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Thinking of leaving the perfect man - am I crazy??


minerjoe

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Hi everyone

I have been in a relationship for 3 years with my current boyfriend. He is wonderful, caring, affectionate and loyal, basically the perfect boyfriend.

We got together very soon after I came out of a very painful 8 year relationship with my highschool sweetheart. I tried hard not to get into a rebound relationship so soon, to the point of actually telling him all of the terrible things that had happened in my previous one, but he was very persistent.

We have been very happy during the past 3 years. Everything was going along fine and I thought that I would be ready to settle down and start thinking about marriage and children. However I have recently started to have some nagging doubts about our relationship and whether I should even be in it.

This doubt started from feelings of attraction that I have been having towards other people. One is an old friend and the other is a new friend. At first I thought it was nothing more than harmless physical attraction, but now I am beginning to question if there is something deeper going on.

My boyfriend and I complete opposites. He is quiet, shy, doesnt really like socialising and would prefer to stay home. I am outgoing and love hanging out with my friends and doing new and exciting things. During my recovery from my last break up I was basically completely withdrawn from my usual self and so this suited my new boyfriend as he had me all to himself at home most of the time.

Now that I am starting to get back to feeling like my old self, I am finding that our differences (which I didnt really care about before) are starting to seem more and more significant. I am beginning to wonder if we really are too different to make it work in the long run.

I feel terrible for having these thoughts as I cant stand the thought of hurting him as I love him dearly and I know he would be devastated. But at the same time I am scared of carrying on in a relationship that may end up failing. I am nearly 30 years old and I dont want to spend the next 10 years of my life wasting his time and mine. I am also terrified that I may end up cheating on him as a way of ending the relationship.

 

Any comments you have would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

Confused and scared

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That really sucks. It sounds like you might be growing apart. But he probably sees it in the light that you are changing. The woman he knew before isn't the same as when he met her. Probably strange and anxiety-ridden for him, too.

 

Three years is... well... it's a normal time to question the longevity of your relationship. I don't know if it should end, but the only ones that can decide that are you and he. I think you should talk to him about your concerns and see what he thinks.

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You need to think about what makes these other men desirable to you. Is it something he could possibly fulfill for you if you even gave him half a chance? You're worrying about wasting any more of his time in a relationship you think may not have much longevity, but in all fairness, you've allowed him to waste three years of his time with you already. He should be able to have an opportunity to salvage things with you. Tell him how you feel, tell him about your attraction to other people, your fears about where your relationship is going in the future. It's keeping your feelings and doubts to yourself that's making you think you two are growing apart, and by sharing them with him, you can give him an opportunity to be exactly what you're looking for. You say he's the perfect man, so give him another month or two to prove it!

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IMHO, if there is nothing wrong with your relationship and you think you want to leave, you need to consider the possibility that your thoughts may be driven purely by subconscious fears. Some of these fears might be screwing up the "perfect" relationship, breaking someone's heart further down the line, etc. These fears may then be causing you to look for reasons to justify them (e.g. he's more of a homebody, you're more social), and thus these reasons become more "significant".

 

Also, I think attraction towards others is natural for EVERYONE, even in the most perfect loving relationships. Again, your fears may be driving you to use this as a reason to not be in this relationship. I would venture to guess that even if you left this relationship and got into another one, you would probably still not feel exclusively attracted to just one person. You've been in this relationship for 3 years, so I think it's easy to feel attraction for others because of novelty. However, I think one tends to also take for granted, all the great things that come with a stable long term relationship. Let's say you were to act on your attraction for one of these other guys. Are you certain they are a better option than your current boyfriend? Are you certain they are even an option?

 

I'm just giving you another possibility of what might be going on, not that this is the "correct" point of view.

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  • 6 years later...

Dear scared and confused,

 

While searching the internet to answers to my current personal crisis, i stumbled upon yours. Tomorrow would mark three years with my perfect boyfriend. Handsome, kind hearted, sincere, honest, good morals, good job, family oriented, etc. However, something was missing. 7 months ago I started to feel alone, and disconnected. he was focusing on working full time, and doing his MBA so he could "give me the future I deserve". He is shy, introverted, quiet with a small group of close buddies, most of which don't live nearby. I am energetic, extroverted and have a lot of close girlfriends. For 2 years and 5 months, I was perfect too. Cooked, cleaned, made every meal, baked, kept fit, made our house a home. But 7 months ago I also established feelings for a another man in my life. He was loud, funny, sexy, strong, charismatic... Oh, and married with two children. Judge me if you must. We fell for each other out of pure necessity for the fulfillment we gave one another. But he would never leave his wife in fear of losing his children, and I'd never ask him too. For 7 months, I tried to tell myself it was a fling, and if was crazy to jeopardize my relationship for lust and emotional fulfilment. But I kept asking myself, is this it? Is this what I want the rest of my life? This uncertainty and gap in my happiness? Three days before my bf and I were to fly to Europe for a two week adventure (hoping to rekindle my affections for him) he found an email that left nothing to the imagination...in the last 30 days, I have broken the perfect mans heart, I have moved into a tiny basement apartment, my first ever home alone, and although I am lost and disappointed in myself, I am relieved. My family and friends think I am crazy, but I know choosing to leave (he offered to forgive me) was the right thing for us both. He deserves a women who doesn't have doubts in her love for him, and I deserve the passion I strayed looking for. I only share my story because life is short, and it's very, very important to live your own story. It may feel selfish, but in the end, you will be happier, and leave less casualties on the love battle field. Good luck.

 

Living my own story.

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The road you're on to breaking hearts and walking away from a true gem is a mistake that if it turns out not to be worth it in the end, you will be haunted by it for the remainder of your natural life. Of course you will go on to meet, greet and date other men with you possibly getting married and having your own children. You may even go on to marry a man of wealth and supreme power. But in the back of your mind as you stare accross the ocean at night from your beach house, after all the magic dust has settled, it'll come back to you. After you've been around the world and had a chance to stare through the glass pane of yesteryear and reminisce on long flights to Paris about your past life, it will come back to you. It probably won't come back to you to the point that you pick up whatever phone is nearby, but you will be tempted to. He'll be somewhere in the world... somewhere out there and you probably won't see him again. But you will definitely remember him and remember how good he treated you when you were together and subconsciously, someday you will use him as a measuring stick toward every other man you meet. Not because you want him back necessarily, but because deep down you know that what you left behind was true gem. And you know in your heart somewhere, that same level of love and commitment he once gave to you, someone else is reaping the benefits of. And if by then you haven't found what you're looking for, you will feel even worse.

 

The above paragraph is completely opinionated, clearly. But I just know how these things tend to play out when you walk away from someone stable in exchange for someone fun. What's fun and what's thrilling initially will also subside after a while. Pretty soon that will get boring too. My dear, are you sure about walking away from the "perfect guy?" They don't come around too often. Very well, if that is your wish, I commend you for having the courage to admit this and allow him the opportunity to be happy. That takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to do. Most people would try to still keep him and have fun with their cake on the side. If you could just do me one favor if you do decide to go in that direction? Don't ever say that you've never had a crack at the perfect guy. Please. Some women go their entire lives looking for Mr. Right. Good women. Deserving women. You had an opportunity, you know what that's life, billions of other women don't and would kill to be in your shoes. That may not mean a lot to you if you're unhappy, but just remember that you had an opportunity so don't continue this vicious trend of male bashing into wild dogs when you've had an obedient one stand at your side.

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