SO CONFUSED. but i still want him back!

[parlae]

hey everyone

my name is chelsea and i'm 18.

i'm new to these forums so bare with me if this is a little long.

i tried posting this earlier, but i guess i took too long and i lost all of what i wrote.

so this time i'll try to shorten it up.

(i'll gladly tell more details to any of you who'd like a better description of the relationship)

 

let's see...

me and my ex were together for almost three years.

we met in high school and we were totally in love. when all of a sudden he dropped the bomb on me that he was going to the navy.

we decided to stay together while he was gone and i really thought that would just make us stronger.

up to a point, it did. but recently everything has just went down hill.

 

he's been gone since november of 2007.

and we've NEVER broken up, until just recently...December '08.

he had been acting different for a few weeks.

so i asked him what was wrong and he said that he was disappointed in the fact the he was doing so much with his life and at the same time, i was still doing the same thing when he left for the military. (i wasnt in college,i didnt have a job,etc.)

it made sense to me that he wanted his woman to be successful and not someone who just depends on her man to do everything.

i fully understood that. but i didnt think that was a reason to break up. but i just sucked it up and agreed with it. because i just knew in my mind that we'd work everything out like we always have in the past.

so i applied to colleges, had interviews for jobs, and everything.

then a few weeks later he told me he was ready to be my man again because he saw how much i had been trying to better myself. the way he said it, i just thought he was letting me know that we'd be together again EVENTUALLY.

so a couple days later i had said something about i wish we were together.; he got MAD!

he said we had "already discussed that" and that he thought we were already together.

so i told him i was sorry that i misunderstood him and that we could be together.

but he said NO! he twisted my words and said he thought i was saying that i didnt want to be with him. crazy!

and ever since then, things just got worse. we were still talking everyday. but he wasnt doing the things he normally did.

like, he never called when he said he would. he'd only talk to me during the day while he was in class or training,but at night when he had better things to do with his friends,he would just start ignoring me.and he just wasnt even trying anymore.i was the only one putting effort into making communication with him. (obviously in a long distance relationship, the communication is pretty much all you've got. so when that starts going away,it doesnt even feel like a relationship anymore)

so i got tired of him not trying. i told him i felt like he was pushing me away.and he would just continuously tell me that he wasnt trying to push me away and that he was still so in love with me.

so i just let it go.

i mean, i couldnt get mad.because we werent in a relationship anymore, so he didnt owe me anything..he didnt HAVE to call me everyday. but for someone who claimed to care so much, i still expected him to do those things, ya know?

 

well, he got a chance to come home january 18th.

i was so excited. i knew that everything would be ok once we were face to face.

i was WRONG.

he came to see me,and at first he was kissing me hugging me telling me he loved me and missed me so much.

but i kind of distanced myself because i knew if i didnt, we'd go past kissing.

and since we werent together, i didnt wanna take it that far.

so he got mad and of course, i gave in.

it was really akward...he was makin love to me and it just wasnt the same. he was looking into my eyes the same as he always had, like he was completely in love with me. but it wasnt right. i just kinda felt like something was wrong.

so after we were done, i was just sitting there not talking to him. because so many things were going thru my mind. i was actually kind of disappointed in my self.

and he got mad again. he said "you shouldnt be acting like this while i'm finally home. you should be happy"

and he said he was gonna go to his mom's house for the night and just come back to see me tomorrow.

i tried to get him to stay, but there was no changin his mind.

i just kissed him and he left.

i didnt even say i love him and i feel really bad about that now.

that was the last time i seen him.

i called&texted him for the next two days, but no response. i couldnt believe he was ignoring me.

then finally on the 21st, he texted me and all he said was "i dont wanna be with you.i care about somebody else.stop calling and texting"

it was so heartbreaking, but i didnt believe what i had just read.

so i called him to ask what was going on. he said "didnt you read my text? i dont wanna be with you. i'm on the phone with ******* (the new girl) bye"

its still so unreal to me, how the love of my life could do that to me. and say it so cold. like he was heartless. i've never seen this side of him before.

he's always been very loving. up until that day when he said he didnt want to be with me.

i tried NC, but that only lasts a couple of days with me. i always find some excuse to call or text him. but its no use, he never answers...

the only time he did answer, was the day after that happened..

i told him i needed some closure to get over him and needed some answers.

i asked him why he came to see me if he doesnt want to be with me. why did he tell me that he wanted to be my boyfriend again. why did he get mad when he thought i didnt want us to be together.

his answer to all three questions were "i dont know"

obviously he has a real answer, but i'm guessin i'm not good enough for the truth from him...

the one answer he did give me, was when i asked him: how come after three years and everything we've been thru and everything we've overcame why is it so easy for you to let it go and not remember that i've always been by your side.

his answer was, "to be honest, all you did was be by my side,nothin else. it was just me doing things for our relationship.and i dont want that anymore"

are you KIDDING me. that has to be a joke.

because i've done more for him and our relationship than i've ever done for anyone else in my life.

he isnt remembering everything i've done,and even the things i've gave up for him. and that really hurts me.

it makes me feel like i'm just nothing to him.

 

and i really find it hard to believe that he doesnt want to be with me anymore.

in my heart, i KNOW he still loves me.

i was reading thru messages he sent me only a few weeks ago and there was one that really stood out to me

he said "i'm so in love with you.and you've got my heart for life"

how can he think THAT only weeks ago, and now his feeling's are totally different towards me.

i'm so confused and i really wish i could get some answers from him.

but thats out of the question at this point.

 

i loved (and still do obviously) him unconditionally,whole-heartedly.

and even though he's hurt me really bad and done things that i never expected to happen with our relationship, i still want him back.

i know he's my soulmate, my one & only, whatever else you wanna call it.

 

so i'm here asking for advice.

or even opinions, related stories, anything that you guys think would help.

what should i do to get my ex back?...i need to do something. FAST. before he falls in love with this girl that is sooo not right for him.

trust me, all i want is for him to be happy (preferably with me!). but there's alot of things about this girl that are red flags to me.

i'll explain more about her later if any of you want to know.

but another reason i need to get things better soon is because he's going to afghanistan in march!

and i'll never forgive myself if i cant even get us back to the "friends" stage before then.

 

his birthday is february 6th. and he's still home by the way.

i'm not sure when he has to go back to the naval base.but i'm pretty sure its soon.

(edit: i found out from a mutual friend, he goes back to the base on the 7th)

 

but like i said,

any advice is greatly appreciated.

i really need some hope that this will work out for us to be together.

 

thanks in advance everyone.

 

[cruzer]

what exactly can you do at this point? he dont respond to your texts, calls, questions. he says he does not want to be with you anymore. how can u possibly change that when he obviously does not want to change that and is not willing to atleast talk to you?

 

he probably said what he had to say to get u in bed, thats just my honest opinion.

[redhearts]

When I first read this without going any further, I was like man this guy cheated! Then I kept reading, oh well he has a new person in his life, he did cheat. He came home to get some last minute action, things didn't feel right during sex because he probably had sex with someone else. The military changes some people. Then when they are on base most go partying it up with the buddies and messing around. You guys had a good run, a good relationship, but you can't force anyone to be with you. The biggest mistake someone can make is trying to get someone back. The best thing to do is ignore them, simply ignore them. If it was meant to be they will come back. But why sit around wait for a guy? Or try everything possible to get a guy back who isn't worth it? Sometimes you just got to move on in life, work on yourself. What makes a guy get jealous? That you have your own life, that you don't need him, that your in school, your happy, you moved on. That is much better than moping around and trying to get him back. Three years, probably the only bf, or only serious bf you had. Maybe one of the strongest reasons you want him back is because you haven't really been single or he was your high school sweet heart or you don't think there is anyone better. There are plenty of guys and plenty who will treat you MUCH BETTER.

[SighSob]

redhearts is totally right.

 

I want to add one more thing: texts are texts and should be deleted.

My ex sent me a super-sweet text just the day before she dumped me for someone else...and I admit the first weeks after the break-up I was like "how could she think this just a couple days ago and now be with someone else?".

The answer is: what your ex said in texts is NOT to be taken seriously. Just forget about this * * * * * * * . He used you for sex and now treats you like garbage. He could have been the greatest guy in the world back then, but right now he's obviously a horrible person you don't want to get back with.

[parlae]

thanks guys,for the advice.

it's hard for me to think of moving on when i feel so strongly that our relationship is meant to be.

and,redhearts, you're right. i havent ever really been single. before me and my most recent ex got togther, my previous boyfriend and i were together for about a year and a half. so i actually went from one serious relationship to another.

but this one actually loved me. and its hard to accept the fact that i've done something to make him not want to be with me anymore.

i'm trying really hard at this point to make myself go completely NC.

not that i want to move on, but only because i know that within this next month of NC..if he misses me at all, he'll call or try to make some kind of communication with me atleast to check and see how im doing. and if he doesnt, then i'll know it's probably the end.

i would love to atleast be friends before he leaves for afghanistan.so we can keep in touch while he's gone.

does that make sense to you all?

 

i mean, we've never had problems in the past. any other time that he's came home,everything's been fine. i visited him in california and stayed on base with him a few months ago..even then,everything was great.

so i guess thats why this hurts so bad, because there's never been any problems in our relationship prior to this.

i mean, of course everyone has their arguments...but what i'm saying is, we've never broken up or even gotten to the point where it was even an option to us. it's just all so new to me.

 

i dont know, obviously i'm still really confused. and i want things to eventually work out for us.he wasnt my first love, but i feel in my heart that he's my TRUE love.and i can't let him go.

i must sound really stupid to you guys,right? lol.

 

oh and one last thing,

do you guys really believe that NC works?

just curious.

 

[parlae]

oh yea,

about his new girl.

she constantly emails me, etc. (on myspace)

everyday she'll send me a message just to say something like "he's moved on" or "you should've done a better job keeping the relationship together"

that really pisses me off. she has no right to get in the middle of this.

 

but the red flags i mentioned...

she was with another guy who is stationed at the same navy base as my ex.and as soon as he was deployed to guam,she started flirting/messing with my ex.

and as i told you all, my ex is deploying in march... so if she did that to her ex that she was with for 7 months, i'm sure she'll do it to my ex (her new man) when he leaves.

and that really pisses me off too. she's just not right for him. she's not the type who is faithful and who stands by her man thru it all.

[cruzer]

Just ignore the new girl, same crap will happen to her, she is too stupid to see that he done it to you, he will do it again.

 

Your not stupid or wrong to have the feelings ur having, their all normal.

 

i really like how redhearts put it. if he is the one for you ,he will come back. he knows u still care a lot about him, there is no reason for you to contact him any more until he contacts you. the only thing u can do is forget about him, continue your life. it will be hard, ive done it before, and the girl contacted me about a month later. she seen how i did not need to talk to her, or see her, or she did really care for me. anyways, the same will happen for you, maybe not in a month, maybe after he realizes this new girl sucks?

[parlae]

thanks cruzer

that really made me feel good.

everyone on these forums have already helped me out so much. and made me see things in a totally different way than how i was originally seeing it. and i've only been on here a couple days.

i appreciate everything that you all have said.

 

and as for the new girl,

yea she sucks lol. and eventually he'll realize it.

i know deep down, no matter what he says about not wanting to be with me, he KNOWS that i've had nothing but love and devotion for him. i'm a real stand-up person, and i've been so committed to him.ALWAYS been faithful and ALWAYS been by his side no matter what.

i thought a man would LOVE those qualities in a woman. but i guess he'll start appreciating those qualities more when he sees that his new girl doesnt have them at all.

 

thanks again everyone