Moment of clear thinking (I think)

[elusivejc]

Hi people, thanks for your time again, need to vent. I've posted my situation before, but after a walk in the cold night air I think I've thought more clearly and have something useful to go off to describe it. BTW I feel like I've burdened my real world friends enough thus is why I'm here, I hope I'm not looking like a whining type here, sorry if I am!

 

Timeline in history:

1983=>2002 never had a girlfriend,

Oct 02 Meet gorlfriend

Dec 02 First night together

March 03 Basically living together (kinda sorta)

July 03 I go on trip to UK to see family

July 03 Girlfriend gets lonely and almost gets with teammate of mine.

July 03 I arrive back and hear her story:

 

"I was afraid I was never going to see you again, because I know how much you want to relocate to England eventually. I was so lonely and cried almost every night. Then he came over and we ended up on my bed him on top, then I told him to go home."

 

It took a long time to come to terms with it and finally saw reason to forgive her - nothing really happened, and it was an emotionally confusing time. Though I saw a more evil streak in the teammate that 'comforted her'.

 

Sept 03 She's 'not happy with things', and talks about breaking up:

 

I'm not sure if I was being a solid minded fighter or just a pathetic hanger-on, but I convinced her that there was more left in us, and that it was just a hard time. I felt like she was getting desensitised to all the good times, and was being negative and focussing on the bad points.

 

Oct 03 Have 'remedial weekend away'. Loved it, had a slight feel of being 'necessary', but was mostly really cool and so nice and peaceful... Mmmm good memories.

 

Oct 03 We both move our respective houses through necessity. Unfortunately we are now an hour apart on the crappy transport system.

 

Christmas Eve 03 She's taken off on an unexpected trip to see her parents, I sense something's not right. I get in contact on MSN and quickly it becomes obvious that she's broken it off from a distance.

 

Since: She's taken a fancying to her flatmate and, quite honestly of her, told me of all the nightly bedroom activities she's been carrying out. I've been an erratic mess that is constantly feeling like everything's my fault yet I don't know how. I feel like crap, get depressed, occasionally consider killing myself because I can't see anything good about myself worth carrying on into a long life.

 

 

 

Notes on relationship:

After July things are tough but it seems just like a hurdle on the way to a solid relationship, same with the breakup discussion, seemed like a 'what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger' sort of thing. In hindsight I think I might've seemed desperate after that.

Up until July, everything's perfect, literally, most beautifully magical thing you can imagine. After it she feels very gulty and like she's oweing a great debt. I make it clear to her that I've accepted it and am happy to move on. After July too, she meets a friend of mine, they quickly become best friends. He only has female friends really and is a kind of effeminate guy.

Though my general social shortcomings (I've posted to death about that, and I'm probably still not finished) do me no good here, and it feel like she's losing respect for me. When me and her were one on one, it was fine, no issues, but as soon as others came into the picture she'd take everyone else's side and treat me like crap. Example: I often used to drive to pick her up from work, and that'd be fine. But one day her new best friend - my old mate was in the passenger seat coming for a ride. When I pulled up, she looked in, got a really furious look on her face, thought for a second, and sent me to the back seat so she could drive instead. In hisdsight I should have been disgusted but I accepted it because it wasn't who she always was and the balance of good/bad was good. Though she started talking about me with all her friends and writing me off about everything.

Eventually though I feel she lost all respect for me and decided to call it quits, then no sooner go and get 'friends with benefits' with her flatmate (10 years older, she's ~20).

 

I feel ripped off because I gave everything I had, although that possibly doesn't amount to much, and she took the initiative to keep her complaints to her friends and not me, until she decided to give up and throw it away THEN tell me all her complaints. To me it feels like for the last 6 months of us she was just stringing me along until she felt like she had something better available. Meanwhile my self respect took a beating to keep things alive.

 

I know in myself that it's a one in a thousand blue moons I get the opportunity to share my life with a pretty, clever, indepentent person, and I feel like a dose of death now because I let my fear of loneliness walk me along the line of being a complete toy. And I know now that I'm going to spend many more years alone before anything special comes my way again, and that I'm going to have to 'sit in the corner' of my mind as a sort of punishment. I find it depressing to think that I can't have my self respect and a close partner simultaneously. It's depressing to think that I'm so not worth having that I'll get so few opportunities to find someone meaningful to me that I have so sell my dignity to make it so.

 

It's just generally depressing to think that the very person who knew me better than anyone else is the very person who's now happy to put a million miles space between me and her. It's like 'well, so that's what happens when people get close to me, they're repulsed', 'I spose the very core of my being is so undesirable that I thould keep it hidden well away and put on a facade, if I ever want to have companionship'. It's depressing to think that I'm that person that noone will ever want to spend time with.

 

And more depressing is after I read that back it reinforces in my mind how pathetic I must be. I don't want to be like that but it seems like my curse and I don't know what I'm to do about it. Every time I try to be positive, and be who I want to be, it always comes crashing down and I feel like crap and want to isolate myself from the world all over again, and get more pessimistic about my chances of living a normal life. Arrgh, give me a reason to live other than 'because my family will feel bad', because that's a really bad reason to feel like living a crap life, 'just so other's don't have to feel bad'.

 

Life sucks,

TEJC

 

I hope that post is repayment for the half arsed one I put up last night

[kuhl282000]

Hey Dude

 

I found your post very interesting, because you answered all of your own questions in your own post. I have never seen that before. The thing that disturbed me was that you were so organized in the format of your post with times and dates. This would be coming from a person who really thinks things out. And then you would go into about killing yourself and depression. That was the confusing part, because you had already answered your own questions. I figured you would figure it out yourself. so let me see if i can shed some light. First off killing yourself is not an option. and it is not the answer to anything. Depression can be fixed, and yes we have all been depressed at one time or another in our lives. My suggestion about this girl is,first off she treats you like a doormat. Ask yourself why ?????? are you letting her or anyone treat you this way. I would expect better treatment from a total stranger let alone someone i stake claim to caring about. Your self esteem is playing tricks on you, because you are letting one person have that much power over you. Your not getting ripped off. You are letting yourself be taken advandage of, by someone that does not care as much as you. When your team mate was on top of her. Well that would have been enough for me to say hit the road. I would have dumped her like a "HOT" POTATO" in a heartbeat. And why is she telling you what she is doing in the bedroom with other people. "HELLO"that is really mean and very sick.. wake up, this is a cruel person. And you need to run. And run fast and as far as you can get from this mean person. Their are Billions of kind and caring women out there. You answers were about respect......and trust me you are not getting any from this person. Stop being so hard on yourself, and lighten up a little. and see a professional if you need help for depression. Many of my friends are taking pills that do wonders. Get a grip my hurting friend, keep coming here and talk. We all help each other. You will find someone, be patient...when your not lookig is when it happens. But dump this person and fast. you will never fix this person, but you can fix yourself.

 

Good luck

 

Kuhl

 

8) 8) 8)

[elusivejc]

OK I'm not sure you got the full impression, I sound like I've described the devil incarnate. While we were alone she seemed loving and caring and a nice person. But enter anyone else, she'd completely change her tune, I'd be second best to anyone she'd care to mention. Though it wasn't always like that, I'd have noticed it if it was, it was a very slow transition that I didn't really notice.

 

I forgave her for doing what she did while I was away because she seemed to have hurt herself just as much me, and she was so sad about it that she seemed genuinely sorry. Maybe in 20 years I'll look back and think I was a fool, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time.

 

I've been described as someone who thinks too much, I don't know if it's always a bad thing though. But this post was more about thinking emotionlessly about myself thus the organisation.

 

Questions:

1. Was it my fault that I got walked over? Did I leave myself open to abuse?

2. Will I learn from it or will it happen over and over again with future girls because it's such a subtle change? Or will I be hypersensitive to it and jeopardise future relationships through avoiding being a doormat?

3. Will I have the guts in future to do the breaking up with someone who's slowly wrapped me around their finger or will I put up with it to avoid being alone?

 

Being alone the last 2 months has really sucked, and given the completely not going to happen hypothetical that she wants me back, I used to think, no way, but I feel like I'm starting to get so lonely that I'd put up with crap to get companionship.

 

It's depressing to be so totally on the ball about the situation but still not be able to control my emotions and needs. I think about it so much that I have considered every possibility and settled on 'the doormat' as the reality of it, but still I think about the good parts and start thinking all over again

 

That old friend of mine, I put out my hand for a handshake and she said 'oh gimme a hug silly', and just a simple hug, my god it's so strange for something so simple to feel so warm and nice, reminds me what I used to get any time I wanted it. I wish I wasn't such a sucker for that stuff.

 

And the stuff about kiling myself, that came up about 3 weeks ago, I was feeling really down, feeling like everything's my fault, there's no solution to anything, I'm no good at anything, I'm too late at my age to catch up, there's no hope, I'm going to live this crazppy life if I like it or not. Felt really bad. Now I think about it as just one of many possibilities that is feasible because it may just be that I can't change myself anymore.

 

Re changing, some days I think I don't need to change, this is me and the world should deal with it, other days I think about how inadequate I am and how much self improvement I need. Moodswings get me down, I want to be stable, but they suck the energy out of me. I feel so lethargic most of the time, and every simple task is a massive effort. Then I get down thinking I can't change even if I want to because I haven't the physical or mental energy left to do so. Feelings of being stuck with what I have.

 

And I hate how being such a considered thinker that it drives my moodswings, I consider everything, over and over again. Sometimes I wish I was really simple and didn't think like I did.

 

If anyone's read the book, I feel like the Man from Mars, very intelligent but have trouble naturally adapting to normal human behaviour. Most people think I'm a very simple person, but I think I'm a hive of intellectual thought wrapped in a very undeveloped social being. I hate being so different. Somehow I have a complete "Theory of Everything" but can't small talk.

 

That's enough of the cross examination for now,

your thoughts?

TEJC

,

[DiglyD]

1. Yes it was your fault. You left yourself open to being taken advantage off becasue you are inexperienced with women and you respected her without her having to work for it. You gave her respect without her having to earn it...a big no no. A woman will see how far she can bend you from the minute she meets you. She will test you to see how much of her crap you are willing to take. You did not put your foot down and she took all she could. This is how woman are.

You left yourself open to abuse.

 

2. Yes you wil llearn from it. People learn their greatest lessons when they are hurt the most. Thi might and will happen with future girls if you don't force yourself to see women in a different light and if you don't set some ground rules with future girls. It will become a pattern as long as you do not break it. If you do not wish to become a doormat ever again you must develop the ability to understand when to be hard and when to be soft with a woman.

 

3. Yes you will have the guts in the future to do the breaking, but only if you develop the strength to stand up for what you think is right and only as long as you are not willing to take any crap from a woman. If you withdraw into yourself and become scared thinking that you never want to be hurt again and never want to loose another girl again then you will be taken advantage off all your life.

 

Being alone will suck and will suck for many months. But after that you will meet more girls and the more girls you meet the easier it will be.

[elusivejc]

I suppose there is a reason I bring up the question of fault, even though in hindsight I agree that I did totally hang myself out to dry. And that is, is there a responsibility on the 'dominant' half of a relationship to ensure equality, or is it general human nateure to take as much as possible and give as little, in which case I should accept the fact evermore?

 

I've never been known to like playing those sorts of interpersonal games of tug of war, though I've never been on the dominant side and weilded the power. I liked the ideals of being in a relationship just for the happiness, and not try to play a power game, like in the early stages where this disparity wasn't there. Is that a silly fantasy I should push out to sea or should I try to retain it in some modified form?

 

TEJC

[just.me.again]

I can see that these posts are pretty old now so I am almost not hoping that anyone will see this. However, I felt connected with the problem, because I am in almost the same situation.... no respect, forgive too much.. only that I am continuing to struggle and hope for a change (no idea if I have succeeded it). Anyway, I will be happy to know what happened with you, elusivejc. After all the time, you probably have an even clearer thinking about what happened back then.