dont call him, dont ask where he has been or what he's been up to. Be really busy with your own life.

 

My guy that im seeing, we started out the same as you, chatting for hours upon hours at the start, then its dwindled down, to maybe an hour a week and see each other for 3-5 hours usually. Ive done the waiting around etc so now i try to stay busy. Some days there is just nothing, and then he usually gets in touch. it sucks, but with him too, its on his terms.

 

ive heard people say guys dont like a girl too be too available and im finding it to be rather true. They want to chase you a bit, as silly as it seems.

 

Try to let him wonder about you. Wonder what your up to and allow him to contact you instead of the other way.

 

If he doesn't, at all, at least you know where you stand, and whether this relationship will work or not.

[skittlesfae]

That's actually not a bad idea. I waited til 8 to text to 'see' if he was home, no answer. Waited a half hour then called his cell and he didn't answer. I left a message saying to call when he could but SOON please because i figured id hear from him. A minute later he replied to my text just saying 'yeah' and i bet he never checked my voicemail..... That was all two hours ago. So. Now I am going to bed, as I have to be up at 5am. I'll see if and what time he finally finds me important enough to call. And consider not answering. Since he can't answer my calls anytime I try to call...

[_Asti_]

Does he do any work?

Or is you the one who's always calling and checking in?

What if you didn't, what would happen?

 

Sometimes people don't appreciate what they have till its gone..and he seems like the type who is content to play video games till the cows come home, because he knows his girl is patiently waiting at her home, phoning him and trying to get in contact, and he knows that whenever HE feels like it, you will be there. He can play his games hour after hour, because you are waiting for him..so when he's ready to put the ccontroller down, he can call you when he pleases. Thats not right.

 

I'd reverse it.

 

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Don't be so avialable, make him call, make him make plans. And then see what he's made of and how committed he is to this relationship and how much he cares. Have you given him a chance to be a better boyfriend? Have you backed off and let him do the work for a bit? Leave him be, and let his actions talk...because right now..his words mean nothing..actions speak louder than words.

[skittlesfae]

Yeah... That's what I have been doing but I end up calling by the end of the day only to be ignored then called after I should be sleeping. And I always answer. I think tonight I might just go to sleep, see if he gets pissy about me not answering. He might. And if he does I'll calmly explain I was sleeping. and mention that I tried to call earlier but he didnt pick up. Hmm, actually, if I'm awake I will answer but tell him I'm going to bed. Two wrongs wouldn't make a right after all. But I do plan on just hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend tomorrow though. Then school Wednesday, and if we get out early hang out with a friend that i work with that is in the class with me... So I am a bit busy anyway, rather than having to find stuff to be busy with.

[pheebs]

Yep unfortunately sometimes you have to play games with them. Speaking to them about it can make them feel like your nagging or pressuring or controlling which it isn't.

 

If you send a text and he doesn't reply. Dont call. if he eventually replies with just something pathetic as 'yeah' do not respond. or call. Let him wonder.

 

Try it for a week. Make no attempt to contact. If he calls you - dont answer. Send him a text saying you were in class, or you forgot your phone. He is doing this to you, give him his own medicine.

 

Sometimes they need to think they are 'loosing you' to realise. By this you should see if its gonna work. If he doens't try to get in touch, definatly bring it up - he doesn't seem to be doing any work in this relationship. its all you.

 

This might be too much, but i know with some phones you can only allow certain numbers to call you - every other number will be directed to voicemail. He'll jsut asume your on the phone or its off.

[Scooby Girl]

This guy is useless. Sounds just like my ex. He knows you're not happy tells you he'll change will do one nice thing for you and think that counts, than back to the games... repeat as necessary. Nothing will ever change. He won't know what he had until he loses it (for good).

[skittlesfae]

This guy is useless. Sounds just like my ex. He knows you're not happy tells you he'll change will do one nice thing for you and think that counts, than back to the games... repeat as necessary. Nothing will ever change. He won't know what he had until he loses it (for good).

 

Yea... Worst part is, he has changed... From being and doing exactly what I could want, to this..... When we were friends I saw everything I look for hn friends... And to be a potential boyfriend, you have to be a potential friend for me. And he was... Entirely. And he was an amazing boyfriend the first few months. The thing is, he is treating me this way when as far as I know, he never did to his past girlfriends. Things were reversed. He got cheated on multiple times by his last ex. His other one, she constantly belittled him, made him feel worthless and like he was a bad boyfriend, never wanted him to call wouldn't call him til late in the night. Put herself top priority, told him that his feelings didn't matter and that his purpose was to be there when she wanted him there.... that he shouldn't and couldn't cry...... And he doesnt seem to realize he is being just like her. Or he doesn't care...... I don't know. I think the problem is that he is used to being treated like crap and he isn't so he's filling the role thats missing compared to his past relationships..,... I just think what's the worst part of this all is I know he can treat me the way I need to be, because I've seen it... That's what sucks.

[Dancergirl425]

I'm having similar problems and I've been wondering the same thing, but I talked to him about it and he told me he was getting worried about the summer and being far apart, etc. So we will talk about it in person next time we see each other, but I know how frustrating it is because he went from texting me every five minutes to like once a day and it was driving me nuts. He also did the same thing of saying he would call, but then not calling. I think that you should talk to him, but realize that guys are not everything in your life. They're only a puzzle piece and if he doesn't want to part of that bigger puzzle anymore than he doesn't deserve you and you should move on to someone who will give you the attention you need. I've been slowly realizing this myself. But ya the first step would be talking it out.