What's a guy to do?

[IMAbadman]

The wife of an acquaintance of mine seems to really like me. Actually her and I are really quite good friends and there's become quite an emotional involvement on both of our parts. This 'situation' has been going on for several months.

 

Anyway… early Dec. 03 I basically cut contact. I didn't see this relationship going anywere. She tried to speak with me a few times but I ignored her attempts. Then in Jan. 04 she catches me and starts up a text conversation. Says she'll call me later. I don't hear from her for weeks. Then she sends me an email and I blow the 'emotional' gasket on her and say "You're looking for a friend ship and I can't give that to you. I've gotten emotionally involved and I can't deal with my feelings getting dragged about." I get one of the standard canned hurt responses, "whatever".

 

Present time… this past Saturday a buddy and myself are partaking of several libations. Whoa… guess who shows up with hubby in tow. I'm polite, a quick hello and a smile but focus my attention elsewhere. Everyone is outside smoking and I'm in door mixing up one of those libations. Here she comes… and starts with the, "I really miss talking to you." "You won't look at me." To which I can't respond because just then everyone piles back in. Needless to say 30 min. later I take off without saying a word. Not because of her, it was those libations. We'll this morning I get this email;

 

>I wanted to shoot you a quick note from home. I am so sorry for Saturday

>night. I didn't mean to ruin your evening. I thought I was strong enough to

>be able to be in the same room and still respect your feelings. I was so

>hurt by the fact you wouldn't look at me or talk to me. Then when you

>finally did and I blew it. After all this time, I thought I would be able to

>hold a conversation with you as we have in the past without the heart

>getting in the way. I keep asking myself where do we go from here? Or should

>I say where do I go from here. I never in my wildest dreams expected this

>to go as far as it did and have such strong feelings as I do. I totally

>understand where you stand but yet can't seem to let go. Well, I won't waste

>any more of your time, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

>

>Hope you are having a great day!!

>

>T

 

After this she contacts me and wants to know what I'm doing tonight or tomorrow. My assumption is for a phone chat or she'll show up at my home.

 

Guys/Gals I know the moral issues of infidelity so please spare me that beating. I like this girl, I would like to remain her friend if I knew the relationship was going somewhere, however; if not I can't deal with the emotional beating. As we all know it sucks. I basically said to her when you have the time to put an effort into a relationship let me know until then I'm moving on with my life.

 

I know a few of you would like to are kids involved, yes. She has three: 18, 16, 8

 

Beec and you others lay it on me!

 

Thanks.

[GeeCee]

No, no, no you are not a bad man. Clearly, that is not the case, or you would not be on this forum beating yourself up.

 

You have gotten yourself into a situation. I am not entirely clear what it is that you want. You talk about her committing to a relationship, and you talk about your friendship. Are you talking about her leaving her husband for a relationship with you? Or are you talking about continuing your friendship, without the emotional attachment? Somehow the two of you have gotten close, and now only the two of you can decide whether you want to get closer still.

 

What is her relationship with her husband?

 

Are your feelings for her so strong that you will allow them to break up a family? Is she sure that this is what she wants to do? Or do you both just want to fool around for a bit and then return to your respective lives?

 

I am slightly confused.

 

G xx

[IMAbadman]

Well GeeCee let me see if I can shed some light on this.

 

You’re correct I have gotten myself into this situation. I’m flirty, flattering, and love the rush of giving women an emotional high. It does take two to tango… so… well there are no excuse. Our friendship started out with her confiding in me about their problems, i.e. not getting along, he’s harsh (verbally) on the kids, and she says she’s just fallen out of love with him. I listened empathetically and just became a sounding board for her. We began talking more and more and before I knew it she came out and said she thinks she’s in love with me and why I haven’t ‘moved’ on her. SO….

 

What is it that I want? I’d love to have a meaningful relationship. But I won’t involve myself in being a cause for their divorce. I’ve said if she has irreconcilable problems she need to do what’s best for her kids and her. Do I want her to leave (divorce) for me, honestly, no. She’ll have to do it for herself. I sense that the kids see the bickering, posturing, and cold-shouldering. I mean come on… kids aren’t stupid. Even with a divorce she would be a mental zombie for sometime and that scares me too. I just can’t handle being her friend with the feelings I’ve now developed for her and I don’t want to push a relationship or a divorce. And no, I don’t just want to fool around. Looking for something a little more consistent, long term,….. 2-doors, CD player, and a fishing boat. You realize there’s some humor in that right.

 

I guess I’ll know shortly what it is she wants to talk about and/or wants from me. I’m thinking sticking with the hard line… I can’t be the emotional support/friend with out the other benefits. (of course I’ll state that to her more tactfully) This just seems like I’m pressuring her to divorce, sort of a $hit or get of the pot type of scenario. Your thoughts? Any other approaches you’d suggest?

[Celadon]

Well, in some ways, this one's sticky. But in some ways it's not.

 

You want to have a relationship with her when she's free and clear. That's fine. You want her to be able to invest in you like you would in her, without the baggage of "I left him for you" or whatever. That's the non-sticky part.

 

The stickiness comes in two forms. First, she seems willing to cheat on her husband with you. That doesn't seem too cool, even if she is a 'victim,' which she very may well be. Just prompts a question in my head: Has she cheated before?

 

Sticky #2: If it's that bad, she has two choices -- try to make it better or get the he** out. I hope she doesn't want you to rescue her, because you don't seem to want to do that, or to be responsible for the downfall of their marriage. That's understandable -- it's her and her husband's deal afterall.

 

My suggestion would be to tell her you won't see her or communicate with her until she's available. Don't get mired in the muck, because it is muck if she's contemplating a divorce and is dealing with all the emotional baggage that comes with actually doing it.

 

IMHO, she needs good, supportive girlfriends at this time, not another love interest (no offense, you seem like a nice and caring person). Also IMHO, for her 9-year-old to see mom leave dad and hook up with someone new may not be the best or healthiest example.

 

Best of luck. Hope that helped. Let us know what happens...

[bluegirl1]

Well, Imabadman, you are not. I was in the same situation with a man a few years ago. I know how completely confusing it feels sometimes. It seems like you do have some standards for the basis of this relationship which are very similar to what mine were. In my case, I ended up keeping a distance and only socializing publicly, where it was "safe".

 

It came to be that his wife caught him in bed with yet another of his interests. He and his wife have divorced and he is still with the other girl.

 

Now that some time has passed, I'm glad I wasn't the one she caught, and that he and I are still friends. There is still a very strong attraction between us sometimes, but we play it safe just to save ourselves the potential drama.

 

I can't say what's right for you, but I thought I could share my experience. Maybe it will help.

[IMAbadman]

Well we had a short chat yesterday evening. She said she wanted to see me but couldn't get away because... I stopped her and said, "No, no excuses. K." For any of you who've ever been in a situation like this the excuses the 'person' will come up with would rival a 5-year old's with a BB-gun in a glass house. I mean I'm talking some truly thought provoking excuses.

 

Anyway a short 10-15 min chat. Lite, flirty, happy stuff. Wants to get together this evening now. My heart says hang-on and see what happens (it's of the hopeless romantic type), however; my head on the other hand says cut the cord and bail (it's logic defies Dr. Spock). Guess I'll see what she has to say and go with the flow.

 

I'll have to be strong... the temptations of a beautiful woman.

 

Thanks for the support/stories guy & gals.

[RosiePosie]

You're playing with fire...you need to listen to your logical side and cut off ALL contact with her...

 

Do not follow your "feelings"...they'll only get you in trouble...

 

If she gets too close to you, your logical side will be overwhelmed by the feelings/sexual part...It's up to you to not let that happen...

 

The time to make the choice is before you get into a situation you can't control...

 

Good Luck!!!

[IMAbadman]

Rosie Thanks. It's tough to just walk away. As I've stated I really like her and want a relationship. But if in her mind this is a fling or touchy feely friend thing I'm going to have to come down especially hard this time.

 

I cut contact before but unfortunately we bump into one another quite often (min. every 2 weeks) whether I like it or not. Mutual friends, hangouts, yade yada.

[RosiePosie]

Of course the right thing is sometimes hard to do...but it sounds like you're willing to take the high road...

 

It sounds like she is not so high minded...and why would you want to even have a relationship with someone you might not trust???

[IMAbadman]

OK... didn't hear a peep from her at all yesterday, no phone, no email. Around 7:00 PM she shows up and says lets go get a drink and mentions she has to be home by 8:00 PM. I get dressed, I was wearing shorts and a tee shirt, and we take off. We get drinks, have a little chit chat but things felt uneasy. You know the feeling… just didn't seem right. We take off and as she pulls into my driveway I say thank you and wish her a good evening and hop out. I'm walking to my door and notice she's sitting there in the drive and I glance back then she finally takes off.

 

A little after 9:00 PM she calls and wants to know why I was so short with her… "Huh?!? What do you mean? I had fun, we laughed, I laughed, didn't you?" Here it comes… the TALK. Basically her feelings are we don't communicate anymore and we constantly fight. That I've stopped coming around, I don't call her, I don't email her, and she misses that. She's right, I don't. I hardly ever stop by anymore because I feel uncomfortable with being together with her and her husband, jeezzz that's like rubbing salt in a wound and I'm the one that's wounded. Not to mention the guy imitates my mannerisms, speech, attire, actions, I wear a neck chain so he buys one, I like wine now he wants to like wine, he's even buying the music I listen to now, it's all very, very creepy. And yes, I do believe this is because of how her & I interact when we're together.

 

I mention that we don't spend anytime together anymore and that yes, we don't communicate like we use to. I feel that there's too much withholding from one another so "feelings are spared" rather than just being open and honest. She says she never thought from the beginning that she would become so involved in me. That hit bone, I asked well when this all started what did you think was going to happen? Was this a fling?

 

I explained to her that I don't feel it's a matter of one of us not having feelings for the other but rather my feelings were being constantly hurt due to the situation. 1) I don't like being the "other guy", I can't except that. 2) I feel that I'm not getting the time and attention I need. 3) We hardly ever get together to talk face to face – I want to interact with her one-on-one and she feels we should hang out in-group settings, i.e. friends, me, her & her husband. 4) I also can't deal with our communication being from 8:00 AM – 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. (I want to have fun, do exciting things, not another job) I went on to explain that because I have feelings for her more so than friends, I can not just be her emotional support "friend". I explained that I'm not cutting communication with her because I want to hurt her or as punishment but rather I need to stop myself from being hurt. I need to mourn the loss and move on.

 

She seemed upset by this, understandably. She rephrased my discussion with, "So what your saying is if I don't make a decision right now your going to just stop all communication with me?" I explained that I'm pressuring her, I'm not asking for any decision right now, tomorrow, or in 30 years. I stated that she needs to do what's right for her and that I felt she seemed content with her situation but I need to stop myself from being hurt more and move on with my life. Hey I want to be happy too. Right now I feel like I'm a toy that gets pulled out of the box when she needs a smile and a laugh. When she's done I'm cast upon the floor. Man… makes me wonder what went through my Winnie The Pooh's mind when I was a kid.

 

Needless to say the call didn't end up on a happy note. She said her headache was returning and we were both feeling hurt. And with that I wished her a good night.

 

Looking back at what I just wrote I feel sorry for myself. I fell in love with someone who can't return it. Pathetic huh?!?

 

I should have spared myself another emotional whipping and said give me a shout when:

1) Your ready for a relationship

AND

2) Your ready to invest the time in me that I invest in you.