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confusing situation, can't make up my mind


magicbean
Stop Breakup Regrets - Now!
Stop Breakup Regrets - Now!

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New here, and could really use some advice (obviously). I am 21 and my boyfriend is almost 23. We've been together since August of 2005- by far my longest and most serious relationship, and his first serious relationship. I feel that for the most part, I don't have much to complain about in this relationship. But the problem is, I've grown bored with it. When we met he lived about 10 minutes away, and moved in November 2005, about 45 minutes away. So we see each other mainly on weekends. I just feel that now we're best friends who have sex on the weekends, basically. I love him and care for him, and we've been through so much together (a couple deaths in both of our families, he's been there both times when my dad was drinking very heavily in 2005, and just recently). Since October/November, we've occasionally had conversations about possibly breaking up, always initiated by me. However, we've always ended up too upset about the possibility, and then we continue to go on as if we've never had these conversations.

 

This past weekend, I visited with a friend (a guy), who I've known since I was 14 (he was my first "real" boyfriend) and have always had feelings for. However, nothing happened and we're strictly on a friendship basis right now. But seeing him made me realize how much I would like to pursue other relationships, and date other guys (not necessarily him, nothing very serious ever happened between us in the past, other than me being hopelessly in love with him). I've felt like this for a while, and when I've brought up breaking up with my boyfriend, I've told him that the reason is that I'm attracted to other people and would like the oppurtunity to pursue dating/relationships with other guys. So, he knows this about me. I think we're both just too afraid to let go- it's been almost 4 years, after all.

 

I love my boyfriend and really care about him, and my fear about breaking up is that we'll no longer talk. He said he would not be able to maintain a friendship with me, as it would just be too hard for him. I just can't bear to lose contact with someone though who has been with me through so much bull * * * * in the past (almost) 4 years. I know my desire to remain friends also stems from the fact that I would be the one doing the breaking up, and staying friends would partly assuage my guilt over doing so.

 

The only thing I'm most unhappy about in this relationship is that my boyfriend gets very jealous when I mention a certain guy friend. I have known this guy since before I met him, and we had hooked up a couple of times (but we didn't have sex). This happened before I met my boyfriend, and even a mere mention of the friend calling me once in a while makes him insanely mad with jealousy. I've been hanging out with this friend in the past couple months, but my boyfriend doesn't know. If he did, he would assume the worst, and since absolutely nothing inappropriate has happened, I keep this to myself instead of igniting a huge fight. I don't have a large group of friends, and I don't think it's fair that because of things that happened before I met my boyfriend, I should no longer be friends with this person. Basically I'm also tired of sneaking around to hang out with my guy friends for fear that my boyfriend will assume that I'm hooking up and having sex with them.

 

So, I just don't know what to do. Nothing is really wrong with the relationship- I just feel that many of the romantic feelings I had for my boyfriend have moved on, and I want to be single for a while and be able to pursue dating and flirting and possibly new relationships. Also, sexually, I'm not as attracted to my boyfriend as I once was. When we have sex, I physically enjoy it, but mentally I don't feel as into it. I'm just so afraid of having to do the breaking up, and upset at the possibility that we won't be talking/in contact afterwards (or at least for quite some time). He's like my best friend. Help?!?

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I had the same fear when I broke up with my ex. I knew I didn't want to be with him, but the idea of him not being in my life at all scared the you know what out of me. Eventually, I just did it. I couldn't take it anymore. And then I realized, I was OK without him. He's actually the one who really wants to be friends and I've been distant.

 

I know it's really scary, but if you know for sure that you aren't in love with him anymore and you've tried to get it back and it's not working, I think you need to take that plunge. You'll make other friends. You'll find other connections. You WILL be OK. But do you really want to stay with someone for however many more years when you could be out there finding someone that you truly love? And do you feel it's fair to your boyfriend to stay with him when he could be finding someone who truly loves him?

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I talked to him a couple of days ago. I basically said that while I love him and care about him, I'm confused about whether or not I want to stay in the relationship or be by myself for a while. I think he was a little surprised as things have been good lately, we haven't been having any big blowouts, it's just how I feel. I explained that that's what makes it so confusing and so hard- I do love and care about him, but how can I reconcile that with the other feelings of wanting to be alone and possibly dating other people? He said if a breakup was what I needed, than that's what I needed to do and they were my own feelings and I needed to decide what would be best for me. I asked him if taking a break would be something he could do- maybe wait out a couple weeks with no/limited contact with each other. He said he would have to think about it and would call me back. That was 2 days ago and we haven't talked. I know he's probably really sad and confused right now, so I'm not going to call and bother him at the moment, I just don't know what's going on. Is he giving me the break I need, and should I contact him in a couple weeks? I really hate this situation, I love him but I think I may need time to myself for a while, but I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I'm just so confused by the whole thing.

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