Am not coping so well

[so-so-sad]

It's just doing my head in and im really not coping so well.

Four weeks ago my b/f just stopped contact.

We had split for a month in the Summer but kept in contact. (we work in the same place as well)

Then he asked me to go back with him and things were good.

He started to get a bit funny with me after Christmas but didnt say anything about calling it off. Then he just stopped taking my calls. Ignored everything.

I even thought the guy had been in an accident or something at one point.

Ive seen him at work since but he refuses to acknowledge me and i have left him alone as its work and not appropriate to bring anything up there.

 

BTW the guy is 42 (im 38 )

 

We had been together for three years.Been best friends, he rang me everyday and we saw each other most days.

 

NowI cant understand why someone would do this. He wouldnt even answer me when i left messages just asking him to talk or to let me know if it was over. He has never actually told me it is over - I have had to work it out myself.

I was hanging on for ages.

Its been the most painful experience.

i feel drained and my self-esteem is shot.

I also have to face this guy at work everyday.

 

I know i must have really p##sed this guy off but I honestly cant understand why he had to do this to me.

 

i read these forums as they are comforting and after the initial distress of the first two weeks have maintained NC for two weeks now.(Dont really have a choice anyway! but i am no longer leaving any messagesfor him to ignore)

 

does anyone have a similar experience or any advice ~?

I understand the relationship was flawed and its good thats its over but i miss him dreadfully and feel that the way things have ended is messing my head up. Its like I need an explanation but want to keep up NC and not go running after him.

 

what should i do ~? any ideas will be greatfully read.

This guy took up alot of my life and without him i am quite lonely.

[ladyjp]

I had a similiar situation when my bf and I broke up. I am with MissKitty that the vanishing act is the most hurtful and so so selfish. When my gy did this and ignored my calls and texts I finally , heartbroken, just left him alone. He finally text me one late Saturday night inquiring how was I doing. We are still going back and forth not together but a little contact.

All I can say is don't contact him and tell yourself it is over. If he comes back around you will have to decide if you want him back but hanging on is too painful and puts your life on hold. Just heal and don't do what I did and make rash decisions. spend time with good solid friends and with your self. No dates until you are healed

[scorpio47]

Seems odd that someone at that age would act so immaturely. The only thing that comes to mind is that I had an ex who cheated on me and after I found out, she was ridiculously cruel and would not return any calls. I'm not saying he cheated, but it could be the same reaction - just a poor way of processing guilt.

 

The only thing I can think of anyway...

[SpeedingCars]

I've had that happen SO many times.

 

He ignored me for 3 months. Stopped talking to me altogether. It hurt like hell the first month; I questioned EVERYBODY, asking what was wrong with me, if he's dating someone, what did I do wrong, etc.

 

But you know what? I realized...in those 3 months, that I was a better person. I felt sad sometimes and mad, but then you kind of grow from it. You start to become REALLY angry and then you come to the point where you think, "Wow. It really is his loss."

 

I kept saying to myself it was inevitable he was going to miss me.

He came back and called me like nothing happened..

 

Call me weak, but I acted like nothing happened also. I just didn't even want to address it. So now we're talking again but we just got into an argument two days ago & I have no idea where we stand.

 

Just a precaution: if he does come back, don't let the issue slide. That was my problem. I still have resentment and trust issues from that. He disappears A LOT and sometimes it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes it's days at a time or weeks.

 

Use this time to your advantage. Don't analyze what went wrong, why he isn't talking to you, etc. because it's not worth it. You'll drive yourself CRAZY!

 

It makes me sad that people do this when all they can say is "IT'S OVER". I also texted him once saying "If it's over, JUST TELL ME" and he never answered. I guess in a way, he wanted me to be there when he was ready to 'come back'.

 

Feel good about yourself that YOU aren't the coward. Do not call or text him any longer. I stopped & yeah, I felt bad because I wanted to talk to him. But then the next day, I felt relieved that I held onto my dignity and pride.

 

You will feel better. Hang in there

[Mattds]

It's very hard - but the focus now has to be on healing yourself... be kind to youself, be nurturing... and start the healing.

[so-so-sad]

thanks everyone.

 

I have deleted his numbers so that I wont call or text him.

And i keep asking myself why would i WANT to be with someone who could treat another person like that.

 

you are right miss kitty and jf. It is cruel and selfish.

scorpio - i too think he must have met someone

 

speeding cars~: thanks for your reply.

It sounds like your ex and mine had similar issues.

They put you through hell.

Sometimes i'm so angry, sometimes so sad but mostly just hurt and kinda shell shocked that someone i cared for very deeply and who claimed cared very deeply for me could do this.

 

I too, after a week or so just started texting 'if its over please please just let me know'.

I left answer machine messages begging him, almost crying, to please please just say something, even if it was 'stop calling and texting me'. But I got NOTHING. NOTHING.

 

The guy said NOTHING.

 

And you're right. Trying to analyse why just drives you crazy. but its hard not to as we were (or i thought we were) in a close, caring relationship.

 

We were friends before we got together and were in contact everyday, spending all our free time together. I really dont want to get all bitter but its sooo hard not to.

 

Thanks again for the replies

[so-so-sad]

..

I did the same. He did the same - nothing. not one word. I know how painful it is.

 

I cant believe people can be so cruel. Do you think they realise how much they are making the other person suffer ? i am sorry you had to go through this too misskitty.

 

Did your ex ever explain why he couldnt just tell you it was over. I mean how hard is it to just reply to a text ? what is the matter with them!!!!!!!

[1MoreChance]

that dude sounds sooooo immature.

 

you can do so much better than that.

 

take care of yourself, make new friends, join a club of some kind, take a class...

 

forget him, he cannot fullfill your needs.

 

you deserve better.

[SpeedingCars]

Sometimes they don't WANT to hurt you which is why they aren't contacting you.

 

People can be so thick in the head sometimes...

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you are feeling better.

[ladyjp]

I too, after a week or so just started texting 'if its over please please just let me know'.

I left answer machine messages begging him, almost crying, to please please just say something, even if it was 'stop calling and texting me'. But I got NOTHING. NOTHING.

 

The guy said NOTHING

 

So So Sad, I did the SAME THING! Why, what , is it over, just tell me, yadda yadda and you know what- they gy said NADDA! Like Speeding Cars, when he came back, I said nothing. Let it go, and guess what? He still pulls the vanishing act from time to time and is doing right now! All I can say is don't beat your self up, we all do it. Learn from it and don't do it anymore. He will probably come back and you won't understand what happened. I hate to say this but with my guy, I have come to feel this is a character flaw and not going away. So ask your self "do I want to live like this".

BTW- MY GY IS 46! FOR REAL 46 AND DOING THIS HIGHSCHOOL IMATURE STUFF

Stay strong and don't think about why he is doing it. He just is and you can't change it. So for now, move on with things as if he is out of your life.

[so-so-sad]

that dude sounds sooooo immature.

 

you can do so much better than that.

 

take care of yourself, make new friends, join a club of some kind, take a class...

 

forget him, he cannot fullfill your needs.

 

you deserve better.

 

thanks 1morechance.

Gonna keep trying to put him behind me and build up my life without him.

Its tough though as i feeling really down

 

I hope soon I can look back and say - phew! Good Riddance to bad rubbish

[so-so-sad]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you are feeling better.

 

 

Thanks for your kind words SpeedingCars

[so-so-sad]

Stay strong and don't think about why he is doing it. He just is and you can't change it. So for now, move on with things as if he is out of your life.

 

Gonna try to remember this - think it may help keep me sane!

Sounds like you got the right kinda attitude jp.

[so-so-sad]

I hate feeling this bad.Sometimes it feels like i'm obsessed with the whole situation. If only he could have talked about things properly,things could have ended on a more mature note with no bitterness.Yes I would have been gutted but i would have understood. I wouldn't want anyone to stay with me if they werent happy.

 

Now I feel all confused, and a total mess.

 

I am very thankful for this site tho, and all the kind words and good advice offered.

[ladyjp]

Listen So so Sad, you will have these moments. I did and still do. But as hard as it is to imagine now, time heals all wounds and it will heal this one too. I don't know if you are a spiritual person like me but if you are, lift it up and ask the big gy to take this one off your plate. He may not bring back gy but he can give you strength and peace.

 

Another thing: ask yourself what is it about gy you are missing? Sounds to me like he didn't exactly treat you respectfully. My guess is your ego is hurting more than the wine and roses he delivered. I know it hurts like hell. Trust in knowing he is SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!!!. I hate to say this but as he sees you don't give a rats %$% if he comes back or not- he will come back! Men ( and I use that term lightly for gys like my gy and sounds like yours) like this are all immature and play games. Keep your pride and forget him and his selfish ways.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT HE IS DOING. Only take on the things you can change.

My Mom passed in may and let me tell you- she was a strong woman. Strongest I have ever known. Her words in my ears gave me strength with my gy and she use to say" He's making a fool of you- don't let him do it!!! " Mama knows best

[so-so-sad]

You're right jp. Gonna hold my head up high from now on.

Your mum sounds like she was a great woman.

 

I need to take more responsibility for myself and my healing and stop obsessing about that stupid man.

 

If anyone else was in tis situation I would be imploring them to move on as they deserve much better. So Im gonna say that to myself from now on.

 

Thanks Jp - you have made me feel a lot stronger.

[ladyjp]

Yes, Mom was smart and wise. Noone ever walked on her and few even tried! I heard something I liked the other day that I thought I would share with you

"Never make someone a priority that only makes you an option".

 

So until Mr. Wonderful makes you a priority- he isn't worth your time.

Why would he be? Because he gave you a few good times together? There are Men out there that would be so grateful for a woman that is loyal as you are to this gy that doesn't deserve it.

Do you like music? There is an older song by J Lo called All I have. She says all my pride is all I have, you'll be needin me but too bad".

Head up- Shoulders Back!

[so-so-sad]

Yes, Mom was smart and wise. Noone ever walked on her and few even tried! I heard something I liked the other day that I thought I would share with you

"Never make someone a priority that only makes you an option".

 

So until Mr. Wonderful makes you a priority- he isn't worth your time.

Why would he be? Because he gave you a few good times together? There are Men out there that would be so grateful for a woman that is loyal as you are to this gy that doesn't deserve it.

Do you like music? There is an older song by J Lo called All I have. She says all my pride is all I have, you'll be needin me but too bad".

Head up- Shoulders Back!

 

thanks again jp

 

Its Saturday.I got through another week.

I feeling ok today. Have planned to see friends and family.

 

I know I will still get bad days. Especially as I see him at work.

But when I do, I will be looking back at these posts ! ! !

 

Gonna check out that song too.

 

I wish you all the best jp. take care of yourself.

 

And to anyone else who is hurting like hell. There's some really good stuff on the healing after a break-up forum. I have found it really positive and empowering. We CAN heal ourselves and move on.