Seriously confused... PLease advice!

[the lonely heart]

Hi all... I've come to you all for some advise again and hopefully you'll all be able to share w/ me your feedback and opinions. Thanks in advance.

 

Here's the story/situation:

 

My ex and I had one AMAZING and short (3 months) relationship. We did everything together, he introduced me to all his buddies, hung out with my family constantly, went to mass with me weekly (and is still going to this day which puzzles friends and family), text messaged me daily, wanted to constantly see me, etc... It was to say the least... a strong relationship (acc. to both of us).

 

We had an argument (although rather trivial) about his ex girlfriend and how he randomly called her on Christmas & New Years which ticked me off. I worried that he still had feelings for this girl who he had just broken up with 2 months earlier and who was his first serious relationship (2 years)... He went away for the weekend to Seattle to a family reunion & we had some tense conversations via phone that weekend. He came back on Monday & we spent one hell of an evening together & seemed to patch things up beautifully. All seems to be going just splendidly after that. Also on that Monday he told me that he loved me and his feelings for me were stronger then they'd ever been.

 

Yet...

2 weeks later he comes to me and tells me that he has no more romantic feelings and was confused and wasn't sure he wanted any relationship at all. It came as a complete shock to me especially since 2 days before he said some very endearing things & was v. affectionate.

 

Now, I do understand that he just came out of a v. intense, sexual (ours was not because of my catholic beliefs and he said he admired that and respected my wishes so we found other ways to be intimate if you know what i mean *G*) and serious 2 year relationship. Yet, when we started together he said himself that he invisioned this being a LTR and was confident about his feelings for me. We even dated for a couple weeks prior to making it official... The being official was initiated because I explained other guys had been asking me out and I wanted to know if i had any sort of commitment from him or should i date others. He explained he didn't want to lose me & made it official.

 

The thing about this break-up that confuses me so much is that he just never gave me an inclination this was coming. He would buy me roses 4 no particular reason, bring me a rose when i was sick during his 20 minute break @ work, call me constantly, find reasons to just see me, kept saying he didn't want to lose me cuz we did have discussions (2) about our differeces in faith and whether it was wise to keep on w/ our relationship... he kept saying he didn't want to lose me & wanted to make it work, etc. Does that seem like the kind of thing that a guy would do when he is contemplating a break-up? Maybe I'm dense but it just didn't fit...

 

We met for coffee one day after the breakup @ Starbucks and he shared some of his thoughts with me... He explained that he still loved me and enjoyed all our times together. He also said that he just found that more and more things seemed to be on a friendship level rather than a serious relationship level. He also shared that he what he felt for me was NOT purely physical or superficial because in his own words, "he grew to love me as a person, and that will never change--ever." He also said he wanted to be my friend & in an email later wrote - "But no matter what I am always still here for you and you can choose not to talk to me again, but I will always be around if you decide otherwise."

 

Bull was my inner opinion/reaction to all that he said/wrote...

 

Now I've tried to rationalize this all and figure out if he really wanted to be a friend or if it was the typical break-up line that we're all so familiar with. I also couldn't decide if perhaps there is a chance (and I'm definitely not hangin my hat on any form of optimism) that he might be simply confused re: his last relationship [oh yeah, he had a 1 month relationship between his 2 year ex and me...his rebound relationship] and maybe somewhere down the line there is a chance for us to be together again... Also, I was curious - how does one go from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends? I've had a couple relationships but those ended on such ugly matters that I never invisioned a post-relationship of any kind.

 

And I'm still confused by some of his other actions. He will often rub my back @ Mass or in the car on the way to church, puts his arm on my shoulder, sends me a Valentine's Day card, calls me, emails me just to say hi, etc. And why would he call me simply in order to defend his reasoning for breaking up with me (for an HOUR).

 

Sorry this is so long. Heck. But if anyone has ANY words of advise or opinions I'd LOVE to hear back. Thanks so much.

 

Cheers

[rich_1517]

OK theres a lot here and im trying to understand. I see a lot from your perspective, he said almost nothing leading up to this? He sounds like he is confused (obviously). is it possible xxx is more important than he is willing to say.

 

I didnt see his reasons listed, what were they?

 

He is sending mixed signals, I would cut him off until he can be clearer about what he wants. My ex dropped by for hanging out, arm in arm, rubbing my back then says we have to be friends for right now. One sided physical contact is not cool, its not friends its "i need to touch you, but im not comfortable with you touching me" i dont know the root of it but it shows a real fear of committment, like a kid grabbing candy from the jar when no one is looking.

 

It takes time to be friends, I am friends with all my ex's becuase we see things in each other from different times in our lives that no one else has.

 

But if one person has stronger feelings than the other or a mixed motive its very hard to do. If you have feelings and can handle it I would say I need time to heal up and put the relationship behind me to become just your friend. I will call you when i am ready.

 

If on the other hand you want more, then i would see the no contact section on this site, it seems weird at first and hard to do but it seems to be effective at getting an ex to be more clear. good luck!

 

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[the lonely heart]

Hey Rich_1517, thanks for taking a stab @ what is going on w/ my ex and I. I appreciated you trying...

 

As for your questions...

 

is it possible xxx is more important than he is willing to say?

 

At first I thought that was possible. Considering the fact he would call her and mention her. However, he actually says that he HATES her because she cheated on him w/ another guy. He said she even wanted to get together again and he refused because she hurt him badly.

 

I didnt see his reasons listed, what were they?

 

That's another of the weird things. My ex hardly gave any reasons at all. He mentioned that he was confused, felt like what we were doing was more on a friendly level [which made me wonder if he makes out, takes naps, sees his other friends naked, etc.], and felt like he just didn't know what he wanted in a relationship right now.

 

As for the whole wanting more or not on my side - I do care v. much for the guy & would not mind if we got back together. However, I've gained a peace about all this and realized I am fine if friends is all we'll ever be from now on. So I think if he honestly wants a friendship, I can enter into fine.

 

Ok, just a random and sort of off-topic question. Is it possible to be Friends with benefits w/ an ex? I noticed someone mentioned "ex sex" or something like that & I was curious what that is all about.

 

Thanks again Rich_1517 for replying.

 

Cheers

[the lonely heart]

Hey again... A quickie...

 

I sent my ex an email saying that I want to know what he really wanted, et al. Basically it was an attempt to figure him out. We'll see if he wants to reply. I told him I didn't want him to string me along and needs to tell me whether we're friends or not.

 

Oh yeah, and out of the blue he sent me a txt msg replying to the fact that i had told him i was sick on tuesday. so i guess he decides to find out on thursday if i'm feeling better. who knows. I just find that random and out of the blue.

 

Cheers

Melina

[raggamuffin]

Ok. Here goes, ive been in this situation before except as many of you know my relationship was a 3 year breakup. unfortunately for you there can be more than one rebound relationship. My ex had 3 after me until he realised that he was on the rebound. Its very very very sad and not good for you and Im not saying that you were an extra rebound but just know that its possible. Im only pointing this out in such a harsh manner because from what i see written you have your head screwed on properly and arent trying to find false hope just for the sake on holding on to your ex. As for ex sex. Its hard really emotionally draining and lots of false hopes come up. From what you are saying i would presume that you are maybe a virgin and are waiting, well giving it to your ex is not the way to go. As much as i would love to agree with the theory love is worth fighting for. Its not always i know that is very very pesimistic but if you know full well he is bad for you and that you are probably going to get hurt AGAIN sometimes its best to let go.