My husband cheated

[bbb31302]

First of all I am 24 years old. My husband and I have been together for 5 years but have only been married less than a year. We have a 2 year old daughter.

 

About a month ago my husband went out of town on a business trip which is not unusual because he goes out of town for weeks at a time. When he got home he admitted to me that he had sex with this girl that works in the same business as he does. They had been friends for a while. I was even friends with her. I didn't talk on the phone with her like my husband did but we talked at events. She was kind of like his assisant I guess, she helped him with different things concerning the business.

 

I was very hurt about the whole situation. First of all we haven't even been married a year. Second, this happened on the weekend of our anniversary that we met. Most important, since we have been together, his job has always been his top priority and I have always been there for him. I have moved to 3 different states with him for his job.

 

Now that the story is out of the way, I decided to stay with him. He took a whole month off of work. Now that he is back to work, he will not be working as much. He is really trying to change his priorities and I can see that. The thing is that I am worried that I will never be able to get it out of my mind. I think about it all the time and it just want go away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable over this when I could just leave and start over. But I also think that maybe this could make us stronger. I feel like such a push over. Please help

[Hopingpraying]

BBB,

 

While I know what you are going through is a very hard thing to get over it is really up to you as to whether you can do it or not.

The fact that your husband had enough respect for you to tell you about his indescretion really tells me he cares a lot about you. Most guys would not be that forthcoming and may never told you. It is obvious his guilt got to him and the reason for that is because he cares about you. It certainly would of been easier for him just to keep that too himself and hoped that it never happened again.

 

The key is communication. You didn't say whether that women still works with him or not. If she does how is he going to make sure this doesn't happen again the next time they go on a business trip together? You need to ask him that.

 

I can relate a lot to what you are going through. My wife and I are getting a divorce. She says it is for a bunch of reasons, however, I have read her emails, I know she got a cell phone without my knowledge so she could continue to talk to her boyfriend who is also married. I still feel I could forgive her because I am the only relationship she has really ever had. We have been together since she was 17. She does not really know how good or bad she has it because she has nothing to compare me too. I am hoping this guy is the jerk I think he is so he can give her a taste of what it is like to be treated badly. Who knows though. He may be a great guy and I will be out a wonderful wife.

 

It really is up to you as to whether you can forgive him or not. Maybe it would be wise for you both to go to a marriage counselor so you can get everything out in the open. The counsleor may be able to give you ways to deal with the trust issues you are bound to have after something like this happens. Most importantly you need to let your husband know for this to work he has to realize that you will have issues trusting him now and in the future and he needs to understand that.

 

Good luck. I hope it works out for you and your family. It is the kids who suffer the most.

[pdkdbdsd]

i know exactly what you are going through. my husband and i have been married for about 7 months but we have been together for 6 years. 2 months ago he came clean about an affair that he had 3 years ago. it last for about 6 months and was with a female that he worked with. they mainly just fooled around and then they tried to have sex one time and my husband could not go through with it and that is when the affair ended. we are now struggling with the fact that i have no trust for him right now and he doesn't understand that he actually has to work to regain my trust. he wants me to just forget about everything and trust him again. i let him know that he has to give me reason to trust him again. anyways if you ever want to talk about what is going on , i am pretty sure i would understand. i don't know about you but i am having a hard time excepting him talking to any females that he works with now as that is where he had the affair, during his lunch breaks at work and then when i went away. so now we constantly fight about him talking to other women right now. i know i am not good at giving advice but you just have to take things one day at a time. some days will be good days other days will be bad. anyways good luc

[Streaks]

My viewpoint here is skewed to be certain. I am in a semi-open relationship however, one point I'd like to make is this.

 

You don't realize the monumental effort it took for him (any man) to admit to you what he's done. I would wager he also had to work up to it and would have probably rather have been facing down the whole Russian army at that point. He _obviously_ loves you a great deal to do that, AND adjust his life to the degree he has. He IS TRYING to make up, by changing his work schedule and everything else so much.

 

Also when a man comes clean like that, and NOW he must ALSO "win back" or "work on" getting trust back, it is simply rubbing his nose in it. Trust me, he KNOWS what he did wrong. He fully understands it and, in this case, has not only hurt you but himself as well in the process. Be patient and he will make it up to you and win back your trust.....or he will at least try. He is already trying now. The worst thing to do however, would be to state the obvious and TELL him he has to work at getting back your trust. And here is why I say that (forgive me if this sounds badly but I'm being blunt here).....why work at winning back trust....when he's already got another woman who is not going to make demands? I can hear the sharp inhales already.....please, I'm not bashing or siding here, but trying to relate it from another point of view. You have to understand the man's thinking......to go out of his way like he has already, PROVES that he's not thinking this, so make him earn the trust....but don't goad him.

 

I hope that all makes sense, again, not trying to be inflamitory or contradictory.

 

 

 

 

Streaks - who's at work so he can't post longer

[tiger_lilies]

I totally agree with Streaks. I've been doing a lot of research on infidelity and what Streaks is saying is true. I've gone to a couples counselor and the same thing got brought up about my boyfriend confessing because the guilt got to hime. He's been on very good behaviour since the whole "incident" and I can see that he's trying his hardest to win my trust back.

 

It's been over three months now since the "incident" and I can feel myself warming up to him again. He is giving me reason to trust him again, not demanding it. This whole process has hurt me incrediably, but I can see the hurt he's going through as well.

[Xandra]

The worst thing to do however, would be to state the obvious and TELL him he has to work at getting back your trust. And here is why I say that (forgive me if this sounds badly but I'm being blunt here).....why work at winning back trust....when he's already got another woman who is not going to make demands?

 

If your husband is the kind of guy who just wants to be with a woman who isn't going to give him a hard time about cheating, why would you want to be with him in the first place? He screwed up badly. Yes, he has taken the step to confess. SO WHAT?? He still has to work on putting the pieces back together, and if you tell him that and he doesn't like it, LEAVE. HE OWES YOU. You shouldn't suffer in silence - there is a world out there with men who will not cheat. I think this advice is pitiful. Of course you shouldn't make him beg and plead every day, or humiliate him (since he probably already is), but making a demand that he acknowledge his infidelity and do what it takes to improve matters is not too much to ask.

 

To be honest with you, I wouldn't ever give a cheater a second chance because the trust I would have built up for him would be so damaged that no matter HOW LONG he tried and how faithful he was, I would always think there would be a possibility - even a small one - that it could and WOULD happen again. It's one thing to stray if you are having serious relationship problems, are separated, vulnerable, or even under the impression that your wife/ husband has been cheating on YOU. These are certain exceptions to the rule. I guess what I'm saying is that I wouldn't put myself through the heartache and *wondering*, all those business trips, every time he's an hour or so late getting home, etc. where he is and what he's doing. No way.