coping with abortion

[issybellebow]

I had an abortion about 5 months ago, and apart from one drunken breakdown i have not spoken nor dealt with the experience. The father was a very recent ex partner (broke up over long distance) and although we couldn't be together we were still very much in love. When i told him i was pregnant his reaction was nothing short of heartbreaking. He was completely unsupportive and at one point even claim i was using it to "get him back." I told him in a mature way and offered my ear if he ever needed to talk.

I did not hear from him until a month later when he asked me if i had dealt with the issue. I was due to have to operation 3 days later, he didn't offer any support, let alone any financial aid.

About two weeks after i bumped into him at a bar where he blamed me for ruining his life, claimed i had "killed an innocent child" (he isn't religious, and doesn't have any morale objection to terminations), and then went back to it being something i had made up.

I don't know what hurt most, the whole experience or his lack of support for me through the difficult time. I don't mention the whole ordeal and if it is ever brought up i change the subject. I was wondering if anyone knows of ways of coping with abortion, as I feel like part of me was aborted to?

[Whiskers]

I imagine, though I'd like to say he was an idiot, that in fact he had some issues of his own on the subject but refused to voice them. Drink can be a remarkable truth serum and as a result you probably got a taste of the thoughts he never told you, for whatever he reasons be it because he wished he'd been able to offer a better solution or he was frightened.

However, whatever his reasons, it must have been heart wrenching to suffer.

As for getting over abortion? Well thats something a few (sadly) of my friends have had to go through and though I don't have any real objection to it, I have issues with some peoples reasons, who wouldn't?

I understand that your body takes a while to adjust to the fact that you aren't pregnant any more and I imagine that this makes it a lot harder to handle, also that it takes a toll mentally and physically.

First make sure you don't blame yourself, I believe you thought it through and made the decision based on good reasoning - don't feel bad becaue a man who wasn't there and doesn't know, has feelings based on what you said and what he fabricated.

You shouldn't feel guilt for it.

Second you should talk about it. Sadly it's proven that talking with someone about everything lightens the load and I believe you really need that right now. Someone to listen, to comfort. If you haven't talked about how you feel, it's manifesting into something bigger and something harder to cope with and it's going to make the moving on process slow and painful.

As far as HE is concerned, have no contact. Heal yourself and don't worry about how he is dealing - it's not your problem or your responsibility - it takes two to make a baby and the consequences should be dealt by both.

Concentrate on yourself...heal from the inside out and if he wants to talk somewhere down the road, make sure you are strong enough if you say yes - and don't feel bad about saying NO!

 

If you want to talk anyone here would be glad to...but face to face would be more ideal.

Take care.

remember...tal, look out for yourself and don't question your decision - now good will come of it.

XXXX

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi OP,

 

I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help. First off, know that you did the best you could at the time and nothing happens without a reason. I know those sound like cliches, but cliches come from somewhere, don't they?

 

It's important to know that your boyfriend was wrong in just about everything he said. An innocent child? He didn't care about that child one way or another, as long as he had no responsibilities to meet for it. So don't let him make you feel guilty; he probably doesn't like himself too much right now. His remarks are all about him, even if they look on the surface to be about you.

 

Can you find an online support group for women who have been through abortions or perhaps a counsellor? If money is an issue, there are many, many online support groups and boards for women who have had abortions. You will be able to find support there.

 

I know you feel sad at the loss of things that might have been, at the loss of your baby. You did what you thought was right. Go ahead and cry the tears, they will be cleansing. But do find someone or some people to talk to. Shared problems are halved, and good luck.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. This site may be a good resource for you right now. link removed

 

It offers post abortion support and is neutral because it does not push a pro-life or pro-choice agenda.

 

Of course, continue to post here as well.

 

As for your ex, I'm sure there were some painful and confusing emotions that he went through as well- but his behavior is terrible. If he didn't want you to have an abortion he should have made it clear when you told him that you were pregnant- instead he acted like he wanted you to abort and then badgered you once you did just that.

 

At this point it sounds like he just want to mentally torture you. I think you should have no contact with him.

 

((Hugs))

 

BellaDonna