Any advice would be appreciated here.

[Trinny]

I have been with my boyfriend for a while now. I am currently at university, and he is employed, we have plans to moving in with each other once I've finished my course.

 

However, we do have some serious problems, so I feel.

My ex boyfriend who I was with for 7 years before this relationship never swore at me, shouted, raised his voice etc etc. My current boyfriend does all of this. And he honestly scares me when he starts to swear at me. He simply adds in he F word, not calling me names as an example.

 

Did I just get lucky with my first boyfriend, or has my current partner got some issues?

 

I have very bad issues with depression and coping with stress, I'm on medication for this. I'm also 3 weeks smoke free with no support other than will power and a few patches which I don't think is helping that much, exams coming up etc.

 

When I look for support from my partner, I feel he tries to give it to me, but he ends up feeling depressed himself, that starts to say I never give him support, and it ends up being about him. (Also making me feel very guilty) I know that might sound selfish of me. But when I'm in tears and under this much pressure I just need someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be over soon. If I’m lucky, I’ll get “I’m sorry to hear that!” It’s so formal. And I feel he turns it around to himself. I feel as if I'm playing a tug of war with getting support from one another.

 

Sometimes he'll back down, take all the blame etc. Which I hate. Because I know it takes two for a relationship and to figure things out. But no matter how many times I tell him this he doesn't listen and carries on backing down.

 

I'm almost giving up with this. When we're together (Online relationship at the moment as I'm at uni) everything is perfect. But when we're not, everything falls apart. I love the guy, but I'm just tired of the lack of support I get, for me quitting smoking (He has said 'well done' once in these last 3 weeks.), for my exams, for when I feel a bit lonely without him.

 

I don't know if it's me asking for too much... Being a horrible girlfriend for him. Or if it's him.

And I’ve tried to talk to him about this briefly (Trying not to be so harsh) and he’s either gotten mad, started to swear.. Or backed down and said it’s all his fault, therefore making me feel terrible.

 

Just... Any advice would be appreciated. I really don’t know what to do in this situation..

[hazy]

I was kind of in the same situation. My boyfriend constantly put me down - you need to think and realize, if you are truly happy with him. Or does he make you unhappy? You dont deserve to be unhappy - or give him an ultimatum, tell him how you feel and how things aren't working out. Sometimes a guy just needs to realize how special you are.

[Trinny]

I was kind of in the same situation. My boyfriend constantly put me down - you need to think and realize, if you are truly happy with him. Or does he make you unhappy? You dont deserve to be unhappy - or give him an ultimatum, tell him how you feel and how things aren't working out. Sometimes a guy just needs to realize how special you are.

 

Thank you for the response!

I think he does appreciate me. I think it's just upsetting me because I can't actually talk to him about this. He reaction is either to get upset, or to get angry. And I'm at a loss for words when I try to speak to him about this and we usually end up arguing and making things worse.

Is this possible to fix or work out at all? Or am I just wasting my time do you think?

[Esmerelda]

If he makes you happy then it's worth working at. But you should feel like you can talk to him. If you can't talk to him it's a sign that something isn't quite right.

If he gets upset or angry walk away before you start arguing and return to the conversation when you're both calmer?

You should tell him that he scares you when he swears - no one wants to frighten someone they love. Hopefully he'll stop or at least try to.

Does he know you have trouble coping with stress and depression? If he doesn't he may not understand the effect he has on you when he says or behaves in certain ways.

[Ms Darcy]

This comes down to establishing an open dialogue with him about your needs in a relationship. If you need support from him, how do you define support? Is it through listening, hugs, giving advice, etc? You may find that the two of you define it differently. Secondly, you need to set up boundaries. What behaviors are not acceptable in a loving, healthy relationship? For you, it may be the yelling and cursing.

 

In keeping it an open dialogue, you must discuss his needs as well. How would he feel supported? What does he want? It's time to take some time to listen to each other.