Sick of her head games.

[and again]

Pixiedoc, yes she said quite a few things, that she thought she had lost me for good, didnt think she was good enough for me, had thought about me everyday, had made a fake face book account up to see what i was doing, had slept with the teddy i had bought her for xmas everynight. We lost a baby , only had known about it a week before we split, wk later she lost it. She said maybe in a couple of months she would be pregnant again.

We slept together , met up twice got on great like we hadnt been apart, then she said she wanted to be on her own, and couldnt promise me she could ever have a full on relationship. She doesnt want anyone else and that i do believe.

[Pixiedoc]

Finding out you are pregnant AND losing a baby is just about the most traumatic thing that can happen to you - I'm so sorry to hear about that.

 

For the moment I'm sure you are both traumatised, and we deal with these things in very different ways sometimes.

 

If you love her reassure her you are there for her in whatever capacity you feel you can handle at the moment.

 

Have you got family/friends who are there for you as well as you will need people to support you who care about you..

 

Take care.

[and again]

I have told her from the beginning that i am there for her, she broke down sat, i held her and talked her through it. I ont get how she walked back into my life after 5weeks nc then straight back out again in under a week, and it went better than what anybody could have expected after 3 months apart.

[Unquestionable]

Ok, so I did what I said I would do. I approached her today and told her what my only two options are (to stay if she wants this to work, or to leave and get over it).

 

Instead of a long diatribe of what happened, I'll just show the conversation, as it happened online:

 

B - Me, H - Her

 

B says:

*I think I've came to the point where I only have two options left here, which is upsetting to think about but it's true. At the moment I can either stay here and carry on how I am, which I would be happy to do if you and I was something you were willing to have a shot at at some point....Or, I can go away for a while to try and get past this enough to be able to handle it, which is what I'll have to do if you don't want me anymore.

 

You know how I feel for you, my cards are on the table so to speak. So my path from here on will depend on what it is you want to do. I know you dont want a relationship now, and Im not asking you to have one. All I want to know really is, is 'you and I' something that you want eventually. If it is you know I'll be here and work at it, but if you dont want me then Im going to have to think of my own health and happiness and do what I can to get by this. I'm getting a bit upset thinking about it , but they're unfortunately my only options

*Im not pushing you into being with me right now, I rather just need to know how you feel, if Im still that special to you or if you really would rather do with out me. If its the latter then Im distraught its got to this but I just have to accept it

H * * * * * * * says:

*go away for a while?

B says:

*yeah

H * * * * * says:

*to where?

B says:

*I dunno, anywhere to get away and keep myself busy

*until it doesnt hurt anymore

*that is of course, if you really dont want me again

H * says:

*its hard though

*cause i dont want us now

*but i couldnt imagine never having it again

B says:

*I know what you mean

H * says:

*but i also dont want to be leading you on

B says:

*I know

*I dont want you to be offended when I say this. But the reason I'd need to go away would be to get over this. Obviously Id need to get over it if we're not going to be together again, and I couldnt do that with you around

H * * * says:

*i could just not contact with you if you wanted?

H * * * says:

*i could just like not speak to you if you wanted

B says:

*no its fine

*Id need to get away and do something

*sitting here all day wouldnt get me anywhere

H * * * * * * * * * * says:

*you have uni though

B says:

*it depresses me even more lol

*I sit on the train in the morning and think about when we used to text each other nice things in the morning

*I torture myself like that

H * * * * * * says:

*

B says:

*I dont want to get over you. I love you so much. It just might be whats needed if you wont have me again

*and by 'again' I dont mean now, I mean at all

H * * * * * * * says:

*i know

*but the arguments just ruined it

Bsays:

*I know

*we've learned how not to argue now, I just dont know if its any use at this point

*Id hope so, but I dont have the answer to that

*its really hard to think about, I used to think I was a strong person. But when I look at you and think we might not be together again, I realise Im not strong at all

H * * * * says:

*i dont know

*i cant say really

B says:

*you dont know if you ever want to be with me again? Is that what you're saying?

H * * * * * * * * * says:

*yea

B says:

*I think thats an answer enough by itself. It's been a month nearly, and we spent 5 months before that together, so you know me well enough. If you arent sure by now then maybe thats a sign I just need to try and get past it

H * * * * * * * * * * says:

*right then.

*i dont know

*i cant imagine never having us again

*but i dont want it rightnow

B says:

*while Im glad your not down or anything

H * * * * * * * says:

*i am

*axctually.

B says:

*just now or generally?

H * * * * * * * * says:

*well just now hasnt helped the general part

B says:

*its just you seem really happy going out with your friends and doing things, which isnt wrong or anything. But when I go out with mine I spend my time trying to forget all of this and it doesnt completely work. I never forget about it

*it just seems to me that you're able to get by it more than I am, and thats whats making me think I need to help myself

H * * * * * * * * * says:

*you dont drink as much as i do to try and forget about everything.

 

 

After this she started talking about the arguments ruining it when we were together, and how even though we get along brilliantly now it would just revert back to that. I told her I wasnt in the business of trying to persuade her of things, but all I would say is that I have changed what I used to do to cause some of our arguments and plan on sticking to that, and that us now is just how we've evolved.

 

She came out with more reasons, like money issues and not seeing each other enough. I gave her viable solutions to those problems but also said that it seems shes made up her mind as she keeps making reasons to which she quickly responded 'I havent actually'.

 

It levelled out there with her still sticking to not knowing what she wants in the future but repeating how she cant ever imagine us never being together again, so I again told her that perhaps the being apart is whats needed.

 

She again asked where I was going to go, but I didn't give an answer. She seems very concerned about what Ill be up to in my absence but Ill let her wonder.

 

We were supposed to see a stage show in May, which we had spoke of me going over to her for still, but because of this absence I told her I would keep the tickets for another few weeks and gave her a date, after which I said Id put them up for sale.

 

So she knows how it stands now. She was supposed to go out tonight before this convo happened, but after it said she was just going to bed, and insisted something was bothering her aside from this but wouldnt say what. I didnt push her to tell me what it was, rather said I needed to go out and ended it with 'you know where I am' to which she said 'ditto', and that was the end of it.

 

Thoughts on this?

[Unquestionable]

And just now, after going offline she texts me saying 'I do actually really love you. I know its the wrong time, sorry x'

 

No idea how to respond to that

[quirky]

how long were you dating each other?

I have to say you do come accross sweet, loving not selfish...something tells me though she needs a more assertive approach.

What can you respond anyway, as the saying goes "actions speak louder than words"

I feel you gotta leave it for a while, focus on other stuff, show some faith and patience

[Ms Darcy]

"I asked her if she loved me, because I needed a bottom line on this stupid situation and her reply was 'Not like I did'. As you can imagine that cut deep, I asked 'is that it, gone forever then?' her reply being what she usually says to any crucial question: 'I dont know'."

 

Ok, she doesn't love you like a gf should.

 

"After this I try to prove the pont by asking if theres anyone shed like to have rather than me, her answer being 'no' I said 'then cant we just stop ignoring how we feel and act like it'...she replies with 'no. we cant', simply because she 'doesnt want to'."

 

She has no desire to work on creating a relationship.

 

"To me that was uncalled for. She flirts with me when she wants to, tells me Im perfect and talks to me about us having sex but then she can turn aruond and say she isnt worried if we lose it altogether?"

 

She's making a very telling statement here. It shows that you are fulfilling a need for her to not be alone and to feel attractive. She knows you'd do anything for her and it's nice for now.

 

"What sort of a horrible human being am I dealing with here? I've told her all of this, I accused her of leading me on with her sexual talk, flirtation and constantly wanting to see me on cam and have me phone her, I asked her why she speaks that way to someone she supposedly doesnt want and her reply is 'I dont know'."

 

You can choose not to be lead on as well. Also, it's sounds to me that she's lonely and sad from the breakup.

 

The whole fiasco today ended with her saying 'I dont want it', I ask 'now or ever?' and her reply is 'I dont even know'. I said she'd know once we met and she replies with 'I wont. Il just feel like i have to be a couple again cause your here'. i try to explain that she wont do anything she doesnt want to and that she wants to see me anyway, but she doesnt reply to that.

 

"I'm so sick of this. I love her with all my heart but she's so selfish and blunt, and she never knows anything."

 

It sounds like she does know something; that she doesn't want to try with you again because the memories are fresh and strong in her memory.

[Unquestionable]

I replied to the text in my last post with 'Im glad. You just have to work out if you want me x' to her reply was 'yeah x'.

 

I didnt respond after that, but following it she kept sending me texts, making simple conversation, things like 'what you up to? x' even though she already knew I was going out.

 

I replied sparingly, then later in the night when I hadnt replied to her in a while she rang me. I didnt get the call with being out so I text asking what she wanted and she rang again - again I couldnt answer with being out and she text with 'you seem to be ignoring my calls, doesnt matter', I replied with 'I'm out, havent got home yet'.

 

After this her reply was 'ok', which she usually does when shes annoyed, so I replied with 'why are you annoyed just cos I cant have a phonecall when out?' to which she said 'why can u not? im not annoyed. just wanted a chat. have a good night'.

 

This really annoyed me, because a while ago before she went out I playfully asked if Id be getting any tipsy texts and her reply was 'Ill be out, I wont be glued to my phone', yet she expects me to have a phone call with her while I'm out? I said this to her by responding with ''you barely even text me when youre out but expect me to have a call when i am? what? Its too loud to talk, thats why I cant', after this she said 'sorry, night'.

 

I said good night to her, but 10 minutes later she sends another random text, seemingly trying to bring the mood up. She says shes unable to sleep and I reply saying Im chatting to my family, to which she says only 'cool'. I ask if somethings wrong, she says 'nah, you?', I say 'nope. Im fine' and she replies with 'gd'.

 

I dont reply to her after that, as she's being oddly short with her replies, and we havent spoken yet today either.

 

Not sure what she's doing.

[Unquestionable]

I replied to the text in my last post with 'Im glad. You just have to work out if you want me x' to her reply was 'yeah x'.

 

I didnt respond after that, but following it she kept sending me texts, making simple conversation, things like 'what you up to? x' even though she already knew I was going out.

 

I replied sparingly, then later in the night when I hadnt replied to her in a while she rang me. I didnt get the call with being out so I text asking what she wanted and she rang again - again I couldnt answer with being out and she text with 'you seem to be ignoring my calls, doesnt matter', I replied with 'I'm out, havent got home yet'.

 

After this her reply was 'ok', which she usually does when shes annoyed, so I replied with 'why are you annoyed just cos I cant have a phonecall when out?' to which she said 'why can u not? im not annoyed. just wanted a chat. have a good night'.

 

This really annoyed me, because a while ago before she went out I playfully asked if Id be getting any tipsy texts and her reply was 'Ill be out, I wont be glued to my phone', yet she expects me to have a phone call with her while I'm out? I said this to her by responding with ''you barely even text me when youre out but expect me to have a call when i am? what? Its too loud to talk, thats why I cant', after this she said 'sorry, night'.

 

I said good night to her, but 10 minutes later she sends another random text, seemingly trying to bring the mood up. She says shes unable to sleep and I reply saying Im chatting to my family, to which she says only 'cool'. I ask if somethings wrong, she says 'nah, you?', I say 'nope. Im fine' and she replies with 'gd'.

 

I dont reply to her after that, as she's being oddly short with her replies, and we havent spoken yet today either.

 

Not sure what she's doing.

[Pixiedoc]

Not sure what she's doing.

 

She's doing the same as before.

 

From your conversation the only time you got her to express any concern was when you said you might go away - as soon as you starting saying how much you love her and are lonely she backs away.

 

The clear message is she does not want a relationship with you right now, but is clinging on to you as a safety blanket.

 

You really need to carry out your promise to cut contact and go away, for your own peace of mind and to show her you are serious about this.

[Unquestionable]

She's doing the same as before.

 

From your conversation the only time you got her to express any concern was when you said you might go away - as soon as you starting saying how much you love her and are lonely she backs away.

 

The clear message is she does not want a relationship with you right now, but is clinging on to you as a safety blanket.

 

You really need to carry out your promise to cut contact and go away, for your own peace of mind and to show her you are serious about this.

 

It just hurts to think that she cares so little and is using me in such a way.

 

I knew she didnt want a relationship right now, I had just hoped it was because of other things going on with her and that she wasnt just using me as an ego boost. But it appears that's exactly whats going on, if it's what everyone seems to think.

[servedcold]

She's keeping you around on the backburner while she solidifies whatever she is pursuing. Just fade out, nothing you can say will make the situation better, only worse, sorry to say.

[Clabs]

Hi Unquestionable

 

I am afraid that I agree with the other posters here that you are being used as a safety net. It is the classic push/pull behaviour. She throws some shreds of hope, you grab a hold of that and move towards her, she immediately backs away. - rinse and repeat.

 

My ex pulled a similar stunt on me and I foolishly clung to every last bit of hope and it really did my head in. It was only when I came on here that my eyes were opened to what was really going on, and I decided to put a stop to it. All I can say is that I wish I had found this place earlier because I would have saved myself a whole lot of time and heartache.

 

It is tough when you come to the realisation that you have basically been taken for a love fool - like you, I never knew my ex cared so little to be able to to treat me so shoddily. But that knowledge kind of propelled me forward.

 

Walk away mate while you are still sane!

 

Mark

[Unquestionable]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support.

 

This is quite overwhelming, I must say. I hadn't truly considered that she didn't actually care for me and was just using me as a comfort toy.

 

I had always thought perhaps she just had too much on her mind (various family issues, being unable to find work and fund herself).

 

But nothing is certain for me anymore, maybe it is as I thought or maybe it's the just as likely scenario of her plain using me.

 

I guess now I have to make up my own mind, based on all of your unbias views and my own knowledge of her as a person.

 

She has tried to contact me today since I first posted. She posted a comment on my profile on a networking site we use, nothing major, just a humorous picture.

 

I didn't reply.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey mate,

 

She does probably care about you. But not enough to be in a relationship with you. That's the real point here. I know it's hard. Best.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey mate,

 

She does probably care about you. But not enough to be in a relationship with you. That's the real point here. I know it's hard. Best.

[Unquestionable]

Hey mate,

 

She does probably care about you. But not enough to be in a relationship with you. That's the real point here. I know it's hard. Best.

 

Yeah, thanks.

 

According to her text last night she does 'really love me', but who knows whats genuine with her anymore?

 

I havent contacted her today, had a quick look at my facebook while appearing offline during the day. She's apparently off to bed (its not even 8 here), very bizarre from her but hopefully it's a sign she's getting a taste of what I've been going through.

 

Seeing that she's gone to bed has helped me think of today as a victory, there'll be no further instances where I'll have to avoid contacting her today.

 

I feel slightly stronger than usual, I realise I have some degree of control now, although it could shift at any point so I'll need to be careful with it.

 

And as selfish and horrible as it might seem, I'm glad to see it's effecting her in some way.

[Unquestionable]

So she texts me tonight, supposedly after going to bed, so I assume its while she's been in bed. A simple text saying 'Hello x'.

 

She obviously doesn't understand we're taking space to ourselves, as last night she text me frequently making small talk and today tried to contact me twice (and no doubt was trying to get my attention with her multiple facebook status changes). I decide to reply to her and try and break into convo what exactly is going on.

 

The text conversation doesnt go well, she asks how I am I say Im fine and ask how she is and after this she gets short and dry and replies with 'gd' then says 'Ill leave you alone', I tell her I dont understand why she goes like this (as she did it last night as well) but she wont tell me whats wrong.

 

I leave it a bit then say 'I hope youv been using this time to think', Ill now show you all that followed this:

 

Her: No

Me Whys that?

Her: Think about what? Your the one that needs space to think apparently.

Me: I know what I want. Do you?

Her: I've explained.

Me: Youv explained that you dont know if you want me or not. And the whole time this has went on you said nothing has changed. Thats what you need to think about, so we can decide where we go.

Her: Nowhere then.

Me: Yuod rather go day in day out with me following you around like a lost pup? That seems to be it. Your happy enough when Im around at your every call, but when it s time to give answers you say you dont want it. If you loved me at all like you said last night youd give me and our relationship some respect and think about it. Or if you find it so easy to call off then be honest and admit i mean very little to you, cos if I meant anything youd be thinking about it.

Her: Quite insulting. Thanks.

Me: Could it be anymore insulting than you telling me its over for merely asking you to think about it? Are you above making a decision here or something? What do you want me to do, just carry on wondering? No, we have possibly a loving relationship in front of us that you wont even think about. If you love me you'll want to know what we can do. Dont tell me Im being insulting by wanting you to make a decision, that's ridiculous.

 

As of yet I have no reply to this, and probably wont get one.

 

I feel I was within my rights to stand up to her how I did and wasnt insulting but rather bluntly honest.

 

Anyone disagree with what I've said?

[Unquestionable]

Anybody?..

[servedcold]

Please consider just dropping all communication with her. It's obvious she wants that support from you that says you are still there but nothing else. She is evaluating everything you say through a narrow, negative lens, and right or wrong your continued badgering is making her feel more and more justified in her decision to leave the relationship. There is really nothing more to be said at this point, and nothing you can say is going to make her change her mind.

 

Silence is the only way to have them see what life is like without you, that you are indeed gone, and more importantly, allows you to heal and move on for yourself.

[Unquestionable]

Please consider just dropping all communication with her. It's obvious she wants that support from you that says you are still there but nothing else. She is evaluating everything you say through a narrow, negative lens, and right or wrong your continued badgering is making her feel more and more justified in her decision to leave the relationship. There is really nothing more to be said at this point, and nothing you can say is going to make her change her mind.

 

Silence is the only way to have them see what life is like without you, that you are indeed gone, and more importantly, allows you to heal and move on for yourself.

 

I was trying to, I just know what would've happened had I not replied to her 'hello x' text. More than likely got the 'Oh your ignoring me now, * * * * this' response, which typically would have made it all my fault yet again, and I felt more comfortable breaking the contact on good terms.

[servedcold]

I was trying to, I just know what would've happened had I not replied to her 'hello x' text. More than likely got the 'Oh your ignoring me now, * * * * this' response, which typically would have made it all my fault yet again, and I felt more comfortable breaking the contact on good terms.

 

Exactly, in this situation, you just can't win, damned if you do, damned if you don't. She has you effectively stymied enough to only respond when SHE deems communication desirable and in a way that SHE deems appropriate. You absolutely can not win this game, hence it's best to just give her silence.

 

If you do get a "so now you are ignoring me" type text, one possible reply would be "Sorry, there just doesn't seem to be much left to talk about, and you scrutinize anything I do say harshly, there's really no need for us to speak further. Good luck to you." and then utter and complete silence on your end from that moment on. One caveat, if you decide to go this way, really mean it and stick to it for at least 2-3 months.

[Unquestionable]

Exactly, in this situation, you just can't win, damned if you do, damned if you don't. She has you effectively stymied enough to only respond when SHE deems communication desirable and in a way that SHE deems appropriate. You absolutely can not win this game, hence it's best to just give her silence.

 

If you do get a "so now you are ignoring me" type text, one possible reply would be "Sorry, there just doesn't seem to be much left to talk about, and you scrutinize anything I do say harshly, there's really no need for us to speak further. Good luck to you." and then utter and complete silence on your end from that moment on. One caveat, if you decide to go this way, really mean it and stick to it for at least 2-3 months.

 

Today was actually the first time I felt as though I had any control, since last night she had been coming running to me, making small talk, ringing me twice while out (I didnt answer as I stated above) then trying to contact me twice today.

 

It's the first time since this began that I've felt anything has been even slightly on my terms.

 

Although typically, when I stood up for myself I was in the wrong again and was 'insulting' apparently. Which is laughable really.

[servedcold]

Although typically, when I stood up for myself I was in the wrong again and was 'insulting' apparently. Which is laughable really.

 

Yes, there it is again, you absolutely can not move forward productively with someone in this frame of mind. Nothing you said was insulting in the least, but because she has 99% of the power, she can make whatever pronouncements and judgments she cares to. She has no filter of respectfully considering your words, only what she wants to hear, and in this environment, meaningful communication is impossible. Just drop it and move on. I know it is hard, but the less you can worry about her and what she thinks, the faster you can move on to a better place for yourself.