Ex contacting me - what do I say?

[gundr1kr]

So I am not sure if any of you have read my story or not. Mijo and I have a pretty long thread going on in the "Breaking Up" Forum.

 

 

 

To sum things up, my ex and i were together for 6 months, friends prior for 3 years and currently work for the same company at the same location. We have also been broken up for a total of about six weeks. I am the dumpee and my ex told me the reason we needed to break up with me was because he wasnt in love with me anymore. When we broke up he said he really wanted to be friends with me again and I told him there was no way that I could be friends with him.

 

I think I would still be open to the idea of a reconciliation. I am not quite sure. Well, for the past six weeks my ex has tried to make contact attempts every couple of days. He never says "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I want you back". Normally he will send me emails with links to articles in the newspaper or see if I made it into work okay or most recently it had nothing in it at all (he just wanted to return receipt me to see if i was at my desk). Three separate times I have told him that I want him to stop contacting me and that I will not be friends with him. However, apparently he is very persistent.

 

The next time my ex tries to contact me (via email or text) does anyone have any idea what I should say to him? I want to keep the chances of reconciliation open but I want him to STOP contacting me as a friend or whatever he is doing. It is getting ridiculous. I dont know what he is trying to do???

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

[RunMeRound]

He probably does miss you, especially since you were friends for so long. However, unless he clearly wants to work things out, or if you are able to return to being friends with no expectations whatsoever (ie you would have to know that you would be comfortable and not jealous or unhappy to talk with him about someone else he is interested in dating), you should probably send a clear message to stop contacting you,

 

Perhaps the next time he sends you something say "thanks for the [article/link/whatever]. However, unless you are interested in trying to work things out I'd prefer not to hear from you via email or text for [a few months/weeks] unless you change your mind. I only add the last part about when you might want to hear from him if you think that after some period of time it might not be a problem and also because that way it doesn't sound like I hate you don't talk to me.

[gundr1kr]

Thanks for the advice RunMeAround. So you think I should throw it out there that I am still interested? Thats really scary to me. I mean I would like to work things out but I dont want to be rejected again and pump his ego even more than it is already....

[RunMeRound]

Thanks for the advice RunMeAround. So you think I should throw it out there that I am still interested? Thats really scary to me. I mean I would like to work things out but I dont want to be rejected again and pump his ego even more than it is already....

 

Well, that is kind of sticky. I tried to do the LC friendly thing with my ex at about the 6 week mark and it really wasn't good for me. At first it was light contact but then it ramped up. I finally cut it off because it was clear to me that I was still too emotionally involved and waiting for his next email. I agree it sucked letting him know that I couldn't do the friends thing yet, but it was better for me. And honestly his response to me when I was telling him I wanted less contact and wanted to be able to discuss some boundaries really showed me all over again why we broke up in the first place. He was arrogant and attacked me and made everything my fault again. Which made it easier to stop talking to him.

 

If you can truly just be friends then respond nicely and dont' tell him to leave you alone. But be very careful, if you start getting expectations and he doesn't feel the same way, it could set your healing back.

 

Hopefully someone else will chime in because my advice is based on my own failed ability to do the LC friends thing, so its kind of biased.

[exploding head]

I'm going through something similar with my ex. After 7 months of NC, she's snooping around. She emailed me about a month ago, but I didnt respond. I never get the "i miss you, I love you, etc.." either, just a "miss my friend" vibe. I kinda figure that all I can do at this point is move on. It's still f'ing hard. My ex seems to want my friendship. I am completley opposed to the idea as are you. I just ignore her now. I don't know if I want to reconcile either.

 

As for how you should respond... I don't know what to say except that YOU are the priority here. Concentrate on yourself. I did that and have accomplished quite a bit professionally as well as personally. It truly is her loss at this point.

 

I'm not sure I would respond with ultimatums i.e. (dont talk to me unless you want to work it out...) It's likely to have the opposite effect. Just be pleasant and say you need space. Tell him you dont want to be friends. Explain that you are too emotionally involved to do that. Make it clear that you do care about him. (dont use the word love) And if reconciling is in the cards, it seems that he is the one who needs to make the effort. All you can do is make him miss you.

 

I'm the dumpee as well and can only speak from my own experience here, but I did the whole sending emails, calls drunken professions of love at 3 am. It seems the only thing that really got her to start gaining interest again was completely ignoring her. It's sad that I'm nearly at the point where I don't care if I ever see here again.

 

Just my two cents. Hope it helps

[gundr1kr]

exploding head -

 

Wow, thank you so much for responding. It is nice to hear that someone else is going through the same thing right now! It is also really nice to get a males perspective.

 

As time has passed I have really looked at our relationship and who he is as a person and I am not sure if I would want to be in a relationship with him again. I, however, dont want to close that completely either.

 

I believe that I have done a great job at moving on and making sure I am the priority.

 

Based on your guys response, I I think I will say this the next time he tries to contact me, what do you think----

 

"****, I really need space from you right now. At this time, please respect that I cant be your friend. I still care for you but at this time I think some distance and time will be the best for the both us."

[exploding head]

I'm not sure that would be the wording that I would use in that instance. You need to stress the point that it is for YOU. Not "best for both of us"

 

Just tell him what YOU need. And then ignore him. You may be surprised at the response.

[gundr1kr]

I'm not sure that would be the wording that I would use in that instance. You need to stress the point that it is for YOU. Not "best for both of us"

 

Just tell him what YOU need. And then ignore him. You may be surprised at the response.

 

Good point. Thanks. I have updated the wording, so when he does contact me again, I am ready. Thank you for your help!!!!

[exploding head]

I would probably take some time to really figure out what you want. Do you want him back? Could you make things work? What are you trying to improve about yourself?

 

In my instance, it's been nearly 8 months since I've seen her. She's still the first thing on my mind when I wake up. It sucks. Around Xmas time, she sent me an email saying that she wished me and my family a good holiday season and she saw on my myspace page that Im going back to school, doing awesome new work, etc.. She said "thats great! happy to see that" First time i've gotten a somewhat positive word from her in a long time. I didnt respond. I figure that there's no point in me talking to her at all unless she truly wants to reconcile. She doesnt seem to understand that i simply CANT be only her friend.

 

Another perspective is that both of our exes are looking for the aspects of the previous relationship that don't involve emotional or physical involvement, which to me is incredibly unfair. I see it kind of like "You dont want me me? fine.. see ya" We get nothing from these "friendships" except more pain. What do they get? security?

 

I wonder if you are in the same situation?

[gundr1kr]

Yes, i know i have taken time to think about my current situation. I am still on the fence. I truly dont know what I want. I saw a completely different side to him once we broke up (and a little before) and it wasnt an attractive side. He has been extremely immature, controlling and selfish. However, those qualities might be coming out because he is hurting - I dont know I dont talk to him anymore.

 

Are you sure if you want to reconcile with your ex? Have you left the door open with her?

 

Personally, I think it is incredibly unfair as well. About a week after my ex and I broke up he told me he wanted to be friends, and start being friends then. I thought it was extremely selfish.

 

I dont understand really how you can be friends with someone that you did have an emotional and physically connection, made plans and dreams together. I dont know how you can just sweep that all under the rug and forget about it? I personally cant. I do think that one day they will realize that they made a mistake. Those feelings will come back I am sure. If they like us enough to want to be friends with us and once fell in love with us, then they will realize. The only question is, will we be still there?

[RunMeRound]

Interesting to see that the two of you seem to be having the same problems with the ex that I do. He too insisted he wanted to be friends and keeps telling me he is capable of being friends right now. He is alos immature and controlling and selfish.

 

He fails to undertand that any kind of relationship, even ones that are just friendsships and not romantic take some work by both parties. Espcially in a situation like this where there is history and you need real clear boundaries.

 

The ex's want us there for security and for what they need and are selfishly ignoring what we need. That's why I went NC again.

[exploding head]

I'm not sure if I want to reconcile. I am certian I don't want just a friendship. There's been a lot of hurt and lies involved with the breakup. She cheated as well. That's kind of unforgivable. I've known this girl since I was 16 which makes it hard. It's difficult to imagine her not being in my life, you know? The last we talked (2 months ago) I called her out for looking at my myspace page nearly every day. I asked what she was looking for. She said she wanted to know if I was doing ok. She then apologized for the way she acted and said she regretted the way things ended between us. I took this as a sign and asked if she'd like to meet up for coffee and talk. She said she needed space. I said ok, you have my number. A month later she emails me the holiday greeting to which I didnt respond.

 

I kind of interpret this as her realizing she made a mistake. What do you think?

[gundr1kr]

Interesting to see that the two of you seem to be having the same problems with the ex that I do. He too insisted he wanted to be friends and keeps telling me he is capable of being friends right now. He is alos immature and controlling and selfish.

 

He fails to undertand that any kind of relationship, even ones that are just friendsships and not romantic take some work by both parties. Espcially in a situation like this where there is history and you need real clear boundaries.

 

The ex's want us there for security and for what they need and are selfishly ignoring what we need. That's why I went NC again.

 

 

Hey RunMeAround....Join the club Its not a fun club though I think the difference between your situation and mine is that I established from the VERY beginning that I couldnt be his friend. Since the beginning I have told him already three times because he continues to try to be my friend. Sometimes, I wish I could say, if you ONLY put this much effort into the relationship - we would never be in this mess!!

 

I agree with yu that our ex's want us there for security. They also want to get rid of this guilt they are caring around for hurting us.

[exploding head]

 

The ex's want us there for security and for what they need and are selfishly ignoring what we need. That's why I went NC again.

 

Exactly. Mine was INCREDIBLY insensitive after the breakup. Going so far to me the current relationship she was in was "the best she's ever been in" after only two weeks in. But she desperatley wanted my friendship. Why?, I asked. She said "I dont know, to write, to talk, to call" I said "no fing way" and went NC.

[exploding head]

Hey RunMeAround....Join the club Its not a fun club though I think the difference between your situation and mine is that I established from the VERY beginning that I couldnt be his friend.

 

sounds familiar..

[gundr1kr]

Wow. Yes, to me cheating is a deal breaker...no matter how long you have known or been with someone. If you could get past the cheating than the more power to you.

 

I think it is a possibility that she is realizing she made a mistake. I dont think she is at the point where she wants to act on it though. How long have you two been split up?

 

I kind of did this with my ex directly after we broke up. He contacted me TEN times one day. I called him back and said because you keep on contacting me, does that mean you made a mistake and want to get back together. He said no - I am still not 100% into you, it was just hard for him to stop doing it because he had so often in the past.

 

I know many people of hear say it, and I might be too much of a romantic to believe it, but I think if they want to get back together with us - we wont question they motives. Until she says "I made a mistake and I want to get back together" I would continue with NC.

[exploding head]

We have been split up nearly 8 months now. I think i might be able to work past the cheating. Who knows. I do know that i would suggest we see a counselor to work through it. How long do you think you would need before you would consider a reconciliation?

 

It's tough. It feels like part of me died when she left.

[gundr1kr]

We have been split up nearly 8 months now. I think i might be able to work past the cheating. Who knows. I do know that i would suggest we see a counselor to work through it. How long do you think you would need before you would consider a reconciliation?

 

It's tough. It feels like part of me died when she left.

 

How long were you together?

 

Yes, I think counceling would probably be a good idea. Are you going to continue with NC? Do you know if she is dating anyone?

 

I am not sure if it is really a timing issue for me. I think during my relationship I started to pull away because this immature controlling side that I had never seen started to appear. I think in order for us to ever reconcile, he would need to work on that. Not because I asked him to but because he knows that it is an issue.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. How long do you think you will wait for her?

[exploding head]

How long were you together?

 

Yes, I think counceling would probably be a good idea. Are you going to continue with NC? Do you know if she is dating anyone?

 

I am not sure if it is really a timing issue for me. I think during my relationship I started to pull away because this immature controlling side that I had never seen started to appear. I think in order for us to ever reconcile, he would need to work on that. Not because I asked him to but because he knows that it is an issue.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. How long do you think you will wait for her?

 

She started a new relationship and as far as I know, she moved in with him and shes still with him. I dont think it's a matter of waiting anymore. I think it's more like If she comes back, we'll see. We were together for about a year, but we had loved each other when we were 16 but we never got together then. We are the same age (31) Yeah, i think I'm going to continue NC for a while and see if she comes around again. Really all I can do at this point.

 

What have you been doing to deal with the pain?

[yankeefan74]

Exactly. Mine was INCREDIBLY insensitive after the breakup. Going so far to me the current relationship she was in was "the best she's ever been in" after only two weeks in. But she desperatley wanted my friendship. Why?, I asked. She said "I dont know, to write, to talk, to call" I said "no fing way" and went NC.

 

All of that sounds very familiar. My ex told me that she was afraid we would "fade" out of each other's lives. I asked her what she wanted, and she said she still wanted to do things with me. When I asked her what that might be, she said "I don't know - go to the movies, have lunch, go the casino...spend time together."

 

Now, she'd already started seeing someone else when she told me all of that. lol

[RunMeRound]

At this point I'd prefer my ex fade out of my life.

[gundr1kr]

She started a new relationship and as far as I know, she moved in with him and shes still with him. I dont think it's a matter of waiting anymore. I think it's more like If she comes back, we'll see. We were together for about a year, but we had loved each other when we were 16 but we never got together then. We are the same age (31) Yeah, i think I'm going to continue NC for a while and see if she comes around again. Really all I can do at this point.

 

What have you been doing to deal with the pain?

 

Yeah, I agree with you. I think once she moved in with the guy, you should have stopped waiting. However, who knows what will happen. Yes, I agree, stick with NC. I dont think it is a good idea to contact someone once they have a BF.

 

I have been keeping extremely busy and going out. I also joined two soccer teams. It is a great form of exercise, lets me get out a lot of aggression and expand my social network.

 

What about you?

[exploding head]

I got a Mini Cooper S, lost 40lbs, re-enrolled in school, love my new job, play guitar like a madman, just try to make as many positive changes as I can.

[gundr1kr]

Wowzers! You really had made changes. NICE WORK!

 

So i need your honest opinion..

 

Well, he texted me like I told you he would. He sent me a text message saying "Just wanted to let you know its cold outside. So make sure you bundle up if you take your dog out to go to the bathroom. Your welcome".

 

I sent him the text back:

" I really need space from you right now. At this time, please respect that I cant be your friend. I still care for you but at this time I think some distance and time will be the best for me."

 

He wrote back:

 

"Still? But its been over a month. OK. I will respect your wish."

 

Now, coming from a guy - dont you think he was being c*cky and arrogant with his text back? Like he was trying to say...you still arent over me?!? Am I looking too much into it?

[Lizzyb6938]

my ex has been contacting me for ages as well. the last time we met nearly two months ago he told me he loved me and wanted to make it work. but it was only a week after the breakup and i knew that he was still confused and that it would be a disaster if we got back together then. i requested no contact while he went away (he went to europe for a month) and we would talk when he came back. but i eventually caved and said he could contact me.

 

he went away for a month and during that time he sent cute picture messages, said i miss you during most forms of contact. but since he's come home he hasn't called, only texted. his messages have changed from cute and romantic stuff- like saying miss you and calling me a pet name. and he's made excuses for not calling me like 'still not caught up on sleep and reality.' his last message said 'hi lizzy, just wanting to say hi, so hi lol. how are you? do you still want to hear from matt? hope all is well.'

 

I was unsure whether to do no contact or not coz i was sick of the text messages and how they had completely changed in tone. eventually four days later i wrote back saying 'hey. sorry for late reply. okay as long as you stop referring to yourself in the third person lol. a call next week would be great.'

 

after that if he's still being a douche i'm going no contact all the way.