Venting...

[dikaia880]

Hi all,

This may not be the best place to do this, but most of you here have pobably come accross some of my past posts, and I feel like this forum is my support group of sorts, so this may get long feel free to throw in any thoughts or not...I just need to vent a bit.

 

If you want to know the story I can explain, but I'll save you it right now.

(8 months, long distance, she ends it, calls constantly, then no contact, then I see her, she emails me "i haven't moved on yada yada yada, we talk, nothing just friends despite the things she wrote)

So we've been talking, we've seen each other a couple times, one time in my hometown, at four in the morning after the bar she calls me at home to come pick her up from her brother's, I don't because I'm not good to drive. Then the calls become less often (she had been doing all the calling and mentioned that she "felt like she was stalking me, and that if i wanted to talk i could call anytime"

Well, she and her friends are in Jaimaca right now, they stayed at my place saturday night, and I drove them to the airport sunday morning. Not a whole lot of talk with her, just group banter...I was going to give up my bed and let two of her friends sleep in it, I was going to take the floor and the ex was going to take the couch...well something changed and me and her stayed in my bed (with the door open, in case her friends needed anything...excuse to leave door open or valid point I don't know)

So here I am...I had been able to see clearly lately, knowing what happens happens, and be happy...but now all I can do is think of her, cry (I'm not a cryer so I know I'm in trouble ) I sit at work and wonder if she's on the beach thinking of me (she's said her heart is still with me) or has she forgetten about me (The sun and sand tends to make people forget their problems)

I wish I knew what to do...I mentioned once that I wasn't sure if I could be friends because of the hurt, to which she replied "so it's all or nothing?" in a not so nice voice. And that saying that put pressure on her...ughhh!

I'm also very anxious to find out about grad school, I've applied to my old Uni, where she is (not for her, but for me!) and now I'm waiting on the acceptance (optimism)

I feel like she's waiting to find out if I get accepted or not before she decides what she wants, which is okay I guess except for the fact that It drags me along, tearing up my heart.

I just wish she would pick me up, or drop me...none of this stringing along which she is unknowingly doing.

 

After nearly three months, I'm still a mess about her...I love her to death, but I think she's afraid, afraid that it's serious (she talked about marriage all the time) afraid i may hurt her so she cut it off before I could ( I would never hurt her, I'd die if I did)

 

I'm thinking of writing her a card, and putting it in her car so when she gets back from vacation she'll see it. It would go something like this...

"I've been thinking alot, I know what I want...I can be happy alone and find someone else, but I don't want to. YADA YADA YADA... I'm not trying to pressure on you, but if we're not working on being "us" whats the point of being friends? Whats the point of talking everynight like we have been. We both have friends, if you heart is still with me and your not over me like you've said, why aren't we working on us...if your feelings aren't enough to be together than we're making it hard on both of us to move on. If thats the case, lets stop playing games, stop talking, and get on with our lives."

Of course it would be written better, but as with the rest of my post, my writting has gone to crap today! Can you guys please talk me out of doing something stupid like this!!?? Any thoughts on what I should do...I feel like I'm losing it all over again...I can be strong and confident around her, but when she goes, my heart falls to the floor, shatters and I end up being a mess. Let me know, I thought I was over all this pain...I'm afraid this may never end, I just want my black, sun cracked soul to come alive again, like the desert after a rain.

Sorry this got long, I just needed to vent a bit...Thanks for all your patience and help everyone!

[medtranusa]

I have not read your past posts. Is this your first really serious relationship? Don't send her any notes. Don't bring up your past relationship. Next time she contacts you tell her you are not ready to be friends yet and maybe you can in the future but it is too soon for that now. Don't put your heart out there to be completely smashed again. Sometimes girls like to know that someone they had is still completely there for them even if they don't want them anymore. Believe me if she meets someone that really interests her she will quit calling and then how will you feel. You need to move on concentrate on yourself and your future. Listen to me, I have way to much experience with this stuff. I could probably write a book about it. Unfortunately it comes with age.

 

Take care!

[dikaia880]

I know...I just needed someone to tell me I was going to make a mistake...thanks. I'm wondering about the whole, why she wants to be friends thing, if she just wants to know I still care why would she talk about not being over me and her heart still being with me? Then again why would she say all that and then just say she wants us to build our friendship and all that...I just don't get how she can call everyday, get mad when I don't talk long...Maybe I'm just believing what I want to believe, but it sure seems to me that she's afraid of getting hurt and can't let go, and figures that it'd be easy to end it than to get hurt. It's just so frustrating to have her say the things she says and then not back them up.

Also, I think the thing thats making me really upset lately is that my roomate is getting married this summer. He's been going out and keeps joking about how his life is over in a couple months...when all I want is what he has...it makes me sick that he has what some many of us here want and he takes it for granted....ughhhhhhhhhhh!

[medtranusa]

I know it's hard but try to move on. You are young and this will pass. Tell her you can maybe be friends later but if she really cares about you she will let you go. If you are meant to be together then you will be someday but right now concentrate on yourself. Keep telling yourself that you will make it. Every time you think of her say it over and over to yourself instead of thinking about her and analyzing her motives. Your relationship as it now stands is not really a friendship is it? A friend would not toy with your affections. It's the same old I want it, I don't want it, and now I want it back again. No offense but sometimes that is the sign of a serious personality disorder. If she really loves you she will straighten up when you show her you would like her in your life but you do not need her in your life. Get rid of the need.

[dikaia880]

I hear ya...and I think for the first time I can understand that it's what needs to be done. Here's my concerns, maybe you can help me.

 

1.) She's made it seem the all or nothing is pressure on her, she got mad when i mentioned I didn't know if i could be friends.

 

2.)How do I do this without getting her mad, or making it seem like I really don't care. I want her to know how much I care and love her without coming off needy. I don't need her in my life to be happy, but I want her...

 

3.) If she's not over me, and her heart is still with me (she's said this) is cutting off contact the right thing, it will help me move on yes...but won't it do the same for her?

 

4.) As I might be going back to her town for grad school in about 4 months or so (depending on being accepted), does that throw a kink into the no contact thing, as far as it being the right thing to do?

 

I guess my concerns here are that no contact is meant to help one get over their ex...but if she's not over me now, isn't there something else I can do...or do I need to cut it off? Thanks for your advice, I've been getting stronger as the day goes on! Anyone else have some insight??

[medtranusa]

You have to explain to her that you need time to get over the relationship before you can be friends. She will know you still care. Then do not contact her for a month and try to concetrate on yourself in that month. Find something to take up your time instead of thinking about her. If she calls you keep the contact to a minimum. Give her a chance to really miss you by not being so available. Hold her off for at least a month and then talk about it. Don't go overboard though. If she wants to be back in a full relationship she will let you know. Unfortunately we cannot make people want us back so if it does not work out, at least you will have already been working on getting on with your life. Do not let her getting angry with you change anything. She will get over that if she really wants more than friendship. If seeing her makes you feel so bad and brings you to tears why would you continue with it? As long as she can string you along she will and the minute someone new excites her she will not need what she is calling "friendship."

 

I'm nursing my own broken heart right now and with time things do get easier.

[dikaia880]

I wish I could just listen...but heres another question...

 

Do I cut contact now (when she gets back from vacation, I'm picking her and her friends up from the airport thursday night, then they head back to school) or do I wait until I find out if I get accepted into grad school or not...probably 2 to 4 weeks from now? I know that if I cut it off now, when I find out I got accepted (again optimism) that I'll end up emailing her and telling her so then the no contact is sort of busted.

I think theres a large part of me that doesn't want to cut off contact because I don't want to move on, even though I know I'd be happier. I also think that whatever she decides, she won't contact me out of respect for what I've said (i.e. I need to move on and not talk to you for awhile)

 

Any thoughts, anyone else have any ideas? Thanks a lot!!!

[medtranusa]

Break contact off when she gets back. Then in a month your news about grad school will be an excuse to contact her. Expect that you will want to talk to her as it is only natural. My ex and I lived to together for 9 years and after a month he came to see me with an excuse that it was for something else. I was too happy to see him and blew it so he backed right off. It's a push and pull thing and if she feels pressure from you she will back off. Even when you think you are not applying pressure to get back together she will sense it. I do not know all the circumstances but it kind of sounds like she likes knowing you are there for her but will not get back together more than friends. That is not fair to you. You have to get on with your life. If she really loves you she will be back. It takes time. It all takes time. Take care of yourself for a month and come to this web site and vent again when you are feeling weak. Like I said before if she knows you are at her beckon call she will take you for granted.

[dikaia880]

Well,

I think your right...I wish I didn't have to do it, but living like this isn't worth anything. I think I may have to do it in an email or in a letter, becuase when I've mentioned not talking on the phone she's said "so it's all or nothing!?" and I said no I don't want that at gave into her a bit. I think I might do that all again...what do you think? If you think a letter is okay then I'll type something up and let you look at it to make sure I don't say anything in a bad way....Thanks again for all your help!

[medtranusa]

If a letter is easier that would be okay but just state the facts that it is too soon for friendship without making bold statements of how you miss her. Just stating you need time shows you still have feelings deeper than friendship. In the meantime really analyze your feelings about the relationship. What would be different that would make it work out? Tell yourself you will be okay. It's not easy but you can do it. Most women do not respect or feel attracted to a doormat. Remember that. Try to relax and not expect her to come back. Come to accept the outcome whatever it may be. You will be more attractive expressing a calmness with things instead of desperation. I have to remind you some girls just like knowing they have someone that they can take from without giving in return. Again take care of yourself and cover those buttons she is pushing.

[dikaia880]

Okay...Is it alright if I pm you what I write...just want to make sure I'm not sending something that I shouldn't be... Theres not a whole lot that could be done differently...we had a great relationship, but she's got some sort of hang up...I think she's scared of where it was heading (even though she's the one that talked of marriage)

Thanks...

[medtranusa]

Okay I will look at what you want to send. Just keep it simple. You are now standing up for yourself to stop the madness.

[dikaia880]

Well,

I gave a lot of thought to this last night, and I'm still not convinced it's the best thing...

It seems to me that it's giving up, and that if I give up it will just show her that it wasn't meant to work out anyways...

And that if I say I need to not talk to move on, that she will take it, she respects me enough to not call, and use it to move on herself...

She broke it off, but at the same time has told me she hasn't moved on and her heart is still with me, so doesn't that put us in the same position?

I just wish I knew why she was holding on to this friends thing, why she said she thought it was good we were building our friendship...

Why she gets mad at me when I make the calls short...why she tells me things about how she feels and then why she doesn't back them up...

She's said things that lead me to believe she's afraid that I'd end up hurting her, and by going to no contact, doesn't that show her that I don't care and that she was right, that I would hurt her in the end?

She's asked if I knew what was best for us...I know what I want, I want to be with her...I wish I could show her that was best for us...

I was over all this awhile ago, but now I'm back in the grips of desperation, misery, and confusion...

Theres so much I want to say to her if I was to cut off contact...even if I do cut it off she'll probably end up calling, but it won't change anything...so i wouldn't want to answer, but then what does that show her? That I'm not there for her?

I hate this...I just want to go somewhere warm...tahiti? sit on the beach with a couple mia tia's and forget about the bad things happening in my life right now...maybe I'll just move to the tropics and open a tiki bar, get a puppy, and live my life on my own...

[dikaia880]

Well, now I'm getting needy with you all! I'm horrible...

I haven't decided whether to cut contact off or even how I'll do it, but if I let her know I'll write this in a card...let me know what you all think, Thanks!

 

Hi "ex"

I've been thinking a lot about us since we had our talk. You've said a lot about you're feelings for me, and I get this sense that something is holding you back from them for some reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I do know that theres nothing I can do about it, I wish there was. I can't understand why you hold back your feelings, and i can't control that. the only thing I really know is that, as long as you keep holding back I'm going to be on a string, not able to have you and yet not able to move on...If we're not going to be together I need to move on, and the only way I can do that is by us not talking for awhile...I know it sounds like all or nothing, I don't think it is, but either way, it's the only way I can get on with my life... I feel like you've been holding on to me for some reason, why I don't know. Ever since we've broken up you've given me hope and then taken it away, just to do it all over again...I can't do it anymore. I was starting to move on, then you emailed me and gave me so much hope, just to turn your back on your feelings again...I don't understand it. But I'm done, I give up. Either take me or leave me, but don't drag me along anymore. When it comes down to it, you're the one that made the choice to end it, I'm sorry if you cry about us, I'm sorry you missed me too much, maybe that should tell you something about how you feel. It's not my fault, but it is my problem...I've tried to solve my problem, but you won't let me...so i'm choosing to run from it, and I will get away. I've put you before me pretty much from the time we met until now, now i'm putting me first.

 

What do you all think? Beec, spatz? Anyone else, you've all helped me so much before, now I need your insight even more! Thanks

[Beec]

My first impression is that your letter and even cutting contact is a terrible idea. Why do you want to cut contact? Are you begging her to come back? If yes and you can't stop, cut contact? Does her contacting you hurt you? Same answer, if yes, cut contact. If no, then work the contact you haev and get her back in your arms. From what you describe, it seems like she is waiting for you to seduce her back into your arms. You cannot do this overnight and maybe circumstances make it difficult, but that seems to be what she ultimately wants. You seem like it would make you happy too. Can you make it happen?

[dikaia880]

Well...thats what I was looking for...someone to justify what I really want to do! I'm not begging her, I've actually not brought up the subject of us for awhile (i think.) Sometimes it does hurt a bit, when she calls me for days on end and then she gets busy and doesn't call all that much...that throws me threw the ringer a little. But mostly I'm good...I'm wondering though if by letting her talk to me, I'm allowing her to get over me...

I think I need to start over with this re-seduction if you will...

Make no contact for a week or so...other than when she calls...then work back into it...then back off, let her wonder...

The night I wouldn't pick her up she left a voice message saying something about playing hard to get and that she can play that game to...I don't know what she meant, if she was on to it or if it was just drunken joking...hmmmmmmm.

Well at any rate, thanks beec...you've helped me again...I will not fail when it comes to this girl. We're supposed to be living for us, for our own happiness right? Well she makes me happy...I will not let her go!

[medtranusa]

I still say you have to quit being a doormat. My ex is just starting to call but it has taken months of my acting happy and strong and I mean acting. If she thinks you are there for her she will walk all over you. Read the other posts about no contact all over this web site. Make her come after you. Her saying she can play hard to get too shows she knows she is in control. Take that control back!

[Beec]

 

I think I need to start over with this re-seduction if you will...

Make no contact for a week or so...other than when she calls...then work back into it...then back off, let her wonder...

 

The night I wouldn't pick her up she left a voice message saying something about playing hard to get and that she can play that game to...I don't know what she meant, if she was on to it or if it was just drunken joking...hmmmmmmm.

 

 

OK, but now learn about the first steps in a seduction. I've mentioned that getting them to love you requires you to delvier emotional fulfillment while remaining aloof and vague about your feelings.

 

In order to get to it, make her feel secure in the idea that you are not out to just get her, you must make her feel secure first. You must also send her mixed signals, are you interested or not. Make her wonder. In this case, indicacting like you might just want to be friends might do the trick. Might is key, do not say that is all you want. In fact do not say anything definite, just be vague.

 

THe other things you can do is to appear to be an object of desire; create a need or axiety in your target; insinuate your ideas and self into them; enter their spirit; create temptation; keep them in suspense; etc.

 

You need to play to your target.

[dikaia880]

Thanks Beec,

I have a feeling I might need some coaching here. I think I can do what your saying, specific Ideas might help, however. I've tolds her that maybe being friends for now, leaving the door open for the future is the best thing for us right now, as we're both so busy...and that I wouldn't bring "us" up again unless she wanted to. That was an email, after our talk, and the only response she really sent back was "I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything, including us."

I've been pretty distant lately, other than taking her and her friends to the airport last weekend and picking them up last night...

So from the airport my roommate took two of her friends I took the rest, and after they left my roommate says "do you know of a Todd that she knows? because her friends were saying something about her spending a lot of time with him lately..." Ouch...that hurt, but after they left, one of her friends, one of the one's in my roommates car talking about this guy, was sitting in her car, so I went out and made sure she had everything, and...this could have been a mistake...i asked if she knew if my ex was seeing anyone (i didn't bring up the conversation my roomate overheard as he wasn't so sure of what he heard exactly) and she said no, not as far as she knew and that "believe me 'dikaia880', if she was I'd tell you" well that gave me some piece of mind, but I don't know if I believe her, she also said maybe you should ask "ex" about it...I don't know if I should or not...any thoughts. If she is seeing someone, should I cut the contact or does it just give me someone to fight for her agaisnt?

[dikaia880]

Okay,

so I'm sitting here thinking about the possibilty of there being this other guy that my roommate overheard her friends talking about (the story in my above post)...I sort of recall her talking about this todd guy and that he's a friend that's helping her in class or something and that he was just a friend...Well i'm not so sure of that, I can't remember exactly what she said or even if it was this guys she was talking about...

She has asked me, in the past, if I was seeing anyone else, I feel I have the right to know if she's dating this guy or not...so I can decide what to do about her.

But how do I ask without it coming off the wrong way, while still seeming vague and aloof?

[Beec]

I cannot answer all your questions right now. But do not ever ask, unless you have her back. You cannot be aloof and ask. If she is dating you or thigns start to move, you have a reason to ask, maybe. Not now.

[dikaia880]

Beec,

I just wanted to thank you for the great advice over the past couple weeks...it's been a big help...and you've also helped me put my confident side before my desperate side...one of these days the desperate part of me will disapear as long as I make it!

[Beec]

dikaia880,

 

Unless she is your gf, with whom you are seriously or sexually involved, I don't see that you get a right to ask her if she is dating someone else. You want to know, it would be nice to know, but asking about it is not the way to appear aloof and independent and all the stuff you need to appear. Asking her friends, well, i would not haev done that either, but what is done is done.

 

Her comments are good. She seems ready, willing and able to be a friend. Use that, be a friend to her. Not a distant one either. You are getting your emotions under apparent control (you can appear to haev control, but we never really get control), so you ae ready to act aloof, be a friend and use your friend access to deliver a little emotional fulfillment.

 

Do you understand what it is? Emotional fulfillment is what ever fills up the holes in her psyche. Whatever really makes her feel good, smile, etc. Sometimes it is feeding her ideals, helping her think she is capable of great things, sometimes making her laugh, sometimes making her feel beautiful, or even just that someone, such as you, cares. Why did she find you attractive in the first place?? What did you do to help that? What made her smile during your first few dates? These things should help guide you.

If Todd is there, you may have competition. (Not sure I meant anything by the "or" that was here. Seems it was a typo.)

[dikaia880]

True... While I do think I have the right to know, it would be hurtful to my cause. It's is in a long distance so the seduction is all verbal...I'm better at the physical, touching body language, ect. but I can do this..if there is a Todd, or any other he's nothing serious if she's calling me as much as she does...so I won't worry about it...

I was out last night, after the WCHA Final five hockey games (midwest-US college hockey for those not in the know) and I was having a blast talking and "hitting" on random girls, it's a confidence booster for sure...I can and will get her to open up, and let her feelings for me take over, to put her heart before her head!!!

[dikaia880]

If Todd is there, you may have competition. or

 

I forgot to ask...what do you mean by the "or" at the end?

 

Thanks for all your encouragement Beec!!!