Date or wait?

[opalinef]

Last week I had my first date after being dumped 7 months ago. It didn't go well but that zero to do with me and all to do with the fact that this person was not even remotely attractive to me.

I've also been emailing a guy I met about two weeks ago and we've been getting to know each other via email since we met and inevitably we'll end up going out.

 

The thing is, I'm so blah about the whole thing. I mean he seems interesting and funny and has his life together but I just keep thinking "where's that click?" that instant "wow" moment. And I expect that b/c it is what I had with my ex. Then I get into all that my ex, my ex, my ex neverending cycle of thoughts (though I should say those thoughts are little more muted and not as intense as they were say two months ago).

 

And I'm just not sure if I should even be thinking about dating yet if these are the thoughts I'm having or if these thoughts are fine and expected (to be waiting to click so well as I did with my ex at the beginning) and I should just ride them out and give this guy a chance. Everyone in my life that knows about this seems to think I should be getting out there, that 7 months is a good time to just test the waters. Yet when I think about dating anyone I just get...indifferent. Not excited or nervous or hopeful. Kind of like, I want to go home and be alone as I have been. But then I start to think of that as destructive. And if I don't get out and meet new people I'm going to fall into the habit of being alone and lonely until I'm comfortable with the loneliness so much so that I don't even try to meet anyone new. Where is the line between healing and falling into self destructive habits?

 

I can't tell if I'm just feeling wary of putting myself into something new and I should just or if I'm just still not over my ex and shouldn't be dating at all. Can anyone relate to this?

[secretness87]

I can relate to you My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago... and about a month after we broke up, I went on a date with a new guy. At the time it seemed fun, I didn't feel a spark or anything either.. I was just getting to know the guy. But when it came time for our 2nd date, I just didn't feel a spark at all. And the fact that the new guy was trying too hard (kept putting his arm around me, kept wanting to cuddle), made me pull away from him even more. I started feel disgusted by his actions, even if he really didn't do anything wrong.

 

And the time that I went out with the new guy, I just couldn't get my ex out of my head. I liked the spark I had with my ex so much better, and it made me feel worse when I went out with the new guy because I didn't have that spark anymore.. and I definitely wasn't getting it from this new guy.. so I had to let the new guy go. I knew I wasn't ready for dating at all.. and for me at this point, I don't think I'll be ready to date again until I meet someone who I can have a real spark with.. someone who doesn't remind me of my ex at all hopefully.

 

I know you have said that you have been broken up with your ex for about 7 months, for me I have just been broken up wtih mine for 3 months..but for some reason I do want to go out into the dating world again and try it out. But if at 7 months your still feeling that, I still think it's pretty normal. Everyone is different and works at different paces.. just do whatever you feel is right for you

[InRecovery]

It sounds like you're not ready, but you want to be ready.

 

Me personally, if it had been that long, I'd probably be putting myself through the dating process. Starting to demystify it perhaps. Your last relationship had that click, but how many did you go for before that which left you feeling indifferent?

 

Some people like the dating game, most seem to want to settle down and find someone to trust and feel comfortable with. That you're on this forum probably suggests your last break up was tough, so its going to take a little extra work from you to open yourself up to allowing yourself to feel somewhat dependent and trusted in and of someone.

 

I think.

 

Or at least thats what I've been telling myself.

 

What I would say in regards to your last point is you don't mention your ex nearly as much as you mention you yourself and what you want, which suggests you've moved on from them to a good degree.

[pushforward]

Everybody is different.

 

My opinion, do what feels what to you. If you want to be single for awhile and figure things out, that's fine. Or if you want to date date date date, that's fine. If you want to give this guy a chance, that's fine. If you want to hold on to your ex and not give anybody a chance, that is NOT fine.

 

That clicking feeling you get comes from being in a relationship that you have feelings for. These feelings you have for the guy, may not as be as strong for what you have for your ex, but you will never know if they can develop into something much better, if you don't give the guy a chance.

 

It's up to you. No wrong choices, just lessons. Figure out what you want or what you would like to try. Try it out, if it doesn't work out, at least you gave it a shot. Or it may be the best decision you've ever made in your life.

 

=D

[opalinef]

Thanks everybody who responded. I go through these stages of doubt all the time lately. It is kind of like now that I don't wake up every morning immediately thinking of my ex and now that I think the main mourning period is over for me, I'm noticing more and more how careful I need to be with relationships.

 

InRecovery, I didn't mention my ex too much in my post but that was a conscious effort. It did occur to me to say something about how FAR he has moved on in the 7 months but then I just thought "this is about me so **** him!" Besides, one of the best lessons I learned in the last few months is that it doesn't even matter what he's doing with his life, I need to get busy living mine.

 

Now if I could just figure out how to do that smoothly...

[LittleLost]

InRecovery, I didn't mention my ex too much in my post but that was a conscious effort. It did occur to me to say something about how FAR he has moved on in the 7 months but then I just thought "this is about me so **** him!" Besides, one of the best lessons I learned in the last few months is that it doesn't even matter what he's doing with his life, I need to get busy living mine.

 

Now if I could just figure out how to do that smoothly...

 

You are so right!

[Johnathan]

as if playing the dating game wasn't frustrating enough, this is just another reason to give up on 'the singles scene trenches'. it got that name for a reason. Everyone worth a damn nowadays has ex baggage that ****s everything up. I'm guilty of it too. went on a few dates with a girl recently who was really nice and all, but she excited me about as much as a pet rock. No spark at all like there was with my EX who i involuntarily compare every girl to now. I'm starting to wonder if i should just go gay.