Mixed feelings

[sandrawg]

In my most recent posts, I explained how my ex and I have gotten back in contact with each other, after he sent me a text saying he wanted to be friends...

 

Since then, we've been emailing regularly and texting from time to time. We email each other about the stuff we used to talk about when we were together--movies, stock picks, songs--lately he's been sending me videos of songs on youtube that it seems like he's suggesting relate to our relationship.

 

One of them is this Portishead song where the lyrics talk about having poison in your heart. I am not sure why he thinks it relates to him, maybe because he is realizing he sabotaged us and has some regret; I'm not sure.

 

I think I'm just venting that, I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. On the one hand, I like being back in touch with him. During our NC period, there were things that would pop up that I'd want to tell him, and now I get to do that...I email him about things I know he is interested in, and vice versa...things we don't talk about with anyone else. It kind of fills that void the breakup caused.

 

On the other hand, it's like having a carrot dangled in front of you. It reminds me of the things I liked about him, but I can't have him anymore because of the negative things about him. So, in some ways, it is just frustrating to have just this little piece of him and know I can't have the whole enchilada.

 

Meanwhile, I seem to be developing feelings for this guy I have an FWB relationship with. I've known him for a year now and we have such an amazing time whenever we spend time together. I can't act on my feelings because his divorce was just final last weekend, and he's in no way ready for a relationship.

 

All of this is making me feel a tad bit frustrated. I wonder if I rushed too quickly into being friends with my ex when I still have feelings for him. I wonder if I should pull away from the FWB. I wonder if I should spend less time thinking about and dealing with both of these guys and just find one who CAN commit to me...lol Anyway, it's not like i've stopped looking for that. I dunno.

 

I think I am just going through some weird changes right now and needed to vent. Thanks.

[pushforward]

Cut contact with the ex. He will not change. You've been through this route before of him being nice, then he gets his way and he reverts back to his normal self.

 

Honestly, do you want to put yourself through that again? Don't let your heart interfere with something that isn't good for you. It's affecting your ability to think rationality and remember the harm he's inflicted, but you yourself accept him back into your life. Repeating the same things over and over again. It's never easy letting go of the ones you love and care for, but it must be done for you. Or you'll always be unhappy. Think about it in the long run, this short term instant gratification or start healing now and work on your long term happiness.

 

The guy you're developing feelings for, he's getting divorced, he's probably not ready for a relationship. You had a FWB situation with him before his divorce has been finalized? You're developing feelings for the guy? Maybe you should spend some time alone and clear your head. Or speak to the guy if he wants anything more than just physical intimacy, if you two aren't on the same page, you're going to have to let that go as well.

 

Lots of things going on here, you gotta figure out what you want and go for it.

[sandrawg]

Yes, I got involved w/the guy before his divorce was final. He had been separated 6 months. This was back in April of last year, during the FIRST breakup w/my ex. I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was he. That's how we became FWB.

 

I know if things continue with him, at some point I will have to have a talk with him about what he wants and whether things have changed, if his feelings have changed. But I think I should wait until his divorce is behind him for longer.

 

As for the ex, I keep saying...I'm not going to get back with him. But knowing that I can never try again is making it harder to settle into a friendship with him. I guess I'm testing the waters to see if a friendship is even possible.

[dreamwarrior]

Hi sandrawg,

 

Sounds very frustrating and confusing at the present time. I would suggest just giving yourself some space to breathe and think....don't go backward...things may seem great for a short time then after awhile it will go back to the same old way as before the breakup...life is to short to relive that misery over and over again....start fresh and find someone totally new...forget about fwb guy too...he might not be ready to settle down after the divorce and you definitely don't want to be his rebound...that is not fair to you...never allow anyone to use you ever!

 

What does your gut instincts tell you...that is your best defensive in knowing what is right...don't go with your head or heart...go with the feelings in your gut!

[sandrawg]

I don't know what my gut is telling me. Everything in my bones says, for sure, don't get back with the ex. That would be insanity.

 

As for the FWB, he's such an awesome person. He's funny. He's gorgeous. He's smart. He's laidback. He's honest. He's mature. He's a musician (I love musicians). We have a lot in common. We have great conversations.

 

There has been no drama between us. We get along SO well. But, been there done that before. I dated a guy for a month who, we had all the same great attributes together--amazing sex...got along well...etc., and he dumped me saying he "didn't see any longterm potential." So I know better than to think that potential ever leads to anything solid.

 

I've been dating, but I'm just not meeting anyone that I have any kind of connection with, like I do with the FWB or with the ex. I guess I need to just keep trying.