I am actually more mad at myself, miss my soulmate

[rebelfac]

This message board has been very helpful. I wish I read a book about what women need before it was too late. Why is it that we have to learn things the hard way. I bet most people here learned the hard way like i did. I truly didn't realize what I had until it was gone. I don't blame her for leaving to see if i was capable of changing. She did cheat but I didn't show her love and affection for many years of our 12 year marriage. We were more like best friends that had sex but with no passion. She had to adapt to me being this way and I really screwed that up. I created a void and she is very happy that her new guy is showering her with it. They started as friends and she likely vented this to him and he knew exactly what she needed as a result. I have no chance now but miss our conversations. How can 1,700 times of intimacy and likely 50k enjoyable conversations mean so little now. She says she is happy in her new life but I feel so lost, left behind and betrayed. After being together for 14 years it seems normal to lose the passion. I didn't hold hands with herr snuggle much at all or kiss her enough. I definitely see that now and if I only had a second chance that would be so different. It almost seemd like a good thing for some to separate to realize what they had. I just with it wasn't so permanant in my situation. I thanks all of the people here that provide wisdom as i wish I had it before it was too late.

[justmyview]

Hi Rebel, I'm sorry that you are going through this painful situation.

 

How long has it been since she left you? Have you been in contact with her? How messy was the split? Are either of you planning a divorce?

[rebelfac]

Thanks for you concern. She left me five months ago and found out three months ago that she had been cheating. I had so much respect for her and it's sad that I caught her in so many lies too. I had never caught her look at another guy in 14 years so it came as a surprise. I really made too many mistakes and I guess we all learn that late night promises and outstanding communication don't mean a thing. They do to me though but I guess it's because I haven't found someone I care about yet. Seriously though i have learned a lot and will be a better man as a result but it sucks that I feel she really was the one. I was really happy but it seems she was more content and felt she needed more. I don't blame her for wanting more of her needs fullfilled looking back. I really miss my best friend and the many great conversations. Coffee chat before work etc. We must of had 1.5 x more conversations than the average couple. She put in a lot of effort and I came up far too short. I am so sorry i did that but have to realize it's over. She says she is happy in her new life. I want to eventually be ok with her new guy ( have no choice) but he did seduce a married woman. I really appreciate my friends more than ever but since we only live once , realize I still want her as a friend because i can't deny that she is a really special/rare person.

[rebelfac]

We are going to get a divorce and good terms, no lawyer. We chat from work about twice a week and talk once a week though I sense it will become less frequent. Before I knew she was cheating she would call me every single day on her way to work for two months. She even let me be affectionate to her but no sex. I wanted to show her affection. She left Oct 25th and the last time we were affectionate it was so special to me on Jan 1oth at santa cruz. She let me kiss her for about 8 seconds and i was so much more fun when i was allowed to flirt. She agreed that we had a lot of fun when I was this way but she also revealed that day she was getting more serious with him. She is living with him so I should have expected this. It's so hard to understand why she no longer craves our conversation as this has to be the one area where I top him. He definitely has the advantage of being new and funny. I need to try speed dating to get my mind finally off her.

[justmyview]

Thank you for the details, rebelfac.

 

Considering that she cheated, it is great that your relationship ended on good terms. If there are no children involved, now is the time for you to go strict NC to aid your healing. I know that you desperately want to be friends with her, but this can't happen whilst you still have strong feelings for her. It will simply prolong your agony. You will gain temporary relief from the frequent contact, but then in the following days you will be plunged into despair again. You must protect yourself and your emotions. I would stop any communication that doesn't involve the divorce.

 

At the moment, you are aiding the smooth transition between the end of your relationship with her, and the beginning of her relationship with him. Because you are being friendly and supportive you are making her feel less guilty and strengthening what they have. Now, this may not seem that important to you, as you plan to move on, but why should you make things easy for her? If I were you, as painful as it is, I would exit the picture.

 

This will allow her true feelings to surface and she can experience what life is truly like without you. I'm not saying she'll come back to you, but she can't miss you or even value you whilst you stick around. It's like she knows you're there so she'll take a gamble on this relationship.

 

I urge you to acquaint yourself with the Reverse Psychology And The Rebound Relationship (particularly the first few pages), What A Dumper Feels, A Loose Cannon Is Never Attractive threads which will give you an insight into the mind of many dumpers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think those threads may help you understand the importance of exiting the picture and walking away.

 

No contact will greatly aid your healing. Now a by-product of NC is that often times the dumper misses the dumpee. I don't want to give you false hope but who knows what she may feel if you simply disappear for six months or so. Let her ride out the honeymoon period with this guy (which will be extended if you stay in the picture) so that she can see that the grass isn't necessarily greener, just different. Also, he'll make sure he continues to treat her like a queen, whilst you hover around in the background to ensure that she's not remotely tempted to go back to you. Even if she doesn't come back, you will be well on the road to full healing with the prospect of being in a new and better relationship.

 

Don't beat yourself up. We all take our partners for granted at one time or another and you have reflected on this and learned from it, vowing to be more sensitive in future relationships. You suggest that you did this to her for a prolonged period and he was able to take advantage of that. Their relationship will also have its ups and downs. He will also drop the ball from time to time. If he's clever, he won't neglect her for too long so that she again feels unappreciated. The fact that the separation was amicable makes it easier for her to approach you should she ever consider coming back.

 

You have a very healthy attitude to this situation. The break-up was amicable and despite your anguish you appear to recognise the need to move on and not wait for her. Your stance means that you are best placed to make your next relationship a success - be it with, or without your ex.

 

Keep strong, and use this forum to post whenever you become tempted to contact her!

[catfeeder]

Wondering if she ever came to you and said, "I'm unhappy and want us to go to counseling and work on the marriage."

 

That's the honest thing to do when someone isn't getting what they need from a partner. To blame yourself for her cheating is kind of like a spouse covered with bruises saying, "I asked for it."

 

The most annoying, obnoxious, neglectful person might deserve a breakup or a divorce, but NObody deserves the disloyalty and betrayal of an affair. I hope you'll give yourself a break, and I hope you'll start NC and move forward. That's the most self-respecting thing you can do.

 

In your corner.

[rebelfac]

I agree Cat and wish she would have done that. A couple of hints wasn't enough and said after that she thought that when I showed love/affection it was out of obligation.

 

I have a twelve year old daughter that I tell will always be the most important person in my life. Outstanding post just my view, my goodness their are such good people here that truly care. This site is like a real life soap opera isn't it but very theraputic. I do need to stay out of the picture and I guess realize that she will always be in my life because of our daughter. She wants me to find someone new and for me to be happy. I asked her soon after realizing the affair if she would be at least a little bothered with the thought of me being intimate with someone else and she said no not at all. How can that be? I definitely pleased her in bed ( orally) but learned that more passion and more kissing was needed. I don't understand why I didn't want to kiss her very much.

[RobD70]

This was me about a year ago. It's since evolved to anger as I began to realize the person I thought I was with with just an idea in my head. You will eventually get to that phase when you regain some confidence back and see how she was using you as an emotional crutch and help with her own guilt from cheating on you.

 

The best thing you could do is cut her off and go NC. Stop being so nice to her and understanding, you have a right to get upset. I'm going through the same thing and my divorce should be finalized in a week or 2. I ignore all but necessary attempts to contact me (manly bills) and the colder I am to her the nicer she is to me. As long as she is living with someone else, I will not talk to her on a personal basis and neither should you. They don't deserve to talk to us, they are cheaters and need to be treated as such.

 

They don't respect us if we seem to be ok with what they are doing. It make us look weak and we are just allowing them to walk over us. I'm not saying be mean, just don't accept her behavior and don't blame yourself. Affairs are selfish acts and nobody can make someone else have an affair.

[justmyview]

You're welcome, Rebelfrac: many of us have been or are going through what your dealing with now. In regards to your daughter, I take it she has custody? Well confine all communication to matters of the divorce and arranging visitation. Keep it short, sweet and polite.

 

In regards to how she'd feel if you were intimate with someone: although you shouldn't concern yourself with this (or any emotional thoughts that keep you dwelling on her) she won't honestly know until it happens. Although I was dumped, my ex was clearly stung when he learnt of a date I went on.

 

She wants you to find someone else to assauge her guilt. I'm 99% sure she won't be so comfortable with it when it eventually happens, (there are many threads here which describe the dumper's pain when the dumpee has moved on) but that's not your problem. Her feelings are no longer your problem.

 

As I said before, despite your pain, you are handling this with the utmost degree of maturity. She will remember this. Continue in this vein, and mark my words, she will regret her decision when the honeymoon period is over. But by that time (as it could be years) you could be in to someone else. Whatever you do, do not wait on her to come round.

 

I admire the way you are handling things!

[rebelfac]

Justmyview it is interesting that you think she will regret it but it could take years. You mentioned he will continue to treat her like a queen while you are still around. Good point and I need to initiate NC for a while and exit the picture and know we will be back in contact due to our daughter. She sure like it when we chat from her work and I need to take that away. I really see no chance now as she "wants to move on with her new life" I think she is more happy with him than she was with me for the last few years. I am surprised I am handling this so well also as I never imagined that I could. I just think she was the perfect wife and partner for 14 years and that I wasn't to her is why I let her off the hook. Rob interesting point that they don't respect us if we stay in contact and she proves that by continuing to lie to me. She seems like she is under a spell. THis guy proudly displays pictures of them including my daughter on his blog.

[rebelfac]

Justmyview and others,

 

 

You might find my interview with the ceo of okcupid interesting. ( free online dating site) on link removed

 

I would also love to interview any of you that like helping people on link removed

 

I feel this wisdom is so incredibly important.

[justmyview]

Yes, it could take a long time for her to realise that the grass isn't necessarily greener. Their relationship willl suffer all the stresses and strains that every relationship has - they are just in the honeymoon phase. However, this is not your concern, and you must try not to dwell on them.

 

I think the reason why you feel comfortable is that, apart from perhaps a lack of attention and maybe romance towards your ex, your relationship sounds like it was, on the whole, a good one, where you did a lot together. This will help you walk away with a relatively clear conscious. It was notan abusive or hostile relationship. It's those of us who know we messed up badly that take it the worst, I think.

 

Another poster called ScorpiGal83 pointed out in another thread that, "(The) thing about love is, there are stages, and it changes and grows constantly from the "infatuation" phase to the "comfortable" phase to the "commitment" phase...some people don't realise this and think they're falling out of love just because there are no fireworks. more mature people would know the difference..." Whilst another poster, Odile, countered, "Yeah, but even without full-on fireworks, there should be sparks...In the absence of that (and especially in cases where there is no longer will to create any), then you may as well be roommates."

 

 

 

Going by your story, your wife may well realise that she was not going to be 'infatuated' with you forever, but appears to have missed the 'sparks'. To your credit, you realise this and - although her cheating is not to be condoned under any circumstances - you appear to have an objective view as to why the relationship failed.

 

My concern is that you do not put your life on hold for her. Do all the cliched things "Get Over Your Ex" type books tell us to do: make new friends, hobbies, goals, etc. Keep busy. When you're ready date casually. Life must go on. What I would say though, is that due to the relatively healthy state of your relationship and break-up, if ever there were a situation where a dumper may possibly return somewhere down the line, this is it. Chances are, however, you will have moved on and not want her back.

 

One thing I would say, though, is take heed of Rob's advice; you are quite calm now and may well experience an "anger period" after a time of NC has elapsed. Though it is a natural reaction and phase, don't let it get the better of you by using it to confront her belatedly.

 

Also, please quit looking at his blog! If you continue to do this whilst you are in NC it could become torturous!

[justmyview]

Justmyview and others,

 

 

You might find my interview with the ceo of okcupid interesting. ( free online dating site) on link removed

 

I would also love to interview any of you that like helping people on link removed

 

I feel this wisdom is so incredibly important.

 

Lol! Thanks for the link. However, I wouldn't class myself as a relationship guru - I'm simply someone who has emerged quite well from a painful break-up due, in part to all the wonderful advice I've read on these boards. I've mostly plagiarised stuff that I've learnt here and simply condensed it on this thread for you

 

You need to be lobbying the likes of DN, Crazyaboutdogs, BeStrongAndHappy, Penelope013, Zorba (if you can find him!) Superdave71, etc for their great advice.

 

However, if you have to resort to me, please feel free to pm me with a proposed time