Very ODD situation, he changed a lot. Really who he is or is he depressed? (Sorry, it's long)

[dreamer888]

I met a guy in late May 2007...he instantly liked me and tried to date me from the start. HOWEVER, there are many downfalls to this guy that I was unsure of BUT he seemed like he had changed...I will list them and tell you what he said about them and how he "fixed" them:

 

1. He used to be a huge " * * * * " and literally seemed to like any girl that would give him attention. He is 25 and i was 21 when we met. However, he tried to tell me "oh, youre the only girl i have ever liked this much and i would change anything for you..." He told me he deleted every girl from his phone (BUT he somehow didn't delete any of his ex-gf numbers...?) But he did seem to have reall changed. He didn't flirt with any girls i knew of and was texting my literally constantly ALL day until he got home from work, then we'd hang out and i'd stay the night almost every night. He seemed very committed.

 

2. He used to do some drugs and he stopped all of this and smoking cigarettes for me. He was literally doing everything in his power to make me realized he truly wanted to be with me. He just did everything he knew i liked and stopped everything he knew would bother me. He stopped hanging out at his old job (which had a bar) bc that is where all his druggie friends hung out.

 

3. He even changed his style for me. He had guaged ears (and even though i was fine with them) he thought i might like him better with smaller ones...so he did that...he dressed differently to suit me...he di ALL this stuff WITHOUT me asking him to EVER change.

 

There was more but i think you guys get the picture...and i want to make it clear i never ONCE asked him to change...but since he did all of this on his OWN i figured he legitimately truly liked me a LOT.

 

Well, we started dating at the beginning of august and we were both SO happy together. Then about 2 months later we started fighting...he is the type that does NOT talk to you about problems, EVEN when they're brought up. So that would frustrate me even more and things that i said were apparently hurting him, but i had no idea because he NEVER told me.

 

Well, he slowly started to revert back to his old self. He had quit all tobacco use (bc that was an issue for me because of my father and he knew that) but about two weeks before we broke up in the beginning of November, he ahs started dipping behind my back again.

 

And that's one thing he said he would NEVER do...was lie or hide stuff from me. So then it made me wonder about all the stuff he had told me about him liking all these other girls but "not liking them that much..." He is the type that ALWAYS has to have a girl no matter what.

 

In fact the day we met, we were on a float trip with my best girl friend...who he had come to meet up with.. completely ignored her and flirted with me the whole time...and right before that...was dating another girl and saw my best girl friend at memphis in may and texted her saying he wished he was there with her and not that other girl he was dating...

 

SO...after the break up in november...we still hung out and acted like we were dating for about a month...then we got into another fight...and he decided to tell me he wasn't in love with me anymore...well we didnt talk for about 2 or three days and didn't see one another for 4 days. then he texted me saying he didnt hate me and i told him to stop contacting me. well, as fate would have it, something bad happened that night and i needed his help...he of course was there bc i guess he was happy i just contacted him after i told him to leave me alone...the next day he invited me over for movies and we ended up hanging out for two straight weeks...hooking up occasionally but not much. but as the two weeks went on, if i tried to cuddle, he''d be very distant...late he said it was bc he didn't want to lead me on...so i said we should probably not hang out as much. but told him i'd come see him before i went out for new years...he said ok and i didn't contact him until that night when i was about to go out...and of coruse...for some reason h was pissed and didn't want to see me. we talked a few times through texts and i called him out on some stuff i ahd heard about one of the girls who he used to apparently REALLY like but told me he didn't...this girl was that manager of the place he used to work (where, if forgot to mention...he had started hanging back out at...and had met up with his ex there the weekend he told me he didn't love me anymore)...and he sent me a very nasty 6 page message back...saying he never wanted to see me again and i was crazy and paranoid and all this evil, cruel stuff...and that he would never read another text of mine again and would delete all them. and told me he was over me...but two days before told me he couldn't see me bc he NEEDED to get over me.

 

One last detail to let you know what was going on in the end...he seemed to be having some sort of depression problems...but as i mentioned...he's the type that refusesto confront problems and probably will never do anything about it...he would be in bed by 10 every night...just work, come home, watch a movie, got to sleep...never go hang out with me and my friends and occasionally hang with his friends...but only if this was at their house...he was having extreme financial problems...he moved less than a mile from me ONE MONTH after we dated and then things didnt work out...and just a lot of factors contributed to me thinking he very well may be depressed....

 

Basically...i still REALLY love him...i was in a serious relationship that ended 2.5 years ago...and this guy is the first guy i have really loved since that. i thoguht i would never love again...and since he showed me i could...i guess that's why i'm so attached to him. PLUs...even though all this bad stuff happened...the relationship we had before the fighting was absolutely AMAZING.

 

So, i wan to know a few things...:

1. Is he REALLY the guys he was in the beginning or do you think that was a front to attract me...and if we got bck together do you think he would always be this same person? Was he just depressed? Bc apparently, he used to be a really fun guy and had tons of friends and people who loved being around him.

2. Do you really think he ws out of love when he said so? He was unbelievably crazy about me and this relationship in the beginning. He had never waited on a girl...he waited two and a half months on me...when we started dating (i know this is CRAZY...but that's why it makes me think he actually was head over heels for me...) he told his mom, grandma, and best friend he was going to marry me. He would do EVERYTHING for me. But as the relationship went on...these things ceased...stopped getting flowers and little cute random texts...all that came to an end...even before the fighting got bad...

3. Do you think he really is over me? When he told me he was out of love with me, i did that stupid thing of telling him i also had been having that same feelings and was over him but didnt want to tell him to avoid hurting his feelings. i thgohut this might make him panic and come back or at the least realize he didnt have anything over me by falling out of love first. (I had been hurt before in that previous relationship and told him i loved him to the bitter end and it didnt pay off so i did the reverse...) So could he have told me he was over me because i said so?

4. When i did text him, even if its a very nice text, he NEVER responds. From a guy's point of view...do you all do this easily or does it hurt you all just as much to not respond? to me it just seems like he isnt even hurting or having a hard time not talking to me. By the way, we spent EVERY SINGLE day at LEAST texting (bc he went to OK for work for a few weeks in the beginning...but we'd text or talk for hours every day)

5. Do you think we ever have a chance of getting back together? All my friends and damily don't want me to date him. He did not go to college and i am gonig to be a college grad after this last semester. He has no drive, ambition, doesn't clean or cook, doesnt really take care of himself...and i know, i know you all are probably asking, "then why the HELL do you wanna date this guy?!?!" but it's bc in the beginning he WASN'T like this and i wonder if he changed bc of depression or if this is just who he is.

 

I know i have left out a ton of details, but this is already long enough. if you have any questions...ask me. Also, after if found out that the fighting was hurting him, we only fought twice after that...and each time he would freak out and push me away. he seems to want a relationship with ZERO arguments or fights. but i told him if true feelings are involved in a relationship, then there is GOING TO be fighting and arguments (his last relationship, the girl used him for drugs and sex...spent v-day with another man...left him for days at a time without telling him where she was...etc...so i'm sure they never fought. he said he never loved her and never told her he loved her and they dated for a year and three months...)

 

SO, ANY advice would be LOVELY!!! Seriously...anything...even stuff telling me i SHOULDN'T want this guy would be nice...i wish i COULD stop loving him. But stories that might suggest that he does really love me and just is doing what he's doing bc hes hurt too...that would help....just really...any HONEST opinion would be very much appreciated!!!

 

I just don't know WHAT to do or think and i can't sleep bc i dream about him CONSTANTLY and then wake up very upset...and 'm sure you guys know what i'm talking about...

[Adge]

You're in good company. Most of us here are feeling rather dysfunctional and unloved at the moment, desperate to get back with our ex-lovers!

 

Why don't you talk to him and find out why you argue. What you argue about and try and resolve it?

 

If you get that far and get back together and feel an argument coming along. Don't shout at each other and try and see each other's perspective, however silly it may seem. Even if you are right, it sometimes doesn't do any arm to back down (dependent on circumstances of course!)

 

Communicate. If he won't then just give him a little space!

[dreamer888]

I have tried to communicate

When he was actually speaking to me, he wouldn't communicate back.

Now, however, he won't even respond to any attempts i have made to communicate...he won't respond to messages, texts, calls...nothing. he said he was doing it to "get over me" but now he says he IS over me...so I asked if he WAS (and he thinks I am over him as well...) then why is the hurt in talking occasionally? (I understand the part about not hanging out just so we can both get our own lives going without always just hanging out with one another bc its the easiest thing to do when we're bored...)

So...right now, I am doing NC...we'll see how it goes...