volpe Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Borderline personality disorder sounds the most like what you mentinoed, but you can't diagnose someone based on simply a match of symptoms. That diag needs to come from a doc. borderline-- i think that is the one that includes cutting yourself or self harm... not the antisocial... he is likely not borderline. Link to comment
Drac07 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 JadedStar is absolutely right. I didn't mean to sound like I was diagnosing. Apologies. Don't be so anxious for an imbalance to blame. He could just be a jerk, or he could just be dealing with stuff he hasn't told you about. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 borderline-- i think that is the one that includes cutting yourself or self harm... not the antisocial... he is likely not borderline. No, it is neither of what you stated. Not all or even most borderlines cut. And I have known more borderlines than i would like to admit. But we cannot diagnose this man based on such limited info. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 well, he sounds like my ex who was narcissitic (i think). he doesn't cut himself or anything so not antisocial disorder. but regardless, i don't think you should spend time focusing on diagnosing his disorder, however appealing it may be to get an explanation for his bizarre, cruel, and rude behavior. i think you should figure out what makes you stay with him when you are clearly unhappy? Yes, narcissitic is the closest I could find so far. I will have to check on boarderline. I know why I stay with him. When he is not all moody like this, he is incredibly kind and sweet and he does make me feel good about myself. He is kind of a thoughtful, quiet soul and I am attracted to that. Also, its been 2 years so there's a lot of history together. But then he acts like THIS and I just get so sad inside. He once told me "when I act like this i feel like a jerk so i want to stay away from you" ? Then maybe don't act like a jerk?!? Like its my fault, like he's acting like a jerk because I'm around. Communicating to him is like communicating to a brick wall. He's so self-centered that I need to do all the talking and soothing until he's at a place he will even listen. But sometimes I just get sick of it. Link to comment
volpe Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 you might want to talk to a counselor... i know i am such a fan of this these days, but really... i think you could use some help on this.... Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 No, it is neither of what you stated. Not all or even most borderlines cut. And I have known more borderlines than i would like to admit. But we cannot diagnose this man based on such limited info. No, its true I was just looking for a little insight. He will never go to a psychologist anyone, as he states he does not believe in them. He thinks he can fix whatever it is that bothers him, but clearly he can't. He prides himself in being a "loner" and often comments others aren't as "strong" as he is in beign self-sufficient. I feel sometimes as if he puts himself in a league above all others, a league I'm not even in. He speaks poorly of girls a lot, says I'm the only "different" one. I know he has family issues. ALOT of family issues. And childhood issues. I played shrink for awhile. He does goes back and forth from "idealizing" the relationship (its perfect, wonderful, everyhtings amazing) to devaluing it (its stressful, tough, I make everything harder than it needs to be, etc.) Link to comment
alli Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 borderline-- i think that is the one that includes cutting yourself or self harm... not the antisocial... he is likely not borderline. This is part of the description of Borderline Personality Disorder: Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5] Although it can include some degree of sabotaging oneself. For example, a person with BPD might go to school to get a degree and drop out a week prior to graduating. That sort of thing, not so much direct physical harm of oneself. I think he sounds similar to Borderline Personality Disorder, but you can't diagnose it on your own. Heck, I majored in psychology in college and I wouldn't even be able to diagnose him if I met with him in person. He would have to see a psychiatrist, and that is up to him & his family. There's no point in trying to figure it out on your own anyway... you already know what he's doing isn't right. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks for posting that. I didn't have it memorized, but have dealt with enough borderlines to know that cutting (self mutiliation) isn't a very big thing for them. And same thing I said, diag'ing over the net isn't a good thing, even tho i feel pretty dead on with disorders like this, i could never say 'hey so and so has X disorder'. it isn't good business to diagnose over the net. ANd even if we could, what does that solve? Either he is a good partner for her, or he isn't. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power and prestige.[2] Narcissistic personality disorder is closely linked to self-centeredness. I know we can't diagnose, but this sentence sums him up pretty well. Also says may be caused by childhood emotional abuse which was definitely present. Why do you guys think BPD though? I'm not taking this as an official diagnosis, just curious on the insights. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 He does goes back and forth from "idealizing" the relationship (its perfect, wonderful, everyhtings amazing) to devaluing it (its stressful, tough, I make everything harder than it needs to be, etc.) Ahh, i see you read up on borderlines.... Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Ahh, i see you read up on borderlines.... Yes, and that part does fit him very well. Not so sure about everything else, he generally tries to do his best in everything work and school related and can't stand to not be the best in anything. Link to comment
alli Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks for posting that. I didn't have it memorized, but have dealt with enough borderlines to know that cutting (self mutiliation) isn't a very big thing for them. And same thing I said, diag'ing over the net isn't a good thing, even tho i feel pretty dead on with disorders like this, i could never say 'hey so and so has X disorder'. it isn't good business to diagnose over the net. ANd even if we could, what does that solve? Either he is a good partner for her, or he isn't. I don't have it memorized, either. I wikipedia everything . One thing I know about mental disorders is that non-trained people try to use the DSM kind of like a cookbook to figure it out themselves, when really it is supposed to be used as a guideline for psychiatrists who already have professional training and experience. So Average Joe will look at the DSM and over-diagnose himself and others because he doesn't understand how much a person needs to exhibit a symptom for it to be considered.. well.. a symptom, if that makes sense. We all have little neurotic traits, but that doesn't make us all OCD. He should really be evaluated by a professional. So like we said, we are NOT diagnosing him with a personality disorder, but one thing you should know is that personality disorders tend to be stable. Mood disorders can be treated with medications, but your personality is who you are, it is ingrained in you. You can't really change that, and therefore counseling and medications do not do much for individuals with personality disorders. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 I don't know what to do. I do love him very much and it is heartbreaking to picture leaving him. But I know there is something about him that I CANT fix even if I want to. He is graduating in the summer so I am thinking of waiting to make a decision. It'd be to hard to do it now during school. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 He doesn't believe in counselling. He says they try and "trick" you into thinking there is something wrong with you. I need to either accept this or move on. I always think I can accept it but then something like this happens again and I get angry. But then I think...would you rather be alone, or be angry every so often? And I realize I don;t want to be alone Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Oh yea, you are preaching to the choir. This is why i wont try to diagnose people over the net. Far too man personality disorders have overlapping symptoms ... Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 So if he refuses to go to counselling what should I do? I know only I can choose for myself, but what is your advice? Link to comment
Drac07 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Advice? Ask yourself if you really care more about his welfare than your own - and if so, why? Especially the why. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Advice? Ask yourself if you really care more about his welfare than your own - and if so, why? Especially the why. Because I do love him and he can be a good person. Do you think I would really be sacrificing my welfare in the end? i feel that way sometimes as well... Link to comment
Drac07 Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 That's the definition of love, as far as I'm concerned. On the other hand, well... see the title of your thread. Perhaps a better question is this: will you be filled with rapturous happiness by staying with him and caring for him, even and especially if he never, ever changes? It's not sarcasm. The whole idea of love, to my mind, is that you have found someone whose well-being is so important to you, whose life is so valuable and special, that it makes you truly happy to serve them and help them grow and mature. That's my thinking and I know others differ. You said it yourself: nobody can make the decision but you. But look around (figuratively): you have a whole forum full of perfect strangers who don't want you to get hurt, and who certainly don't want you back on here later asking if you should leave an abusive boyfriend. Does his concern rival that of a stranger's? Because it should far, far surpass it. Link to comment
sugar_britches Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Hiya, Have you looked up passive aggressive? He sounds pretty much mike my hubby x Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Hiya, Have you looked up passive aggressive? He sounds pretty much mike my hubby x Yes, even if BPD isn't at play i can honestly say that passive aggressiveness is at play based on your posts (which ironically is also a symptom of BPD, but this trait alone doesn't confirm any presence of BPD). Passive aggressive partners are VERY taxing to deal wtih and over time can make one feel like they are losing their minds. I'd almost prefer an aggressive (mildly aggressive, not full on aggression or physical aggression that is) to this beacuse at least aggression gets the anger out and in the open, and dealt with. Passive aggressive people like to toy around with things and make you feel like you are always the one in the wrong, and they don't seem to get it off their chest vs the ones who can show a healthy expression of anger, get it off their chest, and then move on from the issue. Link to comment
sugar_britches Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Passive aggression is very taxing to live with. My hubby is affectionate, loving, kind, honest and a pleasure to be around one day and the next he is withdrawn, moody and miserable. Some times he acts like i have committed the worst crime ever and dishes out punishment in the form of silent treatment and witholding affection. I had three days of it last week all because i told him to get an early night as he constantly complained he felt drained and sleepy. Apparently my suggestion of an early night he mistook for me not wanting to spend time with him! Last week he came home from work and talked none stop for 2 hours about the problems he was having at work. The next day i referred to something he had said the night before only to be told "its none of your business what i do at work"! How do you work that one out? The list is endless when it comes to his odd behaviour. Link to comment
MJ23 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Uh, oh....that sounds so familiar to my situation! I feel as if I want to take a break now, I haven't talked to him in two days, and he hasn't even made an effort to call/see me after our last fight. Maybe I'm better off but I feel so miserable right now Link to comment
sugar_britches Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I am still with mine after 22 years and can only say the longer you stay around the lonlier and more confusing it gets unless your partner accepts he has a problem and works to resolve it x Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.