"You won't do it so just quit talking about it."

[Rotting Corpse]

I am thankful for this place because it's the only outlet I've got. In the real world, everybody yells at me and gets angry when I tell them this. It's funny how they think they're going to bully me into not thinking about it anymore.

 

"I have wanted to die for awhile, but now that you yelled at me and made me feel like an idiot I'm really looking forward to living now. Thanks for this new lease on life."

 

I think the thing that keeps me going is cowardice. The chance of somehow messing it up and living in pain afterwards.

 

Goals? There are things I would like to do, but I don't believe I will ever have the means of doing them. I don't know what it's like not to be afraid of people. Even nice people. I can talk to you all on here, but if I saw you face to face I would freeze in fear.

 

There's a part of my mind that believes everybody hates me, everybody's laughing at me, everybody's out to stomp me into the ground. Because of that, I just feel like waving the white flag and letting them win. And the confusion that I get when people are nice to me just makes me feel weird and like I might be already crazy and perhaps in a stage of mental decline.

 

If I mentally decline too much, I'll end up in an institution and I don't want that. It seems to be getting worse. I'm getting crazier.

[Lights]

Everyone goes through periods of doubt. I have goals for my future but I have no money for college, and don't see the point of putting myself that far in debt before I even have a career. But by working hard, each day I am closer to that goal.

 

There are ALWAYS going to be ways. You just have to find the resources.

 

And fear is natural too, you have to decide if you want to feel better, and if you do, you have to accept help from the people here, and the professionals who can help you. Letting other people in will come later - it doesn't have to all happen overnight, but you have to come to terms with what you've been dealt and decide whether you want to turn your life around.

 

Everyone has that power.

[Rotting Corpse]

Well, I'm not getting any younger. I'm 26 already. This is supposed to be the prime of my life. I feel like I'm 66 though, past my prime, and that I wasted my good years already in fear.

 

I have feared people my whole life. This isn't a temporary thing that's going to go away. My real world experiences haven't exactly led me to believe that the fear is unwarranted. People make fun of me all the time, and I'm not in high school anymore. This is a professional setting we're talking here. They say that I'm probably gay and like little boys just because I'm too scared to ask a woman out.

 

I have to decide if I want to feel better. Maybe I don't. Even when I've felt good, I've still lived a second rate life. If I didn't have to live in fear, I would enjoy life. However, it's all I've ever known. It's what I expect. I have built my life around being scared of people. Life sucks when you're afraid of everybody. The fear makes me a nervous wreck all the time and people laugh at me for being crazy.

[Lights]

You said yourself you have lived a second rate life, which means you know that there is something better. You are in control of finding it.

 

Stop listening to people - seriously, if I listened everytime someone said something mean about me, I'd be screwed. You need to focus on YOU, not anyone else. Can you try that?

 

I know people are hurtful, but they aren't worth it. They are pathetic, and useless if their only way of getting laughs in life is making you feel bad about yourself.

[Rotting Corpse]

Are you sure I'm supposed to focus on myself? I've had several people tell me that I'm self absorbed and need to focus on other people more.

 

If all I needed was myself, I would be a happy man. However, life requires being good at interacting with people. You have to do it to keep a job, to keep friends, to find a mate. Once was the time I thought living alone would be OK. It's not. The loneliness is unbearable. Nobody to even talk to anymore except strangers on the internet.

 

There is a better life, but not for me. Only for people who aren't psychotic and worry incessantly about what other people think. I have tried to turn this anxiety off for years. I worked to build myself into being something. The nerves were there every step of the way. I am convinced that they always will be. I have fought it for years. It has taken a lot out of me. I'm too tired to fight much more.

[Lights]

Yes, you are supposed to focus on yourself, because you can't have a healthy loving friendship or relationship with anyone else until you have it with yourself.

 

You have to learn to like things about yourself, and allow yourself to feel self-absorbed while you get your own life on track.

 

When you're dealing with struggles like this, you are completely allowed to take time for you. You don't have to justify that to anyone else.

 

Once you start getting the ball rolling and learning what things make YOU happy, and what you want for yourself, you'll find that social interaction will be easier.

 

Do you think you'd like to try?

 

I'll help you however I can, and many others here will too.

[Rotting Corpse]

I would try almost anything I guess, but I'm not sure what this is. You said I have to learn to like things about myself. I need someone to teach me how to do that. As it stands, I don't feel worthy of it. If I could come up with anything I liked about myself, I would think that it sounded stupid and would feel weird. It seems that I may be more comfortable berating myself. That's all I have ever known how to do.

 

How do you like yourself when you hate yourself? Do you just fake it till you make it? If so, I really like how great of a ladies' man I am. I also like how easily it is for me to start conversations with people and how I'm always calm, cool, and collected under pressure. I also like how my bottom fat roll pinches my side when I sleep.

 

Actually, I do kind of like my sense of humor, although some of it is at my expense.

 

I like some of my obsessive tendencies. Routines, sticking to certain rules that I have made for myself, and certain traditions I have such as opening a can of pop when I cross the Roane County line in West Virginia.

 

Even though I'm still dreading to face another day tomorrow, there are still a few things I like in this world. Damn the luck, but I still think they are far outweighed by the things I hate. Outweighed enough that it's not worth it. Another thing I like about myself is I always try to find the best deal. What if the best deal is getting out now before I have been humiliated for one or two more decades?

[Lights]

I have a suggestion here. Could it be beneficial for you to give yourself a re-birth of some sort? Like a total re-invention?

 

It sounds like you've hit rock bottom and this might help you.

 

Create a mental image of the person you strive to be. Confident, social, fun, ambitious. Anything.

 

Create a new life for that new you.

Find a new apartment or house, decorate it the way the new you would like.

Find a new job that the new you will work hard at, without letting others bring you down.

Join clubs, events, anything to allow the new you to make new friends.

Create a new person, and flush away all the negativity from your life. This will allow for a fresh start, and a second chance at living a first rate life.

 

Do you think something like that would work for you?

[Rotting Corpse]

In a way, I've tried some of that already. I moved 170 miles from my hometown to try to start anew. I felt very good when I started this job. Then last summer I felt worse, mainly because of the loneliness. Now this year I have new responsibilities that I can't handle, and combine that with loneliness and you've got disaster. I stink at my job, stink at life.

 

If I could just get over this fear of people, it would completely change my outlook. I know what the problem is. I don't know the solution. I can't just flip a switch and say, "OK, now I'm not scared of people anymore." I am very afraid of them even when it appears there's no good reason to be.

 

Anyhow, when I first moved here I thought it was a rebirth and all of that. Now, the same old dreary darkness seems to hang over the streets here just like it did back where I came from. So this proves that starting over again doesn't really help because your old self always tags along.

[Lights]

I so wish I could help you meet people.

 

Well, being on ENA is a great start for that, you can take part in some threads, games, talk to new people. You can get used to having frequent conversations with different men and women, and apply that later in a real social setting. Only when you are ready.

[Rotting Corpse]

I feel bad now for making you sad. You wouldn't want to see me meet people anyway. It's a very uncomfortable experience for everyone. Usually, I just stand there with this fake frozen smile that gives me away and lets them know I'm shy and pitiful.

 

Keep the sunshine going. I know you will. The world needs people like you to lift them up. You are very kind.

[Lights]

I wish that me talking to you didn't stand out like an act of kindness, because in reality I feel that all humans should treat others with respect and decency. I think you sound like a really nice person, and I don't mind talking to you at all. You can PM me anytime.

[Lights]

I hope you are alright for the time being. Let me know if there is anything I can do - and if I'm not here, PLEASE reach out to someone else on here. It would be such an irreversible decision for you to hurt yourself and I hope you wouldn't do anything like that. Take care.

[Rotting Corpse]

Your kindness is very rare. I don't see very much of it in my life, and I never have.

 

Today at work, I just sat quietly for 8 hours. I'm withdrawing from my coworkers because I don't want them to get mad if I let it slip out how bad things are getting right now. I feel helpless, hopeless, and I'm just sitting there in my office waiting for the boss to chew me out. He will, eventually. That's when this will all come to a head.

 

Either he will help me or he'll bury me six feet under and it will push me over the edge. It would take very little right now. I feel like time is running out on me. I've got nobody in the world left to talk to. I'm all alone with these thoughts. My friend who used to call has stopped because he got tired of hearing it.

 

My life is in my boss's hands at this point. He doesn't even know it, but it's true. If he had only answered that e-mail I sent last week. Today I found out that he just disregarded it. I cannot walk in his office on my own accord. He will be upset and it will drive me over the edge, I just know it.

 

God, this feels terrible. It feels like I'm in line for slaughter. Part of me still wants to live or I'd have been dead already, but the pressure is mounting so heavily. I am frozen at this point, I can't do anything but wait for my verdict. I'm a criminal, a prisoner. I'm in the grip of forces beyond my control.

[Lights]

I think you have more people who will be willing to talk to you than you realize. Just reach out when you need help, and people will surprise you.

 

Please hang in there. Take it one step at a time.

[Rotting Corpse]

Well, the boss helped me some today so now I believe I've got a little more time. Maybe a couple more weeks. I can't believe he didn't cuss me out and tell me I was terrible and that I'm fired. I'm really terrible at this job. Don't they know that? I don't get it. I don't see how they can keep being nice to me like this. I'll take it, but I don't understand it.

 

But when I get depressed as I was, it's downright scary the way my thinking goes. Right now I don't want to kill myself, but there will come a time again where I will. I know it. It comes and goes. How can I keep making it out of them? I believe one day I won't make it out. I wish I was a little more rational. I'm starting to believe I live in some kind of world that doesn't exist.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Totally know what you mean; I've felt this way about every job I've ever had. Especially at my current one; I keep waiting for someone to yell at me for horrible performance or something 'cause I'm really crap at it. I'm not even good enough to push carts around and crap. It sucks.

 

You do have a point there; this world IS an illusion. I believe it to be a dream world... one that our souls are incarnated and re-incarnated into time and time again, but it's more complex than that in my beliefs. I have similar fits of suicidal thoughts that I oddly get over too. The only real thing you can do is as the boyscouts say "be prepared" for them. Don't live your life in misery and paranoia, do what you do and do what makes you happy, but be prepared for if you lose it or something.

[Rotting Corpse]

I wish they would just hurry up and fire me to put me out of my misery. That's what it's going to take to push me over the edge completely. Today I was at some kind of conference. There were several gorgeous women there. I sat there hating myself, knowing there's no way I could ever have one.

 

Damn, I want one so badly. It's never going to happen. This is not living. If I was as good as I wish I was, I'd be able to talk to them and get one. But I'm a pathetic fat idiot, so I get to come home to nothing.

 

That's why I don't even like it when things go well, because the very best I can do is a second rate life. That's all you can have when you're scared of everybody. The way I fear those women you would think they were pointing 12 gauge shotguns at me. They might as well be.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I don't know if that'd work; I know all the places I've worked have kept me on long enough to try and give me a false sense of hope until I REALLY slip up... keep your eyes open for that. Nothing worse than gorgeous women at work... there a cashier @ where I work and every time she notices me she keeps damn staring and smiling at me ever since the day of my interview. She's beautiful; I would be ashamed if she touched me with medical examiner gloves. I don't know why she keeps staring at me... I'm assuming it's because she's like "Oh look, another weirdo out there... I know, I'll lead him on!!"

 

Though it's extremely unlikely that an ugly guy can land the "beautiful woman", I've seen it happen. I was tossing around carts as usual, and saw this acne-ridden (literally ALL OVER) dude holding hands with this GORGEOUS woman. I say if you want it bad enough, don't give up. I mean, if you're really that low, it's not like lowering your standards would make anything any better... go after what YOU want, not what everyone says you should.

 

You're not the only one scared of women... but truly, I find it's best not to let that issue bother me. Sometimes I wish I were more confident, but then again, I enjoy my freedom. I say find something to get your mind off the ladies for a bit... sounds crazy, but it worked for me. Though I'm far from where I want to be, at least I'm not as bad as I was.

[Rotting Corpse]

It's particularly hard to do this time of year. All winter long here in Ohio, the women were all hiding under big coats. It is as if they all go south for the winter. Now they're back. They're out and about. Teasing me. Showing me what I can never have. Rubbing it in. They might as well be wearing those shorts with "KILL YOURSELF" written on their ass.

[CynicalGuitarist]

It's particularly hard to do this time of year. All winter long here in Ohio, the women were all hiding under big coats. It is as if they all go south for the winter. Now they're back. They're out and about. Teasing me. Showing me what I can never have. Rubbing it in. They might as well be wearing those shorts with "KILL YOURSELF" written on their ass.

 

LOL forgive me, but that last sentence was actually pretty funny; it'd work well in a dark comedy! California's worse 'cause all the pretty girls KNOW how pretty guys think they are; every time I hope they don't taunt me in the way you mentioned, it gets worse. I've literally had to build mental and physical barriers to cover myself from these teases and flirts. I know it's kind of sad, but it's better than me being lead on and falling right into their traps only to get involved in SOME sort of awkward situation later.