Light at the end of the tunnel?

[jetset]

About three months ago I decided to end a 6 year relationship with my girlfriend. We lived together for the last 5 of those 6 years, and despite difficulties in our relationship especially towards the end, I always thought she was "the one" for me, that we would get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. We both shared many similar interests, philosophies, and I, for one, bared my very soul to her and allowed myself to fall in love deeper than I ever thought possible.

 

For a long time, I felt our relationship blossom and grow. Although we both worked relatively long hours, we found it effortless to spend quality time together and do many things we both enjoyed. Although she was honest with me from the beginning that getting married and, in particular, having children was something she was unsure about, I always though that, as we and our relationship would mature and grow, this is something that would come naturally. This probably sounds backwards from the typical male-female gender roles go, but this is how it was: for me, family is very important and I always felt that I would want to share this important experience with the person to whom I am committed.

 

About two years ago, I started to feel uneasy about the fact that she still felt undecided about getting married and having children. I was probably somewhat afraid to admit to myself that this uncertainty might really mean that she regarded the relationship differently from the way I did (with less intensity and commitment, perhaps?). I gradually became less emotionally available and more easily irritable. In turn, she progressively became more critical and blunt. We gradually stopped doing the things we both enjoyed and we both expected the other person to give an inch first. We buried ourselves into our own work. We tried counseling, which had limited (if any) utility for either one of us. In a way, I felt like we were no longer able to resolve our problems, no matter how big or small, which was a very corrosive thought to probably both of us.

 

At the end, I felt like all my feelings for her died. We were roommates and perhaps friends, but little more. I started to feel very anxious, sad, had difficulty sleeping at night, and overall felt that what was happening was unhealthy for both of us. I decided that this could no go on, and that it must have been the end.

 

For about a month or so after the breakup, I felt fine, I was able to focus and try to pull my life back together, I got involved in many activities around town and with friends, and overall felt happier and on the path to recovery. She did the same. After some more time passed and the negative emotional baggage accumulated towards the end of our relationship started to fade, I started to wonder whether our "new (happier and healthier) selves" could have another go at a new relationship, with fresh eyes and perspectives. Unfortunately, I learned that about a month after our breakup, she started dating someone else. We work at the same company, and the person she is dating is someone from work. I thought it would be somewhat difficult to run into her every now and then, but seeing her with this other guy is simply gut wrenching for me. We had a few conversations during which I got the sense that she was set in her decision to date other people and that her feelings for me were nebulous at best. She once mentioned to me, casually, that "when I have children, I will ...", which I felt almost like a knife thrust.

 

In retrospect, my rational self thinks that this was probably the right decision for us. Unfortunately, I am having an terribly hard time letting go emotionally. It's as if the stronger and happier I feel, the more I second guess my decision to end this relationship because I am starting to find my younger, stronger, happier self who fell in love with her all those years ago. I am afraid that I may get stuck in a vicious circle without escape; I am also afraid that she maybe was "the one" and I let her go in a moment of weakness and I will never forgive myself for it. I cry often, I read many books and forums such as this one, I and try to let my hurt surface as often as I can. I sometimes experience the emotional pain in a very physical way, like a crushing weight or like a burning sensation everywhere. When I am with friends of family, I feel great, but the times in between are extremely difficult.

 

It would help me to know whether others have gone through this dark, cold, lonely tunnel, and found light at the other end. Right now, I feel like my compass is broken and I have no idea whether or how to mend it.

[Michael2]

Wow jet, your post really struck me.

 

Believe me, that damn tunnel is a dark horrible nightmare.

 

This will be a character building experience for you. You are just entering this tunnel. It will be LONG, and PAINFUL.

 

Many of us on this site have been where you are. We have our good days, we have our bad days. Some weeks the bad outweigh the good, but overall the good will outweigh the bad in the future.

 

You feel lost, abandoned, you thoughts echo throughout your head. You are anxious, fearful of the future. You are not only lonely, but you are lost. You can't control yourself. SOmetimes you just feel like crying and screaming at the world. It sucks, plain and simple.

 

I can not relate to seeing my ex with someone else, she lives far away. I can only imagine the pain it must bring. But this is your time to be strong. You are a MIRROR image of me. YOu researched breakups till you were blue in the face , you posted on forums, and at the end of day, nothing changes. In the beginning, the only thing you are worried about is burning the time.

 

Unfortunately these times are very difficult, the emotional burden you are dealing with feels like death , and at times you wished you were. But trust me, and others, when we tell you, that it will get better.

 

Your ex, is most likely on the rebound. How can she jump from your relationship to another. It's frigin impossible. She is hurting just as you are, believe me.

 

Be strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GainingStrength]

...you're just at the start of this long road - and unfortunately nothing we can say or do will make you fell any better. only time can do that - you must have faith in that!

 

Please feel free to read my post attached... I wrote it as I was coming to the end of the walk that you are starting. But you must believe that there is an end and it will all work out in the end!

 

link removed

[jetset]

Thank you for your answers and encouragement -- it does help to hear that, in time, things will get better, although it is simply impossible for me to see that right now. I will do my best to stay positive and trust that what you all have experienced does eventually reach closure.

 

GainingStrength -- one thing you said in your linked post about how you were doing web searches for "dealing with a breakup" really struck me, because that is exactly what I have been doing recently, and it's how I found this wonderful forum.

 

In some ways, I find that I do not recognize myself in these reactions and feelings. It is as if a different someone is surfacing when I feel this way -- someone who does not make sense "logically" speaking, yet is definitely there.