sarey Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Sorry about deleting previous one, it was a bit packed of replies and it didn't feel like a journal anymore. I didn't go to school again today, but I have to go tomorrow, unfortunetly. My mum has started me on multivitamins, joy. I don't think I'll be eating tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Haha. Shame. I miss 15 Storeys. I miss ToV PM's. I miss talking to people and being less alone. I miss a lot of things. *sighs* *shrugs* *hides* Link to comment
irishrimp Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 can i make it up to you? i can't take back what i said (whether good or bad), but can we stick to PMs? you're right... this is your journal and i especially shouldn't have posted so much. this will be my only post on your journal. promise. i think it would be great if we could be recover buddies privately. it's up to you though. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I was just saying that it wasn't really a journal anymore because of a lot of replies, not just from you. I do want replies but it was interrupting a lot of things I wanted to just get out. I just want some time to think, some space. Please. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I'm a bit stuck I guess. My head feels full. And clouded. Feel a bit dizzy. Yet I'm lying down. Feel weird. I've ate today though. And I've taken a multivitamin. What.Is.Happening. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 oivey. more pains. more odd feelings. what do i do now eh stuck. LOLLLL. sigh. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 off to bed i go. head is thumping.hurts.vision is just as bad.dizzy.pains in my body.dont like this.grrrr. sleep.sleep.sleep. escape.from.reality. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Stupid idiot. Me: It may be because I'm not taking in enough calories, and that my body has lost too much weight... Her: You keep calling me at work everyday, I can't do anything about it, I've taken you to hospital ... Me: WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! URGH FORGET IT! She's called the clinic up, I'm waiting on my social worker now, to see if I can see a dietician there, to help me eat, incase this health problems are all just down to my disordered eating, my friend said it could be, and that I need to be having 2000 calories a day... I'm not even close to that many. Makes sense. So. I need to rule out my diet first. It'll take a few weeks to rule it out, because I need to uppen my intake. She said some peoples bodies work better at a BMI of 24, some work better at a BMI fo 20... Will I be able to handle gaining weight? Will I be able to handle having TWO THOUSAND calories EVERYDAY? Will I be able to? Will I? Doubtful. BUT I want this to stop. Maybe... maybe, just maybe... I do want to recover. I just don't know how. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 * * * * * * * . i hate you. burn in hell. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I want to recover. I DO. I DO!!! *sighs* Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 ................... Link to comment
sarey Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 *nodnod* Doing what you said I want to recover I do. Yep. I sure do. Sure sure sure do... *sighs heavily* This feels like lies. Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Oh, I am so proud of you for taking me up on it! I went to your journal and saw your post and thought -- you're doing it!! You just keep doing that! I know it feels like lies sometimes, but just do it anyway, because our brain hears every word we tell it, even when it's a little bit skeptical. Do it because there IS part of you that does want it, it just doesn't feel like it all the time. So for that little voice inside that doesn't get to peek out all that often, that's what you are saying "hello" to every time you say that. Just touching in, touching bases with that little voice that you block out lots of the time. See, so it's not just mindless words, it's ringing a little bell somewhere in there, n-k? So keep on it, you rock (and will rock even more later!) Edit: Oh, and to take it one step further -- see if at least in the morning and at night, when you get up and go to bed, you can look in the mirror and say it, for the day. Just twice a day, look into your reflection and say it. Stand for a moment, pause, be still and quiet, concentrate, look at your reflection and then say it out loud. If twice a day is too hard, start with just at night. Whatever else is happening. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 131kcal 102kcal 50kcal god...fatass. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 LOL 2000 A DAY????????????????????? HAHAHA Is that a joke? Honestly? Is that a joke?!!! Link to comment
sarey Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 I know PLENTY & I am not that because tbh, I have OCD, work it out, I research this sh*it, I had a close friend with it, I may be 16, but I'm a hell of alot more wiser than so many around here. Age don't mean everything &ya'll ain't psychic GROW UP Get a life I WAS SIMPLY ASKING OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Hahaha Those pictures you just took? youfatcow. Youre fatter than when this all started FATFAILURE. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 What Is Hunger? Everybody experience Hunger, before dinner, after skipping breakfast, whatever, that growling rumbling inside, but do you know what true hunger is Real Starvation. Hunger is the feeling as though your stomach and ribs are being pulled inwards, your body tightening. Its your body begging you to feed it, to nourish its enclosing prison, to let you break free, and even if you do the feeling will not banish. Why? Because it isn't enough. It is never enough anymore. You have deprived it for so long that not even the biggest binge will take this feeling away. Your body begs for mercy, to give it more, but you have had enough. You want this Hunger, and although it has not gone, you are afraid it will. Hunger is waking up feeling dizzy and aching, unable to lift yourself up with your weak frail bones. The feeling of throwing up as soon as you see your bowl of food, headaches make you unable to think properly, stabbing in your stomach. You dont know what being full is like anymore, and you also don't care to know. It is the thing you have ran away from and you will not go back. Hunger is being so tired that eating is a chore, something that you just can't be bothered to do. Your body is shutting down slowly, dying. Your body begs you, screams at you, but your mind has told you that the tight feeling in your stomach is no longer enough. You need to feel the pain, the weight slide off you, you need to feel to see your bones, escape the body you have been granted. You worked for this pain. Hunger is your mind forbidding your skeletal body of care and energy. It exposes us to the wrold, of our feelings inside, it brutally pushes them into fullview, still no one really sees, but they try, but by now Hunger gas driven you to insanity, to violence, to tears. Hunger is self afflicted pain, developing from self hatred and hurt from within. It is a dark punishment, but by now it just feels normal. You've done it for so long now it doesn't matter if you die. This is what Hunger is, what Anorexia offers you. What she make you feel day by day. As though you were in a third world country, on the porverty line, with nothing. People ask you why you are selfish, but are you? Is it selfish to feel trapped inside? To be fighting a war with you own thoughts? To want to die and escape things that have hurt you?... Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Great. Just found out a friend of mine hung herself. F*king great. WHY IS EVERYONE DYING?! Last I heard she went into hospital for her eating disorder... * * * happened?! Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Not ate today. Ha ha. F*k you food. F*k recovery. I can't even do it. I tried to yesterday. I had 800 calories. 1200-1700 calories under how much a teenager girl is supposed to have. I can't f*king do it. I will never be able to eat that much. It's impossible. Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 fatcow. SEE I AM A WEAK FAT COW! Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 The sun shines blindingly into her tear filled eyes, thoughts scrambled in her head, feelings overwhelm her fragile body, her heart beats hard, thumping in her head, each beat flows through her body, the blood pumping, &the food enters her stomach, churning, travelling to the small intestine, calories absorbing into her blood stream, the tears drip, one by one, crystals against the sunlight, she lays down on the ground, shutting her eyes tightly, will she ever be free? Link to comment
sarey Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 firstpurge in 2 weeks or so. wow. exhausted now. pains are worse. *sighs* Link to comment
sarey Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 I fear adulthood like a child fears the dark. I do not want to grow up. Ever. I am scared to death of growing up. I have no clue about the adult world. Nor do I want to know. It is too scary to peek into, let alone enter. Jobs, bills, responsabilities, maturity, grown up. I hate it. I want to be a child forever. I hardly got to have a good childhood, if you could call it a childhood. I grew up too quickly. I don't want to grow up AT ALL. I want to be a child. Forever. And ever. It's impossible. I know. But I am stuck in this fear. I don't want to grow up. End off. Link to comment
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