Broken up three weeks/have a new baby together/Help!

[crushed1224]

Hi, this is my first time posting on this site. I have seen a lot of great advice, and now I am desperately in need of some. I will tell my story in the hopes anyone out there can give me some advice and/or support.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for three years, 2 1/2 living together and we just had a baby boy last december. Three weeks ago he came home and said he was overwhelmed and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because he was too angry. That's all he said and he packed up most of his stuff and moved back in with his mom since that was the only place he could go. I did the usually stuff pleaded, cried, got mad, etc but it just seemed to make him more upset. Well we decided that he would still come over everyday to visit our son and spend about 2-3 hours with him each day. Since he is only 3 months old, we agreed that frequent contact with him and not having our baby in different environments would be best for him.

 

The tricky thing is that we just resigned our lease at the beginning of february for another year, i still drive his truck sine it is safer than mine for our baby and we still have to see each other everyday. Another thing is that we got sucked back into being intimate the first week we were broken up and that caused even more heartache. We agreed not to do that anymore since it leads to so much confusion. Anyways, he finally told me more about what he was feeling (he is very emotionally unavailable and never talks about his feelings) and he said he bottled up all of his hurt and anger over the past three years and it all came out at once after we had been under a lot of stress from having our baby. He told me that he doesn't understand how he could be so angry at me and still love me so he thought he wasn't in love with me anymore. He kept sending me really confusing signals and we ended up being intimate again tonight, but under the premise that it was a no strings attached thing.

 

I feel even worse now since we were intimate again and he ended up leaving soon after (our son was taking a nap). I am so confused. How do i do no contact when he is over at my apartment everyday to visit our son? I love this man very deeply and can't imagine my life without him. He just tells me that he needs to work stuff out on his own and has too much going on in his own head to have a relationship. Neither of us cheated, we did have frequent fights do to stress but we were always ok after we talked about it. I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I want to be intimate with him so we can stay connected, but feel so bad once it is over. Plus we have a son together so that will bind us for life together. I am very close to his family and my family was close to him except he says he is too embarrassed to call my mom because of what happened.

 

I try to distance myself from him and pull away, which makes him push closer to me and this is what happened tonight with us being together intimately. He wants to be a dad to our baby and wants to be in his life but he keeps talking about how a relationship with me won't work because he feels we aren't compatible anymore. I am 26 and he is 24 and he still likes to go out and drink on the weekends, so I'm not sure if he freaked out because of our new family or because he doesn't want to admit he isn't happy with having a baby (his dad left also when he was two months old and is a severe alcoholic). Is it me or am i just being blind? How do I try to make this relationship work if he is so emotionally closed off. He is extremely shy also around people he doesn't know so I'm not worried about him finding someone else and plus I was his first real relationship and first person he was with intimately (he partied up alot and had no interest in having a girlfriend before me).

 

Any help/advice would be great. Sorry this post is so long but I am crushed right now.

Thanks

[emma]

Hi,

 

I'm really sorry for what happened to you. It might be so hard for you who just got a baby, I know how emotional women are for few months after having a baby. I'm sure you're going to receive a lot of supportive words from people on this forum.

 

Your situation is extremely tricky, due to the baby and the fact that he is coming everyday. This thing with getting initimate is understandable in this situation, it is really hard to fight your physical attraction for both of you, especially if you love each other and still see each other everyday. Being intimate makes it really hard to really sort out other things. I would advise you for now to avoid as much as you can those physical contacts, because it makes you extremely confused, and I'm sure it makes him confused too, so he cannot really sort out his feelings and what he really wants.

 

Since there's a baby involved, you cannot cut loose with him anyway. You too have to think about the baby first, and that's what you're doing anyway. But I would just advise you to fight any temptation of getting intimate with him for now, and to fight any attempt from him. I know it's really hard, but I believe it would be much better eventually. Try your best for not discussing the relationship with him for a while when he comes and sees his son. Try to keep it very casual (I know, it's easier said than done), try to relax and take great care of yourself. I hope you have friends you can see and talk with too, that you have people around to chat with.

 

Wish you all the best, take care.

[crushed1224]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is really hard to resist being with him and he was the one who initiated it. I have been trying really hard to not talk about our relationship when he is here and have to catch myself from saying i love you to him since it was so engrained in our daily talk. I guess I am just confused as to why he would resign a lease with me and just a week prior to this happening we were discussing buying a house and getting married next year. It's like he is a different person overnight.

[Hopingpraying]

Crushed,

 

You are in a difficult situation that is for sure, but Emma is right in that you need to stop having sex with him. You are giving him his cake and letting him eat it too.

You need to set down and let him know that being intimiate with him is making it very hard on you. You need to explain that you love him very much and want to have a relationship with him. He is the one telling you that he cannot.

You can do what I am doing, a modified form of no contact. When I talk to my wife I only talk about our daughter, nothing else. She moved out so we definitely are not having any type of phyiscal relationship anymore. Not that we have for awhile.

The more difficult thing for you is that when he spends time with your son he comes to your place. Maybe when he does you could make sure you leave and go shopping or hang out with a friend while he spends time with your son for a few hours. It is best if you are not there when he does that so you are not tempted by him.

You can do no-contact even if you see him. It certainly is harder, I know it has been for me, however, it is the only way you can get yourself back together. Otherwise you will be on this rollercoaster everytime you are intimate with him.

If you do this he will see what he is missing, and if you can convince him to see a consuleor I believe it would help him sort out his issues.

 

Which I am no expert but I would think some of his issues are the fact that now that you have a child he is having to grow up quicker than he wants too. It sounds like he still wants to do all the fun go out to the bar things and neglect his responsiblities as a father. Don't hate him for this, it is a natural thing, but he needs to understand he has to compromise and be a father first. Having fun is secondary now.

 

I hope some of the things I said here help you. Good luck I hope it works out for you.

[The Morrigan]

Hoping - I was about to suggest the same thing!

 

Try using the time he's spending with your baby as "me time," even if it's to go for a walk, grocery shop, etc. Go visit a friend, drive around, anyting that gets you away for a bit. Let him sort through getting comfortable with being a dad as a separate issue from the two of you - it can be a lot to digest for someone who was living the bachelor life when reality hits. It'll also keep you from rushing to help with things like when his son cries, needs a diaper change, bottle, anything, and these are things he needs to do indepently to bond well with his son. No, he might not do them the same exact way you do - but that's ok, it's an area he'll do better if he finds his own confidence than trying to do things to your standards, and your son's not going to be critical. Not only will you get some time to unwind a little - but he'll get the hands on experience without being as nervous as if someone else is there watching him. He'll probably enjoy and adapt better at being a daddy with a little freedom to do it his way - and it'll be less pressure and burden, and more pleasure.

 

Good luck, and take care.

[emma]

The Morrigan is (once again providing very very important advise, that I would recommend you to follow. I have not thought too much about what the Morrigan said before, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Being a dad might not be something he is dealing very well at a personal level right now, but if you give him the opportunity to do so by leaving the house when he comes to visit, it will be good for him, it will be good for the baby, and it will be good for you because you will not be tempted to have intimate contacts with him and you will get few hours for yourself which is very precious for a new mother. It will also give him time to sort out his feelings towards you and his position towards the relationship.

 

Maybe all what he needs is this ooportunity to become a father on his own. As far as you're concerned, you need to take time away when he is visiting. He does know anyway how much you love him, so it will not hurt more the relationship anyway I believe.

 

You need to take some time to relax, to see other people. Take great care of yourself, and get as much support from your friends as you can, and from the wonderful people on this forum.