How is it that some exes can be friends and others cannot - ever??

[zestygirl]

It's been about 2 months since me & him broke up.

 

I was devastated by his lack of grief....and his immediate "ability" to be "best buddies" and cheerfully smile and give me thumbs up when I went on dates....at first I thought it was an act, but then he admitted he'd used the last year of our relationship to get over me, a luxury he had not afforded me due to his dishonest continuation of our relationship, without notifying me of his plan to leave once he felt better/and was ready...

 

I saw a picture of him on facebook today with his new girlfriend, and realized that I wish a horrible, disfiguring death upon both of them. (I have another ex from 8 years ago, who although I do not love and want nothing whatsoever to do with, I take glee in seeing him cry and whine over his child support arrears...and secretly smile smugly when I hear gossip of his life's struggles)....

 

I really don't think I'm a horrible person, but I wonder - what is it that some exes can be such close buddies?? It will never happen for me....I know it. In fact, the last thing I did about a month ago was to take myself out of his life completely, and send his new gf a nasty message that he was cheating on her - the only means I had left to hurt him (or, hopefully hurt him - is that sick)?

 

I wonder about the future, and whether I will ever be able to get over our 8 year stint as a family....and I believe that I will never, ever want to do anything to make him feel good. In fact, with luck - I will see him fall, while I heal and rise. Then, I feel, there will be justice....as I cannot help but see him as the bad guy....

 

I've bee told that revenge doesn't feel good in the long run...but so far, I have to disagree. Slapping my ExEx with a child support order still feels great 3 years later, and sending the ugly, hate filled message to my New Exes gf still makes me feel satisfied...I think "boy, I'm glad I didn't bow out gracefully...the pathetic ex gf who is gradually swept under the rug while being patted on the head and told - 'why yes, we are still friends'".

 

My desire to see 'justice' is far greater than my desire to see him find happiness...why is that so wrong?

[Aeryn]

I'm not sure. Every person and every situation is unique. Some people can just cope and handle a friendship better than others...but it also, I guess, depends on the ex, how yalls relationship was, and how things ended.

 

My most recent ex--I don't foresee myself being his friend. Ever. And it's because I'm deeply in love with him. I will always be in love with him, and I know for a fact I will always believe that he was "The One" I should have spent my life with. I'm not exaggerating, I'm serious. I do not believe in True Love, Soul Mates, or The One, unless it is with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't believe in any of that stuff period. So, I cannot be his friend.

[zestygirl]

Precisely.

 

It causes me so much pain to KNOW that he did not love me (or my kids)....if he did, there is no way he could have left the way he did.

 

Knowing that I was so devoted to someone so false is too heartbreaking for me to ever consider wanting to be his friend. The betrayal is far too deep....I can't think of anything that has ever hurt me more.

 

How do you forgive someone who has raped your spirit, your life, and then laughs in your face with a smiling new "sult" at his side to rub in the fact that he prefers life without your love????

[skyblue69]

OMG i am so glad you started this thread zestygirl. I feel EXACTLY the same way. How can someone throw you away so easily like a disposable razor?

 

When my bf dumped me to "move in" with his ex I was devastated. Today was the day he was moving in with her. I was praying for rain and bad weather; unfortunately, it turned out to be the most beautiful day of the year..oh well.

 

I cant stand the thought of him having sex with someone else, waking up with them, spending the day with them ,and basically BONDING with them while he DISTANCES himself further and further away from me... while getting closer to her.

 

For me, it's all in the way he ended it. He just made his decision and didnt think twice. He couldnt care less about me. He didnt consult me or anything. I was trash. He went out of his way to be cruel instead of ending on "good terms."

 

I told him i didnt want to be second place and then he says youre not 2nd place youre more like 5th or 6th.

 

My friends will try to comfort me and say "karma will get him", but the bottom line is that i lost someone i really did love.

 

He's not thinking about me or being miserable these last 3 months like i have been.

 

He's out having fun and "banging" his ex everyday, and having the time of his life while im having the WORST pain & hurt imaginable. It's to the point i wish i never met him.

 

I know he will come crawling back in a few months, but by that time it will be too late.

 

He is "used." All of the sex he's having with his ex... I dont want "sloppy seconds". I wanted him now... not 6 months from now after he's all "sexed out" with his ex.

 

It will never be the same , and anyone who hurts me that bad witout thinking twice about it will never be in my life again no matter how much i secretly wish our relationship could of worked.

 

 

How can someone say he loves you but doesn't want to be your boyfriend (because he wants to "move in" with his ex instead)?

 

I know in my heart that he never loved me. I'm just FURIOUS that he would say he loves me in the first place when he's really "in love with" his ex. I feel so used having been strung along.

 

The whole situation just sucks, and I'm sorry for rambling.

 

Best wishes.

[zestygirl]

I feel old, used up and without a future. Maybe that's why I'm so bitter....I wasted the last of my 20's and half of my 30's....now he's left me here to start all over, with nothing to show for it but wrinkles and a broken heart.

 

Some might say "you chose to stay with him" that is true. I always chose to stay, and I would always have stayed, it is he who left. So it's not really that I chose to stay, but that he chose to leave. Maybe I didn't have an ideal situation with him, but until I saw his behaviour when he left - I always believed that he loved me. Learning that he in fact DIDN'T love me transformed 8 years of memories into ugly lies and revealing truths that are like torture to remember.

 

This is Bitterness. Period. I used to believe that bitterness was the immature emotion of the selfish and ignorant, now I know that bitterness it the howling, tortured child of emotional anguish and betrayal.....I'm living it. It seems the only thing that quiets this pain a little is the idea that maybe, just maybe, some of it can be sent along his way....

 

Hey, at least I'm honest.

 

It's possible that I will end up alone and miserable. Right now, who's to say? There really aren't any guarantees that I will ever find happiness or a true love, even if I follow the healthy plan and do everything right - I could still end up looking for the rest of my life without ever finding someone to share it with, getting more desperate and unattractive with each passing day. Look around you, there are folks who have "tried really hard" everywhere....some living under bridges, some wasting away in retirement homes with no wedding bands. I feel tricked, cheated, and victimized. At least the idea of revenge has the tone of reaction to it....albeit negative. Reaction, of course, is something that liberates one from the status of victim to the status of empowered.

 

To Perfect: Okay, I'm getting very negative and it's late, I know. i just don't feel free today, although I see the logic in your words. I just can't see my way to feeling free today.

[Struggling23]

I refuse to be downgraded into friendship they can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

[Cat76]

I refuse to be downgraded into friendship they can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Well said Struggling23, I love it

[zestygirl]

THANK YOU.

 

I was so worried I was going to get a flood of self-righteous/pity responses: "You should forgive him and be the bigger person" etc....

 

That image brings to mind something akin to a rape victim (You may say this is a strong analogy...but, psychological/emotional/spiritual rape for 8 years vs. one physically sexual rape? There may be a valid comparison here indeed)....can you imagine the feelings of a victim told: "Putting him in jail won't make you feel better. You should forgive him. He is suffering too"....anyway, seems a little coarse, huh?

 

Jail is a form of vengence, isn't it? Adultery used to be a crime - only now I can understand the reasoning....Crimes of passion used to be empathized with on a separate level than calculated crimes...no longer...

 

So many have shoved the "Forgive & Forget" glurge down our throats, we have been denied our feelings of suffering, of legitimate victimization - and our desire to see the universe dish out some kind of justice are labelled immature, unhealthy, selfish, and counter-healing.

 

F that.

 

If I found out tomorrow that he gave his girlfriend an STD and they broke up, I'd have a good day.

[Pixiedoc]

Hey, do you know what, it is REALLY healthy to be angry rather than in despair and soooo sad that you feel like the victim

 

Also, you DO have something at the end of this -

 

Firstly your lovely child.

 

Secondly the strength to go on and despise how poor his behaviour/treatment of you was.

 

Thirdly, (and trust me I have been there) LOTS of opportunity to move on from this and have a great future.

 

Take care.

 

p.s. He probably did think he loved you for a while but eventually wasn't mature enough to understand what that really means in real life.