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revisiting the town I had my lesbian affair

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ok so whilst I was at university I ended up having a three year lesbian relationship with the manager of the club I worked in. It wasn't just sex, I was completely in love with her and got as close to her as any two people can get. She was my best friend, my lover, everything... You may have heard my story already, but basically she broke my heart by dumping me for a man on new year's eve last year. I went through hell trying to get over her, and then we got back together six months later. She swore she would never hurt me again and would spend the rest of her life making it up to me. Then she broke my heart again by dumping me for the same man again. By this time I had just finished uni and literally ran away to sea to work for a cruise company, and haven't spoken to her since. It's been about six months since we broke up for the second time and I miss her a lot but still can't believe how much she hurt and betrayed me.



Anyway I'm on leave from the ship at the moment and weirdly a friend from the ship I just worked on has a job interview in the town I used to go to uni. He has invited me to go with him so that I can keep him company and show him around and have a couple of nights out there. My ex no longer lives there but the thought of going back is making me feel panicky. Am I doing the right thing? Will going back there help me to face my demons or will it just re open old wounds? There are so many memories of my ex in that town as we spent all our time together when I was there. I also don't know if I can bring myself to walk into the club I worked in with her, but want to show my friend as it is the most popular club in town. She always said that she couldn't imagine living in that town without me and moved away when I left. Being in that town without her will be so strange, especially walking past the place we used to live together and going into the pubs we used to drink in together.


Also the guy I'm going with.. I think we might like eachother. I get the strong impression he likes me and I feel like we get on well. I haven't let myself get close to anyone since I broke up with her but I think I do have feelings for him. But if anything happened between us in the town that I lived with my ex would feel so bizarre. I'd feel like I'd gone back in time by being there except she wouldn't be there and I'd be there with someone else. It's causing all these mixed anxious feelings in me Part of me wants to text my ex and tell her how much I miss her and tell her I will be back in our old town tomorrow, but what good would that do? She doesn't deserve me contacting her after the way she treated me, she probably doesn't give a damn about me anymore, and it's not like I could meet up with her when I'm there with a guy that I might be getting involved with. I really thought I was over her, but all the memories of all the times we shared rush into my mind as soon as I think of that place and I just want to go back in time and never let her go.


can you give me your thoughts? Is this going to drag me under again, or help me put it in the past? The last time I was there she was standing on the train station's platform and I was on the train crying my eyes out, watching her as the train pulled away. That was the last time I saw her and the last time I saw that town. Am I doing the right thing by going back? I would really appreciate some insight.

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Hmm, I'm interested to hear the advice too. Personally, I have very very bad memories of my home town, along with an il-deserved very public humiliation for being arrested for a crime I was innocent of (papers publish the outrageous charges, but not the court acquittal, go figure). To that end, I avoid my town like the plague. I've started a new life in a new town, and everything is great. The odd time I've driven through the town, I am extremely uncomfortable.


As for contacting your ex.. I would say don't. Probability of pain is much higher than probability of joy on that one.

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