I have a problem

[Anonymous122]

This thread comes as a surprise to me. I recently realized that I have a problem.

 

I'm not sure that this is a typical problem, but it's one that i've realized has been doing some damage to my ability to maintain healthy, long lasting relationships. It's like a vicious circle that spirals out of control. I'm going to do my best to describe it below.

 

I have had a small handful of relationships, but i've tried to casually date more people than i've actually had a relationship with. My relationships tend to be great. I'm a very affectionate and outgoing person, so it's a given that relationships i'm a part of tend to be very supportive, at least at first. I have no problem brushing off small issues, trusting people, and communicating effectively... most of the time.

 

The problem arises after my relationships become sexual. It usually begins the day after the first time I have sex with them. I get a really negative feeling. It's hard to explain, but I tend to suddenly begin to think about the future, and I convince myself that there is no future with that person, because of this reason or that reason. I could justify that mindset with something as simple as their hobbies, or as complex as their choice of education. I know that for the most part, these justifications are simply excuses, but i'm not sure what i'm trying to make excuses for.

 

After the first sexual encounter, I also get jealous. Now, i'm not the controlling type, and I don't want to be perceived that way, so i've never nor can I imagine that I will ever mention that jealousy to whomever I happen to be dating. The problem is that all it serves to do is build a foundation around those previous negative feelings and make them all the more powerful.

 

The resulting consequence is that I get distant and eventually go my own way. I can honestly say that this exact scenario has happened to me at least five times throughout my life. Thus, the majority of my dating and relationship experiences (i've had three relationships, and four casual dating partners.)

 

I've gotten fairly used to it by now, but it needs to go away really quickly. I have a close friend who i've had romantic feelings for, for a fair amount of time. Recently, she told me that she has alot more interest in me than simple interest as a friend. This girl is fantastic. We share alot in common, and this is almost like a dream come true for this to have happened.

 

The problem is that we had sex for the first time last night, and now i'm sitting here trying to fight off those negative feelings. I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to mess this up, and I don't know why this always happens to me. I don't react like this in any other facet of my life. I'm very calm, collected, educated, and overall stable. I don't understand why this happens to me.

 

Do any of you have any advice?

[heaven66]

One question, have you been hurt before? Has anyone broken your heart? Maybe you are afraid of falling deep in love and before they leave you or break your heart you run. I can't really think of anything else.

[bulletproof]

Here's a question- why do you have sex with anyone? Maybe if you waited until you are in love, you could avoid this? I know that doesn't matter for this particular case, as you've already had sex with her...

 

Take a step back. Tell her you want to go slow. It sounds like you've been equating sex with obligation for the future. While I know you don't want to hurt her, the future is also a big question mark, so it's not like you have to assume your future is now decided just because you had sex.

 

How are your family relationships? Are you close with your mom? Often I see this type of detachment in males who have conflicting relationships with their moms.

[COtuner]

So you're jealous but you don't think you have a future with them... which sounds a little like "I don't want them but I don't want anyone else to have them either". Is this correct or am I reading too much into what you wrote?

 

Hmmmm The overall sense I have, especially since you are posting that you think you have a problem, is that in some way you have been hurt and /or you are afraid of getting hurt. That could lead to those feelings. Maybe sex makes you feel vulnerable and you don't like the fact that someone now has this control over you, and worse yet, could leave you and hurt you?

[Anonymous122]

Heaven66 - I've had my heart broken, but that was years ago, could it still be brooding there?

 

Bulletproof - Well, i'm not sure why I have sex with anyone. I usually want it, but then once we've had it all of these negative feelings arise. I will note that I am most definitely in love with this current girl. She has been a friend of mine for a long time, but my personal code of ethics prevented me from ever expressing how I felt to her. I'm not very close with my mother. I left home for college at an abnormally young age, and I left alot of hard feelings and spiteful words behind. I was afraid that it would be some kind of mother complex. I really hope it's not something that permanent.

 

COtuner - I don't think you read into it too much, I think I just did a bad job of expressing myself. I do want them! Especially the girl who I mentioned in the original thread. These negative feelings just seem to override that want and desire. I don't even know how to explain the feelings other than that I feel a little bit anxious, accompanied by a very hot feeling in my stomach-region.

 

I don't feel like i'm afraid of commitment or afraid of a future, I mean... at least, when I think about it, it isn't a scary thought to me. This realization really sucks.

[heaven66]

Heaven66 - I've had my heart broken, but that was years ago, could it still be brooding there?

 

If you ask me this is the problem...were you this way before you got your heart broken? It could be that you are afraid of another fall....you need to let go of that..not everyone is the same..If you don't start treating your new relationships individually you will never overcome this. Open your heart and mind and take a chance with this girl if you really like her....let the past only be there to help you and to let ou know that you learned from it not et stuck on it.....I hope you can overcome all this and good luck.

[MrGrinch]

Hey there anonymous... I agree with heaven. If you've had your heart broken very bad in the past it may be latently influencing your ability to emotionally connect with people on a longer-term basis. The best advice I could give you, if you agree that this may be at play, would be to seek out a psychiatrist who could greatly help you out with this. Good Luck!