Is my ex playing a game?

[1MoreChance]

Nope.

Your motivation for sending the message is all about your desire to come accross as being a 'nice person' in your ex's eyes. You would be doing it to seek his approval.

 

NC is not about seeking anyones approval but your own. Let it be. Do nothing and you can do nothing wrong.

 

I agree with you. screw him. you are just trying to stay in his good graces and hope he comes back to you and he is playing you.

 

you deserve better than that. my ex strung me along for months and a big part of what I wanted was his approval because I have sometimes behaved badly toward him in the relationhsip (not during the months of being broken up an going LC - I asked forgiveness and am in therapy, etc. etc.).

 

Anyway... we stayed LC and I heard a lot of stuff that gave me hope ("I still love you", "it feels really wrong to not be together", "I regret leaving you", "in all probablity we will be back together in the future", (regarding a girl he dated for a few weeks): "I was always comparing her to you and she has no future, she's a nobody and you are a beautiful sofisticated woman", etc etc....). It's the truth! he really said those things. And a lot of mixed msgs (I want to be friends, ... i am not ready to be friends...)....

 

At first I wanted us to be back together, I told him I still love you and I want to work it out, he always said NO in the end.... then I realized I wasn't ready to be in a relationhsip, and told him that, but whenever we talked I cried a lot... he felt guilty and he knew I was in the position of weakness at that point. still I got my hair cut the other day by him and he flirted with me big time, showered me with compliments and the most deep gazes in my eyes, and then asked me if I wanted to go for coffee (which I did agree to...)... He sent me a text msg 2 days after we went for the coffee and it read "I really loved seeing you, have a great day sweetie". I didn't reply, it's been 4 days (HIGHLY unlike my past behavior), and really, in all truth, I don't feel like answering. In the end it's still gonna be the same mixed msgs, and hurt feelings and him flirting and disregarding the reality of the relationship (that I was hurt and hoped he would love me again).. It's not like he is doing it to hurt me, he is just as confused and insecure and stuff, but in his own way with his own needs and we are not a couple anymore and I feel we are just hurting more and more from having contact and we are not even compatible for a friendship at this point.

 

I don't know... I'm not perfect but in all my past relationships that I broke off I didn't give hope to the guys for like 6 months, it was over, that was it and I never flirted with them after and expressed deep feelings and at the same time act really confused... I think my ex is really needy actually and I'm not gonna be used to fill this neediness. We both deserve better than that.

 

... point being, it's over, and he is always gonna string you along unless you set clear boundaries and for me it means NC finally.

 

anyway thanks for listening, it does help me to write and I hope it gives you an idea that he is gone and you are hurting and you are just trying to analyse this to make the right move (to get back to something you guys had that is now over) and he is just basically stringing you along.

[1MoreChance]

You are absolutely right.

I am acting in the way that I was so protecting myself, that may lack of "sincerity"...

 

What do you think if I send him an email and saying "You mentioned to me you had an emergency, I just hope everything was fine for you. Take care."

Then go NC.

??

 

Don't you think that by leaving HIM hanging, for once, and not answering that little thing (that you want to answer just to show him you want him, and that is gonna have the OPPOSITE reaction that you want), that you are gonna gain so much more control over your life? Stop hoping and move on... Take the control back. there are othe rpeople in this life who would feel blessed to have you in their lives... even just friends, etc, if you are not ready to date... I think the best thing you can do is LEARN from this relationhip and this current situation.

sorry if I sound pushy... just trying to help myself and you.

 

take care

[jasper01]

You are absolutely right.

I am acting in the way that I was so protecting myself, that may lack of "sincerity"...

 

What do you think if I send him an email and saying "You mentioned to me you had an emergency, I just hope everything was fine for you. Take care."

Then go NC.

??

 

With someone who is pulling away, it is important to express interest in hearing what is going on for them - but also make them feel okay about getting away from you.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Repetition intentional.

[Girl wants EX]

With someone who is pulling away, it is important to express interest in hearing what is going on for them - but also make them feel okay about getting away from you.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Any 'tactics' to get them to change what they are doing will always push them further away.

 

Repetition intentional.

 

What do you actually mean? do you agree with my plan or not? sorry I don't really get it, the "non-pushy" expressions you are talking about. How about the message I want to send to him? Does it sound pushy or "tactics"?

[jasper01]

My view is that trying to figure out what to do or say to him to get him to start behaving differently is a tactic. And also that NC is essentially a form of punishment, same thing. I think avoidant people have highly sensitive antennas to the pushing of others and can even tell when someone is pretending to give space.

 

On the other hand, I believe an invitation to share at some point not necessarily in the present is just that and nothing else. It steps outside the 'game' by both not pushing and not pulling away. Remaining present in an empathetic and mature way. And who wants to get away from that?

 

Just my point of view based on my experiences and interpretations. Yours may be different.

[Girl wants EX]

I think what you commented fits my situation in some way...

as my ex is definitely better than me in pretending or playing some kind of game... he can definitely sense that if i tried to pretend being happy without him... he has more experience than me in terms of relationship, in addition he was kind of trained to tell lies i would say--- as he is a young lawyer.

yes, i will not push anything but remain some kind of friendly contact with him if necessary, but I will move on with my life, focus on working on myself.

 

Thanks for the wise suggestion and thanks to all for the support!

[Girl wants EX]

I tried to be honest with my ex today, told him directly that I wish to meet him and to learn about what's new in his life, at the same time I also revealed more what's going on in my life, and told him that I want to tell him more in person;

then, he first time suggested a meeting time after we broke up...the time he suggested was not convenient for me, then he said "let me know when you are available during next week".

 

Being honest&calm&non-pushy works better than NC in my case, he is not as cold as before, I feel.

Well, for sure LC for 1 month till now that helps as I have calmed down and reevaluate this relationship, also find out what I actually want in my life. I would say, I am not pround of myself for how I handled the relationship. I was so childish!

 

However, I can't expect too much, it's possible he has moved on and dates someone new. I have no clue at all.

 

Will see!

[wowwow]

My X did this to me for a while and we never ended up meeting. He dated others for months and now he is back emailing and texting as they did not work out. It's an ego thing for a man.

 

When I treat a man like that its because I am half into it and I would assume they are half into us. Ignore...............

[Girl wants EX]

My ex and I, have just finalized on the meeting for tonight... he offered to pick me up and we are going to have a coffee (no supper). It was him suggested the activity.

 

If I make up and dress nicely, will it be too serious?