sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 You told your weight now shes gonna think youre a complete fat fake failure cause guess what? YOU ARE. *will be another 40 pounds lighter in a few weeks, youll see, ha. ha. ha. youre such a goddamn fatass* Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 No one's a "fat fake failure". *hugs* You mustn't lose any more, because right now sarey's bones are her figure. I've seen it with my own eyes. Big, sad eyes, full of tiredness. Tiredness of all this. Pretty, big, sad eyes in a face becoming more and more hollowed. A body getting brittle from all the ways it's being broken. A broken heart trying to break down into bone. This is what I've seen... So maybe...you don't want to grow up because you just want to have your childhood back like it was supposed to be? Like it should have been? And once you grow up, you know there will be no turning back, no getting back that piece of your life you are already grieving -- your proper childhood, your innocence? You feel robbed of it, and maybe if you can put off growing up, and stay frozen here in between, you won't have to look back over all that you lost and can't get back? Stuff people stole from you that you should have had? Am I even close......? Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 You're close. Close enough. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 No one's a "fat fake failure". *hugs* You mustn't lose any more, because right now sarey's bones are her figure. I've seen it with my own eyes. Big, sad eyes, full of tiredness. Tiredness of all this. Pretty, big, sad eyes in a face becoming more and more hollowed. A body getting brittle from all the ways it's being broken. A broken heart trying to break down into bone. This is what I've seen... That's all lies & you know it. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 Not ate today Ha ha "Gaining power, every hour, one more pound, I know I can do it" Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 *sighs* WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THIS I AM SO GODDAMN WEAK DAMMIT Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 709 709 709 709 709 Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 oh nope haha purge time. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 whydidiidothatwhydidiieatotdaynowicantfastyoustupidfatcow Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 not even 4 hours now till i have school so tired need sleep *sigh* what fun tomorrow will be school mental work required doctor appt with a crap gp tomorrow will either be the start of my future or the start of my death. -sigh- Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 -sigh- I didn't have the nerve to stand up to him, however, he weighed me and I told him about the purging and restricting and starving, and being sick without even using my fingers, and I asked to be referred to a dietician, and he said he would refer me to an eating disorder clinic instead. Not all bad I s'pose. I'm now wondering if the ED clinic will do a medical examination on me, like blood tests, weighing me, height, etc. I will defo discuss all these concerns with them WHEN I get referred and see them, seemed better, because they're trained, and he looks like he's not. He also said to take the medication for the acid reflux and also paroxetine will probably irritate my stomach, *wow, nice reinforcement of taking them*, I don't even know if I want to take the poncy paroxetine, grr. He also said that there are a lot of symptoms with eating disorders, and I asked if chest pains was one, as well as headaches and odd vision, and he said yeah, and that the acid would burn my food tube causing pains, But... I get sharp pains? Dammit. I should have * * * * ing asked for a echocardiogram for my heart, because when I am on my left side, I put my hand over my rib and I can feel my heart thumping as if it wants to escape through my rib! like I can actually feel each beat. So I get scared and lay on my back instead or my right side. But I used to be able to lay on that side without any problems. But I get pains in my neck and chest and arms and everything. Grrrrrr. WHY THE * * * * AM I SO GODDAMN SCARED OF STANDING UP FOR MYSELF?! *sigh* Guess I'll have to * * * * ing wait till I see someone from the ED Clinic now. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 i feel so sick i don't want to eat anything i feel so f*king sick Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Letter from Recovery. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Recovery. You may have feared me for a long time but hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you because I believe you can do it! In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". You don’t see this but I tell you it is true, you have amazing talents. You are not perfect but that’s okay, no one is! All you have to do is try. Your time is not wasted on thinking and talking with friends and drawing. Such acts shall be encouraged! Your friends try to understand you, they may not but they try only because they love you. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" why would they lie?! I tell the truth too. Your parents, even though you yell and scream, you know that they love you, and care for you, none of this is an obligation they wouldn’t care if they didn’t love you! I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are proud of you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has done nothing but show them how much of a beautiful young lady she has grown into. I would never change all that. I will just make it even better! I expect a lot from you. You are going to have to work hard, I won’t lie but when those thoughts creep into your head and Ana tries to tell you your fat and ugly I will be here to fall back on to. I will show you this is not true and you have much to live for. You won’t have to count calories or restrict food but embrace food and the heath and happiness you will receive. For a while, you will be moving along with much motivation but when the first hurdle comes along… don’t give up! You will see how much clearer your mind thinks and you won’t have to worry about your hair falling out. I will never tell you that you’re not good enough. All that matters is when you fall down is that you DO get back up. I will expect you to follow a meal plan and decrease your exercise, but is this too much to ask for in exchange to your happiness? I will be here to encourage you. I will help you to release your anger in a positive way and to know it is okay and healthy to feel those feelings of fear and sadness; don’t be afraid this is the beginning to a life. I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and are afraid of breakfast; I will help you through it. The numbers on the scale don’t define who you are and the obsessive thoughts, pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay but soon you will see the beauty that stares back at you. You prod and poke at your body never being satisfied so I will show you satisfaction when you can go through a day and not have the feeling of passing out and you are able to work and play. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 3 meals, 2 snacks and a 10 minute walk. I am the one helping you figure this out, because I want to see you happy and healthy. I fill your mind with thoughts of positive thoughts, things that are happy to think about. I don’t want to rule you I want to be your friend and your way of a healthy life. The hunger pains show you that you are alive and your body does work. It needs to be nourished so give it what it needs for once! Don’t be fake… when you feel sad it is okay to cry. Talk to other people and find support, we cannot do this alone. When mealtimes come around don’t be afraid! I will help you, its okay, I promise food will not make you fat. If you eat, all the control your eating disorder has will be broken... I want this for you but you have to want it too. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models you see everywhere are not happy, don’t long to be them. You would never live life to the fullest. When you look in the mirror, Ana distorts the image. She shows you obesity and hideousness but I will help you to see the truth. When there is a starving child in the mirror I will change that to a beautiful, healthy, strong, nourished woman. Please eat again, our relationship will be beautiful and your enemy, Ana will come crashing down and have no control over you. Sometimes you will have bad days and want to purge or starve yourself but think about where that will get you? Look back and see how sick you really were and how you were not happy. Hold onto faith. When you want to turn back to Ana out of fear, ask me for advice because I will help you see reality. I don’t want you to hate yourself or to be in any pain… You have to want this also; our relationship won’t be successful if you don’t want to help yourself. When Ana wants you to hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache, cut to see your blood, to feel you deserve whatever pain she gives you, I tell you don’t listen! Why are you going to hurt yourself because other people hurt you? Talk about your hurt instead of stuffing it and you will heal. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out and I am here. I care!! You are deserving of recovery! Ana is unfair! She causes you more stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness never go away, calorie counting and obsessions only cover them but that can’t last for forever. I help take away these feelings for good by healing and facing them head on. Ana has a weak spot, we must tell everyone! If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how she makes you live, all hell will break lose. She has made you a starving, hurt child. Fight back!!! When others comment, listen. Cling to everyone that tries to help you let go of your eating disorder. She your worst asset, and she intend to keep it that way but it doesn’t have to be that way. I am here, I do truly care. Sincerely, Recovery Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 had a cup of soup. ;s *sighs* Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 fatfatfatfatfat can feel it everywhere. urgghh Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 back to school tomorrow shall i starve? fade away? sounds good. =s SOUNDS HORRIBLE no it doesn't YES IT DOES doesn't DON'T EAT DON'T YOU DARE no food after 12am tomorrow begins ha no food none none none don't give in failure weak failure weak fat failure weak Link to comment
sarey Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 off to sleep I go, into dreamland, seemingly safe, until awakening, thoughts scream, feelings pour, but fake smiles will cover it all. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 bleh im waking up now haha time to get through todays HELL. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 todays intake; an apple chicken soup and a roll a yoghurt -thinks- too much? Link to comment
sarey Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 thinking of going to hospital getting worse Link to comment
sarey Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 in pain. thinking of going hospital really bad now. is it worth it? i dont know anymore. just had something light. some chicken soup. 102cal. took some powerful painkiller. going to try sleeping. i hate this. i hate not knowing what it is. i hate not being able to do anything. i hate all of it. just want it gone. im sorry body. im so sorry body for doing this to you. im so so sorry. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 still up. stillupstillupstillup. is waiting for ed specialist to call mum. waiting for her to see what she thinks. gonna have to ride this out through the night. can i do that? can i? i hate this. someone.save.me. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 i think i dreamt i ate. or did i really eat? i dont know now. now im confused. and very anxious about my heart. lol@me. IT IS RARRREEEEE. Are you dumb? =s yes. DUHHHH. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 ate a meal spaghetti bolgnease had 2 co dydamol for pain hopefully will knock me out soon hate being awake mum called nhs direct they said that its good what we are doing, the ed clinic referral, and to wait to go, and such said the hospital is for EMMERGENCIES so i s'pose im fine. anna called. mother missed her call. left her a message. waiting on her. again. -sigh- Link to comment
sarey Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 my heart rate is between 60-64. quite low for me. maybe its the tablets. that is a side effect ive read. -shrugs- well. im guessing the spag bol was roughly 750 calories. thats my lot for today. going to school tomorrow. requesting study leave. can barely handle being awake. going doctors again on monday. something.needs.to.be.tested.or.checked.or.TREATED! >. Link to comment
.thumb.jpeg.44db4c04df92b9d233296a0149430b4d.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.