zestygirl

Thank you. I did write this...it's where I feel I am many days. It's nice to know others relate....Do we all feel like this at certain times? As though the love has become secondary to the fact that we are so much a part each other that either of us could get away with so much more than we should - simply because our addiction to one another is so deep and irrevocable?

Being entwined.... so different so dangerous And not like being in love, But being aligned, heart to mind - Eyes to soul, breath to breath to breath. But a tangled affair, whether passioned or fair... is tangle, is a mess. A knot takes it's toll, is indifferent, to circumstance or emotion. A knot knows it's role - It knows only to bind, regardless of kind - will bind to death, to death to death...

As a fellow fan, I must add some of my own Smiths favorites (please forgive me, or hang the D.J.) "I know it's over...and it never really began, but it my heart - it was soo real - and you even spoke to me and said: 'If you're so funny - why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very good looking - why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining - why do you sleep alone tonight?' Because...tonight, is just like any other night." "Last night I dreamt, that somebody loved me. No hope, no harm - just another false alarm....Last night I felt, real arms around me. No hope, no harm just another false alarm.....The story is old, I know, but it goes on." and, my favorite: "I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...but heaven knows I'm miserable now. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job....and heaven knows I'm miserable now - "In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I Live or die? "Two lovers entwined pass me by, and heaven knows I'm miserable now, 'oh -you've been in the house too long', she said - and I naturally fled, "In my life life, why do I smile at people who I'd much rather - kick in the eye?" I could trade with you all day, Senna! Shoplifters of the world, unite! zesty

Oh dear... I think I understand how you feel. Me an my bfriend are having serious issues, and it hurts so much you just want to die. I bet she really loves you, although you didn't go into the length of your relationship, your age, or how long you dated before deciding to marry. Anyway, assuming she loves you the way you love her, I'm not sure the no contact rule is the best way to go just yet. She is clearly frightened and confused, justifiably so, I think the no contact rule is better for maybe other situations. I think you should approach her gently to feel out her response, maybe call her (once! not over and over!) and let her know that you love her, that you are aware that you have made some mistakes, that you are willing to slow the pace of things, and that if she wants to sit down and work on it with you...you want to work on things too. THEN you can leave her to her own devices. This, of course, is assuming that you haven't already done all of this...if you have already extended the olive branch to her, than, that is really all you can do. Good Luck.

Well. My boyfriend of 3 years have had our ups and downs...I have always been one to be the optimist and he the pessimist. Me the dreamer, he the realist. You get the picture. Anyway, it seems lately that although we admit that we are deeply in love with eachother, it feels like he is trying to let go....I'm very confused, maybe even wrong, but, it seems like he hates me at times, because our personalities are so different. I tried to fix things a few weeks ago by suggesting we don't hang out for a while, and that I have my sister move in with me. He flipped out and lamented that if I did that - it would be the end of us. This was just two weeks ago. But, two nights ago, we were talking on the phone, and he was getting annoyed with some topic I wanted to talk about - then, he just blurted out: "Maybe we should just be friends..." it hit me like a train, we have been in arguments and said stuff like this to eachother many times, but, something in 'the way' he said it rang differently, and I immediately thought "Oh my God, he's cheating on me..." the only explanation that I have for this thought is the fact that he has lateley been getting home late from work (putting in overtime to earn extra cash, he has told me) something he's never done in the past. On the surface, I have nothing to be suspicious of, but, somehow...I just don't know how to describe this nagging thought. Is it the voice of my own insecurity? Or things he has said and done, that although barely noticeable to me consciously, have somehow added up in my sub-conscious, suggesting this awful conclusion? So, I told him fine - basically that if that was the way he wanted it, I was happy to agree, and we could talk more in a couple of weeks, then I hung up curtly. Every time we have had this kind of spat in the past, he has called right back to smooth things out...there has never been a day we haven't seen or talked to eachother since we met...and yet I knew I wouldn't hear back from him. Funny, how your instincts about your lover flow through your veins like icewater. I am starting to feel physically sick...at the thought that I may have to go to bed tonight without speaking with him. Without knowing where he is or what he's doing, and unable to bring myself to "crack" and be the first to call. I just can't imagine my life without him in it...but, I may be faced with this reality pretty soon. He is sending me mixed messages...he knows where I stand, that I am devoted to us for the long haul...I don't know what the hell he wants. Anyone been through this? How do you know when it's time to let go and time to hang on and work at it? And if you do let go - how do you get on with your life?

You seem to have been bullied and mistreated a lot in your life. That is not fair, and you are not responsible for the terrible effects it has had on you. Having said that though, you are responsible for your future. For one thing, you sound very shy. But, being shy isn't necessarily a fault ..it is OKAY to be shy, you know. I used to keep a lot of friends I didn't care about because I felt like they put "notches in my belt", then I realized, I had very few friends that I ACTUALLY cared about. I now correspond regularly with 2. That's it. There are ways for you to have a fulfilled life, and really not have to change much. Stop regretting who you are. Forget your cousins, forget your family too, if they truly don't want to give you a chance. As they say, you can't pick your family. Your cousin's sending back those tickets wasn't a reflection upon you, it was a reflection of them. Be strong enough to know this is the truth. I think you might gain leaps and bounds in your level of happiness if you met a special girl. There are a lot of free internet and telephone dating services where very shy people are able to go and interact with other lonely people. Give alternative ways of socializing a chance...there are also singles that advertise in newspapers. Even if you don't meet "the one" these methods of setting up dates for yourself would keep your Friday nights full, and you may even meet a few friends. Also, you'd get some practice being around girls, and learn what type of girl you like. I know it sounds cliche, but, if you really crave interaction, there are also a lot of clubs in colleges where you can meet people who have similar interests to you. By the way, you don't need to make all kinds of friends and sleep with all kinds of girls. Really, you only need ONE good friend, and ONE good girl. You sound like a really great person, (after all, you are in college making something of yourself...you have a future). Do what comes naturally for you! You don't need to change yourself, just change your methods to suit who you already are.

What the heck do you mean you were only sitting on him because he was there? That makes NO sense...would you have sat on your brother or sister or Mother's lap like that? You know darn well that what you did held a sexual component and was not appropriate...even if it was only motivated by the urge to cuddle. Your fiance has every right to be angry. You need to admit that what you did was wrong, and also admit the reason's that you did it. Saying there was "no reason" is untrue-just a way of avoiding the real motivations, and likely to tick him off even more. Good luck, girl.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and encouraging words. They echo, really, the answers that have been inside me all along... You all are correct. Ed and I have been talking, and believe me, you may not think advice does much good-but it really does. Your words really rang in my head and made me feel strong. We love eachother a lot, and, we are going to stick together. We both have our faults, I guess. The bottom line though - is, we have to listen to one another. My life situation causes him stress because he loves me. He is rude and nasty because he is stressed. We need to fix this, I need to try to make my life less of a roller coaster for my sake and my kids sake, perhaps for the sake of him and me too - and he needs to appreciate me for all that I am, rather than focusing on the things I need to fix ALL the time. Thank you all again so much for your advice. It really was helpful.

Hello, I know from experience that above all addictions, is the addiction to a person...their voice, their smile, their touch. It's very hard to let go of. I also know we find it difficult to follow the ideas & advice of others, you will do - ultimately - what you are driven to do, most likely - right or wrong. That being said I CAN tell you the RIGHT answer, as difficult as it is. REGARDLESS of whether he really likes you still, or doesn't want to be with you, NOT calling him is the right choice in both scenarios. WHY? If it's over: you will avoid extending your grief - by exposing yourself to his lack of emotion and/or waiting days on end for calls to be returned that never will. If it's NOT over: he already knows you want to be with him, so he will come to you when he's ready, and in the meantime - you retain your dignity and have a chance to decide if it's over for YOU without him interfering in YOUR decision process. Afterall, you have trust issues with him, as you've said. If it really is over: - stay busy - tear your mind away from thoughts of him by force. (Don't listen to sad music or write poetry about him!!) - Promise yourself each day, that just for today, you won't call...but can think about it again tomorrow. - Write down the reasons why it's a really bad idea to phone him...(i.e. - making a fool of yourself if he really has discarded you!) and the reasons why he's not a good match for you anyway. - Call your girlfriends when you get the urge, or leave the house and go spend money, or do whatever it is you do to deal with stress - take a bath maybe, or a nap. It will get easier after a few days. If you can do this, I can promise that underneath the ache you feel each night before you go to sleep, you will feel prideful and increasingly stronger. Remember, most importantly though... This Too, Will Pass. Good luck, Sweetie. From: Someone-who-may-need-to-take-her-own-advice-Really-Damn-Soon.

I'm not usually an advice seeker. I just feel...extremely lost. So here I go - to pour out myself to anyone who has the stomach to listen to this nauseating, repetitive crap... (Doesn't it always seem so much more profound when it's happening to you???) Well. I aplogize in advance, as I have a feeling I'm going to be long-winded..... I've been dating Ed for almost three years..he's five years younger than me, but, it's never seemed to matter much. I'm thirty and he's twenty-five. I am a single mom of two kids, and I have had to fight out an existence...ever since I made the decision to have my first child on my own, thereforeeee accepting a much more difficult life than I would've had otherwise. Well, the problem is exactly this. He is getting places in life since I've met him. Saving money, leaving old demons behind....working hard and getting ahead. We don't live together, but he spends several days a week at my place. He doesn't have his own place, but still lives rent-free with Mom & Dad. Anyway, I just seem to keep floundering my way through life-getting back up and fighting my way out of each new difficulty - having a child in the hospital (which cost me a job!) Getting laid off from another. Each time, I've managed to walk that fine edge without falling off. Three Steps forward, Two Steps back as they say. I've been doing it for ten years. He thinks this makes me a failure, that I could be better prepared to prevent these follies, and be further ahead by now. I'm not sure....I guess I could, but, it is really hard to support two kids with NO help from their Dad or anyone else. I have had really good jobs though...working my way up from reception to a professional level. Well, now I find myself in yet another mire...having lost another job...too many absenses (I end up having to stay home with my children a lot when they're too sick to attend day care, yet too young to be home alone). I guess it's my fault in some ways, afterall, they're my kids...nonetheless, he has made me feel really terrible about the whole thing...nothing short of a complete failure. He calls it "trashy". He's basically said he's had it with my crap and doesn't want the hassle of "me and my baggage" (meaning my children, and my lack of a good job right now..although I've accepted a min. wage job to get by...) he says he's sick of my instability and that the instability is MY fault. I have adored this guy for three years. Who has done the sweetest things for me on so many occasions, who really has fulfilled me emotionally, as much as I've fulfilled him, I suppose. He has been so good for me -and to me - in so many ways. But, he seems so annoyed and fed up now - and I'm fed up with his horribly negative attitude toward me. We've decided to take a break and not talk to eachother for a while - to think. I wonder if I'm holding him back from success, perhaps I need to let him go because he can do so much better without me. I feel like I'm making him miserable with my problems, he never chose to have any kids, yet he has to deal with them all the time - a fact which he reminds me of frequently. He says he tries to push me and use "tough love" to help me succeed. He says I shouldn't whine about my lot in life...that since I've accepted three times the responsiblity by having three to look after, I need to expect to work three times as hard as everyone else. He has never supported me financially, though. Of course I've never wanted him to. He doesn't have a car and I pick him up every weekend - a 1 hour drive each way (my kids hate it). He pays for everything when we go out, and gets food most weekends, and watches my kids sometimes. But, I pay for the sitter when we go out and buy all the regular groceries, and of course, gas and long distance phone bills (he doesn't pay phone bills on his end - Mom & Dad pay it). Yet, he says I cost him money. He doesn't see that just between the driving and food alone, I spend the same if not more - and can scarcely afford it, unlike him (Mr. Moneybags). I'm torn between being angry and broken hearted and missing him and hating him. I don't even know if he's right or wrong anymore...it's like I've forgotten how to think for myself, how to figure out what the truth about me is. Am I the failure he says I am? Or am I a success? Truly, I haven't a clue. I used to think I knew who I was. Have I destroyed his life, or has he destroyed mine?