I feel so alone...I don't even know what to ask you guys

[ophelan]

I don't even know what to ask you guys. I can't focus on work, or school, or anything right now. I don't know what the guys I just had a business meeting with must have thought; I must have looked awful. I feel so alone. I can't talk to my best friend; she is my best friend. I feel so helpless. I can't help but wonder what is going through her mind. It just doesn't make any sense. She doesn't blame me at all, but I could have done so much to make the relationship better. I don't know what to ask, so I'll just ask for comments.

 

Her email:

[Beec]

First question to ask yourself, is what do you want?? Answer that and you can being to ask more questions.

[ophelan]

I can see myself marrying this woman. I know how much I love her, and I know how much she loves me. And she knows these same things. I'm willing to do whatever it takes for there to be a happy ending. I just feel helpless, like there is nothing I can do.

 

This is legitimately affecting my ability to function. My work is suffering, and if I don't do something differently I'm going to end up failing a class. I don't recall anything ever depressing me this much. I am always in control of my life to some extent. I don't feel like I can influence the outcome of this right now.

[Beec]

What to is to try to win her back, by seducing her into the idea that she wants you and no one else. This is a long process and involves you rejecting your own ego and needs in the short term and trying to fulfill her, then otherwise manipulate her emotions. It's not an easy thing to do. Read my posts, I talk about it a lot. THen ask some questions.

[ophelan]

Thanks Beec, I'll do some reading of your previous posts. I'm doing a lot better today; I was really emotional last night. From what I'm seeing, I'm going to have to avoid getting emotional, or at least not let her see it. Based upon what she has said thus far, does it seem like no-contact is the way to go? Unless she is completely lying, I think she really does mean for this to simply be a phase, where she sorts things out herself, and would like our relationship to thrive afterwards. This is based on things she said Saturday, as well as a conversation one night this week, where I asked and she told me she was 99% certain she wanted to be with me. The two Saturday emails, for reference:

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again; I'll spend some time reading more of your posts later today, and hopefully plan for the long road ahead of me.

[woobiegirl]

Sorry to hear what you're going through, the days seem endless, I know. I researched back to your original post to get the full picture. A long shot here, but...could the on/off relationsh be mostly related to her occasional depressions, it seems to be taking a toll on both of you?

 

People who have bouts of depression aren't necessarily thinking rationally. During this time it's hard enough to keep yourself going on a daily basis without the pressure of feeling that you have to please others. Even if you give her all your energy, love and support...she will still not make her decisions based on being herself and in confidence. Basically, you become confused and don't know what the best route is anymore, and it's easier to be by yourself....less pressure and explaining.

 

Has she talked with a doctor to see if a perscription can regulate her mood swings? Only then can you give your relationship a fair evaluation of whether you both need some time apart. You mentioned that you yourself had thoughts of breaking up...which was probably due to her not feeling like herself, which definitley will put a strain on any relationship. Sounds like the two of you still have allot of potential and remember....it's NOT greener on the other side, so if you truly have something special, don't let it slip out of your hands.

 

Good luck

Woobiegirl

 

[ophelan]

I don't think the on/off over the past month is directly tied to her depressions. Her depressions tend to be on a long cycle (i.e. month or more) when switching from depressed to not and so on. She probably does need to see her doctor about a perscription again, but I don't think this is directly tied to the most recent events.

 

I have pondered the ever present "is the grass greener?" question over the past year, as this has been my first serious relationship. I've wondered if I would be happy being single again, and being able to date however many women I want to. And now that I don't have it, I realize how much more awesome our relationship has been than I thought it was. It sucks that sometimes you have to lose something to truly realize its value. I'm truly glad we've taken this time apart, as it has shown me things that I didn't realize. I think our relationship now has the potential to be much stronger than it was before, if we actually have one again. And from reading what everyone else has to say on dating and relationships, it does seem we have something very special and rare. I would be a fool to not try to get her back, and if I do I would be honored to be her best friend, lover, and eventually husband for the rest of my life.

 

Now if only she was posting questions here and had you guys telling her that the grass isn't greener...

[Out to sea]

Hi Ophelan, sorry to hear your trauma, and trauma it is in this situatuion.

I sounds like she has put serious thought into this decision, that it didn't come lightly, for that reason you can probably be sure that it is going to take some time if you guys are to get back together. I know that you look at the relationship from this perspective and think just how awsome it was, but remember that from this perspective your mind will put her and the relationship on a pedistal, cause you always want what you feel you cannot now have. This perspective is in the extreme and it causes us to ' feel' the need so much more. I'm not saying you don't love and miss this girl, but with a bit of time this feeling of absolute horror will fade back to reality. So hang in there mate, it will improve.

 

Second thing, time is on your side, if you try to accept a few possible facts. One, this whole thing is going to take time, she really wants to have you as a friend as you are her best friend. This is near impossible to do for the next while cause it hurts to darn much. I think you need to explain this to her and then get away for some No Contact time. This is, no matter what you feel now the single easiest way to deal with the pain you feel right now. Also, these next couple of weeks are going to be the most deadly to any kind of relationship in the future, if you stay around you more than likely will cause massive damage to your cause. Why... cause you are in hell and it's better if you don't let her see that, one day crying, the next day pleading, the next angry, All these emotions on your part are going to drain her even more than she is and that ain't good.

 

Also, time apart will give her some space, to think about things, to Miss you to put things into perspective for her too.

 

My advice isn't contrary to what BEEC said about getting her back, but for a while at least, get outta there man, regroup, and start getting your head and heart back on track. If you guy's are to get back together, you will need to be able for that, so bite the bullet now.

 

There is one more bit i think i should tell you , that you need to be preparing for... I'm sorry to tell you this, but you need to accept that it may happen, even if she does love you completely............ other guys. I read what she said, but I have to say that you need to start getting your head around the fact that she may well go out and be with other people. You guy's are young, she is in turmoil, she may well love you but bottom dollar, she may well be wondering about that grass over there and it doesn't matter one bit how many people tell her it ain't, she will have to find that out for herself. I have seenhappened time and time again. I know you see it as an awful part of all this, but to be honest it y be

necessary, cause if she doesn't find out she will always wonder.

 

I know this makes for depressing reading but we all learn the lesson's after the test, just trying to give some advice.

[Carla]

well basically my ex said the same to me: I love you ut I want qpace, I need to be alone and work myself out , we may get together again in the future but I'm not ssure and I think you should move on but I may call you back sme day. I know how you must feel! Knowing that there is still love and hope you cannot move on but you should...it is important that you respect the no contact rule and try and move on...when you feel better (in about 6 months ) you can call her and be friends but for now it's better if you convince yourself that it is over for good.

 

Read the "no contact " post, that should help, it helped me a little and believe me I'm a total wreck at the moment.

[Crushed]

I truly feel your pain. You MUST give her the one month if you have any hope at all Read what she said, she was feeling smothered. She needs space. But one thing I have to warn you is that even if you were able to get back together it doesen't mean it will work I speak from experience. I was here about a year ago to the date and now I'm here again. Her words were almost exactly the same as your woman's. Mine said things like in two years you never did anything wrong or mean. You were only wonderfull to me. I know I'll probably never find someone who treats me so well. Her friends told her this too. So try and separate yourself from this. And wait for her to contact you. No e-mail no txt msgs. She will miss you and contact you. Let her do the chasing.