Is my ex playing a game?

[Girl wants EX]

My ex and I we both agreed to meet during this week.

I proposed yesterday night, and he would prefer tonight;

so we were supposed to meet up tonight...

 

5 minutes ago, he cancelled it due to "an emergency" and proposed next week.

 

I really feel there is something going on...

[PsychGirly]

Next week? He seriously has no time within the next 7 days? Seems like he wants to make you wait for him...but I could be wrong.

 

I would cut off all contact & let him initiate.

[Girl wants EX]

Next week? He seriously has no time within the next 7 days? Seems like he wants to make you wait for him...but I could be wrong.

 

I would cut off all contact & let him initiate.

 

I would like to provide more details about my story:

 

We were firstly talking about/planning a possible meeting on last friday, we both agreed to meet,

then I texted to him "let me know when you will be available and we talk again later"....No reply.

 

Last weekend, No Contact;

 

on Monday I suggested to him we could meet Wednesday;

Tuesday, he answered to me "could tomorrow be possible?", I felt that was a weird reply, as "tomorrow" (Wednesday) was actually what I proposed, but I didn't question him, just simply replied "sure, and when exactly we will meet?"

After an hour, he replied "sorry I made a mistake, I actually meant Thursday" (Which I totally doubted he was just confused about the date)

Again, I said "that is ok too".

 

Wednesday, No Contact.

 

Thursday(today), he cancelled for "emergency" and asked me "is it ok we meet next week?"

I just told him about my available days till next Thursday.

 

(He never tried to suggest any specific day so far, not sure if he wants to meet me during weekend, probably he also doesn't think I want to meet him during weekend. BTW, he is seeing therapist once a week, probably he gets some suggestion out there)

[PsychGirly]

I would just back-off & let him do the contacting.

 

It does seem like he's playing games, & you don't want him to think you're falling for it.

[kodak]

I would just back-off & let him do the contacting.

 

It does seem like he's playing games, & you don't want him to think you're falling for it.

 

PsychGirly, can you elaborate on why the OP shouldn't let him think she's falling for his game? Is it playing along to fall for it, or is it playing along to do something he doesn't expect her to do?

[PsychGirly]

PsychGirly, can you elaborate on why the OP shouldn't let him think she's falling for his game? Is it playing along to fall for it, or is it playing along to do something he doesn't expect her to do?

 

If she played along.

 

He wants her to text/call him & ask when he's available. He wants her to sit there & wait for his response. If she shows him that she doesn't care (not initiating contact), he'll most likely stop & start stepping up. However, the longer she sticks around & plays his game, the more he's gonna play.

[Girl wants EX]

If she played along.

 

He wants her to text/call him & ask when he's available. He wants her to sit there & wait for his response. If she shows him that she doesn't care (not initiating contact), he'll most likely stop & start stepping up. However, the longer she sticks around & plays his game, the more he's gonna play.

 

If everything you commented is true, then why some people try to make things complicated? he could refuse to meet, or simply keep the appointment.

 

Why? why? why???

[PsychGirly]

If everything you commented is true, then why some people try to make things complicated? he could refuse to meet, or simply keep the appointment.

 

Why? why? why???

 

Because unfortunately, some people have issues--mainly confidence issues. They play these games to make themselves feel better. They make people chase them & play by their rules. That makes them feel better about themselves.

[Girl wants EX]

I think he didn't like me chase him when we were seeing each other, that was one of the reasons we broke up --I was giving too much attention to him;

what you said that makes sense, but why he tries to make me chase him now??

[PsychGirly]

Yes. It's common sense. If he's getting attention from you, there's no reason for him to try to get more. He's satisfied with the amount you're giving him. Sometimes, you can even overwhelm him with too much attention, which will make him sick of it.

 

Now that you're not together & you're paying less attention to him, he's feeling deprived of it & therefore, playing games with you to encourage you to chase him & give him that attention.

 

"So when do you wanna hang out?"

"Why are you canceling?"

"Are we gonna hang out tonight?"

 

These are all forms of giving him attention.

 

If I were you, I would not text/call him unless he did.

[gromalamaz]

Not that it's any consolation, but I just posted a thread about the same thing. I've decided to go NC because my ex obviously does not wish to make an effort. It's tearing me up, but I know that I can't keep going on like this. Same things -- initiating the date, the time -- he used to do the planning when we were together, now he makes me make all of the decisions. I think it's because he doesn't want to put forth any effort. I feel for you. Let him come to you if he wants to. It sucks, but it makes the most sense (and will cause much less frustration). I empathize...

[Girl wants EX]

Not that it's any consolation, but I just posted a thread about the same thing. I've decided to go NC because my ex obviously does not wish to make an effort. It's tearing me up, but I know that I can't keep going on like this. Same things -- initiating the date, the time -- he used to do the planning when we were together, now he makes me make all of the decisions. I think it's because he doesn't want to put forth any effort. I feel for you. Let him come to you if he wants to. It sucks, but it makes the most sense (and will cause much less frustration). I empathize...

 

so he basically doesn't want to meet me but just agreed to meet me so he could cancel it?

if he would never arrange another meeting with me, then it's totally the end of everything!

[gromalamaz]

so he basically doesn't want to meet me but just agreed to meet me so he could cancel it?

if he would never arrange another meeting with me, then it's totally the end of everything!

 

No, I don't think that's the case (that he agreed to meet you so he could cancel). With my situation (and my ex canceling), once I really thought about it, if I was a new girl he was dating, he wouldn't have thought that it was okay to cancel on me the day before. I don't know your backstory, I'm just going off of what I am experiencing at the same time as you. I just feel that I'm making the effort and that he just goes along if it suits him. I would rather he just be upfront with me and tell me that he doesn't want to try to start again and that he doesn't really care to meet with me either way (somehow I think he's just trying to be a nice guy).

[Girl wants EX]

so you didn't meet your ex eventually? how long you dated? and does he like someone else?

[gromalamaz]

He canceled last Sat. for our Sun. meeting. He had called and left a voicemail explaining about his home renovations and said that he did want to meet up for dinner this week and for me to give him a call to arrange it. I called the next morning and he returned my call 12hours later! He said that he was sick and going to bed and that he would give me a call later this week. I called last night to see how he was feeling and to make plans to reschedule. He didn't call back (I had a freak-out moment that I posted about) and then he finally called tonight. He made no mention about not returning my call and said that he was not feeling 100%, but mentioned that he was on his way to meet a coworker and his wife for a beer. (hmmmm) No mention of getting together for that dinner, so I brought it up. He said he couldn't this weekend (told me his plans for both days) and suggested Monday or Tuesday and that he would drive out by me. The fact that he did not follow up with a call to schedule for this week, but he was well enough to go out with a coworker tonight, and that I had to bring up rescheduling tells me that he really doesn't care either way...

[gromalamaz]

Oh! We dated for over a year, lived together for 10 months, and have been broken up for 6 months.

[gromalamaz]

We broke up because we had a great deal of trouble with communication and we both went through a ton of stress and transition at the same time -- the relationship just couldn't weather it out. He didn't leave me for someone else, and I don't know if there is someone else now -- we don't talk about it. But, if there is someone else, it's not serious -- he could most certainly be dating...

[Girl wants EX]

Ok. I get it. I will let go of my ex. NC is really my best friend.

I am hurt again by initiating the contact.

[kodak]

If she played along.

 

He wants her to text/call him & ask when he's available. He wants her to sit there & wait for his response. If she shows him that she doesn't care (not initiating contact), he'll most likely stop & start stepping up. However, the longer she sticks around & plays his game, the more he's gonna play.

 

Thanks Psychgirly, makes tons of sense.

 

Girl Wants Ex, I think you're making the right decision. Why should he work hard if you're doing any form of chasing, he'll just think he has you and he'll get to you when he gets to you. But if you stop playing his game it'll force him to do something different, whatever that may be.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Psychgirly. He needs his ego boost so that is why he is playing this cat and mouse game with you. Stop contacting him..then if he contacts you wait for HIM to suggest date and time. Do not run after this guy anymore...just move on with your life.

[rapunzel]

Agree with CAD and Psychgirly.

 

If you are the dumpee, which I am assuming you are, you should not be initiating contact with him AT ALL. Especially if one of the issues was that you chased him too much while you were together. Guaranteed recipe to push him away further.

 

Back off completely and if he contacts you, don't jump at the first chance to spend time with him. Wait a few days to call him or text him back. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Girl wants EX]

Thanks. That is what I will do : NC.

With NC, at least I won't do anything which I would probably regret about later.

 

But sometimes I am also thinking: is it possible that he also tries to keep NC/LC with me so that I will increase more feeling for him?

since he might assume that I have moved on, as I said to him "I realize I never love you" after he broke up with me, and I have been acting quite cool.

This time I initiated the contact, a big part of the reason is that I need his guide on something I am doing, and when he cancelled the meeting he asked me if my case is urgent and if I can wait till next week.

[jasper01]

That's an interesting problem..thanks for sharing. Is he playing a game? Well, what could he hope to get out of such a game? It sounds like he is wanting space, and less contact, but at the same time doesn't want to go away permanently. And as before, he is not sharing with you what is going on in him, probably because he doesn't feel safe to. He also may not be fully aware of that and is acting without examining.

 

So, what to do about it. An interesting way to change that is to say with genuine interest, 'I noticed we had plans to get together a couple of times and you changed your mind..At some point, I would be interested in hearing what was going on for you..if you have any ideas about why that may be happening I'd really like to hear at some point.'

 

It is important to include the idea that you don't need an answer right away or need to know. That may be interpreted as pushing. It is simply an invitation to share. Act from a place where you seek to earn his interest and attention, and presume there is a valid reason for what he is doing. It makes sense to him..

[Girl wants EX]

You are absolutely right.

I am acting in the way that I was so protecting myself, that may lack of "sincerity"...

 

What do you think if I send him an email and saying "You mentioned to me you had an emergency, I just hope everything was fine for you. Take care."

Then go NC.

??

[majord23]

What do you think if I send him an email and saying "You mentioned to me you had an emergency, I just hope everything was fine for you. Take care."

Then go NC.

??

 

Nope.

Your motivation for sending the message is all about your desire to come accross as being a 'nice person' in your ex's eyes. You would be doing it to seek his approval.

 

NC is not about seeking anyones approval but your own. Let it be. Do nothing and you can do nothing wrong.