BF's daughter in role of wife? help!!

[Islandgirl]

Hi, am new here & love this website! I'm (ugh) a middle aged woman who has dated a man who is 12 yrs my senior, for just over a yr. We got serious pretty fast & enjoy & love one another very much. I live 3 hrs away & due to extinuating circumstances, spend every other wk with him at his home. (Other than that, I'm home with my 8yr old daughter who is with her dad the wks I'm with my BF.)

 

The problem is that his 28 yr old daughter, an only child, lives at home with no plans to move out any time in the near future. I met her when he & I had been dating for about 4 mos, & he'd ask her nightly, & she EXPECTED to be asked, if she wanted to join us in going out to dinner. Usually she did. I began to feel I was dating a man & his grown daughter.

 

Also, she calls him every few hrs when she's away from him, & insists on knowing where we're going & when we'll return home. She tells him her every move too. AND, if he & I are in his bdrm before bedtime with the door shut, she inevitably finds a reason to knock & comes in to chat awhile. I'm currently living on little money becoz am trying to continue being a stay home mom as I was before my separation from my ex. So I began to clean his house & he pays me well. The other day while shopping I told him we needed a new mop but he wanted to let his daughter take care of that. She NEVER uses a mop or does ANY cleaning. I felt that if I wasn't good enough to chose a stupid MOP then how much less must my opinion count regarding the important things. And it made it apparent that she is the woman of the house.

 

But where does that leave ME?? I told him mos ago that I didn't think he had room in his life for me, which he adamently denied. His daughter seems respectful towards me in other ways, but does not respect the need for her father & me to have privacy & romance. Then yesterday morning she waltzed right into the bdrm without knocking after her dad had left for work, (while I was still in bed but awake & making enough noise that she KNEW I was awake,) to view her outfit in his mirror. Wasn't that disrespectful?

 

They even have an annual father-daughter vacation, which he invited me on this yr, but I declined becoz he hesitated & didn't offer the invite until I asked about it, so I felt unwelcome & told him I wouldn't go with them for $5,000!! Am I being unreasonable or is his daughter living the role of his wife in many aspects?

 

For Christmas, he bought me lots of nice, thoughtful gifts, but he gave her the EXACT same items, even the jewelry was the same! I don't want to be his second daughter tho'.

 

From things he's said, I know he wants to marry me, soon after I get my final divorce papers filed. I do love him & he's so good for me & TO me & vice versa in many ways, but I don't think I can play second fiddle 4ever. Oh & I did complain that we didn't spend enough time alone for those mos that she accompanied us on all our dates. I whined to him & I prayed about it, & within WEEKS she started a diet & started going out with her friends instead of tagging along with us. I can't imagine him having told her to butt out, in ANY way, becoz he never seems to stand up to her & says he feels sorry for her. She's lost alot of the weight & is living her own life now in many ways. Soooooo, the situation has greatly improved. It still doesn't feel right tho, & their vacation is coming up soon, & I feel left out & demoted. I see now why they say second marriages are harder than firsts. Any advice??? Sorry to get so long & thank you for reading all this.

[Cid]

Just tell him how you feel, you should not be playing a scound roll in his life you both should be first in his life. But I think that you should talk to her too and tell he what you think about what she is doing. Just dont put them on the deffence then you will be in trouble. But talking is the only way.

[Athena]

Islandgirl,

I think all of your feelings are reasonable. I would feel the exact same things in the situation you describe.

 

One of the reasons I never date men with kids is for this reason exactly. His kids will always come first - and I think that is appropriate, WHEN THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!

 

Its difficult to assess, but sometimes people have situations that just...are.. and you might have to accept the fact that they are comfortable with what they have going on and don't WANT to change anything.

 

I think it's worth talking with them about. If he wants you to be part of his life, just like you will have to make changes to accommodate him, he should be willing to do that for you as well and he may be willing to do that.

 

However, keep in mind that he may not. At that point it comes down to whether or not you can live with the situation as it is.

 

Where is the girls mother? Have you ever had the opportunity to speak with her? It would be interesting to hear her side of the divorce story.

 

-A

[Mar]

I agree-something needs to be said to his daughter. First of all, why is she still living at home when she's almost 30??

 

Regardless-she's WELL old enough to know the boundaries that exist between parent and child in a dating situation-how would she feel if you or her father did the same thing to a person she brought home to spend the evening, interrupting constantly?

 

I understand that they're very close, and that's to be commended-but she also needs to realize that her father has his own life now, which doesn't include her (especially in the bedroom!) and that she has to grant him and you some privacy and respect. If he's unwilling to have this discussion with his daughter, regardless of his reasons why (since I can't think of a single reason she couldn't be told to back off a bit and learn some respect) then maybe I'd rethink this relationship.

 

A father gains a lot of "hero worship" in his daughter's eyes if it's just the two of them for a long period of time, and she's used to be the alpha female in the home. Your "intrusion", as it were, is most likely unwelcome, rational or irrational. And she'll give you those subtle little pokes, knocking at inappropriate times, tagging along when she knows full well you'd rather be alone, etc., because she wants to continue to stake her claim on her Daddy and make sure you're aware that she's first. Childish? Yep. But somewhat understandable.

 

I'd definitely suggest you talk to him about talking to HER, and see if he can't discuss this with his daughter. Any long-term relationship with him is going to prove difficult, to say the least, if there's always this subtle power-play over this man going on!

 

Mar

[Islandgirl]

Thank you Athena & Cid. Is good to know others see it the way I do. And Athena, you asked about his daughter's mother. She's the birthmother AND mother, whereas her dad adopted her as a toddler when he & the mom got together. They split up 12 yrs ago, becoz the mom had an affair with a man she has since married. The daughter was a teen at the time & had the choice of going with (biological) mom or staying with (adoptive)dad. She stayed with her dad. Several yrs later, she went off to college but that was before I was in the picture. She gained lots of weight at college. Then she came home & that was about 3 yrs ago.

 

She & her dad are both lawyers. When I first met her she said she was saving money to buy her own home, with all cash, but it's never mentioned anymore. Also, eventually she'll also work for her dad at his independent practice. So they'll work together, maybe still live together, take vacations together, & stay in constant contact.

 

I try to be very careful when complaining about any of this to him, becoz I think most parents would be easily offended if anyone criticizes their parenting skills, ya know?? Things have gotten better over the last several mos, but it's like an issue that's not truly resolved & thereforeeee, keeps rearing it's ugly head. Will his daughter continue to come between us & eventually ruin our relationship, becoz HE is allowing it?!? I think it's detrimental to him AND her in the long run, becoz it's unnatural & emotionally unhealthy.

 

(What does anyone think of this.......) I may just develop more of a life outside of him, stop being so dang devoted, visit people I DON'T live with but love & miss. Turn the tables, let him see how it feels. I've tried talking but his being a TRIAL lawyer, makes him VERY easily defensive, so talking is difficult. However, usually he disagrees with ANYthing negative I broach, but later his actions show he DID listen, even tho it doesn't seem like it when we argue. Any more advice? Sorry to be a glutton, tehee, but this is driving me crazy. Thanks again.

[Islandgirl]

Thank you very much Mar!! I enjoyed your reply & have been enjoying reading all your posts. You give great, sound advice. OK, I wrote about why the daughter is still at home, in a reply, about her being home from college for 3 yrs & wanting to save up to pay cash for her own townhouse, but it's really never discussed since I was initially told. In other words, she's in no hurry.

 

You asked what she'd do if we interrupted her & a boyfriend like she does us? She does have a giant crush on a guy at her work, but he's only wanting to be her friend becoz he's a new lawyer with lots of debt & can't afford to date now, so he says. So he & her hang out alot & go to dinner, dutch I'm sure. (Isn't it called dutch when both people pay?) And oooooh no, she has not wanted us around them at all, not once & she's been seeing him for about 3 months. I think he may be the reason she's so determined to lose weight. She's lost about 40 lbs & has another 25 to go. If he's what made her stop dating me & her dad, then he was Heavensent for me, WHEW.

 

And another aspect that may be having an effect here, is that yrs ago, his younger brother committed suicide. He feels sorry for his daughter for being overweight, asks her to do nothing to help out at home, babies her, makes me wonder if he wants to be sure to keep her happy so she never gets depressed. I feel there is a connection, but I could be wrong. Or maybe I'm making EXCUSES for him, since I'm pretty good at that.

 

One other thing, I keep waiting for things to get RIGHT regarding this issue, becoz I've seen such a VAST improvement for a whopping whole like, several months, with her having almost totally stopped going on our dates with us. Soooo that makes me hopeful that if I'm patient things will get to being normal, like they should be.

 

AND another thing I mentioned in my other reply that may sound petty but man oh man! Has anyone here dated an attorney?? This guy gets so unbelievably defensive SO fast that's it's incredible, which is the lawyer in him. He's actually a very honest person tho, contrary to popular opinion of lawyers & is chairman of the ethics board & etc. He's probably the most honest person I know which is very important to me since my ex's personality was to hide things from me. Anyway, even tho BF is honest, if he won't FACE the FACTS of the abnormalities in his relationship with his daughter, he won't be able to be honest about it. If I dared to tell him he needs to talk to his daughter about giving us more space, he'd feel SO SORRY for her becoz I didn't care about her feelings. However, I think he's trying to keep improving the situation. I just know I can't live like this 4ever tho. Wow, can I blab or what? Thanks so much for listening & any advice is greatly appreciated & welcomed. Blessings to you!