I've got some demons in my closet...(please read)

[Dubi Doo]

And I've tried to hide them for far too long. I actually told my best friend about them a few days ago. I am writing this for your support. If people can relate to what I've been through, then that will help so much more.

 

I will just list them.

 

 

- Growing up I was placed in special education because I learned differently. I had nothing mentally wrong, but I learned through visuals better than through teachers speaking, so I had to be placed into a special class.

 

Now, you may wonder why this is a big deal, but it was to me. I eventually got into "Normal" classes by middle school, but I had to have test read to me for some really odd reason, so in the beginning of every year, a special teacher would stand up, name off 3-4 people from a 20 some odd class, and lead them out of the room...in front of everybody. Everyone knew who we were. We couldn't hide it. We were the "different" kids. I was picked on a lot, laughed at a lot, and never really the kid who fit in. I would just brush it off; writing music as a source to release my pain.

 

- I had ADD. I don't really think I have it now, but apparently I did. I was diagnosed around age 5, but took medication up until ag 16 ish. This killed any chance for me to be social. I would tell my doctor and my mom that the medication really effected me negatively, but what did I know? I was just a kid. I would tell them it killed my appetite, I mean, I never ate; I would tell them it made me a zombie and a anti-social individual; I would tell them that it made me tired and depressed, but no one listened.

 

I couldn't communicate with anyone at school; I had no drive to. I never at lunch; I would just save up my money and never spend it. I just felt numb to everything. Like anything people said ,or did, didn't effect me.

 

Atleast I could hide my ADD, which I couldn't do with my "Special Ed" disability.

 

- I was also, like, almost molested twice.

 

First time I was 13 and doing work for my school play. It was called the back stage program. So this senior, who is like 18, asks me to help him get some paint from the back room. It was dark and cold. I was all alone with this kid, and I always thought he was odd, but didn't really think much of it.

 

So we go to the back room and he starts to tell me how the highschool kids haze the younger, newer middle school kids. He tells me that they usually "pants" the kids. I laughed hesistantly because I thought it was weird. He then pulls down my pants and laughs and says "Yea, it's all in fun and games" (Something along those lines).

 

So, I am already feeling violated after that, but he doesn't stop. He then tells me another term, which I can't remember, and says it's when you pants someone from the front. And, of course, he grabs the front of my pants and pulls it down, I try to hold them up, but he forced them down to my thighs, and completely exposed my all of my stuff. He held my pants down for what seemed like forever, but was probably 5 or so seconds. His palm was also touching my stuff, and he didn't seemed phased by it. I then give him a look of a fear, like I was going to scream or something, but I wasn't, I was too shocked, scared, and numb to even think of it. He then let go and walked out like nothing happened. My mom was there when I came back from the back room. I just walked behind her and didn't say a word about it.

 

I mean, I was only 13, how can someone do that to a kid? It hurts so much to think about it. Why would he do that? I was just a kid. I shouldn't have to worry about that stuff; I shouldn't have to feel that pain. It also shattered my social life, even though, at that time, I really had none.

 

Time number 2: I was 14, now. It was at a christmas party with my Dad's family. My Uncle, whom I always thought was odd, started tickling me, but it wasn't right. He was like poking my nipples, smiling, and sweating. He then leans forward like he was trying to catch his balance, and puts his hand on my stuff, but he didn't back off. Normally if a guy touches a guys stuff he'll back off, no, not him, he had to make sure to move his hand around and leave it there for a good couple of seconds.

 

He laughed and felt. I couldn't believe it. What's worse of all? My whole family was in the room with me, but no one noticed. He did it so Nonchalant that no one knew he was touching my stuff. He then pushes up, but puts all his forced into the hand that is on my crotch. He looked like he had gotten off to that. He just smiled and laughed, then walked away.

 

Once again I was confused. I was blown away. For so long I tried to convince myself it was an accident, that I shouldn't worry about it, but I know damn well he molested me. It took me up till age 19 to admit that. I haven't told anybody but my best friend.

 

- I also have my best friend who cuts himself and has tried to committ suicide. I told him to promise me he wouldn't, but he only responded with "I can't promise that".

 

- Finally- I had thoughts of suicide as young as age 9. I wanted to kill myself if my mom ever died. I no longer have any thoughts of suicide, but I felt that way up until late highschool, not if my mother died, but because highschool was hell.

 

I don't know. May be I am overreacting. Perhaps a lot of kids go through this kind of stuff, but it really effected my emotional side. Although now, I have great friends; I do all the things a 20 year old does. I party, I am a musician, and a pretty damn good one, too; I've had girlfriends; I can spark up a convo with anybody; I am pretty well liked, but I still have these skeltons. I really have no idea how I switched my anti-social self around, but I found a way.

 

I just hope no one goes through what I had to as a kid. It made the first 18 years of my life unbearable.

[dreamwarrior]

Yes, you were violated, but hon it's not your fault...there are vultures everywhere trying to take advantage of young girls/boys. Just remember you are a good person and what they did was wrong and if you are feeling bad go see a college counselor or therapist...there are alot of free clinics to help people in your situation.

 

Live your life and try to move on. Cannot dwell on something that is over and done with...you have your whole life to live and why allow some pedophiles to ruin a whole lifetime of love and happiness...your worth so much...always value yourself.

 

best wishes to you !

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you ever talked to a counsellor or some kind of support group for those who have been molested as a child/teen? It might help to talk to someone qualified to help you come to terms with what happened. It is a horrible thing and you do not have to suffer in silence. There might even be some books you can read that will help you find ways to come to terms with it.

[doc wannabe]

My God, how could all of this happen to a child? I could almost cry thinking that what happened to you could and has happened to another child. And I want to say that I think you are really brave for confronting all of this. Because once you say it, or write it .... BOOM, it's there and you have to deal with it, you can't sweep it under the rug anymore. It takes true courage to be able to look this in the eye.

 

Given all of that, I think you've taken an important first step. You've realized that there are these things about you that you want to fix. Just saying all of that or writing it is a big step. Secondly, I think the idea of having a counselor is a good one. You've been picked on, you've been victimized, you've been singled out but you didn't do anything, you didn't do anything to deserve that. All of the work that you have to do, the journey that you have to take, is a long one and it's almost like a battle that is going to need some heavy artillery. A counselor will be able to give you some "fire support" and show you tools that you need to help you on your journey.

 

You are loved. You are a valued human being, and just as worthy as the next guy. It's tough, but you can do it. Use all the resources and tools you can get your hands on. Get angry enough to want to beat this thing into the ground for good and forever.

 

Hope some of this helps. I'm gonna be praying for you man.

[Dubi Doo]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. It really does help.

 

I haven't gone to a counselor; I'm pretty much over it. I mean, I can never be fully over it. I was actually tearing up a bit when I was writing about my first "Molestation" case (if it even was), but I have found ways to cope with it.

 

I have inspirations to make it into the music industry and speak to kids who have gone through similar situations as me. I remember all I had after most of these situations was music, and it's the very reason why it's so important to me.

 

I actually don't know if I am over it 100%, but I have learned to deal with things on my own, and that's how I've always done it. Most days I don't even think about it, but sometimes it pops up into my head and I get angry, even embarrased, but I find ways to forget about it.

 

It was bad because it made me hate gay people for the longest time, because I thought the first kid who touched me oddly was gay, so anytime I would see a gay person I would get angry. I learned to not judge all gay people by the actions of one. I was really dis appointed in myself that I would hate a group of people based on one experience. I was immature, though. I was still young, and that situation really altered my views on a lot of things, but I grew from it. I now hate no groups of people.

 

I don't know, I am ranting right now. I was really afraid to write this; I feared some one might not take it serious, or just call me weak. All of you were very supportive, and I will def take your advice into consideration.