Giving it or Getting it: Experiences with NC?

[ruffles]

I'm interested in hearing a variety of responses to how people here handle and interpret NC. Reading about so many different break ups and how we all handle similar situations differently has raised this question for me.

 

For example, when an ex has been angry about things, and would vent that anger occasionally, and suddenly stops all contact, how does the other person think about, feel or interpret that action? When do you suddenly realize you aren't receiving emails, calls or texts anymore? What does it make you feel like, or feel like doing?

[beejcee]

hi ruffles,

 

i am divorcing my husband who is bipolar due to infidelity. during a manic phase, he threatened me and i had to have a protection from abuse order, at the recommendation of the police.

 

that order forced him to go three months without contact. during that time he moved back home to the west coast. i still reside on the east coast.

 

those three months were very painful, lonely and sad for me. i had so many questions about how and why so many things happened.

 

so....at the end of three months, we established email contact and eventually went into phone contact.

 

i think those three months of nc were very good. it kept us from saying terrible things in the heat of passion.

 

the first emails had lost of blaming in them, especially on his part. but we have slowly been able to establish more civil communication.

 

i have found this to be helpful because my husband is answering many of questions.

 

every situation is going to be different. that's what worked for me.

 

i wish you well as you travel the difficult road of breaking up.

[ruffles]

Thanks beejcee, what an intense experience you're going through! You had forced NC, so that leaves little room for personal interpretation.

 

I'm curious about situations that aren't so regulated as well.

[Singlestill]

NC is hard whether or not you are the giver or receiver. I have been on both ends and in the long run NC was good every time, because it allowed some wounds to heal, and both parties to move forward, but being on the receiving end of NC was worse for me.

 

I have low self esteem to begin with and when I was suddenly out of the picture, and they wouldn't return my calls, it played on all my doubts and fears and made me even more down on myself. I am friends with almost all my exes, and when we would talk later I would invariably find out they were in pain too. The NC was a time to heal, and there is NO WAY we could have remained friends without it, but when you are making the effort to contact someone, regardless of your intentions, and they ignore you, it is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I think NC is almost like Chemo. It works, it is effective, it is needed, but it makes you as sick as, or sometime more sick, than the actual breakup. When you come out of it you are better off, but the cost is high when you are going through it.

[ruffles]

Singlestill, you make a good point about NC playing on your doubts and fears. Does it have that effect on the dumper, when the dumpee suddenly goes NC?

[secretness87]

Singlestill, you make a good point about NC playing on your doubts and fears. Does it have that effect on the dumper, when the dumpee suddenly goes NC?

 

That is a good question, and I'd like to know the answer to that too.. I'm a dumpee and I'm a giver of NC right now (pretty much no calling, seeing, or texting him.. but if he decides to do one of that, I have a feeling I'd give in), but I don't know if that has an affect on my ex - the dumper at all... someone please answer that question, lol

[John Bendix]

I see that the intent of NC is for one or both of the parties to heal. But, sorry to say, it does not always happen that way. Some actually have to find additional relief (healing) from the NC phase itself.

 

As it has been stated, each situation is different even though they may seem very similiar. The common thread to healing to me is acceptance. Acceptance of the situation as it is right now w/o the egoic desire for it to be different than it really is. Once that acceptance has been obtained, you may no longer need to be in such a self protection mode, protection for the ego.

 

The ego that wants what it does not have and feels that it needs to complete itself. An ego that seeks vindication for all of the actions and reactions that have taken place. An ego that feels the present is unacceptable and pursues the past and the future as if they are real and worthy of all of our attention.

 

When this is reached, there seems to be no need to reamin in No Contact since nothing that can be said to you, felt about you or directed at you, can be seen to do any harm.

[thedude27]

That is a good question, and I'd like to know the answer to that too.. I'm a dumpee and I'm a giver of NC right now (pretty much no calling, seeing, or texting him.. but if he decides to do one of that, I have a feeling I'd give in), but I don't know if that has an affect on my ex - the dumper at all... someone please answer that question, lol

 

 

I think in most cases it does. At least in cases where there was a good realtionship and the breakup wasnt terrible (even sometimes in that case). Its the only thing that can take some control away from them. As the dumper you are pretty much in the driver seat. NC from the dumpee is the first sign that control or the appearance of it is passing. Its a sign that the dumpee doesnt "need" the dumper anymore as they are not constantly calling/etc. That is why you will see the dumpers sometimes freak out when they realize this.

[secretness87]

I think in most cases it does. At least in cases where there was a good realtionship and the breakup wasnt terrible (even sometimes in that case). Its the only thing that can take some control away from them. As the dumper you are pretty much in the driver seat. NC from the dumpee is the first sign that control or the appearance of it is passing. Its a sign that the dumpee doesnt "need" the dumper anymore as they are not constantly calling/etc. That is why you will see the dumpers sometimes freak out when they realize this.

 

That makes sense. I hope my ex "freaks out" in a way lol.

 

I guess I'm just at that stage where I want him to feel hurt as much as he made me feel. Although I didn't constantly call him, I texted him more but it was on a pretty much everyday basis with the normal greetings and "miss you" messages. And after we broke up, I didn't contact him until 4 days after where I texted him "happy new years" greeting. And since New Years, I haven't talked to him since, so now that makes it about 11 days. It feels like he's moved on a lot faster than I did, but I guess that was meant to happen since he was the dumper. But NC is sort of working for me for to heal. Yeah, not sure what the point of me writing this part is lol, but thanks for answering my short question up there.

[kodak]

I think in most cases it does. At least in cases where there was a good realtionship and the breakup wasnt terrible (even sometimes in that case). Its the only thing that can take some control away from them. As the dumper you are pretty much in the driver seat. NC from the dumpee is the first sign that control or the appearance of it is passing. Its a sign that the dumpee doesnt "need" the dumper anymore as they are not constantly calling/etc. That is why you will see the dumpers sometimes freak out when they realize this.

 

How does a response to a text or something from the dumper, by the dumpee mean that the dumpee still "needs" them or is interested in them?