Money problems.. needs advice!!

[Jennaviani]

I guess I'll start from the beginning. David and I have been dating for the past year and a half off and on. Well recently, we bought a house together. We have a 4 month old son together. Currently he is the only one working. We decided it would be best for me to stay home and take care of the baby. With the economy the way it is, we can't afford daycare.

 

Now the problem is, since he is the only one working he thinks all of the money he brings in is his. He has the nerve to say I don't contribute anything to the house so I have no say on where the money goes and how he spends it. No, I don't bring any money in but I do cook, clean, raise our son, by myself I might add. To me, that is something a lot better than bringing a paycheck.

 

All of our bills always get paid on time, but it's the money that is left over. Money keeps disappearing right after he gets paid and he swears up and down he didn't spend it. He has the car all day long and doesn't get home until 3-4 hours after he gets off.. I know what you are thinking, cheating but I know he isn't. But anyway, he gets paid every 2 weeks on Tuesday, well by Thursday, he is broke. I have tried to get him to leave the money here so he doesn't spend it. He says he doesn't trust anyone with his money. Like I have told him before, we live out in the boonies, I'm not going to push a stroller ten miles to the mall.

 

Recently, he has been on this kick about lying to me about the money. A few weeks ago he let his family borrow some money and told me he didn't know where the money went. Then he finally came clean to me when I said I was moving out. This isn't the first time he has done it either. I have tried to explain to him that he has a family to take care of and he doesn't need to help out his parents anymore. We can hardly stand on our own two feet right now.

 

He just got paid this Tuesday and now $65 is unaccounted for. We are broke once again.

 

I'm at my wits end. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love him and don't want to leave, but I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where he thinks everything is his.

 

Someone please help and tell me what to do in this type of situation!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is it possible that he has an addiction (gambling, drugs etc) that he is feeding and that is where the money is going? At any rate, this is not a healthy situation for you and you are caught in a bind..dependent on someone you are not even married to so financial rights in the event of a split are not so clear cut. I would suggest that you start figuring a way to get yourself financially independent because if you don't this guy is going to drag you down financially and emotionally.

[Mutley]

I don't know.

 

Maybe he's buying dope?

 

Regaurdless, he's acting very irresponsibly. In more than one way.

 

I'll defer to others for advice.

[Duckie198100]

Tough spot. He is resentful of you for not making any money, and that's sad. You do so much for the house, him and your child, yet you don't contribute....

 

I'm not sure what advice I can give you. If he won't change his point of view on what you do for your family, you are bound for a hard relationship. He will constantly do this, resent you, hide money from you and the like.

 

Relationships such as yours are supposed to be 50/50. If you are taking care of the house and family that is YOUR job, you just don't get the benefit of being paid for it. His job is to take care of his family financially. I'm afraid if he doesn't change, you have to think about what's best for yourself.

[Jennaviani]

Back when we first starting dating, he was addicted to drugs. He has since then gotten off of them. Him not seeing his son for the first month of his life did wonders. So I don't think it is that. I think what it is, he is helping his family.

 

And with me, I have told him I wanted to get a job, at least part time. He said it's just best for me to stay at home. I couldn't get one even if I wanted to. He stays out at his parents house til 8, 9 at night.. with my car.

[Mutley]

sounds like to me he's back on them. If he's not coming home and blowing through the cash.

[Jennaviani]

He probably is. At this point, I wouldn't put anything past him.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck in a bind, with no money saved up. He is so stubborn, it's hard to communcate with him. The relationship feels more like 80/20.

 

I love him and want it to work, just don't know what do..

[Mutley]

Is it possible for you too move back in with your parents?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I agree with Mutley, if you can move back in with your parents that would be a good idea. Did you sink your own money into the house? Did you ever actually call his parents to see if he was really there? I suspect he is back on the drugs again.

[Jennaviani]

Yeah, but I would rather not. Too many problems there.

 

Is there anything I could possibly do to make him realize what he is doing?

Which I'm sure he already knows and just doesn't care.

[Mutley]

Not much.

 

Give him the ultimatum. If he doesn't start flying right....you gotta start making alternative plans. You can't live and raise a child with an addict running rampant.

[Jennaviani]

I know he is over there. I talk to his parents all of the time. They like me more than they like him.

 

And yeah, I put almost my entire tax return towards this house. So it's more mine then it is his. I just can't pay for it right now.

 

My mom has told me I need to stack my cards right. Go out, get a job then kick his butt to the curb. It's starting to sound like a good idea.

[Mutley]

Yes, start exploring your options.

 

Perhaps you can also figure out a way to keep the house.

 

I'm sure there is help for single mothers. Be sure to get child support from him as well.

[Alezia]

Is there a way for you to go back to school and get subsizided day care so that you can indeed afford day care and start getting some money in? (or do you already have some education?)

I find that this situation is making you very dependant on him; not that I'm saying that a stay at home mom does nothing but you end up "stuck".

[Jennaviani]

I always have my mom to watch the baby, but when you factor in her house is an hour away, it gets tough.

He is always home on the weekends, so I'm just going to go job hunting. The car is mine and in my name so he can't take it or stop me. I'll just start driving him to work, so I know I'll have the car.

 

Once I start getting money in and do the same thing to him, he might change.. Wishful thinking.

[25thfloor]

I know he is over there. I talk to his parents all of the time. They like me more than they like him.

 

And yeah, I put almost my entire tax return towards this house. So it's more mine then it is his. I just can't pay for it right now.

 

My mom has told me I need to stack my cards right. Go out, get a job then kick his butt to the curb. It's starting to sound like a good idea.

 

I like your mom. seriously, you need to do what is best for you and your child. get the child in daycare, go to work...and by God, get YOUR car back...he should understand that...remember...his money is his....so your car is yours.

[Papillion]

i think your dude is back on the gear hon.