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"You won't do it so just quit talking about it."


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That's what my friend told me this evening on the phone when I was discussing methods. Freaked out and yelled that at me. Told me I'm self absorbed, stupid, no good, etc. Just calls me to bury me six feet under and laugh at me. I don't think I'm going to answer the phone next time. I don't need people like that wiping their ass on me on my way out.

 

Nobody believes me though. They think my suicidal thoughts are not that big of a deal and that I'll never go through with it. It's almost like they wish I would so they wouldn't have to hear about it anymore.

 

I think people want me dead. If I wasn't such a coward I would make their wish come true. If it was as easy as swallowing a pill, passing out and never waking back up I would do it right now. But it's not that easy.

 

Everyone in my life just laughs at me and thinks I'm a big joke. They either want me to kill myself or stay around and give them something to make fun of. They will end up happy and I'll end up either dead or miserable. What a wonderful world.

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Try and see it from your friend's point of view. It really isn't funny when people talk about killing themselves all the time. It's hard to hear it and even harder to listen when they've heard it over and over again. I think his words could be seen as "tough love".

 

Nobody wants you dead. ONLY YOU do.

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Well, I sure as hell don't need people like him putting me down. I do that well enough myself. I am not going to answer the phone for at least a few days. He can go to hell. Always calls me just to laugh in my face about how pitiful I am, then hangs up on me at random times. He's an arrogant * * * * * and I don't need people like that. That's why I isolate myself from people. He can join the damn crowd.

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Many people just don't know how to handle situations like that. It is easier for people to stay in denial than to acknowledge how much you're hurting. It's not because they don't care, but because acknowledging it would bring up very strong emotions that they are scared to face.

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Yep, that's what I was told by the guy I would like to cuss out. I'm self absorbed. I'm this, I'm that. I'm not good enough. I'm terrible. Everybody tells me that already. Maybe if I was good enough, people wouldn't be telling me this. What am I supposed to focus on, some kid on TV? I live alone, my work stinks, I stink. I'm about to lose my job and be homeless. Oh, but yeah now is a great time to focus on somebody else. Who? I have nobody else to focus on.

 

I'm sorry if this doesn't come accross well. I don't even know you so I don't want you to hate me too like everybody else already does. I can't be this super "focus on other people" person that everybody wants me to be. I apologize for not being good enough and I accept the consequences.

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I think this jerk of a "friend" is the least of your problems. Thoughts of suicide are usually indicitive of a much larger problem. For starters, I would like to suggest the book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. According to the book, you CAN change the way you feel. But in your case, I feel the book may not be enough, and you may need to seek professional therapy. You talking about suicide, methods, and what not is a cry for help, even if you refuse to see it yourself.

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you know what. that is screwed up. yes, it can get, tiresome to hear people whining and stuff, i bet especially if that person was suicidal, but they would feel AWFUL if that person actually went through with it. your friend needs to be a FRIEND and help you find a way out of your feeling this way. PLEASE don't hurt or kill yourself. you need a better life, not to be dead.

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Yep, that's what I was told by the guy I would like to cuss out. I'm self absorbed. I'm this, I'm that. I'm not good enough. I'm terrible. Everybody tells me that already. Maybe if I was good enough, people wouldn't be telling me this. What am I supposed to focus on, some kid on TV? I live alone, my work stinks, I stink. I'm about to lose my job and be homeless. Oh, but yeah now is a great time to focus on somebody else. Who? I have nobody else to focus on.

 

I'm sorry if this doesn't come accross well. I don't even know you so I don't want you to hate me too like everybody else already does. I can't be this super "focus on other people" person that everybody wants me to be. I apologize for not being good enough and I accept the consequences.

 

 

Hi

I'm Ashley

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8:58 it says on the computer. Where did Ashley go? Some guy at work has a hot wife named Ashley. He's a lucky man. He gets to go home to that fine looking lady and have a real dinner, while I get to come home to an empty apartment with my fast food smashed in a burger wrapper.

 

Yep, there are winners and losers. I know where I stand.

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That's really ironic of your "friend" to chew you out and make you feel worse when you're talking about ending your own life. You should stop talking to people like that about your problems; you'll get nowhere and only make yourself feel worse. Believe me, I've done that myself.

 

I really wish there was something I could do to help... I wish I was like the genie from Aladdin and could make everyone happy and drive the suicidal thoughts away. Unfortunately, human beings have an uncomfortable relationship with things like suicide; problems that are very real but overlooked 'cause nobody wants to "walk two moons" in another's shoes. It's not an easy thing to resolve and it's a very misunderstood facet of life, and people are usually rather hostile towards what they do not understand; especially when there aren't any easy answers in sight.

 

I won't laugh at you. You're in pain, and I can really relate. I know how hard it is looking at other people with such happy, sociable, fulfilling lives and feeling like a mere bystander. It makes my life feel insignificant; I feel ugly, dirty, greedy, stubborn, evil, melodramatic, etc. I'm horrible at everything I attempt or work at, no matter how much effort I put into it, so believe me I know. I will say that there IS no fool-proof method to end your own life and if you attempt it, there's a big chance that you'd end up worse off than you were before.

 

Also, don't apologize for "not being good enough"... you are who you are; the fact that society is a cold, unforgiving technocracy can make it seem like you have to, but you're you, I'm me, they're they, and that's all we can be no matter how much we attempt to mask it up.

 

I know it may not seem like much, but at least you're on your own; I have a crap job and I'm stuck at my mom's house and I'm 21... something people LOVE to use against me.

 

Sorry I couldn't help you much, but I hope good karma soon favors your undertakings.

 

Take it easy.

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How do you know his wife cooks?

 

He says she does. Even if she didn't, she's an attractive lady. I would let a woman that looks like her wipe her feet on me if she wanted to. They won't. I am unworthy of any woman at all, much less a good looking one. I know all the good looking ones think of me as some kind of lower level life form like a nightcrawler or a dead, rotting catfish.

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He says she does. Even if she didn't, she's an attractive lady. I would let a woman that looks like her wipe her feet on me if she wanted to. They won't. I am unworthy of any woman at all, much less a good looking one. I know all the good looking ones think of me as some kind of lower level life form like a nightcrawler or a dead, rotting catfish.

 

You have not been rejected by EVERY woman, not even close. Why do you feel unworthy?

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I reject myself before they get a chance to. I know they would though, if given the chance. The only girl I ever really wanted rejected me. Since then (7 years ago now) I have hated life. Normal people could just move right on to the next one, but I can't. Not being good enough doesn't sit well with me. I know I'm not good enough, but I hate it. I hate losing. Can't stand it.

 

Since there's no way to win what I want, I'd rather just have total disaster so it would give me the courage to end it. I hate struggling everyday and not getting anything out of it except to continue this sub-standard and pointless life.

 

I can actually feel myself get a little upset when something good happens because I know in the grand scheme of things, it's very piddly and that overall this is still a horrible life. However, these little good things distract from the ultimate goal. They give me a false sense of hope, which I don't want. I want out. I'm going to mess around and live to be old, have all kinds of health problems, and be spit upon for decades, all for nothing. I believe I'm a big idiot for passing up all the chances I have had to get this job done.

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The most important thing to me is avoiding embarrassment. That's what it's always been about. Everything I've done in my life was driven by fear. I went to college and got this job out of the fear of being poor. I go through life trying so hard to avoid disaster that I don't do much living.

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That's sad, I lived like that once and it nearly killed me. You need to do two things.

 

1. Be absolutely honest. Start with yourself about everyday feelings and tastes. Work your way up to with yourself about everything then proceed to being the same exact person with others (not brutal, simply honest).

 

2. Stop trying to please anyone but yourself. If you've never taken the chance to discover what you like now is an excellent time to start. Start with the things you find interesting and investigate them further, read books, watch documentaries, start talking to others about your interests.

 

You can do it.

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Honesty is what's killing me. If I could fool myself into thinking life was worth it, I'd be a lot better off.

 

Nobody is interested in the same things I am. Old country music that nobody listens to anymore, certain kinds of road sign fonts, the way they sign off of the channel 7 news. Other than that, I like to read the life stories of Robert E. Howard, Christine Chubbuck, and Budd Dwyer.

 

Is that your dog? Is it happy in that picture? I like a good doggy. When I visit my family back in Hee Haw, I get to see the big dog they have back there. It's a good old dog.

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There are people interested in the things you like, and the internet makes it pretty easy to find them.

 

No, the dog is friends with my dog, and the photo was taken during playtime. It's pure in-the-moment doggie face. lol

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Dude, I'm serious, your talk is very troubling. Get yourself to a therapist. Preferably a phychiatrist that can prescribe some sort of anti-depresent if he feels you need it, which you very well may. Your self-defeating attitued is why you are where you are. People are going to spit on you for as long as you are spitting on yourself. Women can smell low self-esteem like a dog can smell fear (bad analogy, no offense women, but you see what I mean). WE ALL have the potential to achieve our dreams, and the only person that can stand in our way is ourselves. I really hate to see people hurting, and you are obviously hurting bad. Talk to a professional, I promise, you will get better, and you will see how much life IS worth living. Good luck to you, friend.

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I have an appointment to talk to someone on the 22nd. I'm afraid of telling them about suicidal thoughts though. They might want to lock me up if I tell them that. I'd rather be dead than locked up, then either lose my job or come back to work with everyone gesturing to me to kill myself. They don't do that now, but if they knew I got put in a damn psych ward they would.

 

This is a vicious cycle I'm getting in right now. Last Saturday night I drove 3 hours all the way back to West Virginia to my dad's house. The only reason I did it is because I thought for sure I would be able to go through with it this time.

 

He has a 30-30 rifle and ammo that he keeps easily accessible, despite my repeated talk about suicide to him. I don't know if he's just stupid or if he's daring me to do it. I think it's the former, but who knows? Maybe he would like it if I was out of my misery and didn't talk to him about it anymore.

 

Anyhow, every time I go back home and leave alive I come back out here to western Ohio and think, "Damn, you idiot. You had the chance and blew it. Why are you so stupid? Look at the embarrassment you have to deal with now. What's it going to take to push you over the edge, * * * * * * * ?"

 

I think the answer is more embarrassment at work, which is sure to come since I'm not getting much done. I can't wait until they tell me how worthless I am or give me the boot. I'm still doing whatever I can, but it's not much. Nobody there knows how badly I'm doing right now.

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I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I just hope that coming to ENA can offer you some kind of safe place . A place where you know that SOMEONE is online, somewhere, if you need them. And a place that is mostly apart from judgment and mean people (with the exception of a few, of course).

 

There must be something you're holding on to. Is there something in your life that you want to do and haven't done? Goals? Anything? You don't sound like you're ready to let go, and that's a really good start. You have to find things like that and fill your life with them, so that there is always a reason for you to push forward. That will help you so much while you try to heal the bad parts in your life.

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