Why do you break up?

[colly]

Why do you break up?

 

 

I have the question above in my mind a lot.

 

I have recently broken up with my partner of 4 years yet neither of us seems to have moved on and speaking for myself, I am pretty miserable without her – despite it not being the best relationship ever.

 

So I keep asking the question, if you are not moving onto something better, or see something better on the horizon for yourself, why put yourself through feelings of loneliness, lack of sleep and eating?

 

It doesn't figure (unless of course something like physical abuse is going on, in which case the reasons are obvious

 

 

It didn't figure for me the last time I broke up, but turned out that in the end, someone was on the horizon for her, but that's a different story.

 

So does anyone have any opinions on why you would want to subject yourself to feeling like this?

[sphinx999]

because eventually you will find some one perfect for you and you will heal, otherwise you will just be miserable for the rest of your life. Every relationship has a natural ending and you just have to let go.

[Princess777]

I think we break up because we think that ultimately we deserve better. Even being alone would be better than going through whatever you're going through.... it's a weighing of pros and cons. Right now I am contemplating divorce while knowing in my heart that I'll be miserable without him...... it's a no win situation. I feel for you.

[woopsydaisy]

Good subject.I dont know why we break up...i can understand your point about why.. been lonely etc.For me most recently i broke up with a girl because i was unhappy and communication broke down and trust went out of the window. And i lost a lot of respect for her ..and i couldnt see the point in us being together.But even now i panic in thinking have i made a big mistake and i realise how much i love her but then i again i think about it and realise i may just be feeling lonely.I personely think that if your in a relationship only until someone better comes along your wasting your time ( and i know i might be wrong...personal point of view)..arnt you just using that person? and treating them like some used condom?!! it doesnt seem like love to me ? and thats when you should bail out of a relationship.

I agree with sphinx whats the point in being miserable if after time if you carnt work things out ?.

[colly]

You all make interesting points.

 

Deviously, i asked this question as it sort of relates to myself.

 

 

For this, i apologise

 

At the age of 21 i have had 2 serious girlfriends and several short relationships

 

Now, in not one of these have i ever called it off, thus i have no experience of reaching a point when i personally want it ti be over, so i cannot identify a reason why, if you will excuse the bravado of myself, anyone would not want to continue to be with me.

 

Its just something that set me thinking. Somewhat feeling bad that i must had made someone feel such a away that they wanted to no longer be with me. (gf of 4 years)

 

Further opinions are welcomed - i guess this is just something to do with me...

[rivergirl]

I don't know why people end seemingly loving relationships. I've recently dealt with a very confusing end to a relationship. The ultimate reason for it being I believe lack of communication. We had an amazing, fun, wonderful relationship together until we had to turn it into long distance. We were always extremely close but when it came to only being able to communicate over the phone it all went downhill. He had to deal with the death of a close friend and I think our inability to express our feelings over the phone pushed him away during that time. When I went to visit soon after he just stated his feelings for me weren't the same anymore. He also said he thought I felt the same way. I didn't. But I can't help but think if I had been able to let him know how much I cared through the distance we might have had a chance. He is also living in an area where there is a lot of pressure to party, drink, get crazy (resort town) and I think that made him have mixed feelings of his commitment to me. He wasn't ready to give up his wild life. Especially when I wasn't even there. It's been a really rough break up as I was completely in love and wanted a future with him. I still of course, like all of us, hold out hope that he may realize his "true" feelings and we could consider a reconciliation. The other long term break ups that I have personally experienced or seen happen to others usually have to do with another person coming into the picture. Bad news. I'm glad to not have that happen to me as it was how my parents split as well as my first love. Very heartbreaking. So although I don't completely understand people's reasoning for ending long term loves I do see communication break down and the "other" person as the most common cause.

[davew]

I've been thinking about this question a lot lately too, since my GF of 2.5 yrs just left me. We had a reaaly great relationship, but we had some problems last year where I wasn't giving the relationship (or her) the attention or commitment it desreved...we pulled apart for a while and she had an affair. This was a slap in the face for me but was enough of a wake-up to make me realize how much I neglected her, and we got back together. Things were really great but she never got over the guilt, and had trouble fully letting go of the feelings she had for the other guy she had been with briefly. He was a nice guy with many similar interests, and sometimes she would miss him, as is normal...but the guilt got to her, and I didn't help any by getting mad at her and showing how much it hurt me all the time. She never saw her self as "a cheater" or the type of girl who could do that to somebody...and in the end she (and I) dragged her self esteme down so low, being with me just made her feel crappy all the time. She didn't want to leave me (the person) but had to leave the relationship to get her head above water again. So the short version of my long answer is that sometimes they leave because they have no other choice, its what that have to do to make themselves happy and healthy. But it is very hard for them to do too...they are convinced its the only choice, and often it is given how things have become.

 

You just have to be thankful that they have the strenth and courage to stand up and take care of themselves...this is one thing we love in them so much, right?

 

dave w

[Princess777]

Greetings again,

 

I suspected this post would spark a lot of replies also....I wanted to add a few things... I think that a lot of times people break up because they have a set idea in their head of what a relationship "should" be like, and when their current relationship doesn't measure up to that, they begin to doubt that it is their destiny to stay with that person, and that there might be somethone better out there. Unfortunately, there are good and bad points to this attitude. The good points are that you would keep your standards high and wouldn't allow the low-lifes to take advantage of you (for long, anyway) and you would also keep your self esteem high. However, the downside is that you might let the love of your life slip through your fingers just because he or she doesn't "fit your picture" exactly, and then it's too late cause they're gone, out of your life. I think that a lot of people break up because they are not willing to take all of the bad with the good, and marriage is even harder because you're supposed to take the bad with the good but sometimes you just don't know how much more you can take, or where to draw the line. I guess I feel like the bottom line is that no one should break up with their partner if they feel like their love for that person overpowers "putting up with" their faults even though they drive you nuts, while at the same time reassuring yourself that being without that person would make you even more miserable.

[kungfumaster]

I have been reading a good book about why relationships fail - this is more or less from Bruce Fisher's "How to Rebuild after your love relationship fails".

 

A love relationship is like a bridge with the two pillars supporting the bridge at the ends representing the two people in the relationship. The bridge (relationship) is only as strong as the two pillars that support the bridge. When change occurs in one or both of the people in the relationship, it strains the bridge itself. Some changes are too great for the bridge to handle, and it falls apart into the river. In people, such changes maybe a result of personal growth, reallocation, education, religious experiences, attitude change, anger, anxiety or reaction to stress or trauma from a death in the family or an accident, etc.

 

For myself, in my first serious relationship - I didn't give enough - I wasn't keeping my end of the bridge. I would always take and let her support the bridge. So she broke it off with me - and that was fine.

 

For my second and most recent serious relationship - I learned from my first - I gave alot more - but then I didn't take very much (I trained her not to support the bridge). So that didn't work too. I got too tired of giving all the time at the end (supporting the bridge) - I was hurting myself in the process (carrying the bridge alone was hurting my health and my mental state - I was an emotional wreck). So I just couldn't handle it anymore - the bridge was too heavy so I just gave up and let it fall into the river. On a less abstract level, I had to reallocate too, and that put a major strain on the bridge. I guess both of us weren't strong enough to adapt to this change, so on top of that, and the above, it just failed miserably.

 

I think I have learned alot about what it takes to build and maintain a good relationship. I hope in my next relationship (crossing my fingers), I will be able to give and take in equal quantities. I will know to pick an individual who will know what it takes to maintain a bridge (communication, ownership and boundaries). I hope I can find someone who is knows herself well enough, and is strong and sure enough in herself to be ready to put in that effort in maintaining a good relationship. I know now, I will be ready, after I've healed from my recent break up, which will take I'm not sure how long.

 

You know, its funny - no one really teaches us the two most important things in our lives: 1) how to build and maintain a good relationship and 2)how to raise up children. I guess we ultimately learned from our parents, but how many people can say that they want a relationship like their parents?? I know my parents relationship is okay, but it could be better. That's what I want.

 

Anyways, have a good night everyone - actually -everyones probably asleep by now, except for me

[woopsydaisy]

Very good point kung fu master...hi yaaa!!.They are the most important things in our lives.... learning how to develope relationships is something we all do throughout are lives no matter what class you come from age or gender.And our relationships good or bad have a major impact on our day to day well being and overall happiness, and one of those important relationships you will ever have is with yourself..a skill i have yet to master.

[fantasia2004]

I agree with kunfumaster he is so to the point. And everyone else with their points of view. It helps alot and makes you think too.

 

Communication is the key. For my ex-boyfriend and me, he in my opinion decided to leave the relationship because he was not happy with ours and felt that he could not fix it so he decided to start fresh with someone new in a week after ending it in order to be happy and work on himself. To me that is sad that he has finally changed after us but I must deal with it.

 

My question is are they running away from problems in the current one(relationship) when they are miserable and unhappy and jump into another one right away hoping this person will supply their need for the happiness? Is that like rebounding? Does it work or am I not getting the picture clear enough? Confusing to me at least.

[Finch]

Well that's a really complicated issue to touch on, and it should be different for each person. I guess the primary reason that you break up with a person is because the relationship is so unhappy that you two spend the majority of the time in bad issues than having a good time together. A relationship is suppose to be beneficial for both partners in the relationship. Of course this isn't true 100% of the time, but for the majority of the time it must be true.

 

I understand that you're lonely right now, and probably depressed. But after coming out of a long relationship with a person like that it should be absolutely normal. I mean if you think about it, you shared a long term relationship together and you haven't had the feeling of being alone. No doubt you two spent a lot of time together, so you two no doubt depended on each other for some things. Now that she isn't there to depend on, you feel more alone than you ever have been.

 

Well you need to understand that just because you are alone now, doesn't mean that you won't be in the future. I think you first need to move on past this previous relationship and then you will be able to date again. Personally, it doesn't sound like you have moved on from your previous relationship and you need to focus getting over that at the moment. Many people make the statement that you need to love yourself before you love anybody else, and I believe for the most part that is true.

 

Break ups take time to heal, some take longer than others, but at one point or another they always heal. You should be okay. Try not to focus too much on the negative side of things and worry about things you miss with her. Instead, focus on things that will make you a happier person. Perhaps working out, spending extra time at work, etc. Improve yourself as best as you can, and the more you do the better you should feel and the closer to recovery you will be.

[kungfumaster]

Fantasia,

 

I think you are exactly right - your ex's relationship now is just a rebound.

(That is, assuming it is an intimate relationship - if its just a friendship, then it is probably healthy for him).

 

I think when a person jumps into another (intimate) relationship relatively fast after the break up, then he/she is not doing him/herself any good because they haven't fully healed from their "love wound" - although they think they have - they are just in denial. They are just running away from the hurt that comes naturally with any ending to a love relationship - they don't want to experience it, so they pretend like they are healed and happy already by being in another relationship. What they don't realize is that if they don't let themselves feel the grief and pain that comes naturally from the ending of a love relationship, they'll never grow within themselves; they'll never learn what went wrong in the last relationship, and what they need to fix within themselves. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that ended their previous relationship - and hence the term "rebound" relationship - they don't last (well, most of them anyways).

 

Many people are so afraid of the grief and pain that they should experience after an ending of a love relationship that they jump from rebound to rebound relationship just to runaway from the pain - they never really fully heal, and hence they just experience break up after break up. That is what I think anyways.

 

So Fantasia, don't let your ex fool you with his current relationship - he is in denial - you are doing better - you are dealing with the reality of the ending of your love relationship - you are grieving, which means all the emotions like anger, depression, frustration, confusion, loneliness, etc. You are doing fine by yourself for now - you don't need another love relationship now because you have to heal yourself first before you can even consider another love relationship - friends is the key word here - we'll need them now. And you see, some of these friend might turn out to be a lover in the future - but only after we've healed. We are not ready yet for another love relationship because we need to love ourselves now, and heal ourselves, before we can give love again.

 

Have a good night - may your angel keep you safe always

[fantasia2004]

Thank you kungfumaster for your insight. I believe you are right.

 

 

It has been 4 months and it has been hard. I even broke the "no contact rule" But I am willing to start over again to get it right to bring closer.

I truly need to move on with my life and can't stop my world from progressing for him, my ex I mean. Again it is very hard to go alone when you were so used to being a couple. That is why I chose not to look back. How much crying can I do?

 

 

I thought the rebounder is the one who was dumped not the dumper. Maybe this new relationship he has with this person is going to be good. After all he is probably and is intimate with her. How will that affect the person that is involved with him if that matters at all? I mean if he is in denial? He claimed to me that he had made changes, changes that he should have made while I was with him. When I brought that to his attention he really got defensive and said "nothing I did was enough for you"! I don't know but it helps. After all it has been only 4 months.

[kungfumaster]

Fantasia,

 

I hope you are doing alright. Please - cry all you want - it really helps - and actually, if you have some advise on how to let those feelings come that make you cry, please tell them to me because I'm having a hard time crying - I try to, but it just doesn't come - I've done it sometimes, and afterwards, it feels great, but I haven't done it enough I think.

 

As to only dumpees that have rebounds - is not true. Dumpers have rebounds too. You see, dumpers go through the same sort of feelings as dumpees do - except that dumpers feel more guilt, and dumpees feel more rejection. But dumpees and dumpers feel the other stuff too after the ending of a love relationship, i.e., grief, anger, sadness, low-self esteem, etc. However, dumpers just get a head start on these feelings while THEY ARE STILL IN THE RELATIONSHIP - and dumpees unfortunately have no clue until they drop the bomb. It sucks eh

 

But, the point is, dumpers also need time to heal, and sometimes, they don't want to take the time to feel that pain of grief, and so they try to jump into another love relationship so that they don't have to. But if/when their rebound relationship ends, it hurts twice as much as when the first relationship ended (to quote from a marriage therapist Bruce Fischer - he noticed that people didn't start enrolling in his course "How to heal from the ending of a love relationship" until after their rebound relationship ended, not after their first relationship ended). So, I hope this helps Fantasia.

 

And to be honest, I don't care a smidgin about my ex's boyfriend right now - I hope their tires blow on their way to vacation in Niagara falls

 

Anyways, hang in there Fantastic!! Haha

[fantasia2004]

Kungfumaster,

 

I'm trying to but it is not easy and I still cry a little.

 

It was wrong for me to break that rule of "no contact" I did call him for 4 months ugh! Not to mention when my ex, and I met a few times (a big no, no), he used to treat me as if I did not exist in public like a stranger! Like he had amnesia. But then again, I put myself in that position and have myself to blame. He would disrespectively smile and act seductive and sleazy in front of me towards other woman after the breakup that is. Terrible! And childish.

 

But that is over now. I am just bitter that he did not respect me during and after the relationship and he was not aware of it. In time he will realize what he did was wrong then again maybe not. And then again who cares? I have to grow up too. His new girl friend helen yes I know her name too, will deal with his nonsense now and boy will she give him a run for his money. My only fault was giving him too much power. But I have learned tremendously from this and will rise above it. Like I said before. I never want to see him again! Bleah! And I lent him money and still I was left holding the bag with the hole in it. No appreciation. Yeah I am bitter. But enough already!!!!!!!

 

And time to get on with my life.

 

Want to know the funny thing? I had to buy condoms for him when he was to afraid to do it himself. Terrible! He is a Ivy league guy too. From slick to stupid to stupid to slick minded again. From stud to dud.

 

Don't worry Kungfumaster, I will share my experiences on how to deal. But I think you have taught me alot.

 

Question: why do they change the second time around with the next person in their life?

 

Maybe we can join forces and give our exes a karate chop!!!!!!!!!!!