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Lost...and miserable


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I am glad I found a place like this as I had no idea one even existed. I need some advice from kindred people on a topic:


2 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months. You may think 10 months is not a lot, but I spent a ton of time with this girl. I'm 30 and she was 24. We had originally had a great relationship and enjoyed doing a variety of things together. Sometime into the 6th or 7th month, I started re-thinking things a bit. Is this the right relationship for me? All we ever seemed to do was things SHE wanted to do. We played a lot of volleyball ( i really didn't even like it, but I played anyway. A lot of our mutual friends did and I guess it was just the cool thing to do). We also went for tons of walks. She never really wanted to chill or watch sports on TV..etc. For her, she always had to be active. Secondly, and one thing I could never get around, was how she nitpicked at me. She didn't like the way I ate, she didn't always like what I wore, and she also had some issues about how she looked. I almost always had to tell her how good she looked. Now I'm no saint and I noticed how she never really got dressed up for me...ever.


I don't need to go into all the details but one day I decided I think we had had enough. I didn't break up with her but I didn't say anything...she told me to leave. I went back 1/2 hour later and we made up and stayed together. 3 weeks later we went to my mom's home for Xmas. It was fun, but again, she always wanted us to be doing something active. I usually just chill/hang out with mom/take it easy/go in the pool. I always felt like she was bored and that trip many times we had times when we didn't say much to each other. It's like we had nothing to talk about.


After we came back, one week later, I really broke up with her. I was devastated. I thought I had made a huge mistake. I went back to talk with her again 3 days later and made up with her. Two weeks after that, on a night when she was treating me like absolute crap, I ended it for good.


For 2 months now I have been absolutely miserable. Everyone touts how awesome being single is. I don't always feel that way. I do miss her a lot and I think about her every day. I see now she is on link removed and the thought of her with someone else makes me want to puke. I feel nauseous almost every single day at least once. We played in the same volleyball league too and I was already locked into an 8 week season playing on the same night as her so I still see her a lot. We had a few mutual friends as well. I asked her about re-uniting again but she said I had to propose if I wanted that, but added that she would say yes.


She pressured me big time on moving in together (after only 6 months) and getting married in like a year and then having kids...etc. I know I know...i'm 30, i need to grow up. Well you know what? I'm just not there yet.


I come to this group looking for your opinions. With what you now know, did I do the right thing? Was I wrong? Do i need to reach out to her? I did buy her a beer for her b-day last weekend and she appreciated it. Do I need to move on? IF you need added details, i'd be happy to oblige. Help me. i'm tired of feeling miserable and lost and alone.

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sounds like she thought she could play house with you...


i think you will get over this soon. really, she never did anything you wanted to do, never complimented you, never did anything for YOU. why would you want that? im guessing you just miss a companion, not her.

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It sounds like you just miss the idea of a relationship, and not the person. Just because you prefer not to be single, it doesn't mean you should return to this person. If you're having problems with this person after 6 months, do you honestly think you can spend 10 years with this person? 20 years? a lifetime?


People will move on and be with other people. It's something you just have to accept.


It doesn't sound like you were very happy, so I think you did the right thing by ending this.

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Proposing at this point would be a huge mistake. A relationship should be solid before entertaining this idea. But maybe you could suggest going to a pre-marriage course or something. I hear that they really show the true relationship and you might not want to be with her after that, but if you do, you'll both be better at working together.


Personally, it sounds like she's manipulative and doesn't want to be with you, but someone that will marry her. I think your best bet is to decide to take at least a month where you focus solely on yourself. If after a busy month of building your self and your social network up, you still want to get back together, then you'll be in a better place.

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Even if you enjoyed her company, you don't sound like you enjoyed doing some things with her that she liked.


You should have some things in common that you can share.


Also, think about this - do you want to be with someone who criticizes you all the time and tries to turn you into someone you are not OR would you prefer to be with someone who takes you for who you are?


Unless you dress like a complete slob, I don't think it's her or anyone elses' place to comment on your clothes. If you wore track pants to a funeral, yes but I don't think that was the case.


Wanting to move in together after such a short period of time woudl scare me too and i'm a 28 year old woman. I would run if I heard that. It doesn't mean you are immature. Just not ready...

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It sounds to me like breaking up was very much the right thing to do in this situation.

It is far better to be alone than to "settle", and with this girl you would have found yourself in the position of compromising not just about things, but about yourself.


You'll be far happier finding someone who's on the same page as you in more regards.

And as far as "should" in terms of settling down by 30 goes-- you cannot let a cultural average dictate your decisions in such a fashion.

When you meet the right girl, you'll know.

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You know, i'm not really sure if I miss her or the comfort of being with her. It's probably a little bit of both at this point. I miss her daily interaction in my life and being able to ask her how her day was and having dinner with her. You know...it could be the comfort now that you mention it.

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