The ongoing saga of Rich_1517 - advice always welcome

[rich_1517]

i thought i would put my name in the title because i am a repeat poster so if you are getting bored with my story or reached your limit on it you can ignore it.

 

For those of you familiar skip to section 2

 

Section One

 

The Couple: 3 years together. lack of acceptance by both of the other, keep wanting the other to change. she wanted me to stop smoking, diet, take care of details. I wanted her to address being closed off emotionally and intimatly. But we both stayed, both are stubborn. a lot of love existed (still does for both). Best friends, always fun and compatible in most situations, complimentary values and beliefs.

 

The lead in to break up: work and family have been very hard. I became more frustrated and worried as my fathers health declined and business failed. I tried to find any kind of work but always have money problems. She has dealt with this for two years. loaned me money, meager trips. Has dealt with it fine. I became more frustrated with her lack of growth and used it to avoid moving in. as time moved the last four months i pulled back a lot and complained more.

 

The break up: I said it when i got back from putting my dad into a mental facility. Will this ever change? she said no and left. being passive aggressive she waited until she couldnt handle it anymore and split. then changed it to two months deciding period.

 

After Break up: devasted went to her a week in and said i would change, i had been ungrateful, unwilling to do work different, and uncommital, she said i still need two months. then a week later starts calling, and finds reason to hang out, finally after too many hours of this i ask "whats up?". she says still deciding. I dont like it much, im sad, she feels bad. I say dont call unless you want more than friends (she followed up next day with have to be friends right now, dont want to get your hopes up). then starts calling immediately afterward to chat. Sheesh i ask for a week of no contact to find a job.

Section Two

 

Week 5 since break up

 

Update: the week of no contact i requested has passed and i am working actively to forgive myself for not showing up more. I am realizing this is the hardest part of letting go right now. As long as i play the "if i only had... insert whatever here" this would be different. a deadly trap and leads to obsession.

 

Since the break. i have treated it as a break up but very hurt, sad, confused and obsessing. i dont like the obsessing part at all and have seen how destructive it is personally and to SEEING the relationship accurately.

 

Have been doing no contact (me not calling, no flowers, no emails, no text) since week one. I am respecting her space but also hoping that she will miss me enough to reconsider. This is catch 22 though, i have to act as if everything is fine, until it is.

 

Working on making the changes around work and lifestyle, but not tying as much to getting her back, i am actively trying to project until it is real, that i am ok and will be ok.

 

So she called, over one meaningless thing and about her computer. Then she started asking questions, how are you, are you going out a lot (no dating questions) i turned it over to ask how she is. she seems sad and lonely, wanted to be sure i had her new office number, etc. I felt very comfortable sending the "im ok, how are u" message. I got off early but she clearly wanted to keep talking, she didnt know if it was ok to call me after i had said wanted no contact, and the week had expired. i told her it was ok. anyone see anything here let me know, i am treating it as just a phone call. One thing that concerned me was she seemed initially worried that i was ok. i have to live with that and just um, be ok.

 

What i am learning

that they arent having the time of their life after

that sad but true some people love us but cant be with us

that obssession is a killer for moving on, self and reconcilliation

that i must forgive myself because she cant and even if she did it wouldnt remove my regrets i must do it.

that hope and no hope are dangerous either way in a situation like this

 

What I want?

to have that chance to show up, to see if both of us BOTH are now willing to compromise more now that we have seen what alone looks like. It may not work out, but its my wish.

[neallo82288]

You are doing fine. The path is straight and there is light at the end. Keep going the path and you will see rewards at the end. Let her contact you but continue to keep the conversations short and sweet. How long must the conversations remain short and sweet? Until the reward of reaching your goal is met. You have a chance few in here ever get, but you must follow your path. Keep the goal in your sights and follow the dream, bur remember that you need to keep the conversations short and sweet. She is coming around and you are doing fine.

 

Read this posst one more time and pay particular attention to the stage two do's and dont's!!

 

www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=16105

 

You are doing fine and do not panic if you do not get around to the relationship, remember that going there may chase her away,

 

Good Luck,

Neallo

[rich_1517]

Neallo you are too cool, hey even if it doesnt work out this forum has been my path for recovery.

[neallo82288]

Hey, this forum has been the strength to my healing. The advice from everyone in here is great and you see different sides to everyones opinions and that gives you more information to make the decision that is best for you. Hope yuo have been enlightened by those in here. Remember to keep yur path straight and follow that post and you will see your goal come close and maybe achieved.

 

Neallo

[the lonely heart]

i have nothing to add of worth or insight but i just wanted to wish you best of luck no matter where the path should lead you... Seems like you've really grown a great deal since the break-up.

 

All the best to ya

 

Cheers

[Spartan1]

You are doing good Rich. Having been in a similiar situation, were my wife says she needed two months break, no contact and I wanted to show her how much I had changed. I couldn't obviously because I had moved out, so it was all on love.

 

I wish I could go back and stayed true to the no contact rule. I did not know about it or this website at the time.

 

Yourself however are doing great. Believe me, however hard it is, push away. Always be nice and understanding and try not to count the days. That is the hardest thing. Not counting the days.

 

Take pride in each day you do not contact her, each time you succeed at this you are giving yourself more of a chance whilst also healing. You are doing the right thing.

 

Our minds are the enemy and the what if's I had? that come up.

 

I wish you the best of luck.