i broke up with him last night by text message

[volpe]

So my boyfriend got the offer for the position in amsterdam and he accepted it. he knows there are not much opportunities for me there workwise and the pay is poor and i'm in debt. he plans to be there 1-2 years and come back.

 

he said he is 50-50 about us being together and getting married and that with him moving long distance it makes us being together 20%. he is a math person. to me, it is not about that, but about seeing where things go.

 

then he started talking about how he has this whole problem with feeling less enthusiastic going to amsterdam if he has to have a long distance relationship because he will not be as open with other people (women) that he meets and it will make life boring there. i felt what he said devalued a lot of what we have. he said more than this. he talked a lot of verbal diarrhea for an hour about his feelings and said way more than i needed to hear. i understood what he was saying but it really was disappointing that he sees things from such a position because i think what we have is very special but for him, he is too confused about it. tries to guess the future.

 

he said what it comes down to is that he doesn't feel as excited or lucky to be with me as he thinks he should be. that is what it all comes down to. i think he grew up watching too many indian films and has these wild expectations about how a relationship is going to make him feel. its crazy. he just is looking for some emotion that he doesn't have. but i think he is just kind of empty inside looking for a relationship to fill it. the only thing he looks forward to is dating people because he doesn't have any hobbies outside of work. he doesn't do anything he enjoys other than work.

 

i am disappointed. but i sent him a message last night that after everything i heard, i had enough and we should break up and we can talk one last time on the phone and all if he wants to for closure. i woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore because i felt sooooo angry with him for everything he said. i know that he is confused because after all that conversation he still wanted us to go on spring break vacation together, and i said no.

[Kalika]

Wow. I'm really sorry Volpe. It really sounds like he wants to be single in Amsterdam. Sometimes I really wish more people would say what they mean and mean what they say. It sounds like he let you hang there for a bit.

 

I hope you feel better soon, and that you find someone else much more deserving of your time.

[Wolf_22]

Breaking up with someone via text message is a horrible and immature way to end things. Regardless, it all comes down to you, the person with the finger on the button. While I resent your medium and mechanics, I think you two needed to break it off as both of you seem to require different people. Remember, though, that when someone is in a relationship with you, it never helps to perceive of their discussions as being "verbal diarrhea".

 

 

[Kalika]

I think she just meant he was spewing a load of crap

[Wolf_22]

I think she just meant he was spewing a load of crap

Well, I guess I can believe it. If what she says is true about what he said concerning other women or whatever. Such a pain! I think she's better off... Just make sure next time it's not with text, okay?

[volpe]

well, i talked to my brother about it all... and he said he thinks my boyfriend loves me but he is just scared and nervous and all this b.s. is coming out of his mouth but that i need to set the boundary.

 

i was just angry last night.

 

i am going to talk to him today and just tell him that he needs to get help from someone and work on his issues about relationships and intimacy. he has unrealistic ideas about relationships to fill his void inside. he doesn't even want to be with other women, he just doesn't know what else to do with his life. but also he is just so anxious to figure out where our relationship will go and is uncomfortable with doubts and uncertainty. thus we are both trying to make it certain by just ending it.

 

so i'm going to tell him he needs to get help and that he needs to stop telling me everything he thinks and he needs to figure out what he wants and that i need to be wanted.

[volpe]

I think she just meant he was spewing a load of crap

 

exactly!

[Wolf_22]

I guess it's safe to say that these things happen. I think it's also safe to assume that we all realize when we're young and stupid. With that being said, the ultimatum you pose is somewhat wobbly and very steep in expectation. You want him to change, right? Getting help for something is always noble, but do you intend on being there in the sessions with him, too? Relationships are 50/50. Changing issues like the ones you mention regarding intimacy sometimes take years of "un"conditioning and mental training--usually with the help of a professional, and with relationships, it's only that much more difficult to do. One thing you can hold your head high from, though, is your communication about the issue. It's good to see that you've acknowledged this and now that the scientific process is being exercised, there's only sunnier skies from here on out.

 

And while I'm at it, I'll throw in a rainbow face for good fortune: ...Okay, maybe some hair to match:

[volpe]

I realize relationships are 50/50. My part, as my brother pointed out, is to take my insecurity out of the equation and realize his wobbliness has nothing to do with me but is all him. So that I can just be present with his stuff without taking it personal. I would be fine going with him to counseling, but I am not so sure it is helpful. I can offer that of course. I am pretty sure, though, he needs to deal with this on his own. All I can do to support him is to draw a boundary and a line in the sand and tell him where it is. He needs a boundary because he is talking way more than he should be to me and I can't solve his problems for him. I am not asking him to make the change over night - I am asking him to start the process now. It is painfully obvious that he has these problems he needs to work on if he ever wants to be in a relationship in the future and he does have the tools and ability to do it, I have 100% confidence in that. But it is his choice of course, I can't make him do anything...

 

Thanks for the rainbow luck.

[Scorpion Fury]

I'm sorry, that really sucks. I don't think you should have done it through text message though, that's really weak. But I understand you breaking up with him. 50/50 is not enough for me. It also sounds like he wanted to break up and just couldn't officially do it.

[JadedStar]

I would be grateful at least for the honesty. He is not sounding like his 'love' for you is anywhere near where it should be for a committed relationship so it is so much better that he shared all of this with you vs saying yes, we can do an LDR and then just being checked out of this thing mentally while he is gone.

 

It sucks, but he was honest and that has to count for something. He could have lied as you would not have known what he was doing way over there in amsterdam.

 

As for what your brother said, your brother is not living in your b/f's head so what he says should be taken wiht a grain of salt. Your b/f gave you some serious words and i would take him EXACTLY at what he said and not try to find a hidden meaning or think maybe he didn't mean it...take him at face value, if not you are likely just going to hurt yourself more. After getting the info from him that you got (your b/f) I would not be at all interested in trying to hang on to or salvage this relationship. He was not exactly subtle in his words.

[volpe]

the problem is jaded star is that he is just confused. he does love me, he even said so and all of his behavior indicates that he loves me. but he doesn't know what "in love" is supposed to feel because he has never been in love. he is frustrated with himself actually because he doesn't know what his problem is. was abused as a child too. so i don't know if this has to do with it.

 

i'm not going to hang on to it, but i will be open to continuing to see how it goes if he is willing to see a counselor to work on his issues.

[volpe]

i should clarify. he said to me that he is 50-50 about us eventually getting married. 20% chance we would be able to make it 2 years long distance. this is what makes him think maybe it is better to be single in amsterdam because the chances of an ldr working out are so low.

 

so i don't know... i'm not going to fight for the relationship. if he doesn't make an effort to salvage the relationship, i am moving on. by the end of today we will either be broken up or together. i'm not going to delay this process any longer.

[JadedStar]

Regardless I would take everything he said for face value and that would be enough for me to feel very uncomfortable with the relationship and I too would have ended it, but not in text. But the medium of choice..that is over and done wiht now.

[girl68]

TEXT MESSAGE? So much for you being the mature one. I mean I know you're mad and all but TEXT MESSAGE? I hope he doesn't give you that last conversation; you don't deserve a conversation you deserve a text: "ok whatever, bye."

[lizzzy111]

Hey..ok i ended it with my non committed long distance guy over a text the other night....i had finally had enough of being strung along. I woke in the middle of night just like you in complete anger once again when he didnt follow through with something as simple as calling me back or all day for that matter so i ended it over text. he then called and we spoke and i ended it again verbally calmly explaining i couldnt do it anymore that its all or nothing. he hates me for doing it that way at 5am but I needed to do it then or i wouldnt have done it. I still feel lame about the text thing but this has been limbo for 2 years im trying to make myself feel better about it....i feeel good that its finally over and i told him to please stop contacting me and he suprisingly hasnt yet...

[volpe]

he is going to go to counseling. i don't know what is going to happen with us. maybe i should give up on it. but i am not ready for that yet. he apologized for everything he said and said he was just in shock about the whole amsterdam thing and knows he shouldn't have just said everything on his mind. he said he knows what we have is special and he wants to try to be with me, and while he doesn't know what will happen in the future, that's what he wants so... we'll see... i have a feeling we will probably break up but i'm not totally sure, so i'll just see what happens, let the thing play out and see what happens.