Is this relationship even worth my time anymore? I need your advice

[w8ting4it]

Hello everyone.

 

So, this is my first time posting on a relationship forum. I'm a strong, independent woman that, until recently, is able to handle pretty much anything and move forward in my life. However, my relationship is at a breaking point, or perhaps its me at the breaking point in the relationship. Either way, I would appreciate your advice as I attempt to battle through the emotion vs fact. In an effort to give you the background without his becoming a novel I will attempt to stick to the major points.

 

I am 31 and my bf is 34. I was single, by choice for 2 yrs prior to this relationship. We met at work as we worked on the same floor of an office building. He woed me. In the beginning, and I mean the first few weeks of dating, he would take me out, pay for everything and be the ultimate gentleman. we had great convo where it appeared we came from similar growing experiences etc. No things moved very quickly. After 3 weeks he asked to be exclusive and was already saying sweet but intense things such as "I believe I came back to Canada to meet you" etc. I was brutally honest about such points as I dont want to be with a party boy, I dont drink anymore etc etc. I am a person that lived a party lifestyle for many many years and have reformed my life over the past 3 years. Anyhow, the first few weeks were great.

 

Shortly thereafter I started noticing that he never had any money left after weekends (we were on the same pay schedule) and I found more and more that if we were to do anything I would always catch the bill. Normally this wouldnt ave been an issue but it was a drastic change. Then (and I am speaking within weeks here ) it became increasingly apparent he had a binge drinking problem. I am talking all night, then an after hours and getting home at 10am. Still, I was open and honest and told him again I will not tolerate this in my life...he convinced me "he was trying to change but it was slow". I stuck by him.

 

Skip forward to 3 months.He was laid off (no fault of his own). I was now paying for everything and he was crashing at my place while I went off to work. (keep in mind I have yet to let him actually move in). Anytime he got money it would disappear and couldnt be accounted for ( although it was none of my biz because we lived sperately etc it was simply getting very costly for me). Then I saw the pattern(s). Money = bar and heavy drinking. Then I learned of the insane online gambling problem he has. We spoke openly about everything and I stuck by him.

 

Things were becoming increasingly frustrating for me due to the finacial strain and the fact that a grown man was sitting in my condo while I worked. It was very obvious he was not driven to find work and his parents were sending him money...which he was drinking and gambling away. I found this disrespectful and immature. Now comes the usual, I read his email seeing as he was on my laptop all day and things just werent adding up in my mind. So, I found emails he had sent to escort ads at 6am after a night of binging. These emails were sent shortly after he and I started dating. I ratted myself out and told him; I was furious! He said that nothing happened, I told him to leave and he went and got hammered. After a few days we spoke and I believed him, kinda. Email checking turned to reading his texts, checking the phone all the time and all the crazy girlie things. Of course everytime I looked there was more to be found. The texts to the ex gf to meet for drink, learning he lied about were had been etc etc

 

Come 6 months, he is still not working and I have now been laid off due to this recession. I am still paying his way and now he is living at my place pretty much all the time. I lose it and tell him he has to (1) quit gambling immediately and stop binging all his $$ away or we are done. He agrees..two weeks later I cach him red handed and he lies straight to my face. I call him on it and he said he wasnt going to stop. I said even when I sit here and say "it or me" that is your answer? He says yes...stupid woman takes him back.

 

Fast forward to now. Nothing has changed except we fight alot more, I have zero trust in him. He still has no job and his parents are still supporting him while I am still laid off and paying for everything. He is still spending is money online gambling and binging anytime we have a fight so when he returns to my place surprise there is no money and I am buying the food etc. I am tired and cant believe the amount of insanity I have already endured with this guy in less than a year. I have told him I will not live with him while he is like this yet he doesnt change. All he wants is for us to live together and he is hell bent on the idea that we will get married lol.

 

My bday was thursday, needless to say it sucked. I read his email, I found that he lied to me again about where he had been when he went home after our last blow up. I sent him home (again) last night (valentines day of all things) and he actually got mad at me and left in a huff because he didnt have any money coming till Tuesday..I gave offered him half the food in my fridge and all the change in my wallet (keep in mind pls that I am also not working and I dont have the luxury of parents willing to support me). He cused me out and actually took the change. I havent heard from him once since. He will wait for me to check in on him

 

So, there is the novel...sorry about that. Now I know it seems pretty cut and dry but, he loves me and I do in fact love him. He is a great person in every other way. I mean he is loyal and in touch with his emotions and has depth of character. I just dont know if I am wasting my time. This is immature and irresponsible action from him not to mention addiction related. I need your opinions here cause I am just too lost in the situation to see it clearly. Perhaps the escort emails should have been enough huh?!

 

If you made it through all of this thank you so very much!

[dreamwarrior]

We have alot in common..if you have time to read some of my posts, you will get the jist of what I am going to say to you...do yourself a favor and RUN away from this guy....do not date him anymore.....I am being straight with you.. coming from a woman with almost the same exact thing...don't waste one more minute with him...he will suck the life from your bones...you will start fighting more and more, you will resent him, and if you cannot trust him and he lies to you..........no way!

 

I was with a meth amphetamine user for 5 YEARS!!!!....I went through such h*ll with this...he didn't come home for DAYSSSSSSSSSSSS...losers hanging around, stealing my stuff, secret phone calls, weird e-mails/phone calls....way to much drama...I financially took care of him for 95% of this time...he wanted to marry me, loves me...blah blah...I told him to never talk to me again in this lifetime....and I darn well mean it...yes I am lonely, but sooooooooooo what....I can sleep at night not tossing and turning wondering where he is at or what he is doing...I used to go through his pockets, but after awhile I didn't even give a care.

 

My god the list of things I had to endure from this addict nearly drained the very life from my soul....psychic vampire.

 

I could write a book on this subject....oh and how many times was he going to quit using drugs and he don't have a problem, can do it on his own...just a load of BS !!!

 

Oh and let's add he spit right in my face............I just cannot get over that...where was he when I needed his love and emotional support.

 

God, you deserve so much better...he is NOT worthy of you.

[w8ting4it]

Thank you for your response. Thats exactly what my head tells me and likely exactly what I would say to anyone with my story. I just dont understand why it is so hard? I question if I am being untrusting because of my own baggage, if I am neglecting all the wonderful thing like how he cooks for me or loves my dog or is great with my family etc. But I just keep coming back to these other issues and it is draining me. My friends are all commenting on how I have "changed" and they have never seen me so unhappy and "weak". I am miserable and he would be the first one to tell you that. I am bitter and wake up pissed off all the time. When he calls and I hear his voice it actually makes me mad...I just wonder what he is NOT telling me know...and I know that he went home last night, felt sorry for himself, got exessively drunk and stayed out all night.

 

I neglected to mention above that during all of this I have also been going through biopsy's for the great big C. I am under a ton of stress and this relationship is suffocating.

 

I am going to search out the posts of your similar story now....

[waveseer]

He may be a great guy aside from his addictions, but it doesn't sound like he's ready to recover from them yet. If you involve yourself emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, or spiritually in his life you are exposing yourself to his diseases and you will become sicker and sicker (and so will he). Someday he MIGHT be ready to recover, but it will not be because you stuck by him it will be because he decided to take responsibility for himself and his condition.

[dreamwarrior]

Read my first post...called a Cinderella story..there are alot of posts...hopefully, my tale of woe, will make you realize that you are what is most important.

 

I won't lie and say it didn't hurt me to break it off with him, but I had to make the choice of who was most important...I WON!

 

You have more pressing issues to think of than his drinking, lies, and drama.

 

How dare he do this to you.

 

My ex's bad qualities out weighed his good ones....make a list and see what you like about him and what you don't.

 

I didn't trust, respect, or admire my ex...and with that said...he was history.

 

I broke up with him last year, but he spent most of last year trying to win me back and nearly had me, until my gut feeling told me noooooooo way...I said to him right in his face in uncertain terms there was going to be no more anything between us...I finally made it clear just before Thanksgiving he was never to contact me again ever in his lifetime...I was mean, hard, cold and cruel.....did I make the wrong choice to leave him.....?? NO!! Just the thought of him still makes me angry...do I want to spend the rest of my life angry......?? NO! Even to think of him coming to visit my roommate while I am at work makes me want to vomit!

[w8ting4it]

You know I am writing the list right now; its kinda sad really.

 

I just realised that I have never met one of his friends? Come to think of it, outside of him basically living with me I have no clue of what his life outside of my apartment is. Not people nor places he hangs at.. nothing. Thats strange isnt it. Its almost as if he doesnt exist outside of these walls. Seems strategic on his part

[dreamwarrior]

I know his family and the other addicts he hung with and I am so glad they are ALL out of my life...wish I never knew them.

 

I was in love with an imaginary person...he never existed...only in my mind.

 

He was so selfish...can you believe he was more concerned about me taking care of his needs rather than being concerned if my teeth were falling out of my mouth.

 

Well, now let's see...he wasn't there to hold my hand in the waiting room before my mammogram....when I had the flu he wouldn't take care of me, instead he would either fight with me as an excuse to get out of the house.

 

One thing I hate more than anything is someone lying right in my face and I know it !

[w8ting4it]

WOW!!!! I just read your "not such a cinderella story". I am sorry you had to experience such drama but I am so happy that you have found your way back to YOU.

Youre story is, like you said, very similar to mine. In fact I think I have been blessed by your words and strength. I too have a great 52nd foor condo by the water and until recently had a fantastic job etc etc. I just used the last of my savings to pay my bills for this month and if something doesnt give immediately I will lose my place; which breaks my heart because I have worked so hard on my own to get this far in my life. I realised while reading your experience that I have to listen to my head NOW...the alternative is to allow his life to engulf all I have worked so hard for. I too have waited, with the child grown walls and cold strong demeanor, for real love. I thought this guy was different and I wanted to let go and fall in deep. I did and thank god for that small voice inside that said "uhm hello??!!". You have inspired me, reminded me and I thank you! Perhaps tonight I will sleep soundly again for the first time in months

[sombersun]

I wish i could meet someone like you! I get a good vibe from your writing.

 

Listen, alcoholics are a drag and so are gamblers.

I love to play the company $5 powerball and buy the scratch offs every once in a blue moon but come on!

 

my addiction is to cultivate good eating, movie watching, and sex in a harmonius relationship. probably just as bad i don't know.

 

You need to draw the fricking line! You are better off worrying about your own tail than his. This dude is a drain unfortunately.

 

best of luck

[w8ting4it]

Thank you sombersun; I believe in vibes

LOL I am also guilty of buying a lotto ticket; now I'm just more aware when I do it haha

 

Thanks for the support I appreciate it

[sombersun]

It sounds like if his parents are always going to bail him out he won't ever learn the lesson of HOLY COW! I need to take responsibility...be accountable blah blah yada yada or else i'm fricked!

And this is even beside the fact of being in a teamwork relationship.

 

I recently broke out of a relationship that left me in the same spot.

Scratching my head thinking w-t-f?

I'm not perfect and nobody is. But if you listen to your inner voice...you will go with the flow. Sometimes you just can't fix a situation.

One of those I love you but this isn't meeting half my needs let alone all of my needs.

 

And it wouldn't be so bad if the drinking and gambling was under control AND coincided with responsibility.

Or if he was responsible enough to at least say ...look i lost my job and things suck but i'm going to take this time to screw around with vegas and some partying ...is that cool with you? oh and i hope it's fine because my parents gave me this money for our rent and this won't be forever....i dunno.

Maybe you could suggest that and see how it fares.

 

Do this and THEN this.